A week ago yesterday, while doing my evening reflection, I had an epiphany. I needed to run. It was so clear in my mind. It was also 12:30 am and I had no proper footwear, it would have been irresponsible to run then, so fast forward to Sunday. Danny took me to the good shoe store, the one that watches you walk and actually finds the right shoes for a first time runner. Monday morning post FXB, I ran. And it's ugly. Most of the time it is this slow scuffle of feet barely leaving the pavement, or worse, a hunched over nearly defeated girl digging in for that next spurt and then the music changes and I am upright, chest out, fingers spread and I know I am placing each foot, each solution in front of the other with grace and purpose.
I am not running from anything anymore.
I am running toward something.
Piece of mind, peace of mind. Exercise may help ward off dementia. Exercise does help ward off all the bullshit in life.
I think the catalyst to this need to run came from an audio book I am listening to with my sister Dene' and friends. May Cause Miracles by Gabrielle Bernstein. It is not an earth shattering idea, it is mostly about forgiving myself, loving myself and finding that forgiveness and love in the world. It is nothing that I didn't already know, I had just decided for too long to ignore the issues in my heart and mind. When Dene' sent the Facebook invitation, I lept for it. I needed it, I need it. And I am already finding miracles. My God, I am running. There is a miracle.
And this invitation came just as I was researching therapists. I appeared to be stuck in a stage of grief or something that I couldn't get past. I was looking for sneaky ways to self harm to avoid situations. I'm going to stop there for a moment. I was so emotionally worked up about a social situation that I was actively trying to hurt myself badly enough to not have to go. That, my friends, is a shit place to be. I have worked very hard to get out of the self harm space. Somewhere in me, I was willing to go back to that place. Obviously, I needed help. I was super sensitive to the invitations that were not extended or the choice of words on facebook. I will tell you, for as much as I love Facebook, it is the fucking devil when one is feeling insecure. Anyway, with any trip to the therapist comes a copay and I decided, nope, I am not giving up any more of myself to this problem so I downloaded the Audible app, bought a little journal and started to find the answers in me.
The night of the epiphany I was heartbroken, again (Jesus Anne, get over it) and in the sobs, I saw it. I saw me, stride after stride, fixing my heart and getting killer legs while at it. I reached out to my friend, Juli, who is an avid runner. She frequently posts about the joy and release she finds in runs. She is currently training for the Chicago Marathon. She is an incredible friend. She is super bad ass. I would read her posts with a desire to experience that feeling but someone in my head would say, remember, you can't run. Because of what I am learning through May Cause Miracles, I know there is no one else in my head but me. I have gratefully shown the door to all the other naysayers that resided there. The voices from my youth, my young adulthood and even my middle adulthood, those voices that said I can't. The only voice that is left is the one that had listened to the others. And I am helping that Anne pack up and leave.
I can run. I am perfectly capable of it. I will work on my endurance and I will be able to keep a steady stride for an entire mile. I will add onto that mile as time goes on, I don't have an end goal of time or mileage, I don't know my destination, I don't think that is the important part right now, it's that I am running. Outside of my comfort zone but nearly as far out today as I was on Monday. I am running toward a better me. An Anne that sees the miracles. An Anne that faced a fear and aced that fear.
I wrap up this week with five days at Farrells and six days running. Miracle.
I have slept soundly six nights in a row. No despairing dreams. Miracle.
I have not self harmed in more years than I can remember even though the desire is frequently present. Miracle.
I am running. Miracle.
And in case you were wondering, there is a Broadway show based on life of Donna Summer. The music has begun to show up on my Pandora Showtunes Radio station. I have always loved "MacArthur Park" but was only familiar with Richard Harris's version. I did not know there was a disco version. There is. I was completely out of steam. It started to play and it starts out slow. Who did leave the cake out in the rain? I've always wondered that, and I can appreciate the time to it takes to make it, it does take time to bake it. And without the internet, they very well may never have that recipe again. And then the music changes and there is no denying the beat. I had my best run to that song. I think a disco station is what I need to maximize my run.
Saturday, August 11, 2018
Monday, August 6, 2018
It's inevitable, Change
I'm 48, nearly 49, obviously I have changed. Everything about me from the number on my scale to even the height mark on the door has changed. Inside, outside, upside and downside, people change. Otherwise there would be a whole lot of newborns laying around without fire or the wheel etc and, well, it seems like evolution and all that requires change. So there you go.
Think of your own life, your own journey. What has changed you most? And what have been the good and bad changes that you have made? Would you trade out the bad or did they lead to better? Or did they lead to worse? At some point in life, we have to own the changes we have made or the change we have become and know that that is who we are and move on from that. I think that is finally where I am.
