I stopped praying a few months ago. I stopped having faith in a greater power. I stopped the insestint struggle I had with my relationship with God. And I am no worse for wear. In fact, I am far more at peace knowing that as the world appears to collapse around us, I don't have to be angry at a god who does not appear to listen to the pleas of his most desperate people. I can blame humans for this shit and I can look to humans to help their fellow humans and the world we share.
I mean no disrespect to people who have a relationship with God, that find comfort in prayer, in worship. I did. The Catholic mass used to be a place of huge respite for me. And then I found more conflict inside of me as I listened to the homilies of priests that represented a church that did not own its mistakes, its huge, life altering, life ruining mistakes. I couldn't hear the message of love because I became fixated on the lack of responsibility the church showed in the abuses of children, in the coercion of its young priests, in its rapes of nuns at the hands of priests. I felt like the church was looking to blame society, media and the "sin" of homosexuality. None of that sounded like love to me. So, I stopped going to mass, removed my name from the parishioner list, changed my funeral plans and no longer identified myself as catholic.
But my struggle was still there. I covered up my LET GO LET GOD tattoo. Now it just says "LET GO" and that's what I did. I let go of having faith in a greater power. I now think of god as a bigger power, but not greater. I don't wonder about his plan for me, I don't fight so hard against his will. I don't really think there is a plan and if there is, it appears to be a poor one.
I recently read an article in National Geographic about sacred text. The article mentioned that at one point, men gathered to decide what books would be in the bible. I read another article online about how the word homosexual and its variations were not in early bibles but only appeared later. Early texts used a word to describe someone that was a child abuser, which is not a synonym of homosexual. How do I trust the words written in the bible as the word of God when I see so much evidence of the hand of man mucking it all up? So, I decided to pick and choose what I wanted to use in my life, much like Thomas Jefferson did and self-righteous people do.
And this I know, it does not matter if I believe, if I pray, if I do what Jesus did (because I wouldn't, let's be honest, I am not aiding lepers or volunteering to die on crosses). What matters is how I live my life here because I am here not because I am trying to secure a spot there. Love thy neighbor regardless of their sexual orientation, immigration status or religion but judge them on their shopping cart habits.
I was tired of hearing the phrases 'god's will' and 'free will'. I was tired of those being the answer to every question that haunted me. I was tired of the idea that an infant born with cancer was somehow "god's will" because if it was, god was a jerk. The Amazon is on fire, God should be able to make it rain but instead sends a killer hurricane to already destitute areas. How is any of that behavior the behavior of someone I want to look up to, worship, confide in and trust? So, I trust the people raising money to help fight the fires, that help fight the cancers, that help rebuild the islands. I send them my dollars instead of giving it to an organization that has had to pay hush money to altar boys.
I won't pray for you. I won't ask you to keep me in your prayers. I will bless you when you sneeze because I don't know what else to say, but I don't really mean it in that way.
But in all of my thinking, I still have some contradictory truths. I know that my mom is in heaven. I still love to visit churches and would not turn down a trip to the vatican. I have a big collection of crosses and nativity scenes that I do not intend to get rid of. I am still defensive toward Martin Luther and his influence on the iconoclasts. I am not an atheist or even an agnostic. I am simply a non participant. And probably a ticket holder to hell.
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