My Mom's Gift

Tomorrow marks the sixth anniversary of my mom's death.  She comes into my mind frequently in my day.  She is always in my heart. 
I have written about my mom before, and I will write about her again as I grow as a woman, a mom and as a woman of faith.  In fact, as I grow as a woman of faith, my relationship with my mom strengthens.  I am sorry that I was unable to share with her, her faith.  I am sorry that when she was healthy and able to share, I was too combative or too distant to share. 
In 1986, my parents took a six week trip to Hawaii, New Zealand and Fiji.  When they came home we had a little party for them.  I found myself leaving the party to go to the privacy of my room.  I cried uncontrollably.  I never understood why I was so overwhelmed with emotion.
Until she died.  Then it all came together.  That night in 1986 when my mom came home overwhelmed me with joy and relief.  The morning in 2006 when my mom went home for good, I was again overwhelmed with joy, and relief.  I cannot really describe what it was like when I knew that she had gone home.  But there was no doubt, no doubt in my heart at all, that my mom had gone home to be with her parents, and her Lord. 
My faith shifted that morning.  There was no lightening bolt from above, but rather a gentle nudge.  A mother's hand upon my shoulder guiding me through the days that followed.  I came to understand what it was that my mom desired above all else.  I came to understand what it was to have a faith that was unwavering. 
My mom had given me so many gifts that I continue to cherish today, but none, not even my Fisher Price Castle can compare with the gift of faith that my mom gave me on the day she went home. 

Happy Birthday Ashlyn

Twenty one.  I am going to say that again, twenty one.   That is how old my baby girl is today.  The same age I was when I had her.  WOW!  Half of my life has been spent as Ashlyn’s mom. 

Everyone seems to know Ashlyn’s amazing journey.  From a blessed surprise to a little Miss Bossy Pants to incredible fighter to this that we have now.  A beautiful, bright young woman ready to take the world by the hand and enjoy.  Being this girl’s mom is an unending gift.

Ashlyn was conceived on the one day that Danny was home between a training mission in Panama and a seven month deployment in Saudi Arabia and Kuwait.  I was a size 2 when Danny left and seven months pregnant when he came home.  A week before Ashlyn was born; I was at a regular doctor’s appointment.  For seven months, I was weighed on the scale in the left hall, on this day; I was weighed on the scale in the right hall.  It showed that I had lost weight.  A flurry of activity had me in an examine room with a doctor that I had never seen before telling me and Danny that I was starving my baby.  I was put on bed rest and was instructed to eat high fat for a week.  Danny was instructed to take me to dinner and then take me home.

Oh, that dinner was in the top ten of suckiest dinners.  Have you ever been nine months pregnant?  Than you will know what I am talking about here when I tell you that I could not eat all of my delicious Alli’s meal.  And Danny, bless his heart, had no idea what it was like to have an Ashlyn scrunching everything up inside of me; he just knew that I hadn’t eaten all of my meal.  He just knew that a Dr. Major had said that I was starving my baby.  And there in Alli’s, he made me cry.  I knew I had been eating.  I knew that I had good weight gain for nine months.  I knew that I was always weighed on the other scale. 

Fast forward one week and several Dairy Queen treats later.  We were watching Rosanne.  I peed my pants.  Well, my water broke, but I thought I had peed.  It was 9:15pm and we were both pretty freaked out.  I did not go to prebirthing classes.  I did not want to go alone.  Right or wrong, I felt like going without Danny wasn’t ok.  So we really weren’t sure what to do next.  There were no contractions but because my water broke, it was off to the hospital. 

Ashlyn was in no hurry and the labor had to be moved along.  Danny was sleepy and would nod off while I needed him to help me breathe.  It is funny that I have been able to breathe all by myself for twenty one years, but that night, I couldn’t remember to “who” after three “hees”!  We eventually figured it out and with the help of the nurses, found a rhythm and managed to successfully have a baby.

Ashlyn Elizabeth White.  The first new born I ever held.  And they let me take her home.  We got Wendy’s on the way home from the hospital.  I remember sitting in our little one bedroom apartment with my single with cheese, ketchup only meal, Danny beside me on the couch and a little peanut of a girl in the car seat next to me.  I had no clue as to what I was supposed to do next.  But that is the great thing about mom hood, you just know.

