So, yeah, a year of masks and social distancing and take out and online orders and so many opinions. And here we are on the sort of other side of it. Many vaccinated, many not. Many still following the best advice they were given, many others following the best advice they were given. Many, too many, still mourning, always mourning those that they lost in this past pandemic year either because of the virus, because of the effects of the isolation, because of the shut downs, because of the other crisis' that happened in these past twelve months. Many still, caught up in the decisiveness of it all, unable to see the humanity in it all.
I have come through to this other side tremendously grateful. Grateful that those I love managed to stay healthy even though they were often in very high risk situations. Grateful that because of my best job, I was able to not return to the higher risk job. I had just shifted to working three days a week as the shut downs began. Not thinking that they would last as long as they did, I went ahead with the plan to work just on Sundays as Monday through Wednesday was spent with a little gal and Thursdays and Fridays were to be spent at the loom to create stock for the spring and summer shows. Well, those spring shows were cancelled and those summer shows were resting precariously on thin ice. We weighed the benefits of not returning to retail position with the potential loss in income if shows did not return. The benefit of not exposing myself to the virus and keeping the little gal safe was all that mattered. And as it turned out, summer shows did return and people bought rugs, quite a lot of them. Grateful that as a family, we easily saw that limiting my exposure, especially in the beginning, was the right move.
Then Hayley was directed to work from home so I shifted from having the little gal come to me and I went to her. It definitely added more to my "work" day and in return, I was able to see more of my daughter in general, we had lunch together three times a week. I was also able to see more of my daughter being a mama and that was really quite amazing. Because Hayley's work day was shorter without the commute, she got more time with her baby and how great is that. I know that so many people didn't get that or the time they got was so stressful because of online learning etc. that is why I am so grateful that we got what we got when we got it!
I am grateful that my other two children were able to navigate this pandemic year the best they could. But knowing that they lost out on opportunity that may not come again is frustrating. Hoping that as the world opens back up, it opens widely for them. I suspect that they will take full advantage when advantages are safe. Grateful that we were able to see one, often from the prescribed distance as he navigated through the fun game of is it allergies, is it COVID? It was never COVID. Grateful that we were able to see the other just a couple of times as she diligently respected her own city's mandates that were stricter than ours. It was hard knowing she was just an interstate road trip away and yet, there was no getting there.
I am grateful for the time I was given to dive deep into my own thoughts and realizations. I was able to make sense of a lot of my emotions and opinions. I was able to find answers to questions that I had never asked before. Growing up in a life with four TV channels, with the Five O'Clock news being my one and only source of information, it is easy for me to see why I was completely ignorant of the depth of racism. I was a self absorbed teen of the 80s, a young mom in the 90s, it wasn't like I was going to go to the library to research a subject that I did not know existed. So this time free from a lot of obligations gave me the opportunity to educate myself. I am still very ignorant, but trying, right. I am not so prone to knee jerk responses. I am not so prone to keeping social media contacts that aren't good for me in some way. I am much more aware of the fact that I cannot undo what has been done, that I am responsible for myself and my action and I can be on the best side of history. And, no, you will probably never see me out there marching for a cause, but there are many, many ways to not remain complicit.
I know this pandemic year that people parted from me over differing views and that could have happened in any year over any circumstance. I am not easy! I learned several years ago, that the parting of ways, though often painful, is okay.
I regret that I never took advantage of long walks in nature preserves or that I did not devour a stack of books. I don't regret that most of my binge television was of a light weight subject matter. I regret that I did not strive to maintain an exercise schedule, am surprised that I only gained 5 pounds. I did not take up knitting or baking or growing a victory garden. I did not hoard toilet paper or hand sanitizer. I did not order food from a local business regularly. I did decorate my front door. I did participate in ZOOM calls. I found my admiration of Dolly Parton to increase and my dissatisfaction with a great number of other public figures to increase as well.
I have come out on the almost other side of this pandemic with a streamlined Instagram that only follows a few friends, good news sites, dogs and small business owners. I will gladly go down the internet rabbit hole of heart warming stories, videos and the like. I have tried to silence my political voice on Facebook. I have tried to share the good and kind and silly. I have tried to smile with my eyes whenever I see someone that looks like they are struggling, and some days that feels like everyone. And though I cannot undo my past, I can and do challenge myself to do better. I believe, more than ever, that kindness is a real and vital tool in making this other side a worthy place to be.
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