Hey resolution time! Yeah, you with the huge expectations. I'm talking to you. And I am telling, not this time. I resolve nothing. I have done enough resolving in previous years so I see no need to create more burdens on my heart and head. I'm just going to keep keeping on. And if my history teaches me anything, there will be days where I will proclaim that I am done. Done with being fat or sad or pissed off and I will be done for days or weeks or even a couple months and then something happens and I'll be back to being fat or sad or pissed off. And that's alright, it is me and I am not interested in changing me too very much.
This past year was very unsettled in our hearts and it was difficult.
Danny, after so many years of using his body to save the world in many different aspects, injured his back. Months of trying to find a treatment that would work has led us to surgery and the hopes that the pain will be minimized. THe chiropractor took a lot of time with Danny explaining what happened and in that conversation said that sometime in the past 35 years, Danny injured his back and over the years, it finally gave. Sometime... parcoring (before it was a word) across downtown Cedar Rapids, humping across the deserts of Saudi Arabia, jumpin out of airplanes, backpacking across Iraq with half his body weight strapped to his body, wearing a vest and belt for ten years getting in and out of a crown vic, chasing down the bad guy, doing the Danny drop. Yeah, sometime in all that, an injury occurred.
As a mom, it was tough to watch the kinder muddle through all that 2018 did and didn't have to offer. I am very proud of them in undescribable ways as they make the make forward. Adults, sure, but there have been some very sweet moments, especially in these past few months, that have showed me the kids they once were. And I couldn't been more proud of them as they measure their successes not in dollars but in satisfactions and joys. What they are now is not so much from what Danny and I did as parents but from what they have learned as adults, adulting.
Me, I made all kinds of resolutions in 2018 and yeah, I worked out, but not always. I made a real go of this little business of mine and I am finding my way and it is wonderful. Loomies Rugs LLC is the most wonderful little business and the support I have received my from family and friends makes my heart so happy. I did not make the transition to pharmacy at work and that's fine. I am particularly good at putting stuff on a shelf so I keep at that.
I tried to let go of IT. It, that all encompassing word, not the clown in the sewer. It has been a little group of emotions that are primarily grief and pissed. A huge thank you to my friends that have allowed me to hash and rehash IT, I may be over IT! Wouldn't that be exciting. I've read about being a toxic person and maybe that is a resolution, to stop being an asshole. I have struggled with letting go with the crimes committed against me, real and perceived. I've done a really good job of playing the victim. I understand why people want a sharp knife for a clean cut. A dull knife leaves a lot of jagged edges that just don't heal properly and that applies to people as well. If you intend to go about inflicting injury on people, at least be sharp not dull. Oh wait, that is me being an asshole again, good thing it isn't the new year yet.
I wish you all a very bright and beautiful new year. May your IT be over and may your happiness be overflowing. Cheers 2019!!!
Monday, December 31, 2018
Wednesday, December 12, 2018
An Agnostic Christmas
My heart has changed over the course of the past year but I wasn't really realizing it until the annual appeal came in the mail from the church I belonged to. I could tell by the amount tithed in 2018, I had not been to mass in a very long time. In fact, the last mass I remember was in July in Cedar Rapids, said for my dad. I had stopped going to mass for no real reason, but as I read the tithing appeal, I realized that I could no longer give to the Catholic Church. I couldn't trust them with my money. I couldn't be certain that none of my dollars were in any way supporting a sex offender, a predator against children, a person that was systematically protected by an organization that should have done the very opposite. (I just read an article about two nuns that embezzled $50,000 from the school they principled and taught at, the diocese was not going to press charges because the sisters showed remorse, more protection.) And with that thought came the realization that I can't expect that same organization to support me, I couldn't just show up and use the facilities etc when I had the means to donate but chose not to.
And in no way is any one parish to blame. St. Francis, the church I most frequented and belonged to, made me welcome. Though it has a huge membership, there were so many options for someone to get involved and feel a part of the place. Though it never felt like Immaculate Conception, and really, what parish could, it was and is a welcoming place. It saddens me to know that I will not have a Catholic funeral mass. I find that particular mass the most comforting, the most beautiful send off. And yet, I am not Catholic and I cannot pick and choose what I want to follow and use. So I did a little web search and this is one of the site's list of requirements to be Catholic. I fail miserably on many of these bullet points and I am pro choice. That seems like an immediate exclusion from Catholic life and I completely agree that all life is sacred. I am just not willing to give up the desire for abortion to remain legal. (And I have had every argument presented to me on this subject and my mind does not waiver.)