Though we never found out, we both knew that we were having a girl.  Danny had dreamt of a little tow head named Ashley.  I, having been a lifelong viewer of Gone With the Wind, felt that Ashley was a boy’s name, and not a very manly boy at that.  So that began the search for a name similar.  Hence Ashlyn, it means of the Ash tree.  Elizabeth, Ashlyn’s middle name is my middle name and her grandmother’s confirmation name and her great grandmother’s middle name. 

So, twenty one years old, today.  I am really at a loss of words to describe this young woman. 

Ashlyn is remarkable.  Truly.  She is brave and sure.  She is faithful and strong.  She is beautiful and proud.  She is smart and silly.  Being her mom has been one of the greatest honors of my life. 

Happy Birthday Ashlyn!!!

When mom and dad went to England

I should write an adventure tale about Hayley and Jacob's ten days while we were away.  It sounds, from the bits I am being told, like it was pretty exciting.  We had limited texting capabilities and just about no access to the internet so we could not keep up with a day by day, play by play.  We do know that there was a terrible storm at least one night but they weathered it ok.  Elliott, Hayley's car, lost a side mirror to a tree branch.  But with a little olive green duct tape, he's as good as new. 
Hayley and Jacob also seemed to have run out of dinner ideas pretty fast.  I think that is a comment on the fact that we are creatures of habit in the kitchen.   Pasta, Mexican, maidrites.  Repeat.  There were a couple of Pizza Hut boxes in the trash bin so I know they did venture out of our kitchen.
The big event was when Hayley may or may not have passed out at work and took an ambulance ride to the hospital.  This is not the first time she has had some fainting type issues and considering we were gone and she could not reach any other grown up, she opted for the ambulance ride to the hospital.  She got an IV and they took some blood and pee, but there was no real answer to what is going on.  Details are still fuzzy on this next part, but Jacob did not have his house key.  The spare, hidden outside, had been stolen by the giant spider that lives near the hiding place.  So Jacob had to break in.  He managed it nicely, but had he not, there would have been a second ride in an ambulance. 
Harlow was a naughty girl.  She pooped in the hall the day we left.  I think the sentence She pooped in the hall is funny to say.  She also broke out of the gate several times.  Sometimes Harlow just likes to wear naughty pants, this may have been one of those times.
On top of all that adventure, my dad went to the hospital with shortness of breath and ended up have some minor surgery.  We knew about the shortness of breath part because we were able to get that text before we left the states, but the rest was unknown to me.  Dad didn't want us to even know so our trip wasn't ruined with worry for him.  I appreciate that because knowing a little but not being able to keep up with the news would have been very frustrating. 
We also had a robin build a nice three egg nest on the speaker on the deck.  I hate to kick her out now that she has babies brewing.  I will let Danny be the heavy on that one.
So there are no trips on the horizon which is a great relief to Hayley.  Apparently looking after Jacob is a lot of work.  I know, I have been doing it for over 16 years, hence the trip! 

