Back to Mass

What?  Another blog about my quest for religion/faith/spiritual guidance.  It seems to me that I should be past this, but I am still wandering around, kind of like Jack Skellington during Jack's Lament.  There doesn't seem to be a clearing in the woods with holiday doors.  I cannot open them with an inquisitive "What's This"?  I have to figure this out on my own/with the help of others/divine intervention.
I went back to mass today.  I went for two reasons. 
1.  I had asked my church friends to pray for someone very dear to me and if they are willing to do that for me, than I need to do it as well.  I know that I can (and am) praying without going to mass, but if  I am asking my church community to do it then I should be part of that community as well. 
2.  I am still looking for the place for me. 
I went to mass early to quiet my mind.  It didn't work.  I can't calm my mind.  The conversation I have with God is silly.  I tell Him things he obviously already knows.  What's worse is that I sometimes thing I am telling Him what He wants to hear. 
I had hoped during mass that I would have that a-ha moment.  Or that I would get the shivers.  Or I would feel the presence of God like Judah Ben-Hur did.  But, it be honest, there was nothing monumental happening.  And then it occurred to me that maybe that's how it needs to be for me.  Maybe, just maybe, God is tired of laying it out for me and it is now up to me to find what it is I am looking for. 
It will be 45 years next Sunday that I have been Catholic and though I don't know if that is where I belong, I do know that I am not brave enough to look elsewhere.  I have come to accept that I am never going to be the Catholic or Christian that I ought to be.  I will not agree with all the teachings of the one or the other.  I will continue to be judgemental and mean and selfish.  I will continue to support the right to choose abortion and euthanasia.  I will continue to believe in gay marriage (which is just marriage).  I will continue to feel strongly that much of the bible is a fable written to teach lessons.  I will deny that the God of love that I have known all my life was once a jealous, vengeful God that promoted the annihilation of entire kingdoms, men, women, children and horses. 
I may wander forever looking for my answers and that seems pretty pathetic. I am sure that God is rolling his eyes, yet once again.  This has to be old. 
But, I have forty five more years to get this faith thing right.  I have forty five more years of trying to be kind and generous.  I have forty five more years of building a relationship with my church community.