The website stated as a Catholic, basically you're required to live a Christian life, pray daily, participate in the sacraments, obey moral law, and accept the teachings of Christ and his Church. I can follow Christ's teachings, or at least try to, but the teachings of the church is where I stumble. There is a long history of corruption, greed and abuse in the church, how can I follow any of what they say when they cannot follow it? Even now, we are still learning about cases of abuse that happened in this century.
-Attend Mass every Sunday and holy day of obligation. Well, I am obviously not doing that. I am not even attending Mass once a month. And I have heard the argument frequently that I don't need to be in a church to worship God and that is correct, but I do need to be in church to be Catholic. Like I need to be in class to be a student. Or at work to be an employee.
-Go to confession annually if not more often or when needed. I cannot say with certainty the last time I went to confession. Oh, I love the sacrament and don't have issue going, it is the cheapest therapy session I know, I just am too lazy to go. And yet, I would receive eucharist knowing that I wasn't supposed to because I hadn't been to confession. Again, confession is not required for my sins to be forgiven, I know that, but receiving the sacrament annually is required for continued Catholicism.
-receiving Holy Communion during Easter. Receiving weekly or daily is encouraged, though. Can't receive if I don't go. Oddly, for all the laws and beliefs that I have an issue with, Holy Communion is not one of them. Believing that Christ's blood and body were/are present in the eucharist has always been easy for me to accept. And I always thought it so interesting that so many other Christian religions that take far more of the bible literally did not take the events of the last supper literally and believe that the Eucharist is merely a symbol of the body and blood of Christ. But again, it shouldn't matter to me what another faith believes as I become agnostic.
-Observe laws on fasting and abstinence: one full meal on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday; not eating meat on Fridays during Lent. Well, I don't. I absolutely suck at fasting. Tell me I can't eat something and all of a sudden that is all I want. This past Lenten period, my muslim friend made plenty of fun of me for not being able to get through a Friday when he fasts during all of Ramadan. There is some serious fasting in that religion. No Thanks!
-Obey the marriage laws of the Church. I am pretty sure I hit this one on the nose. Except for the obey part. Neither Danny or I do much of that.
-Support the Church financially and otherwise. Well, I have already touched on this one in the beginning. I don't tithe anymore. When I was going to mass, it was $10 in the basket, but I would also claim it on my taxes so it wasn't exactly a free gift from the heart. And after the most recent comments made by Pope Francis regarding homosexuals that he made in an interview for a book to be soon published, "He urged homosexuals who are already priests or nuns to be celibate and responsible to avoid creating scandal." /www.nbcnews.com/news/religion/pope-francis-says-he-s-worried-about-homosexuality-priesthood-n942726. While reading this, I wondered one thing, did Pope Francis believe that because someone was homosexual, meaning that they were attracted to a member of their same sex as opposed to a heterosexual, someone attracted to a member of the opposite sex, they could not take a vow of celibacy and maintain that vow? Because let's not confuse things here one bit. Homosexuality is in no way responsible for the actions taken by members of the church that preyed upon children and young people for their own needs. Those that commited sexual assaults against children and young people did so for no other reason than that they could not control themselves. Those people used their position of trust and power to prey upon the most vulnerable and were then protected and supported by the Church. Pope Francis's words left me saddened for every person that wants to be accepted into the church and then hears those words that imply their sexuality makes them less moral or ethical. A person chooses a life of celibacy regardless of their sexual preference. And the scandals created in the past were by priests and bishops and cardinals that were protecting criminals. FFS if my parish priest chooses to have an affair with another consenting adult, be it hetero or homosexual, that is not a scandal compared to hundreds of, wait thousands of children being assaulted sexually be people representing Christ. Don't get me wrong, the aforementioned affair would certainly be interesting as far as nosey human interest goes, but it would not be a scandal that ruined the lives of children and that required the hard earn money of parishioners to be used as hush money.
