Dear Hayley,
Today is your 22nd birthday. That just doesn't seem possible as I clearly remember our first night together with the rain on the hospital windows and the thunder, the sweet rare sound of thunder! And now you are this wonderful young woman just about ready to take on the future with the brightness of the lightening that long ago evening.
You are amazing. I know that every mom says that about every daughter, but you are truly amazing. Sure, you are cute and funny. You have a wonderful and beautiful smile (Smile Orthodontics says Happy Birthday). But that is not what makes you so special, it is your great big heart. I am amazed by the great efforts you take to make everyone feel special. Watching you work one afternoon was such a treat! Your care and attention to the bride-to-be was impressive. It is no wonder that people rave about you. Every bride must feel like a princess after an afternoon with you.
You are so funny. All of your life you have made me laugh. From your early days of make believe dressing up as Girl or Snow White or Witch (have a bite?) to your dress up days with Kat and Mary as Christmas elves, garage band or whatever else it was the three of you did, you made me laugh.
You are sweet. There is a no toothed can't hit the litter box weirdo that has a wonderful life because of you. You and Brett have given Small Cat a life that is warm and loving. There is a long line of furry friends that have benefited from your fleece blankets and movie marathons.
You are generous. Saved a sister's life and have already offered up a kidney or hunk of liver, if needed. But that is not where your generosity begins or ends. Your generous heart shines through all of the time.
You are all grown up with your own goals and plans but you will never stop being my girl, my Snow White, my witch. I am so proud. You will be wonderful!
I love you,
Mom
Friday, January 30, 2015
Sunday, January 18, 2015
war movies with my war veteran
"If you go to combat and you have people who love you at home, some version of this story is your story," Taya Kyle, widow of Chris Kyle, the subject of the much anticipated movie, American Sniper said in an interview regarding this movie.
We saw it yesterday, Danny and I. This is the first war movie that I have seen with Danny that does not take place prior to him enlisting. Meaning, I have watched "We Were Soldiers" and "Heartbreak Ridge" but did not see "Lone Survivor" or "Hurt Locker" with Danny. I was very hesitant to see "American Sniper" in the theater and with Danny. There are some things that I may just not want to know.
Danny was active duty and guard for sixteen years. In those sixteen years he saw combat twice, in 1990-91 with Desert Shield/Desert Storm and again in 2004 in Iraq. He has shared many of his experiences while in the desert, but I have always been sure that many experiences are told to me in a white washed sort of way. When Pillage gets together, I don't hear about missions, but instead am regaled with tales of TV stations gone bad, fantastic cave restaurant food and escapades of the men in the orange baseball caps on the balcony of Sadaam's palace. And that has always worked for me. Even ten years later, I am still unprepared to hear how close the mortar landed.
I am grateful to Taya Kyle for letting this story be told. It is a difficult place to be, a spouse frustrated and ready to be a regular family again. Even knowing what we 'signed up' for does not make us not want the usual, normal things. And when there are children, we struggle even more to keep things normal when we are not feeling normal at all. Personally, I am still processing the way I behaved while Danny was gone in 2004 and am still trying to let go of it.
The military and those associated with it have come along way in knowing that people need help sometimes to work through the shit and there is no shame in that. We laugh now about Danny changing lanes under the overpasses and not allowing any vehicle to get too close to us on 22nd Street and the movie shows that same reaction so very well. Danny was a horrible driver right after he came home. He swerved for every pothole and McDonalds bag in the road. And we thought we understood why, but we also thought he should be able to wrap his head around the fact that he was in West Des Moines. Watching a movie that shows some of what his experience may have been like makes me realize how idiotic I was thinking he should be able to just let that year go and get back to picking up kids from soccer practice and ordering pizza and being a regular dad driving a minivan down the road.
I am sure that many will come out of the theater with new feelings about the war in Iraq. I know that I still wonder about it, try to make sense of it. Having had the opportunity to talk to people that escaped the genocide in Northern Iraq gives me a very different perspective, I suppose. I don't know that I could love something, an idea, so much that I would give up a thousand days to fight for that. Lucky for me, there are plenty of people that do have that kind of heart and strength.
From Danny's point of view, a very well made movie that captured so much of what was real about Iraq. From my point of view, a very well made movie that captured so much of what was real about loving someone in Iraq.
We saw it yesterday, Danny and I. This is the first war movie that I have seen with Danny that does not take place prior to him enlisting. Meaning, I have watched "We Were Soldiers" and "Heartbreak Ridge" but did not see "Lone Survivor" or "Hurt Locker" with Danny. I was very hesitant to see "American Sniper" in the theater and with Danny. There are some things that I may just not want to know.
Danny was active duty and guard for sixteen years. In those sixteen years he saw combat twice, in 1990-91 with Desert Shield/Desert Storm and again in 2004 in Iraq. He has shared many of his experiences while in the desert, but I have always been sure that many experiences are told to me in a white washed sort of way. When Pillage gets together, I don't hear about missions, but instead am regaled with tales of TV stations gone bad, fantastic cave restaurant food and escapades of the men in the orange baseball caps on the balcony of Sadaam's palace. And that has always worked for me. Even ten years later, I am still unprepared to hear how close the mortar landed.
