So the other day on our way to the tax man, my husband of twenty fives years asks a very innocent question. "Would you be totally against painting the house green?" I sat in the passenger's seat of our big new truck and felt my blood boil. How dare he? The audacity!
"YES! I would be totally against painting the house green!" I screamed inside my head.
Danny's reasoning was that the brown of the gutters could look better against green than blue. Green would certainly look sharp against the reds in the brick. I counter countered with the blue looks much better against the grey of the deck and that when all the green that grows starts to pop up, the blue may not bother him so much.
But honestly, none of this is about the color of the house, it is about not wanting one more thing to change in the whirlwind of change that is taking place in my life. None of the change is bad really. It is just a lot in a short amount of time and I am obviously not dealing with it if I am freaking out about painting a house.
The last of my big dogs died nine months ago and I still mourn her. I will mourn her forever as I do Barron. There is no replacing them because we aren't in the big dog business anymore. We have Hattie. She is little and adorable and completely different. Hattie's personality is huge and make no mistake, I absolutely love her. 200 pounds to eight pounds is still quite a change. I will continue to adapt throughout the spring and summer. Harlow was a different kind of presence in the yard. I don't know how Hattie will be. I imagine she will be everywhere, sniffing everything. I imagine she will spring in to say HI! and then sprint to the far corners to explore, eat leaves and find bunnies. Harlow was done with all that most days. The energy will be so different. Different.
Ashlyn is moving to Portland, Oregon. I knew it. I knew that she would go for a very long time. But I got so used to having her around that I am not quite sure how I will fill my time. Hayley is moving to Omaha. I didn't know it and was expecting her to move home, at least for a little while. So not only do I have to get used to not having Ashlyn here, I have to get used to not getting to have Hayley here. Don't get me wrong. I am glad. I am glad that Ashlyn is moving to Portland and that Hayley is moving to Omaha. It is right and it is where they are both supposed to be going. One does not get excepted to law school or get the great job if it wasn't the plan, but it doesn't mean that it is easy for the mom.
Jacob is moving home this summer and I hope that he indulges me on occasion and hangs out with me. I know that he is getting his own life going and all that, but... He promised to paint the garage this summer, blue.
And then there is work. I have no idea what is happening there. No one really does but the guys from Great Britain that were bought out by us with stock. So they own us now and they are bringing in new ideas and that means change.
Change that I have to roll with because we have a new truck payment that is slightly larger than the Fiesta payment and I can't change jobs.
I think my little brain just didn't know how to process any more change and it manifested itself in a completely irrational response to a pretty innocent question. God bless Danny White for just taking my long drawn out response with a sense of humor as I can't promise how quickly I will adapt to all these changes. Oh, and did I mention I have glasses now? So I am adapting to them as well. And there is the thyroid medication that we may tweak a bit to see if that doesn't improve my skin and sleep and energy which will all help me better handle questions about house colors and what's for dinners and what ever else life my throw at me.
In all that transpired in these past few weeks, I know that what concerned me the most was not the truck payment or house color or even where my daughters will live, but what I dreamt. I dreamt that I was cutting again, on the bottoms of my feet so that Danny wouldn't know. Is that how I want to respond to the stresses that I am experiencing (WTF none of this seems like it should be stressful)? Am I still carrying around the cutting bullshit deep in my soul? More than anything, I would like to know why cutting has reappeared in my life.
Danny came home for lunch today and he listened, again, while I recited all my hopes and fears. He is so patient with me. I told him about the last conversation I had had with my doctor and that she brought up anti depressants. I don't want them, am not interested in them, won't take them because for as low as my lows rarely feel, my highs are so fantastic that I would never want to diminish that feeling. I don't want to take the edge off of anything because that was what cutting was. I just want to be whatever it is I am going to be in that moment and know that change will come, it is inevitable. But also know that in the changes I will still have constants of a man that loves me, a dog that is excited to see me and kinder, that no matter where they are, are still my kinder.
I know that cutting is not in my future. And I know that neither of us really want to paint the house and we probably can't afford to hire it done so for the time being, the house is blue!
Monday, March 9, 2015
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Lent
Lent begins tomorrow. Ash Wednesday. Mass, some ashes, no meat. It is unfortunate that that is what I take away from this season most days. I forget that for 40 days I am to suffer just a bit of the suffering that Jesus endured. I am not any good at it. By day 2 (by 2 in the afternoon on Wednesday if we are going to be honest) I will have begun the bargaining process. I will negotiate the eating of this piece of chocolate for this decade of the rosary. I will already fail before the ashes are washed from my head. I am not very good at this Catholic business.
I know that a lot of people give up social media. I see the merit in that, especially if it is all consuming for you (as it appears to be for me) but I don't want to go 40 days without virtually seeing my friends and family that are far away. I could give up forty days of viewing dog videos and reading the angry sentiments of the right and left. I could go forty days without knowing what the Kardashians are doing or how marriage for all will ruin marriage for some.
I know many will forgo chocolate and soda. I will not be one of those many. Nor will I give up the swearing, sarcasm or snarkiness that I so love. Though I could definitely benefit from reducing the swearing, sarcasm and snarkiness that I am so loved for.
I have been told that one should not share what they are doing for lent. It should be between one and the Lord. That makes it easy for me to cheat or quit because who will hold me accountable. Oh, the Lord will, won't He?
Man, He has got to be sick and tired of me and my open ended promises, my shoulda, coulda, wouldas.