So that's how I came to realize I was no longer Catholic. And I am sad for it. I love the Catholic mass. I love the rituals and meanings behind all the small actions. I love the huge monuments built to honor Christ (and to show off to the neighboring bishop). I love the art and pageantry. I love the blue shirts and khaki pants and plaid skirts of the students. I will always remember fondly the Catholic Church of my youth with IC school, bazaars, KofC 909 fish fries and steak fries. But I am no longer there.
And with that, I started to question my faith. And this is where is all gets very muddled and tricky.
I separate God and Jesus. I know the one in three persons deal, and I don't know how that works exactly, but for my purposes, I am separating God and Jesus and here's why. Jesus is legit. Everything I can read about him in the bible adds up. He's a good guy who walks the walk He know what Jesus would do and does it. And Jesus' message is clear. Love your neighbor, help the poor, don't be an ass. God, on the other hand, has no clear message. Don't get a tattoo, sacrifice your baby, don't eat shellfish.
Trust in me. That's where He got me. I started trusting and I started leaving it up to Him and I saw no change, or the change I saw was worse. And I'm not talking about winning the lottery prayers. I am talking about reading about all these people trying to make the world better in a million ways and nothing comes to fruition. I am talking about the ridiculousness in refusing plastic straws and carrying my own bags when the earth is dying around us and yet we were called upon to be stewards and all the stewards are just hitting these political walls. I am talking about these organizations desperately trying to feed babies in Yemen and the convoys are stolen or destroyed. And I ask why in the word should I trust You? What is to be gained from it? I am no worse off to refuse my straws and donate to relief organizations without looking to a higher power for hope and help. Is it absolutely ridiculous of me to want to see your work in action? I don't think so. I feel like the only time I see "God's work" is when one religion is attacking another or one group is protesting another group and I don't think either of those is what "God's work" is supposed to be.
"It's God's Will" Ah, yes, that is a classic stand by. And we are not to understand why it is His will or in His plan or any other thing. There is a movement of people that believe that the government does not want to fund better education for its population because uneducated people are easier to control. That same philosophy certainly could be applied to the teachings about God. People have created this huge, hulking power that we are to fear. If we fear, we probably won't challenge. Reading the Old Testament, it certainly feels like we should fear.
Let me ask you this, Am I any worse for wear if I do not worship God? Will I go to hell? Possibly, but depending on your belief system, heaven may only have a limited number of rooms available anyway. According to Revelation 7:4, 144,000 people will be headed home and the rest? Now, the argument there is that this was written in a time... The whole bible was written in a time ... I absolutely struggle with people taking one piece as fact and another as rumor and a third as a lesson meant to teach us. Generally we take the facts to fit our own needs, rumor to dispel our sins and lessons to explain something we don't really want to follow anyway. For example, I cannot eat shellfish, the bible says so. But I can get tattoos because the bible was written when non believers would have tattoos. And the 144,000 going to heaven was a story that had to do with the 12 tribes of Israel and was written before new math. But if everything is literal, there are not going to be very many people in heaven, yet we were told to be fruitful and multiply. It makes zero sense!
Not believing or worshipping or even honoring God doesn't change who I am other than the fact that I have a tattoo I need covered. I still do good stuff, I am still a relatively good person, I still donate my dollars but I do all those not because of God but because I want this world to be better. And with God, it hasn't gotten any better so why should I put for that extra effort on Him when I could use it to make a change that is here and now?
If I want to believe that God is responsible for Danny's safe return home from Iraq or Ashlyn's cure of cancer then I have to believe that He is also responsible for the death of everyone that didn't come home. I have to believe He is to blame for the death of those not cured. He has to be present in the action and reaction. Danny was primarily responsible for his safe return home and Ashlyn's cure was because of science and the way her body responded to treatment. Sure you can argue that those doctors got their big brains from God, but they chose to use them. Free will and God's plan can't be used in the same argument.