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Seven or eight hours in the air.  I am not a fan of flying.  Well, it is the crashing that I am not a fan of.  But, I get on a plane every other year or so because I am a fan of traveling.  I am a fan of going places and doing things.
The first time I flew was in 1987.  I didn't half ass it either, I got on a plane in Chicago and flew to Frankfurt!  That was one of those planes that had the spiral staircase in it.  All I really remember from that flight was the attendant that had the thick German accent and blue eyeshadow and the baby sitting in front of me that dripped formula on my carry on bag.
After I was married, I flew to and from California a couple of times.  Danny would meet me in San Diego and we would spend the weekend together.  I think those flights were a couple of hundred dollars, fly in on Thursday and usually out on Sunday.  The next time I flew it was the opposite route as my parents brought me home from Cali to Cedar Rapids for my twenty first birthday while Danny was in Saudi. 
I remember when we used to pick Bobby up at the Cedar Rapids Airport.  It was still called that back then.  It was the old terminal and we could watch Bobby walk down the stairs of the plane, across the tarmac and into the terminal.  There was also the giant globe there.  I was too short to really ever see it, but it was cool non the less!
My big trip, my really big trip, came in October of 1994.  I was again flying to Frankfurt.  This time I would go from Cedar Rapids to St. Louis to Frankfurt.  I would also be doing it with Ashlyn and Hayley in tow.  Talk about adventure!  I remember hanging our at Mom and Dad's house all that day.  Then, Crissy, Sheila, Isaac, Dad and Mom all drove out to the airport to say good bye.  Mom got to come up the escalator with me to the gate.  She carried Hayley.  She and Hayley were good pals.  That was one tough moment.  There I was with two little girls, two car seats, three back packs, a double stroller and no idea where I was going in St. Louis's airport or what waited for me once I got in the air. 
Life had been pretty easy in Cedar Rapids.  There was always someone to watch the girls, someone to hang out with, someone to watch soaps with.  But Danny wasn't there and it wasn't the life that we wanted.  We wanted the military, the adventure, the foreign countries.  So there we went.
Lucky for me, Ashlyn and Hayley were well suited for this life and did just fine on the plane.  Danny was there in Frankfurt waiting for us and we all went to our new little home.  The girls and I (and Jacob) would not fly again for four years and four days.  That trip was made easier by the fact that everyone was older and there were now two grown ups to handle three kids!
The big flight for me and the kids was to Sydney.  I think we were in the air for seventeen hours.  The seating wasn't great because we were split up, but the plane was nice.  We all had little television monitors in the backs of the seats.  There were movies and television shows to watch.  There was a channel that showed the flight path and times.  It was pretty amazing to look on the screen and see that we were over a batch of islands and then be able to see those islands from the plane.  Tufts of green and brown in the vast blue.
Danny is the distance winner.  He has racked up some serious miles in his years.  Just the big trips took him to Hawaii, Saudi, Germany, Iraq, Australia and now Great Britain.  I think Ashlyn might be in second place, as she has flown to Europe four times.  Hayley and I were tied with two trips to Europe, but I will now pass her.  Then there is Jacob.  He has only flown from Germany.  But they also have flights to Nevada as well.
Flying is such an amazing way to travel.  I cannot even figure out how to do a backflip let alone understand the science behind flight.  And I don't think I want to know.  I just want to believe that the pilot is wide awake, the gas tank is full, the bathroom line is short and I will sleep for most of the trip.

The Will

Before we leave on this trip, we need to update the will.  I must admit that our current will is terribly outdated and if it went into effect, the kids would be pissed!
The last will was written when all the kids were under 18.  Now we only have Jacob under 18 and that will change next summer.  The old will had the house being sold and the kids moving back to Cedar Rapids to live with Aunt Crissy.  Now Hayley and Ashlyn become Jacob's guardians and they stay in the house.  Our life insurance has quadrupled, but our debt has gone down.  The kids would be in a good financial place and wouldn't have to worry about much in that area. 
It is a strange thing, will writing.  Obviously, picking the persons that will raise your children is a struggle.  There are not a lot of people that fit all the criteria.  Danny and I struggled frequently with that one.  When the kids were little, it was easier but as they grew and established a life in West Des Moines, it became harder to imagine them being uprooted and moving back to Cedar Rapids.  And taking the kids also meant taking the animals.  No easy favor to ask of anyone.  Luckily, no one had to!
Now that the kids are all almost adults, the will becomes much easier.  Three way split.  But it is weird to imagine what would become of all our stuff.  Would they just keep it all as it is and keep living like we always had?  Or would there be a massive garage sale?  Would they stay in the house until Jacob graduated?  And what of the kitties and Harlow? 
I am not at all concerned that Danny and I will not safely return from this trip or any of the many others that we will take.  I am not fretting over who will get my china or my jewelry or my little yellow car.  But I am also thinking of trying to make things as easy for the kids as possible. 
I have a folder with all the info inside.  There is the will.  All the life insurance policies.  A list of who gets paid off before the kids start spending their inheritance on fancy cars and tennis lessons.  There is a list of phone numbers of people that will be there for them. 
The military always kept us up to date on our will.  It was just part of the plan.  After those years, it was very easy to just live day to day and not think about the inevitable.  We think the inevitable is fifty years away.  But it is better to be safe then have everything tied up in courts and leave the kids with nothing but headaches.  So check this off the pre-vacation list!  Now back to packing.

