So the other day on our way to the tax man, my husband of twenty fives years asks a very innocent question. "Would you be totally against painting the house green?" I sat in the passenger's seat of our big new truck and felt my blood boil. How dare he? The audacity!
"YES! I would be totally against painting the house green!" I screamed inside my head.
Danny's reasoning was that the brown of the gutters could look better against green than blue. Green would certainly look sharp against the reds in the brick. I counter countered with the blue looks much better against the grey of the deck and that when all the green that grows starts to pop up, the blue may not bother him so much.
But honestly, none of this is about the color of the house, it is about not wanting one more thing to change in the whirlwind of change that is taking place in my life. None of the change is bad really. It is just a lot in a short amount of time and I am obviously not dealing with it if I am freaking out about painting a house.
The last of my big dogs died nine months ago and I still mourn her. I will mourn her forever as I do Barron. There is no replacing them because we aren't in the big dog business anymore. We have Hattie. She is little and adorable and completely different. Hattie's personality is huge and make no mistake, I absolutely love her. 200 pounds to eight pounds is still quite a change. I will continue to adapt throughout the spring and summer. Harlow was a different kind of presence in the yard. I don't know how Hattie will be. I imagine she will be everywhere, sniffing everything. I imagine she will spring in to say HI! and then sprint to the far corners to explore, eat leaves and find bunnies. Harlow was done with all that most days. The energy will be so different. Different.
Ashlyn is moving to Portland, Oregon. I knew it. I knew that she would go for a very long time. But I got so used to having her around that I am not quite sure how I will fill my time. Hayley is moving to Omaha. I didn't know it and was expecting her to move home, at least for a little while. So not only do I have to get used to not having Ashlyn here, I have to get used to not getting to have Hayley here. Don't get me wrong. I am glad. I am glad that Ashlyn is moving to Portland and that Hayley is moving to Omaha. It is right and it is where they are both supposed to be going. One does not get excepted to law school or get the great job if it wasn't the plan, but it doesn't mean that it is easy for the mom.
Jacob is moving home this summer and I hope that he indulges me on occasion and hangs out with me. I know that he is getting his own life going and all that, but... He promised to paint the garage this summer, blue.
And then there is work. I have no idea what is happening there. No one really does but the guys from Great Britain that were bought out by us with stock. So they own us now and they are bringing in new ideas and that means change.
Change that I have to roll with because we have a new truck payment that is slightly larger than the Fiesta payment and I can't change jobs.
I think my little brain just didn't know how to process any more change and it manifested itself in a completely irrational response to a pretty innocent question. God bless Danny White for just taking my long drawn out response with a sense of humor as I can't promise how quickly I will adapt to all these changes. Oh, and did I mention I have glasses now? So I am adapting to them as well. And there is the thyroid medication that we may tweak a bit to see if that doesn't improve my skin and sleep and energy which will all help me better handle questions about house colors and what's for dinners and what ever else life my throw at me.
In all that transpired in these past few weeks, I know that what concerned me the most was not the truck payment or house color or even where my daughters will live, but what I dreamt. I dreamt that I was cutting again, on the bottoms of my feet so that Danny wouldn't know. Is that how I want to respond to the stresses that I am experiencing (WTF none of this seems like it should be stressful)? Am I still carrying around the cutting bullshit deep in my soul? More than anything, I would like to know why cutting has reappeared in my life.
Danny came home for lunch today and he listened, again, while I recited all my hopes and fears. He is so patient with me. I told him about the last conversation I had had with my doctor and that she brought up anti depressants. I don't want them, am not interested in them, won't take them because for as low as my lows rarely feel, my highs are so fantastic that I would never want to diminish that feeling. I don't want to take the edge off of anything because that was what cutting was. I just want to be whatever it is I am going to be in that moment and know that change will come, it is inevitable. But also know that in the changes I will still have constants of a man that loves me, a dog that is excited to see me and kinder, that no matter where they are, are still my kinder.
I know that cutting is not in my future. And I know that neither of us really want to paint the house and we probably can't afford to hire it done so for the time being, the house is blue!
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