I am not shy about my journey to know God like I did for a brief moment in time. I am not ashamed of the meandering path that I am traveling to get back to Him. I am not proud of some of the names that I have called Him, or of some of the places I encouraged Him to go (is that even possible? Can God go to Hell?) I suppose He can, He is God after all.
So with much thought and prayer, I have decided that maybe I will give up being so combative with God. Maybe I will be more open to what people are saying about their own faith journey and accept that I will not make sense of the answers that I get. Maybe I will stop arguing about all the BS I find in the bible and know that like the dictionary, I won't need every word that is in the book, good or otherwise. Maybe I will give up shallow breathing and just inhale all the good that faith can bring me.
Giving up chocolate or facebook or even swearing will not make me better. Giving up has been the source of many of my problems as I gave up on God. Can I, for forty days, be a better friend? Can I listen instead of just talk? Can I learn to says thanks instead of bargaining? Can I, for forty days, give up my human expectations and just have a little more faith. Can I take out the prayer book of my mother's and see that it was faith that wore the paper soft? Can I just find that place in my heart that holds how I felt the day my mom died. The day that joy overcame me with such force that I could not control my tears. When faith told me that she had gone home and there was not a shred of doubt (and still I do not doubt that my mom went home that day to be with the Lord, though I don't know if the same will be for me) that she had. Or the day when Ashlyn told me that Jesus does not want us to worry and my worry was lifted.
Jesus spent his forty days working it all out. He was talking with his dad, and trying to make sense of what was to happen to him. He suffered. He struggled. He had a lot of human emotions while out in the desert. He had to deal with the devil and, I am sure, sand storms and big bugs and chapped lips. Yet he stuck it out. Maybe its time for me to stick it out as well and stop my self imposed suffering and find my way back.
I know that a lot of people give up social media. I see the merit in that, especially if it is all consuming for you (as it appears to be for me) but I don't want to go 40 days without virtually seeing my friends and family that are far away. I could give up forty days of viewing dog videos and reading the angry sentiments of the right and left. I could go forty days without knowing what the Kardashians are doing or how marriage for all will ruin marriage for some.
I know many will forgo chocolate and soda. I will not be one of those many. Nor will I give up the swearing, sarcasm or snarkiness that I so love. Though I could definitely benefit from reducing the swearing, sarcasm and snarkiness that I am so loved for.
I have been told that one should not share what they are doing for lent. It should be between one and the Lord. That makes it easy for me to cheat or quit because who will hold me accountable. Oh, the Lord will, won't He?
Man, He has got to be sick and tired of me and my open ended promises, my shoulda, coulda, wouldas.
I am not shy about my journey to know God like I did for a brief moment in time. I am not ashamed of the meandering path that I am traveling to get back to Him. I am not proud of some of the names that I have called Him, or of some of the places I encouraged Him to go (is that even possible? Can God go to Hell?) I suppose He can, He is God after all.
So with much thought and prayer, I have decided that maybe I will give up being so combative with God. Maybe I will be more open to what people are saying about their own faith journey and accept that I will not make sense of the answers that I get. Maybe I will stop arguing about all the BS I find in the bible and know that like the dictionary, I won't need every word that is in the book, good or otherwise. Maybe I will give up shallow breathing and just inhale all the good that faith can bring me.
Giving up chocolate or facebook or even swearing will not make me better. Giving up has been the source of many of my problems as I gave up on God. Can I, for forty days, be a better friend? Can I listen instead of just talk? Can I learn to says thanks instead of bargaining? Can I, for forty days, give up my human expectations and just have a little more faith. Can I take out the prayer book of my mother's and see that it was faith that wore the paper soft? Can I just find that place in my heart that holds how I felt the day my mom died. The day that joy overcame me with such force that I could not control my tears. When faith told me that she had gone home and there was not a shred of doubt (and still I do not doubt that my mom went home that day to be with the Lord, though I don't know if the same will be for me) that she had. Or the day when Ashlyn told me that Jesus does not want us to worry and my worry was lifted.
Jesus spent his forty days working it all out. He was talking with his dad, and trying to make sense of what was to happen to him. He suffered. He struggled. He had a lot of human emotions while out in the desert. He had to deal with the devil and, I am sure, sand storms and big bugs and chapped lips. Yet he stuck it out. Maybe its time for me to stick it out as well and stop my self imposed suffering and find my way back.
Friday, January 30, 2015
To My Hayley
Dear Hayley,
Today is your 22nd birthday. That just doesn't seem possible as I clearly remember our first night together with the rain on the hospital windows and the thunder, the sweet rare sound of thunder! And now you are this wonderful young woman just about ready to take on the future with the brightness of the lightening that long ago evening.
You are amazing. I know that every mom says that about every daughter, but you are truly amazing. Sure, you are cute and funny. You have a wonderful and beautiful smile (Smile Orthodontics says Happy Birthday). But that is not what makes you so special, it is your great big heart. I am amazed by the great efforts you take to make everyone feel special. Watching you work one afternoon was such a treat! Your care and attention to the bride-to-be was impressive. It is no wonder that people rave about you. Every bride must feel like a princess after an afternoon with you.
You are so funny. All of your life you have made me laugh. From your early days of make believe dressing up as Girl or Snow White or Witch (have a bite?) to your dress up days with Kat and Mary as Christmas elves, garage band or whatever else it was the three of you did, you made me laugh.
You are sweet. There is a no toothed can't hit the litter box weirdo that has a wonderful life because of you. You and Brett have given Small Cat a life that is warm and loving. There is a long line of furry friends that have benefited from your fleece blankets and movie marathons.