When I Grow Up

It finally occurred to me, what I want to be when I grow up.  Unfortunately, I have no training for this job.  I have no financial backing for this job.  I have little hope of ever landing this job.
Unless.
Unless I come into a large sum of money.  Then my dream job becomes a reality.  First things first, the two week notice.  After that, a vacation, pay off some college tuition loans, bye an Irish Wolfhound and Great Dane (since this is a pipe dream, I am going all out!).  Then on to the dream job.
First I'd buy a little plot of land out west.  And by west I mean West Des Moines.  I would like to be near St. Francis Church.  I'd hire an architect with great vision and have him build me a little store that resembles something out of Italy.  Then I'd fill my little store with all kinds of Catholic things. 
I would have silly hours, like before and after Mass.   I would have all those saint medallions that I so love.  I would have books on Pope JP2 because he is my favorite.  I would have CDs of Gregorian Chants (mainly because that music freaks Danny out).  I would spend my work days helping people find the perfect First Communion gift, or flip through the vast collection of Saints books I will have amassed or just chatting with the customers that stopped in to tell me about their day. 
Eventually, I would plan trips to The Holy Land,  The Vatican, Lourdes.  I would traipse about all the holy places where Mary appeared.   There would be theme trips and it would be me and a bunch of old people that wanted to see the holy sites before they died.  After trips, I would go to church meetings and show them the slides! 
I wouldn't make much money.  I wouldn't need to, remember as I am now independently wealthy.  I would not be open on really nice days or really yucky days.  I would probably have a dog in the store that laid behind the counter and thumped his tail every time the door chime jingled.  I would have a little screened in area so I could be outside when I was actually working.  There would also be a little snack section so I would never be without sweet tea and malt balls!
I realize that most Catholic book stores are now online.  People don't shop there much except for First Communion.  Most people are not interested in the saints, their stories, their little oval medals that hang from my bracelet.  I think the beauty of this dream job is that it would connect me to people interested in the same things.  It would bring much joy back into my workday.  That is a dream in its self.  And I would have a dog there, maybe two!  I am really not counting on this to happen, but The Lord does work in mysterious ways.

The Jets

Our house is in the flight path.  F-16s.  I can hear them long before I can see them.  My heart races, pride swells.  Memories come flooding back.  I will mourn the silence.
I don't remember jets flying over when I was growing up.  I feel like we would have all raced outside to see them if they had.  I feel like I would have remembered that sound.
I dont' even remember the first time I heard jets.  The first memory I have of military aircraft in association with my life was the night Danny left for Saudi Arabia.  He was actually going to 29 Palms, but the end goal was Saudi Arabia.  That night it was helicopters.  I hope that I never forget the sound and the feel of the thuwmp thuwmp thuwmp.  I associate that sound with growing up.  Prior to that night, Danny and I were still playing grown up games.  But that night, the shit just got real. 
I remember jets in Germany.  I don't think they were our jets.  They would come in low and rattle the windows.  The dog would bark, the kids would rush to try and see them.  It was always that challenge to know where to look based on where the sound came from. 
When we moved to our house in West Des Moines, I quickly figured out that there was going to be a lot of plane traffic overhead.  The UPS and FedEx planes come in just to the east of our house.  In the summer, they block the sun for just a moment.  I don't really notice the commercial flights that come over, they aren't usually directly overhead.  But the jets, they come in right over the house, two by two.  It is like a military Noah's Ark.  I have gotten pretty good at knowing where to look and can usually spot them before they have completely gone over the house. 
When Danny came home from Iraq, the jets escorted their plane.   I remember being out at the airport and getting handed a pair of earplugs.   We didn't know that the jets were coming in with their plane.  I can tell you that it was quite amazing. 
I know that the jets are going away.  I will miss them in so many ways.  I will miss the rumble of my windows.  I will miss the way they block the sun for just a moment.  I will miss the way that Harlow looks up but never times it right. 
I understand budget cuts.  But it doesn't make it any better.  And I know that a lot of people will be glad to see them go because they live near the airport and blah, blah, blah.  I won't be glad.  The jets make my pride swell.  They keep me in touch with the military life that I loved so much.  They remind me of those out there that are keeping watch.