Funny thing is, crosses are still a big part of my home decorating. I have many, crosses and crucifixes. I will still collect them on my travels because they are beautiful and the cross symbol has been around for a every long time, so it doesn't have to be religious. And during the holidays, I am still unpacking many nativity sets. And I still want more. There are some beautiful nativities carved in Bethlehem and I would love to have one because it is hand made by Christians in Bethlehem, a group of people I want to support and the craftsmanship is amazing. Christmas time is full of symbols that I don't understand or know the meaning of, even the time of year we celebrate the birth of Jesus was chosen because people were already celebrating the winter solstice and it was easier to introduce another celebration that used many of the same symbols. If we believe the nativity story, and the other clues presented in the bible, Jesus would have been born in September or October.
And yes, I will wish you a Merry Christmas. And you will probably wish me a Merry Christmas as well and I will take no offense because that would be dumb. You can pray for me if you like, but I will not pray for you because I am not positive in the purpose and do you really want someone of less faith praying for you? Though out of habit, I still find myself saying prayers to myself when the ambulance drives by. I still believe Mom and Dad are in heaven. I absolutely believe that your beliefs are right and true for you (mostly).
Last week a very emotional woman was in the store. She talked to me for quite awhile in the aisle and then again at the check out. She did a lot of stops and starts in her sentences, never quite saying what she wanted and there were tears in her eyes. I followed her outside just to be sure she was ok. And I offered her a hug. She came back to the store later with two flowers for me and a thank you note. The note said something about Jesus putting me there for her. I don't know if that's true but I know it doesn't matter if it is. Jesus didn't compel me to be kind or to offer her a hug. Jesus didn't put Barron between me and the harm I was going to cause. Jesus didn't give me two daughters with compatible blood types, and if he did, why didn't he give compatible blood types to other sisters? It's all just how it happened. The earth rotates, sometimes it rains, people are kind, people are assholes, dogs are really good at reading people but don't live nearly long enough, shit happens.
This may all be a phase. I've gone through phases before. I was once trying to be an educated Catholic, that backfired. I once tried to be a devote rosary sayer, I was lazy. I looked into Eastern religions but don't have the self discipline. So agnostic it is. And a cover up tattoo.
Romans 14:1.
And in no way is any one parish to blame. St. Francis, the church I most frequented and belonged to, made me welcome. Though it has a huge membership, there were so many options for someone to get involved and feel a part of the place. Though it never felt like Immaculate Conception, and really, what parish could, it was and is a welcoming place. It saddens me to know that I will not have a Catholic funeral mass. I find that particular mass the most comforting, the most beautiful send off. And yet, I am not Catholic and I cannot pick and choose what I want to follow and use. So I did a little web search and this is one of the site's list of requirements to be Catholic. I fail miserably on many of these bullet points and I am pro choice. That seems like an immediate exclusion from Catholic life and I completely agree that all life is sacred. I am just not willing to give up the desire for abortion to remain legal. (And I have had every argument presented to me on this subject and my mind does not waiver.)
The website stated as a Catholic, basically you're required to live a Christian life, pray daily, participate in the sacraments, obey moral law, and accept the teachings of Christ and his Church. I can follow Christ's teachings, or at least try to, but the teachings of the church is where I stumble. There is a long history of corruption, greed and abuse in the church, how can I follow any of what they say when they cannot follow it? Even now, we are still learning about cases of abuse that happened in this century.
-Attend Mass every Sunday and holy day of obligation. Well, I am obviously not doing that. I am not even attending Mass once a month. And I have heard the argument frequently that I don't need to be in a church to worship God and that is correct, but I do need to be in church to be Catholic. Like I need to be in class to be a student. Or at work to be an employee.
-Go to confession annually if not more often or when needed. I cannot say with certainty the last time I went to confession. Oh, I love the sacrament and don't have issue going, it is the cheapest therapy session I know, I just am too lazy to go. And yet, I would receive eucharist knowing that I wasn't supposed to because I hadn't been to confession. Again, confession is not required for my sins to be forgiven, I know that, but receiving the sacrament annually is required for continued Catholicism.
-receiving Holy Communion during Easter. Receiving weekly or daily is encouraged, though. Can't receive if I don't go. Oddly, for all the laws and beliefs that I have an issue with, Holy Communion is not one of them. Believing that Christ's blood and body were/are present in the eucharist has always been easy for me to accept. And I always thought it so interesting that so many other Christian religions that take far more of the bible literally did not take the events of the last supper literally and believe that the Eucharist is merely a symbol of the body and blood of Christ. But again, it shouldn't matter to me what another faith believes as I become agnostic.