You are generous. Saved a sister's life and have already offered up a kidney or hunk of liver, if needed. But that is not where your generosity begins or ends. Your generous heart shines through all of the time.
You are all grown up with your own goals and plans but you will never stop being my girl, my Snow White, my witch. I am so proud. You will be wonderful!
I love you,
Mom
Today is your 22nd birthday. That just doesn't seem possible as I clearly remember our first night together with the rain on the hospital windows and the thunder, the sweet rare sound of thunder! And now you are this wonderful young woman just about ready to take on the future with the brightness of the lightening that long ago evening.
You are amazing. I know that every mom says that about every daughter, but you are truly amazing. Sure, you are cute and funny. You have a wonderful and beautiful smile (Smile Orthodontics says Happy Birthday). But that is not what makes you so special, it is your great big heart. I am amazed by the great efforts you take to make everyone feel special. Watching you work one afternoon was such a treat! Your care and attention to the bride-to-be was impressive. It is no wonder that people rave about you. Every bride must feel like a princess after an afternoon with you.
You are so funny. All of your life you have made me laugh. From your early days of make believe dressing up as Girl or Snow White or Witch (have a bite?) to your dress up days with Kat and Mary as Christmas elves, garage band or whatever else it was the three of you did, you made me laugh.
You are sweet. There is a no toothed can't hit the litter box weirdo that has a wonderful life because of you. You and Brett have given Small Cat a life that is warm and loving. There is a long line of furry friends that have benefited from your fleece blankets and movie marathons.
You are generous. Saved a sister's life and have already offered up a kidney or hunk of liver, if needed. But that is not where your generosity begins or ends. Your generous heart shines through all of the time.
You are all grown up with your own goals and plans but you will never stop being my girl, my Snow White, my witch. I am so proud. You will be wonderful!
I love you,
Mom
Sunday, January 18, 2015
war movies with my war veteran
"If you go to combat and you have people who love you at home, some version of this story is your story," Taya Kyle, widow of Chris Kyle, the subject of the much anticipated movie, American Sniper said in an interview regarding this movie.
We saw it yesterday, Danny and I. This is the first war movie that I have seen with Danny that does not take place prior to him enlisting. Meaning, I have watched "We Were Soldiers" and "Heartbreak Ridge" but did not see "Lone Survivor" or "Hurt Locker" with Danny. I was very hesitant to see "American Sniper" in the theater and with Danny. There are some things that I may just not want to know.
Danny was active duty and guard for sixteen years. In those sixteen years he saw combat twice, in 1990-91 with Desert Shield/Desert Storm and again in 2004 in Iraq. He has shared many of his experiences while in the desert, but I have always been sure that many experiences are told to me in a white washed sort of way. When Pillage gets together, I don't hear about missions, but instead am regaled with tales of TV stations gone bad, fantastic cave restaurant food and escapades of the men in the orange baseball caps on the balcony of Sadaam's palace. And that has always worked for me. Even ten years later, I am still unprepared to hear how close the mortar landed.
I am grateful to Taya Kyle for letting this story be told. It is a difficult place to be, a spouse frustrated and ready to be a regular family again. Even knowing what we 'signed up' for does not make us not want the usual, normal things. And when there are children, we struggle even more to keep things normal when we are not feeling normal at all. Personally, I am still processing the way I behaved while Danny was gone in 2004 and am still trying to let go of it.
The military and those associated with it have come along way in knowing that people need help sometimes to work through the shit and there is no shame in that. We laugh now about Danny changing lanes under the overpasses and not allowing any vehicle to get too close to us on 22nd Street and the movie shows that same reaction so very well. Danny was a horrible driver right after he came home. He swerved for every pothole and McDonalds bag in the road. And we thought we understood why, but we also thought he should be able to wrap his head around the fact that he was in West Des Moines. Watching a movie that shows some of what his experience may have been like makes me realize how idiotic I was thinking he should be able to just let that year go and get back to picking up kids from soccer practice and ordering pizza and being a regular dad driving a minivan down the road.
I am sure that many will come out of the theater with new feelings about the war in Iraq. I know that I still wonder about it, try to make sense of it. Having had the opportunity to talk to people that escaped the genocide in Northern Iraq gives me a very different perspective, I suppose. I don't know that I could love something, an idea, so much that I would give up a thousand days to fight for that. Lucky for me, there are plenty of people that do have that kind of heart and strength.
From Danny's point of view, a very well made movie that captured so much of what was real about Iraq. From my point of view, a very well made movie that captured so much of what was real about loving someone in Iraq.
We saw it yesterday, Danny and I. This is the first war movie that I have seen with Danny that does not take place prior to him enlisting. Meaning, I have watched "We Were Soldiers" and "Heartbreak Ridge" but did not see "Lone Survivor" or "Hurt Locker" with Danny. I was very hesitant to see "American Sniper" in the theater and with Danny. There are some things that I may just not want to know.
Danny was active duty and guard for sixteen years. In those sixteen years he saw combat twice, in 1990-91 with Desert Shield/Desert Storm and again in 2004 in Iraq. He has shared many of his experiences while in the desert, but I have always been sure that many experiences are told to me in a white washed sort of way. When Pillage gets together, I don't hear about missions, but instead am regaled with tales of TV stations gone bad, fantastic cave restaurant food and escapades of the men in the orange baseball caps on the balcony of Sadaam's palace. And that has always worked for me. Even ten years later, I am still unprepared to hear how close the mortar landed.
