I'm 48, nearly 49, obviously I have changed. Everything about me from the number on my scale to even the height mark on the door has changed. Inside, outside, upside and downside, people change. Otherwise there would be a whole lot of newborns laying around without fire or the wheel etc and, well, it seems like evolution and all that requires change. So there you go.
Think of your own life, your own journey. What has changed you most? And what have been the good and bad changes that you have made? Would you trade out the bad or did they lead to better? Or did they lead to worse? At some point in life, we have to own the changes we have made or the change we have become and know that that is who we are and move on from that. I think that is finally where I am.
I am different than I was, obviously. But when was 'was'? Did I change when I moved to each new city? Yes, because each new city brought new challenges for me that I had to adapt to. Those new challenges were sometimes similar, new city, more children, Danny away with deployments and training. And then there were the changes of being in a different country, or learning how to balance my own work with deployments and growing children and having a home I was responsible for, not a lease. And in all of that, is adapting to the changes that are happening in the lives of the people around me as well. I have never been successful at that. Own it, and move forward.
I can't and won't look back anymore on the should haves and could haves of my past. I accept that each decision I made, right or wrong, is mine. I can't undo a decision, but if it were the wrong one, I can take steps to rectify it. Like the hallway paint color, horrible choice, I can paint over. Like my anger toward someone that was very close to me, nothing I can do to paint over that, I have learned to live with it and forgive myself for the grudge that I held.
Here's the other thing, we don't know what causes a person to change. We don't know what is happening in a life that makes someone become angry all the time, or unhealthy or despondent. I also know that I generally didn't ask, just made assumptions, but I am changing that behavior.
And where is all this discussion of change coming from, you may ask, well, several months ago, I got told that I had changed (and not for the better I might add!) when I moved to Des Moines. And that is fair. I have definitely changed in the past nearly 18 years. In this time, I have experienced some situations that I never dreamt I would, and for as much as the day to day of living can change a person, add in illness and death and at times, a very different and dark day to day, you bet your ass I have changed. I don't apologize for who I have become and I don't think I need to. I also don't think I need to spend any more time on justifying who I have become. As Goethe so eloquently said "If God wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise." Meaning, I am here as God's creation, not someone else's idea of what I should be. That being said, God did create me as a work in progress and I continue to progress and change.
Even today, I changed. I got outside of a fear and I ran a mile. Within that mile was some walking, some resting, some jogging but there was also running. And I wasn't running from my problems, but running towards my solutions. That is part of the continual change that is taking place within me.
This living business can be tricky. I have had to decide who do I please, who do I change for, who do I want to be. I may please no one unless they choose to be pleased by my actions, I may change for no one but myself because only I know who I choose to be.
Monday, August 6, 2018
Saturday, March 24, 2018
Not an expert on constitutional law or anything else, just a gal with some thoughts
I've kept my opinion off line for the most part because, honestly, what difference will it make? The difference my opinion will make is at the polls, where I shop, what businesses I choose to support. Gun control, the 2nd amendment, safer schools and the simple idea that some asshole with a gun will not shoot me while I shop, movie watch, pray or rock out are all very hot and emotional topics, especially today as it was March for our lives across much of America.
Most of what I say will be my own opinion which has been formed through 48 years of experience that is all my own. I will probably make up some percentages and will misquote the constitution. You are welcome to tell me how wrong or right I am in the comments and I will read them and appreciate what you have to say knowing that your opinions are based on your own unique life experiences.
Guns are not evil. They are often the preferred tool of evil. As have spears, swords, boulders, words, tylenol capsules and packages. I have a great fondness of guns, in particular WWII era rifles that my dad collected, frequently cleaned and cared for. That fondness has absolutely nothing to do with what they do, but with who I was with when I learned (I don't remember what I learned) about them. I appreciated that these weapons were often the weapons of the Allies (I watched Big Red One, I knew the score). I saw no evil in the wood stocks that were a little gouged from use, in the leather slings that were stretched from years of being slung over a soldier's shoulder, from the history of where this gun traveled from and from who it served. I don't remember a time when a gun was not something I knew about.
The first gun massacres I recall were in California outside of a McDonald's and in Texas at a Ruby's. And then I didn't hear about them again until Columbine. It feels like it hasn't stopped since Columbine. It feels like there is always an asshole with a gun and not nearly enough is there a not an asshole with a gun to stop him. And I think too often the not asshole would be outgunned. And that, my friends, makes me sick. I love a lot of not assholes with guns. I don't want them to be at the mall with a handgun concealed in their waistband when an asshole looking to create mass terror and mass destruction walks in with a weapon (this is where I may make up facts even if I try to fact check, I don't know what I'm reading) that has a magazine that holds 100 rounds. I am confident that if the asshole had to stop and change magazines, the not asshole would eliminate the threat.
