A week ago yesterday, while doing my evening reflection, I had an epiphany. I needed to run. It was so clear in my mind. It was also 12:30 am and I had no proper footwear, it would have been irresponsible to run then, so fast forward to Sunday. Danny took me to the good shoe store, the one that watches you walk and actually finds the right shoes for a first time runner. Monday morning post FXB, I ran. And it's ugly. Most of the time it is this slow scuffle of feet barely leaving the pavement, or worse, a hunched over nearly defeated girl digging in for that next spurt and then the music changes and I am upright, chest out, fingers spread and I know I am placing each foot, each solution in front of the other with grace and purpose.
I am not running from anything anymore.
I am running toward something.
Piece of mind, peace of mind. Exercise may help ward off dementia. Exercise does help ward off all the bullshit in life.
I think the catalyst to this need to run came from an audio book I am listening to with my sister Dene' and friends. May Cause Miracles by Gabrielle Bernstein. It is not an earth shattering idea, it is mostly about forgiving myself, loving myself and finding that forgiveness and love in the world. It is nothing that I didn't already know, I had just decided for too long to ignore the issues in my heart and mind. When Dene' sent the Facebook invitation, I lept for it. I needed it, I need it. And I am already finding miracles. My God, I am running. There is a miracle.
And this invitation came just as I was researching therapists. I appeared to be stuck in a stage of grief or something that I couldn't get past. I was looking for sneaky ways to self harm to avoid situations. I'm going to stop there for a moment. I was so emotionally worked up about a social situation that I was actively trying to hurt myself badly enough to not have to go. That, my friends, is a shit place to be. I have worked very hard to get out of the self harm space. Somewhere in me, I was willing to go back to that place. Obviously, I needed help. I was super sensitive to the invitations that were not extended or the choice of words on facebook. I will tell you, for as much as I love Facebook, it is the fucking devil when one is feeling insecure. Anyway, with any trip to the therapist comes a copay and I decided, nope, I am not giving up any more of myself to this problem so I downloaded the Audible app, bought a little journal and started to find the answers in me.
The night of the epiphany I was heartbroken, again (Jesus Anne, get over it) and in the sobs, I saw it. I saw me, stride after stride, fixing my heart and getting killer legs while at it. I reached out to my friend, Juli, who is an avid runner. She frequently posts about the joy and release she finds in runs. She is currently training for the Chicago Marathon. She is an incredible friend. She is super bad ass. I would read her posts with a desire to experience that feeling but someone in my head would say, remember, you can't run. Because of what I am learning through May Cause Miracles, I know there is no one else in my head but me. I have gratefully shown the door to all the other naysayers that resided there. The voices from my youth, my young adulthood and even my middle adulthood, those voices that said I can't. The only voice that is left is the one that had listened to the others. And I am helping that Anne pack up and leave.
I can run. I am perfectly capable of it. I will work on my endurance and I will be able to keep a steady stride for an entire mile. I will add onto that mile as time goes on, I don't have an end goal of time or mileage, I don't know my destination, I don't think that is the important part right now, it's that I am running. Outside of my comfort zone but nearly as far out today as I was on Monday. I am running toward a better me. An Anne that sees the miracles. An Anne that faced a fear and aced that fear.
I wrap up this week with five days at Farrells and six days running. Miracle.
I have slept soundly six nights in a row. No despairing dreams. Miracle.
I have not self harmed in more years than I can remember even though the desire is frequently present. Miracle.
I am running. Miracle.
And in case you were wondering, there is a Broadway show based on life of Donna Summer. The music has begun to show up on my Pandora Showtunes Radio station. I have always loved "MacArthur Park" but was only familiar with Richard Harris's version. I did not know there was a disco version. There is. I was completely out of steam. It started to play and it starts out slow. Who did leave the cake out in the rain? I've always wondered that, and I can appreciate the time to it takes to make it, it does take time to bake it. And without the internet, they very well may never have that recipe again. And then the music changes and there is no denying the beat. I had my best run to that song. I think a disco station is what I need to maximize my run.
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