I am grateful to Taya Kyle for letting this story be told. It is a difficult place to be, a spouse frustrated and ready to be a regular family again. Even knowing what we 'signed up' for does not make us not want the usual, normal things. And when there are children, we struggle even more to keep things normal when we are not feeling normal at all. Personally, I am still processing the way I behaved while Danny was gone in 2004 and am still trying to let go of it.
The military and those associated with it have come along way in knowing that people need help sometimes to work through the shit and there is no shame in that. We laugh now about Danny changing lanes under the overpasses and not allowing any vehicle to get too close to us on 22nd Street and the movie shows that same reaction so very well. Danny was a horrible driver right after he came home. He swerved for every pothole and McDonalds bag in the road. And we thought we understood why, but we also thought he should be able to wrap his head around the fact that he was in West Des Moines. Watching a movie that shows some of what his experience may have been like makes me realize how idiotic I was thinking he should be able to just let that year go and get back to picking up kids from soccer practice and ordering pizza and being a regular dad driving a minivan down the road.
I am sure that many will come out of the theater with new feelings about the war in Iraq. I know that I still wonder about it, try to make sense of it. Having had the opportunity to talk to people that escaped the genocide in Northern Iraq gives me a very different perspective, I suppose. I don't know that I could love something, an idea, so much that I would give up a thousand days to fight for that. Lucky for me, there are plenty of people that do have that kind of heart and strength.
From Danny's point of view, a very well made movie that captured so much of what was real about Iraq. From my point of view, a very well made movie that captured so much of what was real about loving someone in Iraq.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Happy New Year...
I like to get caught up in the new beginnings business of new year, month, pay period. I make grand and sweeping plans to change for the better. Budgets and lifting schedules and book clubs are created and forgotten before the new has even dimmed it's glow. I'm lazy and comfortable in my easy life, I suppose. Or I take on too much too fast. Or I'm lazy and comfortable in my easy life.
2015 is no different. Or maybe it is. Maybe the idea that this is my forty fifth year has changed a little something in me. Maybe the idea that I don't want the second half of my life to be a physical or financial struggle has finally made me consider some things.
I lost seven pounds. Two to three of those have come back around these past two weeks, but I know how to get rid of them and love them more when they are gone. I have a normal budget that does not require hoops to be jumped through. I even got the first deposit into next year's Christmas fund! And I did all of that well before the ball dropped.
So what do I really resolve for 2015? Is it really to be rich and thin. Not really. Really? Truly? I resolved to just be happy. I resolve to figure out how to combat that dumb blackness that comes over me for no good reason. I resolve to figure out if it creeps in on the fog of monthly cycles or if it bursts through due to lack of chocolate. Is there a call for therapy and medicine or simply better eating and more exercising and gardening? I am betting on the latter. I am betting on doing what feels happy will keep me happy.
I think being happy will solve all my problems. If I simply follow what brings joy to me than it will be easy. And by happy, I don't mean stupidly giddy about the half full glass. I mean, well, I don't know exactly what I mean. Happy like when Harlow would find an enormous branch fallen from the tree and she would settle down and chew on it. Happy like when Hattie finds a yard full of leaves and she feels compelled to attack every one. Happy like when a kitty finds a sunspot and then another and another and then a heated blanket. I should know by now that my pets have all the answers.
So here is to 2015. I won't put too much pressure on it or me to make it the best year ever. I will make it happy. Everything else will fall into place if I just do that one simple thing.
Now off to the treadmill to walk and watch Parks and Rec. I do have other minor resolutions...
2015 is no different. Or maybe it is. Maybe the idea that this is my forty fifth year has changed a little something in me. Maybe the idea that I don't want the second half of my life to be a physical or financial struggle has finally made me consider some things.
I lost seven pounds. Two to three of those have come back around these past two weeks, but I know how to get rid of them and love them more when they are gone. I have a normal budget that does not require hoops to be jumped through. I even got the first deposit into next year's Christmas fund! And I did all of that well before the ball dropped.
So what do I really resolve for 2015? Is it really to be rich and thin. Not really. Really? Truly? I resolved to just be happy. I resolve to figure out how to combat that dumb blackness that comes over me for no good reason. I resolve to figure out if it creeps in on the fog of monthly cycles or if it bursts through due to lack of chocolate. Is there a call for therapy and medicine or simply better eating and more exercising and gardening? I am betting on the latter. I am betting on doing what feels happy will keep me happy.
I think being happy will solve all my problems. If I simply follow what brings joy to me than it will be easy. And by happy, I don't mean stupidly giddy about the half full glass. I mean, well, I don't know exactly what I mean. Happy like when Harlow would find an enormous branch fallen from the tree and she would settle down and chew on it. Happy like when Hattie finds a yard full of leaves and she feels compelled to attack every one. Happy like when a kitty finds a sunspot and then another and another and then a heated blanket. I should know by now that my pets have all the answers.
So here is to 2015. I won't put too much pressure on it or me to make it the best year ever. I will make it happy. Everything else will fall into place if I just do that one simple thing.
Now off to the treadmill to walk and watch Parks and Rec. I do have other minor resolutions...
Monday, December 22, 2014
we needed a dog
We lost Harlow five months ago and the quiet that she left behind has been unbearable. Even with two cats, it was too quiet. Too empty of empathy and interest because unless one had food or a bottle of water, the cats didn't really care. They loved on their terms. They didn't love for love's sake. We needed a dog.
There were many conversations about what and when and how. We had decided on a little dog, one that could be bathed in the sink. We wanted someone that didn't shed as much as Barron and Harlow did. We wanted someone that could go swimming, on car rides, in purses. And when I say we, I mean, he. Danny wanted someone small and more manageable. I wanted Irish wolfhounds or Scottish deerhounds. I knew that the big dog days were over and rightly so. Our lives are different now and we need someone a little more portable.