I am different than I was, obviously. But when was 'was'? Did I change when I moved to each new city? Yes, because each new city brought new challenges for me that I had to adapt to. Those new challenges were sometimes similar, new city, more children, Danny away with deployments and training. And then there were the changes of being in a different country, or learning how to balance my own work with deployments and growing children and having a home I was responsible for, not a lease. And in all of that, is adapting to the changes that are happening in the lives of the people around me as well. I have never been successful at that. Own it, and move forward.
I can't and won't look back anymore on the should haves and could haves of my past. I accept that each decision I made, right or wrong, is mine. I can't undo a decision, but if it were the wrong one, I can take steps to rectify it. Like the hallway paint color, horrible choice, I can paint over. Like my anger toward someone that was very close to me, nothing I can do to paint over that, I have learned to live with it and forgive myself for the grudge that I held.
Here's the other thing, we don't know what causes a person to change. We don't know what is happening in a life that makes someone become angry all the time, or unhealthy or despondent. I also know that I generally didn't ask, just made assumptions, but I am changing that behavior.
And where is all this discussion of change coming from, you may ask, well, several months ago, I got told that I had changed (and not for the better I might add!) when I moved to Des Moines. And that is fair. I have definitely changed in the past nearly 18 years. In this time, I have experienced some situations that I never dreamt I would, and for as much as the day to day of living can change a person, add in illness and death and at times, a very different and dark day to day, you bet your ass I have changed. I don't apologize for who I have become and I don't think I need to. I also don't think I need to spend any more time on justifying who I have become. As Goethe so eloquently said "If God wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise." Meaning, I am here as God's creation, not someone else's idea of what I should be. That being said, God did create me as a work in progress and I continue to progress and change.
Even today, I changed. I got outside of a fear and I ran a mile. Within that mile was some walking, some resting, some jogging but there was also running. And I wasn't running from my problems, but running towards my solutions. That is part of the continual change that is taking place within me.
This living business can be tricky. I have had to decide who do I please, who do I change for, who do I want to be. I may please no one unless they choose to be pleased by my actions, I may change for no one but myself because only I know who I choose to be.
Think of your own life, your own journey. What has changed you most? And what have been the good and bad changes that you have made? Would you trade out the bad or did they lead to better? Or did they lead to worse? At some point in life, we have to own the changes we have made or the change we have become and know that that is who we are and move on from that. I think that is finally where I am.
I am different than I was, obviously. But when was 'was'? Did I change when I moved to each new city? Yes, because each new city brought new challenges for me that I had to adapt to. Those new challenges were sometimes similar, new city, more children, Danny away with deployments and training. And then there were the changes of being in a different country, or learning how to balance my own work with deployments and growing children and having a home I was responsible for, not a lease. And in all of that, is adapting to the changes that are happening in the lives of the people around me as well. I have never been successful at that. Own it, and move forward.
I can't and won't look back anymore on the should haves and could haves of my past. I accept that each decision I made, right or wrong, is mine. I can't undo a decision, but if it were the wrong one, I can take steps to rectify it. Like the hallway paint color, horrible choice, I can paint over. Like my anger toward someone that was very close to me, nothing I can do to paint over that, I have learned to live with it and forgive myself for the grudge that I held.
Here's the other thing, we don't know what causes a person to change. We don't know what is happening in a life that makes someone become angry all the time, or unhealthy or despondent. I also know that I generally didn't ask, just made assumptions, but I am changing that behavior.
And where is all this discussion of change coming from, you may ask, well, several months ago, I got told that I had changed (and not for the better I might add!) when I moved to Des Moines. And that is fair. I have definitely changed in the past nearly 18 years. In this time, I have experienced some situations that I never dreamt I would, and for as much as the day to day of living can change a person, add in illness and death and at times, a very different and dark day to day, you bet your ass I have changed. I don't apologize for who I have become and I don't think I need to. I also don't think I need to spend any more time on justifying who I have become. As Goethe so eloquently said "If God wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise." Meaning, I am here as God's creation, not someone else's idea of what I should be. That being said, God did create me as a work in progress and I continue to progress and change.
Even today, I changed. I got outside of a fear and I ran a mile. Within that mile was some walking, some resting, some jogging but there was also running. And I wasn't running from my problems, but running towards my solutions. That is part of the continual change that is taking place within me.
This living business can be tricky. I have had to decide who do I please, who do I change for, who do I want to be. I may please no one unless they choose to be pleased by my actions, I may change for no one but myself because only I know who I choose to be.
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