Lilac Season

 If you're from Iowa, then you know that lilac season is fleeting.  The sweet little lilac bubs start appearing early May, right around prom and the air is delightfully filled with the most lovely of scents and then it's gone.  Truly, just like that.  And we are left with an array of other blooms and scents and yet, we are still trying to capture that lilac moment.  We open candle jars and inhale deeply, only to replace the lid and say, no, that's not quite right.  And we browse the soap and lotion makers at the farmer's markets, hoping.  And all the while, we know that the lilac season can never be quite captured again.

Much like the little people dancing on my deck this gorgeous Monday morning.  We have a record playing, and there is a parade of toy dinosaurs watching the performance and we are excited for the day to get warmer so we can play in the sprinkler and this is another lilac season.

The oldest grand will be starting preschool in the fall.  She is ready to bloom and blossom.  She will grow and be beautiful and enrich the world, but I know that our lilac season will be over.  The sweet scent of her sweaty little noggin after naps, the sticky cheeks after a mickey waffle breakfast, the deep squats in the middle of a stroll to study the path of an ant.  These moments, these lilacs are fading.  

And we have been so lucky to have this extended season.  We have spent three to four days a week with these blooms since nearly the beginning.  We are just down the road, not across the state, or country, or ocean.  We have been able to enjoy every aspect of this season and we will continue to be present for each season that comes.  But I know these days are something extra special and I am really trying to soak up this summer, these magnificent moments which right now include eating blue suckers and while watching a big ant traverse the sticks on the deck while listening to Disney music while the dinosaurs keep watch.  

  

 

Kind of Like Writing

 I have not written in years.  Years of missed opportunities to capture how I was feeling about a particular event or about nothing in particular.  My days had gotten busier, for sure.  No longer working a common job, I now work with the delights of my life, my grands.  Oh, and trying to weave another rug in every free moment I get.  But there's a yard I want to tend, photos I want to organize, a recipe to try, a room to paint.  And the therapy I want to explore and the degree I want to pursue.  Did I mention there was also a body that I want to keep healthy and a relationship that I do not want to take for granted.  

I keep telling myself that I just need to get my time organized and the more I say that, the worse my organization gets.  I create these elaborate ideas of how to fill my day and crawl into bed feeling that nothing was accomplished.  I know that I am not alone in this.  I know that my expectations are unreasonable and also, are dumb.  

My wants are getting simpler.  I want to crawl into bed each night full of gratitude, knowing that I did the best I could do that day.  I don't want to spend any of my days regretting what was.  Because spending that time on regret keeps me from being in this moment which will lead to more regret!  Holy shit!!! That's a breakthrough!   

This blog is a diary of sorts, an easier method to read about what I was feeling on a particular event or about nothing in particular, just wanting to hear the clicks of the keys.  It may become a place for my grands to come to know me better if I don't stay around for a long time.  It's also a place for me to see how my thoughts have changed, how I may have grown and changed.  

I noticed that I had several blogs that I never published.  They were full of thoughts I couldn't or wouldn't finish.  I deleted those and I delete the expectations in my mind that are keeping me from doing what I enjoy doing when I am not doing what I need to be doing.  

So anyway, the purpose of today's blog post is simple, I'm doing just fine and I am right where I am supposed to be, unpainted walls and all.  

I hope you are happy with where you are and that you know that you are where you ought to be in this moment and You get to chose where you take your heart next!