Norwich terrier, corgies, brittneys.
Too expensive, too thick of coats, too big for our sink.
And all the while I had been praying to St. Francis to bring a dog to Danny. I didn't want to choose. I just wanted one that needed us to come to us. Last Monday the prayer came true. There was a dog, just a year old that fit all of our ideals. She was orphaned, polite, trained, small, friendly, cute. It was ideal and I fell in love with her before she was ours. There was a wait period and during that time, someone with claim to her decided (and rightly so) that they wanted to have her with them. She went home last Friday with people that already knew her and loved her. They also took her kitty friend, which we would not have done, so the family was complete. But I was so angry about it. Not angry that she was going to someone else, but angry that all the things I had prayed for were presented to me and then pulled away. For as much as I like Jesus, I don't know if I will ever figure out His dad.
So, if you know me, you know that I plummeted into a dark, sad place and said really mean things to God and He probably just rolled His eyes and went back to work. He wasn't going to bring me a dog. That's why I have Danny.
Fast forward to today. I have no idea how it started, the talk of dogs. I think Danny was telling me about the happy reunion that was had. And then we started talking breeds. Danny said that he had always wanted a miniature schnauzer. Smartphones were fired up, images were loaded and someone did a breeder search of Iowa. Someone suggested that Danny call the one with available puppies. Someone suggested that he call back and arrange an adoption.
And between the time it takes to finish a dinner and load a dishwasher, we had a adopted a puppy and given her a ridiculous name.
So tomorrow, Danny, Hayley and Jacob are hitting the bank at 8am to with drawl the necessary cash and are then driving south east for 2.5 hours to pick up Hattie Megatron White.
Smaller than Harlow's muzzle. I cannot even grasp her tininess. She will weigh less than our kitties. We shopped for extra small collars and sweaters. Her bag of top of the line puppy food was half the price of Harlow and Barron's Costco food. When it is time for heart worm pills, she will take half of the smallest pill. Harlow had two of the largest. Hattie will fit in my purse, the one with the photo of Barron and Harlow on it.
There were many conversations about what and when and how. We had decided on a little dog, one that could be bathed in the sink. We wanted someone that didn't shed as much as Barron and Harlow did. We wanted someone that could go swimming, on car rides, in purses. And when I say we, I mean, he. Danny wanted someone small and more manageable. I wanted Irish wolfhounds or Scottish deerhounds. I knew that the big dog days were over and rightly so. Our lives are different now and we need someone a little more portable.
Norwich terrier, corgies, brittneys.
Too expensive, too thick of coats, too big for our sink.
And all the while I had been praying to St. Francis to bring a dog to Danny. I didn't want to choose. I just wanted one that needed us to come to us. Last Monday the prayer came true. There was a dog, just a year old that fit all of our ideals. She was orphaned, polite, trained, small, friendly, cute. It was ideal and I fell in love with her before she was ours. There was a wait period and during that time, someone with claim to her decided (and rightly so) that they wanted to have her with them. She went home last Friday with people that already knew her and loved her. They also took her kitty friend, which we would not have done, so the family was complete. But I was so angry about it. Not angry that she was going to someone else, but angry that all the things I had prayed for were presented to me and then pulled away. For as much as I like Jesus, I don't know if I will ever figure out His dad.
So, if you know me, you know that I plummeted into a dark, sad place and said really mean things to God and He probably just rolled His eyes and went back to work. He wasn't going to bring me a dog. That's why I have Danny.
Fast forward to today. I have no idea how it started, the talk of dogs. I think Danny was telling me about the happy reunion that was had. And then we started talking breeds. Danny said that he had always wanted a miniature schnauzer. Smartphones were fired up, images were loaded and someone did a breeder search of Iowa. Someone suggested that Danny call the one with available puppies. Someone suggested that he call back and arrange an adoption.
And between the time it takes to finish a dinner and load a dishwasher, we had a adopted a puppy and given her a ridiculous name.
So tomorrow, Danny, Hayley and Jacob are hitting the bank at 8am to with drawl the necessary cash and are then driving south east for 2.5 hours to pick up Hattie Megatron White.
Smaller than Harlow's muzzle. I cannot even grasp her tininess. She will weigh less than our kitties. We shopped for extra small collars and sweaters. Her bag of top of the line puppy food was half the price of Harlow and Barron's Costco food. When it is time for heart worm pills, she will take half of the smallest pill. Harlow had two of the largest. Hattie will fit in my purse, the one with the photo of Barron and Harlow on it.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
My Retail Rant
I get it. You have a limited amount of time to do an unlimited amount of holiday things. And to add to the pressure is all the magazine and pinterest perfection that either makes you aspire to do better or slump down in your own inadequacies. I am right there with you so don't take it out on me. Retail is an ever changing world and those that work in it are trying to keep pace with it as much as those that shop in it. We cannot know everything. When the clock strikes four, I am no longer working and will not go home and research online or visit coupon websites or even give my job and a second thought until 8:15 the next day.
"The Internet said you had it."
The Internet is never wrong so we must have it. Did you actually go into the store site and did it say available in stores and when you clicked on that, did it list this store? If you answered yes to all three of these questions then I am on it. I will find this item for you. I will search other stores, I will do whatever it takes to make that right. But if you answered no to any of the questions then don't blame me. The Internet says we have a lot of things we don't. Or you may think the Internet says we have it when actually its just the store getting its logo at the top of the sponsored list. I don't know how that works. I am a cashier, though I know how to navigate the Internet at a decent rate, I am not savvy to the inner workings of it.