I have a permit to carry. I don't carry. I have enough shit in my purse, if I needed to pull out a gun, there is a good chance I would attempt to protect myself with lip balm and a tampon. I do not have an issue with those that do carry concealed. In fact, I am very pleased to know that there are many very well trained, even keeled individuals out there that are willing and able to stop a threat. I am glad to know that the individuals that teach about gun safety and use are well educated and well versed in real life situations. I pray that these individuals will never have to be that one that stops the threat, but as we saw in Maryland just this past week, we need those sheepdogs. I do have an issue with those that choose to not conceal. I believe that those individuals often choose to show the world their weapon because they think it is cool and I believe that they create an unnecessary climate of fear in Target. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.
I know there was a lot of backlash to Dick's when they announced that they would no longer sell rifles to those under 21. I believe Walmart made the same decision but I don't recall that they received the same backlash. I believe it is harder to boycott a store that sells just about everything one needs at a reasonable price than it is to boycott a store that sells sporting goods. But the beauty of it is, if you don't like a store, company practice, you can not put your money where your mouth is. Imagine if we got this fired up about oil spills and clear cutting forests!
My problem is with the age of 21. That fucker in Las Vegas was a long way from 21. And why is 21 this arbitrary number that allows you to all of a sudden make the right decisions about firearms and alcohol (unless you are in the military and then you are trained and expected to make the right decisions with a firearm at 18 and unless you are in Europe and then you are able to make the right decisions with alcohol at 18) and I know plenty of people that are far from 21 that cannot make a correct decision regarding alcohol (me). But at the same time, people have to show ID to buy children's cough medicine because there are enough people out there that cannot make a good decision with a normal product.
School safety is another hot topic. Do we arm teachers? Why am I saying, do we? I am not arming anyone. God, I don't even arm myself. I am not keen on arming teachers based on the opinions I have read from teachers. They have expressed their opinions about already often feeling overwhelmed with what they are tasked with by the school and society and with what they have tasked themselves with, as well. Instead of training and arming teachers, I would rather see enhanced security measures, increased funding for more staff especially with at risk kids and trained security and police officers. The opinions I have read from teachers is that no amount of training could prepare them to shoot a child, perhaps a former or current student. That they just couldn't. That is not to say that there aren't some teachers that would be an asset armed, but if someone knows that they could not stop the threat, don't put them in that position with the expectation that they would.
I believe that no amount of law will stop an asshole. And I also believe that an asshole will take the easiest route to cause the desired amount of terror. It is very difficult to get a gun in Great Britain so the assholes often use a lorry or knife. The assholes of the middle east use explosives strapped to themselves, how are you going to stop that? There are assholes crashing planes and making bombs and creating synthetic heroin that makes one eat other people's faces. None of this is legal or ok or accepted by society. And generally, we try to make it harder for the next asshole. That's why I don't mind if there is a waiting period to buy any gun. I don't think it is very often that someone needs a gun right now. It isn't like its milk or bread or toilet paper. It is a gun. If you need to go hunting, check your equipment four days in advance. If you need to kill a rabid dog on your property, call the animal control. If you need to shoot someone, well, that's why there would be a waiting period. Of course, a waiting period wouldn't have stopped Las Vegas or Ft. Hood or most of the other shootings. But maybe it will stop the next one. Maybe it will stop a pissed off hothead asshole from swinging into Walmart for milk, bread and an AR-15 or any other gun and shooting someone. I don't think this is what the second amendment had in mind. Maybe it did. "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." Again, not a constitutional law expert, as so many are, but I truly don't know what that means. I take it to mean that I can have a gun and be part of a militia to protect my state and the federals can't stop me.
I wouldn't describe any of these assholes with guns as part of a well regulated Militia. If the idea of the second amendment was so that I, as an armed citizen, could defend myself against a tyrannical government, well, ok! But I am pretty sure that I could not own a powerful enough weapon to defend myself against a government's weapons. But, in the Red Dawn scenario, I would want to try. And in such a scenario, I think all three day waiting periods would become null and void because we would all be trying to kick a foreign invader's ass. Same with zombie apocalypse. A weapon to protect yourself and family and home, absolutely. Just know there will be a three day period of wait. Like Good Friday to Easter. We've been doing that for 2000 years and it's worked out okay.