I am grateful to Taya Kyle for letting this story be told. It is a difficult place to be, a spouse frustrated and ready to be a regular family again. Even knowing what we 'signed up' for does not make us not want the usual, normal things. And when there are children, we struggle even more to keep things normal when we are not feeling normal at all. Personally, I am still processing the way I behaved while Danny was gone in 2004 and am still trying to let go of it.
The military and those associated with it have come along way in knowing that people need help sometimes to work through the shit and there is no shame in that. We laugh now about Danny changing lanes under the overpasses and not allowing any vehicle to get too close to us on 22nd Street and the movie shows that same reaction so very well. Danny was a horrible driver right after he came home. He swerved for every pothole and McDonalds bag in the road. And we thought we understood why, but we also thought he should be able to wrap his head around the fact that he was in West Des Moines. Watching a movie that shows some of what his experience may have been like makes me realize how idiotic I was thinking he should be able to just let that year go and get back to picking up kids from soccer practice and ordering pizza and being a regular dad driving a minivan down the road.
I am sure that many will come out of the theater with new feelings about the war in Iraq. I know that I still wonder about it, try to make sense of it. Having had the opportunity to talk to people that escaped the genocide in Northern Iraq gives me a very different perspective, I suppose. I don't know that I could love something, an idea, so much that I would give up a thousand days to fight for that. Lucky for me, there are plenty of people that do have that kind of heart and strength.
From Danny's point of view, a very well made movie that captured so much of what was real about Iraq. From my point of view, a very well made movie that captured so much of what was real about loving someone in Iraq.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Happy New Year...
I like to get caught up in the new beginnings business of new year, month, pay period. I make grand and sweeping plans to change for the better. Budgets and lifting schedules and book clubs are created and forgotten before the new has even dimmed it's glow. I'm lazy and comfortable in my easy life, I suppose. Or I take on too much too fast. Or I'm lazy and comfortable in my easy life.
2015 is no different. Or maybe it is. Maybe the idea that this is my forty fifth year has changed a little something in me. Maybe the idea that I don't want the second half of my life to be a physical or financial struggle has finally made me consider some things.
I lost seven pounds. Two to three of those have come back around these past two weeks, but I know how to get rid of them and love them more when they are gone. I have a normal budget that does not require hoops to be jumped through. I even got the first deposit into next year's Christmas fund! And I did all of that well before the ball dropped.
So what do I really resolve for 2015? Is it really to be rich and thin. Not really. Really? Truly? I resolved to just be happy. I resolve to figure out how to combat that dumb blackness that comes over me for no good reason. I resolve to figure out if it creeps in on the fog of monthly cycles or if it bursts through due to lack of chocolate. Is there a call for therapy and medicine or simply better eating and more exercising and gardening? I am betting on the latter. I am betting on doing what feels happy will keep me happy.
I think being happy will solve all my problems. If I simply follow what brings joy to me than it will be easy. And by happy, I don't mean stupidly giddy about the half full glass. I mean, well, I don't know exactly what I mean. Happy like when Harlow would find an enormous branch fallen from the tree and she would settle down and chew on it. Happy like when Hattie finds a yard full of leaves and she feels compelled to attack every one. Happy like when a kitty finds a sunspot and then another and another and then a heated blanket. I should know by now that my pets have all the answers.
So here is to 2015. I won't put too much pressure on it or me to make it the best year ever. I will make it happy. Everything else will fall into place if I just do that one simple thing.
Now off to the treadmill to walk and watch Parks and Rec. I do have other minor resolutions...
2015 is no different. Or maybe it is. Maybe the idea that this is my forty fifth year has changed a little something in me. Maybe the idea that I don't want the second half of my life to be a physical or financial struggle has finally made me consider some things.
I lost seven pounds. Two to three of those have come back around these past two weeks, but I know how to get rid of them and love them more when they are gone. I have a normal budget that does not require hoops to be jumped through. I even got the first deposit into next year's Christmas fund! And I did all of that well before the ball dropped.
So what do I really resolve for 2015? Is it really to be rich and thin. Not really. Really? Truly? I resolved to just be happy. I resolve to figure out how to combat that dumb blackness that comes over me for no good reason. I resolve to figure out if it creeps in on the fog of monthly cycles or if it bursts through due to lack of chocolate. Is there a call for therapy and medicine or simply better eating and more exercising and gardening? I am betting on the latter. I am betting on doing what feels happy will keep me happy.
I think being happy will solve all my problems. If I simply follow what brings joy to me than it will be easy. And by happy, I don't mean stupidly giddy about the half full glass. I mean, well, I don't know exactly what I mean. Happy like when Harlow would find an enormous branch fallen from the tree and she would settle down and chew on it. Happy like when Hattie finds a yard full of leaves and she feels compelled to attack every one. Happy like when a kitty finds a sunspot and then another and another and then a heated blanket. I should know by now that my pets have all the answers.
So here is to 2015. I won't put too much pressure on it or me to make it the best year ever. I will make it happy. Everything else will fall into place if I just do that one simple thing.
Now off to the treadmill to walk and watch Parks and Rec. I do have other minor resolutions...
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