On the same note as the Internet said you had it - my doctor said you had it is also not a viable inventory tool. At least once a week a customer comes in using those exact words. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BABY ASPIRIN ANYMORE!!! In the past 14 years there has been a huge push to stop referring to 81mg aspirin as baby aspirin because it is not used for babies. Rye syndrome and all that. It is now 81mg aspirin. It frightens me that so many people come in and say that "my doctor told me I should take a baby aspirin a day." Maybe you need a better educated doctor.
"I got it here last year" "I always get it here" "You used to carry it"
Daily, I here one of those daily. I have been with the company 14 years and a lot has changed in the Christmas aisle alone. And a lot will continue to change as companies aquire other companies and new ideas move into the board room. There are people getting paid much more than me to buy crap from China for you to buy for this wonderful Christan holiday. I put it on the shelf, ring it up and put it in a bag. That is my relationship with most of what we sell. I know that it is frustrating to depend on a store for your holiday stationary, manicure sets, gallon bottle of Charlie, and be very frustrated when it is no longer available. But trends change and if an item is sold almost exclusively on clearance after the holiday, it probably won't be ordered in again. And when it comes to perfume gift sets, if you are only buying one $10 set of the cologne you wore in high school in 1967, you have to accept the fact that this is no longer a hot selling item and it is not profitable to the company to make many of it anymore. Heaven Sent just might not be available anymore. Deep breath and move on.
Oh, back to the Internet and colognes- yes, it may be available online. There are thousands of colognes that can be ordered for you but you must pay in advance because I am not going to have dozens of random bottles laying about, sorry those are the rules. And if I were to carry all these in store, well, this store would be a warehouse and you wouldn't shop here because it would be too big and overwhelming. Ordering it for you is the best I can do.
"Where are your gift cards?"
Gift cards, Visa cards, Green Dot and Phone cards. These are without a doubt the biggest pain in the ass. They are nothing but a scam attractor. A few days ago, a concerned morning news watcher wanted to know why we didn't keep our gift cards behind the counter. Thieves come in, take photos of the backs of gift cards and then wait. They are betting that someone will buy that card and not use it right away but hold it until Christmas, so between now and Christmas, the thieve is punching in those numbers hoping, hoping, hoping. It is a brilliant scheme and must work enough to make it worth doing and reporting on. I don't have the solution other than buy your gift cards from the middle of the rack, wait until Christmas Eve to buy them, give cash. Again, cashier, not my call.
Oh, but waiting to buy your cards on Christmas Eve along with the rest of America will probably cause the system to crash. Again, cashier here. I am not responsible for any of that and in no way can do anything to make the register, gift card activation center, hamsters on the wheel, run faster!
And while I am on the gift card bitch box, let me continue. There is a policy in place that is based on a federal law (the patriot money laundering act starring Harrison Ford, I think) that says you cannot buy more than $500 in any single type gift card per day. Not per cashier, not per store. YOU CANNOT BUY. Now obviously, I don't know if you are going from store to store, but I do know that you have brought me 15 $100 Visa Vanilla cards and I am going to explain to you that Federal law prohibits you from buying more than $500 and I will not sell more than $500.
The conversation will go along one of these lines.
Customer "I just bought 15 of these at your store in (pick location) last night without a problem."
Me "I am prohibited by federal law and there is nothing I will do (I say will instead of can because I am not fucking with federal law)."
Customer "Oh that is so stupid" "But we give them as Christmas presents" "I'll just go to another store""I have to pay a bill, a prince in Nigeria, the IRS is going to arrest me, I am trying to launder money" (OK they never say the last one, but somewhere, someone is thinking that.)
Me "The law is in place to try and prevent money laundering and fraud which can be used to support terrorist activities. If you always buy gift cards at Christmas, there is a corporate plan you can use (look a solution that they don't want to use).
Customer "Do I look like a terrorist?"
Me (in my head) "Well, you do look like you may have some Irish decent in you or English or your resemble Timothy McVay or did Jesus look like a terrorist or you don't, but your teenage son looks like he is looking for some adventure and may hop a boat to Syria, or have any of your relatives thrown tea in a harbor" (Out loud) "I won't knowingly break federal law."
And folks, when you have a man in your store that does not look like he belongs and he has a roll of hundreds and is wanting to buy several Green Dot cards and you have to explain federal law to him when you clearly know that he knows federal prison, you will see why I hate the whole damn department.
Oh, and to the lady that was trying to buy 15 cards at $100 a piece with a $5.95 activation fee, I understand that an employee inadvertently threw away a $100 bill one year and you had to give him another $100 and you feel that these cards are somehow safer. You said you had 35 employees. You will spend @208.25 in fees, you will have to spread your purchases out (legally) over 70 days, and the only one making any real money on this purchase in Visa in activation and use fees.
Lastly, don't be a ass to the cashier. Many cashiers are high school kids with worries of their own. While you waited until the last minute to buy your gift cards, he or she has waited until the last minute to do their paper or study for finals. They are missing the game, the dance, the night date because they need to save for college so they can take care of you in your old age (I hope they remember that you were an ass). Be patient when they aren't sure how to handle your transaction. These cashiers have policies to follow regarding your transaction especially if it involves anything requiring an ID. And yes, some cold medicines and diet pills require an ID. I get that you are fat and sick but I still can't sell it to you without an ID if you appear to be under age. Oh, and if you come storming over to me and say anything like "I buy my cigarettes here all the time and I don't have my ID and she (angry point) won't sell them to me" neither will I. Don't ever think I will bend any rule for you if you can't follow the rules that will get us fined and fired.