Now, on to these damn kids protesting. In all of this debate, I think this is where I am most frustrated. Why in the world are people so against these peaceful protests? Yes, I know there were some really shitty things that happened at some of the walk outs on March 14th. I saw the video of the kids that tore down the United States flag. I don't think their shitty actions were representative of the majority of the kids that walked out to honor and draw attention to the seventeen victims of the shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. If my kids were still in school, I would have supported them walking out because I know they would not have desecrated a flag, that they would have been respectful of the situation and that their voice matters. Telling someone that they cannot possibly have an opinion in this is bullshit. I have seen the memes that (paraphrasing here) "So you're telling me that last week you were eating Tide pods and now you are an expert on constitutional law?" Seriously, does anyone think that these are the same kids? The average heroin addict is a white suburbanite in their early twenties. Doesn't mean it is all white suburbanites in their early twenties. Just a few, some perhaps, but not all. And why can't these kids be experts on constitutional law? Or at least as much of an expert as those people that disagree with them on facebook think they are. What I know about the constitution is what I have read on the internet (I used Constitutioncenter.org and loc.gov) what Nicholas Cage taught me in National Treasure (one not two) and what the bill sang about on Capitol Hill. These kids are far more internet savvy than I am, I am sure they know how to toggle between sites, absorb information faster and have the desire to be articulate and informed when they talk to the president or CNN. Many are voting in the midterm elections, I want them to be educated when they vote. I want them to be well informed when they go to college or get a job or serve in the military. Do we really want dissuade the activists and create a generation of adults that only eat Tide, play on their phones and let us swim in our own urine as we grow old because they have zero respect for us because we would not support their right to peaceful assembly. By the way, that's the First Amendment. Plus, I am pretty sure it was partly because of protests that I get to go to the polls in November and vote. And I won't be casting my vote based on who voted what in the gun debate, I will be voting for those that support education because I truly believe if we got our heads out of our asses and supported schools and teachers with less rhetoric and more money, a lot of all the problems would right themselves.
In 1973, using the 14th Amendment, the supreme court ruled that women had a constitutional right to legal abortion. For 45 years, people, many of them in high school, have been marching on Washington in protest of this decision. I have never seen or heard or read a meme disparaging these people. And I struggle to see the difference, these are two marches that are trying to save lives. The language on the signs are very similar. The passion in the hearts is identical. Regardless of how I feel about gun control or abortion, these young people have the right (it's the first one on the bill) to peacefully assemble.
Facebook is great for sharing our information with companies that try to sway our votes (don't get me started on that one) knowing when it is someone's birthday or to sell our direct sales company stuff, but it is probably not the best place to change what is broken in our nation and world. I feel like we have all become Monday morning quarterbacks with absolutely no respect or courtesy to any other team. We have all become Harry Wormwood in Matilda" I'm smart, you're dumb; I'm big, you're little; I'm right, you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it." But with a little civility and a pledge to only share memes that are 1. true 2. dog based or 3. are sarcastic, we could actually learn to listen and like each other again.
Most of what I say will be my own opinion which has been formed through 48 years of experience that is all my own. I will probably make up some percentages and will misquote the constitution. You are welcome to tell me how wrong or right I am in the comments and I will read them and appreciate what you have to say knowing that your opinions are based on your own unique life experiences.
Guns are not evil. They are often the preferred tool of evil. As have spears, swords, boulders, words, tylenol capsules and packages. I have a great fondness of guns, in particular WWII era rifles that my dad collected, frequently cleaned and cared for. That fondness has absolutely nothing to do with what they do, but with who I was with when I learned (I don't remember what I learned) about them. I appreciated that these weapons were often the weapons of the Allies (I watched Big Red One, I knew the score). I saw no evil in the wood stocks that were a little gouged from use, in the leather slings that were stretched from years of being slung over a soldier's shoulder, from the history of where this gun traveled from and from who it served. I don't remember a time when a gun was not something I knew about.
The first gun massacres I recall were in California outside of a McDonald's and in Texas at a Ruby's. And then I didn't hear about them again until Columbine. It feels like it hasn't stopped since Columbine. It feels like there is always an asshole with a gun and not nearly enough is there a not an asshole with a gun to stop him. And I think too often the not asshole would be outgunned. And that, my friends, makes me sick. I love a lot of not assholes with guns. I don't want them to be at the mall with a handgun concealed in their waistband when an asshole looking to create mass terror and mass destruction walks in with a weapon (this is where I may make up facts even if I try to fact check, I don't know what I'm reading) that has a magazine that holds 100 rounds. I am confident that if the asshole had to stop and change magazines, the not asshole would eliminate the threat.
