Well, #METOO and I am gutted.
Sometime in the past five years I became friends with a customer that comes in once or twice a week. An older man who dresses in layers because he walks a couple of miles to work. Usually, not clean shaven. Always carrying a well worn lunch box. The first time I saw him I also saw another employee give him the most disapproving look so I did the opposite I went out of my way, literally, down a different aisle to cut him off so I could say good morning and offer a smile. Thanks to my mothers' orthodontic insistence, I have a very nice smile and he complimented me on it. That started a conversation about my reluctance and my mother's knowledge that a nice smile is important.
Fast forward the next few years and he would enquire about my family and I would enquire about his job. I kept him updated on when I would be out of the store so he wouldn't needlessly stop in (he rarely bought anything, just stopping in for a visit). I'd give him a hug, make sure he'd be warm enough on the below zero days and would have him top off his water bottle on the summer days. I knew that he lived in a home with other men. He talked about sitting on the stoop with them. He was always so friendly and I genuinely thought he enjoyed this friendship. I know that I looked forward to seeing him and worried when I didn't.
I would give him a hug and never thought anything of it. I appreciated this friendship, and thought he did as well.
The last time I gave him a hug, he decided to take it further and grabbed my ass.
And what did I do?
Absolutely nothing but end the hug. I was flabbergasted. I didn't immediately process it. I really wanted to deny it, to think it was something else, but no. I know my ass, I know when it's been grabbed. It was a blatant disregard to me, the human that made human contact. A giant fuck you to the friendship that was cultivated. I cared about him. Worried about him. Wondered about him. And now I am mad and more so, sad. I am left with the incredibly uncomfortable option to confront him, avoid him or ignore what happened.
I am left feeling like I shouldn't hurt his feelings. Which is ridiculous, fuck his feelings. Fuck that he has made me second guess what he did and has made me second guess being kind. Kind which is completely different from being nice and cordial. And I was not dressed provocatively in my khaki pants and blue polo. I was not talking suggestively when I told him how much my dog loves playing fetch, that we spoil her. I was not leading him on when I told him how beautiful my daughter's wedding was and that my husband looked dashing in his bow tie. I was not trying to get something from him with my friendship, I was not pressing my boobs against him. There was no sexual innuendo when I enquired about his health, his warmth, his well being.
Shame on him and every other man that makes a woman feel guilty for what they have done, for the line they have crossed. They should be ashamed and embarrassed and they should be the ones initiating the difficult conversation about where hands are to be and how a proper hug is given.
And I admit, I hoped that with me three week absence from work, be would think I'd quit and I could avoid the entire situation. But I owe it to every other woman that had had these feelings, has been in these and far worse situations to speak up and out.
In no way am I comparing this to the greater instances of harassment and abuse that runs rampant in the world. I have realized though, that the emotions come from the same place of hurt, denial and shame. It makes the responses that others have had more understandable and I hope, me more empathetic.
I told my manager what had happened and that I intended to confront him in the most polite way possible since I was at work. My manager really didn't have a response, and that's okay as it didn't involve work or him, and I just wanted to give him a heads up. My first day back to work, he came in and I headed to the stockroom, a failure . A day or two later, my manager told me that he was in the store, but that I should just stay in the office. He knew how upset I was and i think, afraid of a scene. I went out on the sales floor and still, couldn't confront him. Only said that I had been on vacation and that I had a terrible cold. I was pissed at myself for not being brave enough or sure enough to speak up.
He came in again today, found me in the back of the store. And I told him. I told him that I was not comfortable with the way he touched me the last time we hugged and that I would not hug him again. I said that it was very upsetting and very uncomfortable. I told him that I was still very angry and hurt. He said he was sorry. I am grateful that he didn't try to excuse it or deny it. I am glad it is over. And I am so sad that I lost this friend.
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