Again, there are laws in place that prevent you from buying too many of one kind of cold medicine because someone, somewhere (a lot of someones in a lot of somewheres) drank too much of it and got in a wreck, suffered brain damage, died and because some cannot have enough sense, the law is going to have sense for all of us. I am a cashier, I did not write the law, I did not vote on the law, I am only required to enforce the law. Just deal with it, write an angry letter, go away.
I know that in the midst of your holiday shopping you will encounter some very terrible cashiers, clerks, wait staff, managers. I will, too. A lot of them are under paid, most stores are under staffed, and a decent handful are under trained. If you get that service from me, I am going to say that you probably started it. You failed to treat me decently, you barked at the other cashier, you immediately started in on the long line, the poor selection or best of all, you didn't get off your phone. You bitched about all the questions on the pinpad (there are three questions, all in place for your protection). If you use a creit card there are less questions, if you write a check, there are more steps, if you pay in real cash, there are zero questions and zero risks of fraud. But on the other hand, if you are stressed and you smile, I will be fast and friendly. I will do all that I can to make this transaction stand out in your mind as the one that pulled you back from the edge. I will look in my box of coupons, I will suggest a better deal, I will share with you that I saw what you were after at Target or the Dollar Store or Beauty.com. I will stand in the aisle with you for 15 minutes while you share with me the story of your adult daughter, dieing of a brain tumor. I will listen while you tell me about her beautiful hair, her bright eyes and warm smile. I will cry with you because, after all, the rolls could be reversed and I hope that someone would be there for me in the hair care aisle.
You may be wished a Merry Christmas or a Happy Holidays or not wished anything but a nice day. Why take offense? I will wish you whatever I like. Personally, Happy Holidays is my favorite. Not because I don't want to offend you if you are a Jew, Muslim or Druid but because I want you to have a happy time from right now until you wrap it all up. Whatever that may be. I will wish some a Merry Christmas, I will internally wish some a finger in the eye. And if you are offended that I didn't wish you what you wanted to be wished, that on you. I try to change up what I am saying so I still sound sincere and not robotic. Lighten up, putting the Christ in Christmas should mean a little less judgement!
So there you have it. I just ask, for the good of all human kind to be a little kinder to everyone. You will still have jerks, buttheads, idiots but don't sink to their level. Be polite, be patient, be the person your dog thinks you already are. And if your dog thinks you're an asshole, you most definately are.
Happy Christmas and be well.
"The Internet said you had it."
The Internet is never wrong so we must have it. Did you actually go into the store site and did it say available in stores and when you clicked on that, did it list this store? If you answered yes to all three of these questions then I am on it. I will find this item for you. I will search other stores, I will do whatever it takes to make that right. But if you answered no to any of the questions then don't blame me. The Internet says we have a lot of things we don't. Or you may think the Internet says we have it when actually its just the store getting its logo at the top of the sponsored list. I don't know how that works. I am a cashier, though I know how to navigate the Internet at a decent rate, I am not savvy to the inner workings of it.
On the same note as the Internet said you had it - my doctor said you had it is also not a viable inventory tool. At least once a week a customer comes in using those exact words. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BABY ASPIRIN ANYMORE!!! In the past 14 years there has been a huge push to stop referring to 81mg aspirin as baby aspirin because it is not used for babies. Rye syndrome and all that. It is now 81mg aspirin. It frightens me that so many people come in and say that "my doctor told me I should take a baby aspirin a day." Maybe you need a better educated doctor.
"I got it here last year" "I always get it here" "You used to carry it"
Daily, I here one of those daily. I have been with the company 14 years and a lot has changed in the Christmas aisle alone. And a lot will continue to change as companies aquire other companies and new ideas move into the board room. There are people getting paid much more than me to buy crap from China for you to buy for this wonderful Christan holiday. I put it on the shelf, ring it up and put it in a bag. That is my relationship with most of what we sell. I know that it is frustrating to depend on a store for your holiday stationary, manicure sets, gallon bottle of Charlie, and be very frustrated when it is no longer available. But trends change and if an item is sold almost exclusively on clearance after the holiday, it probably won't be ordered in again. And when it comes to perfume gift sets, if you are only buying one $10 set of the cologne you wore in high school in 1967, you have to accept the fact that this is no longer a hot selling item and it is not profitable to the company to make many of it anymore. Heaven Sent just might not be available anymore. Deep breath and move on.
Oh, back to the Internet and colognes- yes, it may be available online. There are thousands of colognes that can be ordered for you but you must pay in advance because I am not going to have dozens of random bottles laying about, sorry those are the rules. And if I were to carry all these in store, well, this store would be a warehouse and you wouldn't shop here because it would be too big and overwhelming. Ordering it for you is the best I can do.
"Where are your gift cards?"
Gift cards, Visa cards, Green Dot and Phone cards. These are without a doubt the biggest pain in the ass. They are nothing but a scam attractor. A few days ago, a concerned morning news watcher wanted to know why we didn't keep our gift cards behind the counter. Thieves come in, take photos of the backs of gift cards and then wait. They are betting that someone will buy that card and not use it right away but hold it until Christmas, so between now and Christmas, the thieve is punching in those numbers hoping, hoping, hoping. It is a brilliant scheme and must work enough to make it worth doing and reporting on. I don't have the solution other than buy your gift cards from the middle of the rack, wait until Christmas Eve to buy them, give cash. Again, cashier, not my call.