-Observe laws on fasting and abstinence: one full meal on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday; not eating meat on Fridays during Lent. Well, I don't. I absolutely suck at fasting. Tell me I can't eat something and all of a sudden that is all I want. This past Lenten period, my muslim friend made plenty of fun of me for not being able to get through a Friday when he fasts during all of Ramadan. There is some serious fasting in that religion. No Thanks!
-Obey the marriage laws of the Church. I am pretty sure I hit this one on the nose. Except for the obey part. Neither Danny or I do much of that.
-Support the Church financially and otherwise. Well, I have already touched on this one in the beginning. I don't tithe anymore. When I was going to mass, it was $10 in the basket, but I would also claim it on my taxes so it wasn't exactly a free gift from the heart. And after the most recent comments made by Pope Francis regarding homosexuals that he made in an interview for a book to be soon published, "He urged homosexuals who are already priests or nuns to be celibate and responsible to avoid creating scandal." /www.nbcnews.com/news/religion/pope-francis-says-he-s-worried-about-homosexuality-priesthood-n942726. While reading this, I wondered one thing, did Pope Francis believe that because someone was homosexual, meaning that they were attracted to a member of their same sex as opposed to a heterosexual, someone attracted to a member of the opposite sex, they could not take a vow of celibacy and maintain that vow? Because let's not confuse things here one bit. Homosexuality is in no way responsible for the actions taken by members of the church that preyed upon children and young people for their own needs. Those that commited sexual assaults against children and young people did so for no other reason than that they could not control themselves. Those people used their position of trust and power to prey upon the most vulnerable and were then protected and supported by the Church. Pope Francis's words left me saddened for every person that wants to be accepted into the church and then hears those words that imply their sexuality makes them less moral or ethical. A person chooses a life of celibacy regardless of their sexual preference. And the scandals created in the past were by priests and bishops and cardinals that were protecting criminals. FFS if my parish priest chooses to have an affair with another consenting adult, be it hetero or homosexual, that is not a scandal compared to hundreds of, wait thousands of children being assaulted sexually be people representing Christ. Don't get me wrong, the aforementioned affair would certainly be interesting as far as nosey human interest goes, but it would not be a scandal that ruined the lives of children and that required the hard earn money of parishioners to be used as hush money.
So that's how I came to realize I was no longer Catholic. And I am sad for it. I love the Catholic mass. I love the rituals and meanings behind all the small actions. I love the huge monuments built to honor Christ (and to show off to the neighboring bishop). I love the art and pageantry. I love the blue shirts and khaki pants and plaid skirts of the students. I will always remember fondly the Catholic Church of my youth with IC school, bazaars, KofC 909 fish fries and steak fries. But I am no longer there.
And with that, I started to question my faith. And this is where is all gets very muddled and tricky.
I separate God and Jesus. I know the one in three persons deal, and I don't know how that works exactly, but for my purposes, I am separating God and Jesus and here's why. Jesus is legit. Everything I can read about him in the bible adds up. He's a good guy who walks the walk He know what Jesus would do and does it. And Jesus' message is clear. Love your neighbor, help the poor, don't be an ass. God, on the other hand, has no clear message. Don't get a tattoo, sacrifice your baby, don't eat shellfish.
Trust in me. That's where He got me. I started trusting and I started leaving it up to Him and I saw no change, or the change I saw was worse. And I'm not talking about winning the lottery prayers. I am talking about reading about all these people trying to make the world better in a million ways and nothing comes to fruition. I am talking about the ridiculousness in refusing plastic straws and carrying my own bags when the earth is dying around us and yet we were called upon to be stewards and all the stewards are just hitting these political walls. I am talking about these organizations desperately trying to feed babies in Yemen and the convoys are stolen or destroyed. And I ask why in the word should I trust You? What is to be gained from it? I am no worse off to refuse my straws and donate to relief organizations without looking to a higher power for hope and help. Is it absolutely ridiculous of me to want to see your work in action? I don't think so. I feel like the only time I see "God's work" is when one religion is attacking another or one group is protesting another group and I don't think either of those is what "God's work" is supposed to be.
