Lent begins tomorrow. Ash Wednesday. Mass, some ashes, no meat. It is unfortunate that that is what I take away from this season most days. I forget that for 40 days I am to suffer just a bit of the suffering that Jesus endured. I am not any good at it. By day 2 (by 2 in the afternoon on Wednesday if we are going to be honest) I will have begun the bargaining process. I will negotiate the eating of this piece of chocolate for this decade of the rosary. I will already fail before the ashes are washed from my head. I am not very good at this Catholic business.
I know that a lot of people give up social media. I see the merit in that, especially if it is all consuming for you (as it appears to be for me) but I don't want to go 40 days without virtually seeing my friends and family that are far away. I could give up forty days of viewing dog videos and reading the angry sentiments of the right and left. I could go forty days without knowing what the Kardashians are doing or how marriage for all will ruin marriage for some.
I know many will forgo chocolate and soda. I will not be one of those many. Nor will I give up the swearing, sarcasm or snarkiness that I so love. Though I could definitely benefit from reducing the swearing, sarcasm and snarkiness that I am so loved for.
I have been told that one should not share what they are doing for lent. It should be between one and the Lord. That makes it easy for me to cheat or quit because who will hold me accountable. Oh, the Lord will, won't He?
Man, He has got to be sick and tired of me and my open ended promises, my shoulda, coulda, wouldas.
I am not shy about my journey to know God like I did for a brief moment in time. I am not ashamed of the meandering path that I am traveling to get back to Him. I am not proud of some of the names that I have called Him, or of some of the places I encouraged Him to go (is that even possible? Can God go to Hell?) I suppose He can, He is God after all.
So with much thought and prayer, I have decided that maybe I will give up being so combative with God. Maybe I will be more open to what people are saying about their own faith journey and accept that I will not make sense of the answers that I get. Maybe I will stop arguing about all the BS I find in the bible and know that like the dictionary, I won't need every word that is in the book, good or otherwise. Maybe I will give up shallow breathing and just inhale all the good that faith can bring me.
Giving up chocolate or facebook or even swearing will not make me better. Giving up has been the source of many of my problems as I gave up on God. Can I, for forty days, be a better friend? Can I listen instead of just talk? Can I learn to says thanks instead of bargaining? Can I, for forty days, give up my human expectations and just have a little more faith. Can I take out the prayer book of my mother's and see that it was faith that wore the paper soft? Can I just find that place in my heart that holds how I felt the day my mom died. The day that joy overcame me with such force that I could not control my tears. When faith told me that she had gone home and there was not a shred of doubt (and still I do not doubt that my mom went home that day to be with the Lord, though I don't know if the same will be for me) that she had. Or the day when Ashlyn told me that Jesus does not want us to worry and my worry was lifted.
Jesus spent his forty days working it all out. He was talking with his dad, and trying to make sense of what was to happen to him. He suffered. He struggled. He had a lot of human emotions while out in the desert. He had to deal with the devil and, I am sure, sand storms and big bugs and chapped lips. Yet he stuck it out. Maybe its time for me to stick it out as well and stop my self imposed suffering and find my way back.