Oh, but waiting to buy your cards on Christmas Eve along with the rest of America will probably cause the system to crash. Again, cashier here. I am not responsible for any of that and in no way can do anything to make the register, gift card activation center, hamsters on the wheel, run faster!
And while I am on the gift card bitch box, let me continue. There is a policy in place that is based on a federal law (the patriot money laundering act starring Harrison Ford, I think) that says you cannot buy more than $500 in any single type gift card per day. Not per cashier, not per store. YOU CANNOT BUY. Now obviously, I don't know if you are going from store to store, but I do know that you have brought me 15 $100 Visa Vanilla cards and I am going to explain to you that Federal law prohibits you from buying more than $500 and I will not sell more than $500.
The conversation will go along one of these lines.
Customer "I just bought 15 of these at your store in (pick location) last night without a problem."
Me "I am prohibited by federal law and there is nothing I will do (I say will instead of can because I am not fucking with federal law)."
Customer "Oh that is so stupid" "But we give them as Christmas presents" "I'll just go to another store""I have to pay a bill, a prince in Nigeria, the IRS is going to arrest me, I am trying to launder money" (OK they never say the last one, but somewhere, someone is thinking that.)
Me "The law is in place to try and prevent money laundering and fraud which can be used to support terrorist activities. If you always buy gift cards at Christmas, there is a corporate plan you can use (look a solution that they don't want to use).
Customer "Do I look like a terrorist?"
Me (in my head) "Well, you do look like you may have some Irish decent in you or English or your resemble Timothy McVay or did Jesus look like a terrorist or you don't, but your teenage son looks like he is looking for some adventure and may hop a boat to Syria, or have any of your relatives thrown tea in a harbor" (Out loud) "I won't knowingly break federal law."
And folks, when you have a man in your store that does not look like he belongs and he has a roll of hundreds and is wanting to buy several Green Dot cards and you have to explain federal law to him when you clearly know that he knows federal prison, you will see why I hate the whole damn department.
Oh, and to the lady that was trying to buy 15 cards at $100 a piece with a $5.95 activation fee, I understand that an employee inadvertently threw away a $100 bill one year and you had to give him another $100 and you feel that these cards are somehow safer. You said you had 35 employees. You will spend @208.25 in fees, you will have to spread your purchases out (legally) over 70 days, and the only one making any real money on this purchase in Visa in activation and use fees.
Lastly, don't be a ass to the cashier. Many cashiers are high school kids with worries of their own. While you waited until the last minute to buy your gift cards, he or she has waited until the last minute to do their paper or study for finals. They are missing the game, the dance, the night date because they need to save for college so they can take care of you in your old age (I hope they remember that you were an ass). Be patient when they aren't sure how to handle your transaction. These cashiers have policies to follow regarding your transaction especially if it involves anything requiring an ID. And yes, some cold medicines and diet pills require an ID. I get that you are fat and sick but I still can't sell it to you without an ID if you appear to be under age. Oh, and if you come storming over to me and say anything like "I buy my cigarettes here all the time and I don't have my ID and she (angry point) won't sell them to me" neither will I. Don't ever think I will bend any rule for you if you can't follow the rules that will get us fined and fired.
Again, there are laws in place that prevent you from buying too many of one kind of cold medicine because someone, somewhere (a lot of someones in a lot of somewheres) drank too much of it and got in a wreck, suffered brain damage, died and because some cannot have enough sense, the law is going to have sense for all of us. I am a cashier, I did not write the law, I did not vote on the law, I am only required to enforce the law. Just deal with it, write an angry letter, go away.
I know that in the midst of your holiday shopping you will encounter some very terrible cashiers, clerks, wait staff, managers. I will, too. A lot of them are under paid, most stores are under staffed, and a decent handful are under trained. If you get that service from me, I am going to say that you probably started it. You failed to treat me decently, you barked at the other cashier, you immediately started in on the long line, the poor selection or best of all, you didn't get off your phone. You bitched about all the questions on the pinpad (there are three questions, all in place for your protection). If you use a creit card there are less questions, if you write a check, there are more steps, if you pay in real cash, there are zero questions and zero risks of fraud. But on the other hand, if you are stressed and you smile, I will be fast and friendly. I will do all that I can to make this transaction stand out in your mind as the one that pulled you back from the edge. I will look in my box of coupons, I will suggest a better deal, I will share with you that I saw what you were after at Target or the Dollar Store or Beauty.com. I will stand in the aisle with you for 15 minutes while you share with me the story of your adult daughter, dieing of a brain tumor. I will listen while you tell me about her beautiful hair, her bright eyes and warm smile. I will cry with you because, after all, the rolls could be reversed and I hope that someone would be there for me in the hair care aisle.
You may be wished a Merry Christmas or a Happy Holidays or not wished anything but a nice day. Why take offense? I will wish you whatever I like. Personally, Happy Holidays is my favorite. Not because I don't want to offend you if you are a Jew, Muslim or Druid but because I want you to have a happy time from right now until you wrap it all up. Whatever that may be. I will wish some a Merry Christmas, I will internally wish some a finger in the eye. And if you are offended that I didn't wish you what you wanted to be wished, that on you. I try to change up what I am saying so I still sound sincere and not robotic. Lighten up, putting the Christ in Christmas should mean a little less judgement!
So there you have it. I just ask, for the good of all human kind to be a little kinder to everyone. You will still have jerks, buttheads, idiots but don't sink to their level. Be polite, be patient, be the person your dog thinks you already are. And if your dog thinks you're an asshole, you most definately are.
Happy Christmas and be well.
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