"It's God's Will" Ah, yes, that is a classic stand by. And we are not to understand why it is His will or in His plan or any other thing. There is a movement of people that believe that the government does not want to fund better education for its population because uneducated people are easier to control. That same philosophy certainly could be applied to the teachings about God. People have created this huge, hulking power that we are to fear. If we fear, we probably won't challenge. Reading the Old Testament, it certainly feels like we should fear.
Let me ask you this, Am I any worse for wear if I do not worship God? Will I go to hell? Possibly, but depending on your belief system, heaven may only have a limited number of rooms available anyway. According to Revelation 7:4, 144,000 people will be headed home and the rest? Now, the argument there is that this was written in a time... The whole bible was written in a time ... I absolutely struggle with people taking one piece as fact and another as rumor and a third as a lesson meant to teach us. Generally we take the facts to fit our own needs, rumor to dispel our sins and lessons to explain something we don't really want to follow anyway. For example, I cannot eat shellfish, the bible says so. But I can get tattoos because the bible was written when non believers would have tattoos. And the 144,000 going to heaven was a story that had to do with the 12 tribes of Israel and was written before new math. But if everything is literal, there are not going to be very many people in heaven, yet we were told to be fruitful and multiply. It makes zero sense!
Not believing or worshipping or even honoring God doesn't change who I am other than the fact that I have a tattoo I need covered. I still do good stuff, I am still a relatively good person, I still donate my dollars but I do all those not because of God but because I want this world to be better. And with God, it hasn't gotten any better so why should I put for that extra effort on Him when I could use it to make a change that is here and now?
If I want to believe that God is responsible for Danny's safe return home from Iraq or Ashlyn's cure of cancer then I have to believe that He is also responsible for the death of everyone that didn't come home. I have to believe He is to blame for the death of those not cured. He has to be present in the action and reaction. Danny was primarily responsible for his safe return home and Ashlyn's cure was because of science and the way her body responded to treatment. Sure you can argue that those doctors got their big brains from God, but they chose to use them. Free will and God's plan can't be used in the same argument.
Funny thing is, crosses are still a big part of my home decorating. I have many, crosses and crucifixes. I will still collect them on my travels because they are beautiful and the cross symbol has been around for a every long time, so it doesn't have to be religious. And during the holidays, I am still unpacking many nativity sets. And I still want more. There are some beautiful nativities carved in Bethlehem and I would love to have one because it is hand made by Christians in Bethlehem, a group of people I want to support and the craftsmanship is amazing. Christmas time is full of symbols that I don't understand or know the meaning of, even the time of year we celebrate the birth of Jesus was chosen because people were already celebrating the winter solstice and it was easier to introduce another celebration that used many of the same symbols. If we believe the nativity story, and the other clues presented in the bible, Jesus would have been born in September or October.
And yes, I will wish you a Merry Christmas. And you will probably wish me a Merry Christmas as well and I will take no offense because that would be dumb. You can pray for me if you like, but I will not pray for you because I am not positive in the purpose and do you really want someone of less faith praying for you? Though out of habit, I still find myself saying prayers to myself when the ambulance drives by. I still believe Mom and Dad are in heaven. I absolutely believe that your beliefs are right and true for you (mostly).
Last week a very emotional woman was in the store. She talked to me for quite awhile in the aisle and then again at the check out. She did a lot of stops and starts in her sentences, never quite saying what she wanted and there were tears in her eyes. I followed her outside just to be sure she was ok. And I offered her a hug. She came back to the store later with two flowers for me and a thank you note. The note said something about Jesus putting me there for her. I don't know if that's true but I know it doesn't matter if it is. Jesus didn't compel me to be kind or to offer her a hug. Jesus didn't put Barron between me and the harm I was going to cause. Jesus didn't give me two daughters with compatible blood types, and if he did, why didn't he give compatible blood types to other sisters? It's all just how it happened. The earth rotates, sometimes it rains, people are kind, people are assholes, dogs are really good at reading people but don't live nearly long enough, shit happens.
This may all be a phase. I've gone through phases before. I was once trying to be an educated Catholic, that backfired. I once tried to be a devote rosary sayer, I was lazy. I looked into Eastern religions but don't have the self discipline. So agnostic it is. And a cover up tattoo.
Romans 14:1.
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