I have a permit to carry. I don't carry. I have enough shit in my purse, if I needed to pull out a gun, there is a good chance I would attempt to protect myself with lip balm and a tampon. I do not have an issue with those that do carry concealed. In fact, I am very pleased to know that there are many very well trained, even keeled individuals out there that are willing and able to stop a threat. I am glad to know that the individuals that teach about gun safety and use are well educated and well versed in real life situations. I pray that these individuals will never have to be that one that stops the threat, but as we saw in Maryland just this past week, we need those sheepdogs. I do have an issue with those that choose to not conceal. I believe that those individuals often choose to show the world their weapon because they think it is cool and I believe that they create an unnecessary climate of fear in Target. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.
I know there was a lot of backlash to Dick's when they announced that they would no longer sell rifles to those under 21. I believe Walmart made the same decision but I don't recall that they received the same backlash. I believe it is harder to boycott a store that sells just about everything one needs at a reasonable price than it is to boycott a store that sells sporting goods. But the beauty of it is, if you don't like a store, company practice, you can not put your money where your mouth is. Imagine if we got this fired up about oil spills and clear cutting forests!
My problem is with the age of 21. That fucker in Las Vegas was a long way from 21. And why is 21 this arbitrary number that allows you to all of a sudden make the right decisions about firearms and alcohol (unless you are in the military and then you are trained and expected to make the right decisions with a firearm at 18 and unless you are in Europe and then you are able to make the right decisions with alcohol at 18) and I know plenty of people that are far from 21 that cannot make a correct decision regarding alcohol (me). But at the same time, people have to show ID to buy children's cough medicine because there are enough people out there that cannot make a good decision with a normal product.
School safety is another hot topic. Do we arm teachers? Why am I saying, do we? I am not arming anyone. God, I don't even arm myself. I am not keen on arming teachers based on the opinions I have read from teachers. They have expressed their opinions about already often feeling overwhelmed with what they are tasked with by the school and society and with what they have tasked themselves with, as well. Instead of training and arming teachers, I would rather see enhanced security measures, increased funding for more staff especially with at risk kids and trained security and police officers. The opinions I have read from teachers is that no amount of training could prepare them to shoot a child, perhaps a former or current student. That they just couldn't. That is not to say that there aren't some teachers that would be an asset armed, but if someone knows that they could not stop the threat, don't put them in that position with the expectation that they would.
I believe that no amount of law will stop an asshole. And I also believe that an asshole will take the easiest route to cause the desired amount of terror. It is very difficult to get a gun in Great Britain so the assholes often use a lorry or knife. The assholes of the middle east use explosives strapped to themselves, how are you going to stop that? There are assholes crashing planes and making bombs and creating synthetic heroin that makes one eat other people's faces. None of this is legal or ok or accepted by society. And generally, we try to make it harder for the next asshole. That's why I don't mind if there is a waiting period to buy any gun. I don't think it is very often that someone needs a gun right now. It isn't like its milk or bread or toilet paper. It is a gun. If you need to go hunting, check your equipment four days in advance. If you need to kill a rabid dog on your property, call the animal control. If you need to shoot someone, well, that's why there would be a waiting period. Of course, a waiting period wouldn't have stopped Las Vegas or Ft. Hood or most of the other shootings. But maybe it will stop the next one. Maybe it will stop a pissed off hothead asshole from swinging into Walmart for milk, bread and an AR-15 or any other gun and shooting someone. I don't think this is what the second amendment had in mind. Maybe it did. "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." Again, not a constitutional law expert, as so many are, but I truly don't know what that means. I take it to mean that I can have a gun and be part of a militia to protect my state and the federals can't stop me.
I wouldn't describe any of these assholes with guns as part of a well regulated Militia. If the idea of the second amendment was so that I, as an armed citizen, could defend myself against a tyrannical government, well, ok! But I am pretty sure that I could not own a powerful enough weapon to defend myself against a government's weapons. But, in the Red Dawn scenario, I would want to try. And in such a scenario, I think all three day waiting periods would become null and void because we would all be trying to kick a foreign invader's ass. Same with zombie apocalypse. A weapon to protect yourself and family and home, absolutely. Just know there will be a three day period of wait. Like Good Friday to Easter. We've been doing that for 2000 years and it's worked out okay.
Now, on to these damn kids protesting. In all of this debate, I think this is where I am most frustrated. Why in the world are people so against these peaceful protests? Yes, I know there were some really shitty things that happened at some of the walk outs on March 14th. I saw the video of the kids that tore down the United States flag. I don't think their shitty actions were representative of the majority of the kids that walked out to honor and draw attention to the seventeen victims of the shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. If my kids were still in school, I would have supported them walking out because I know they would not have desecrated a flag, that they would have been respectful of the situation and that their voice matters. Telling someone that they cannot possibly have an opinion in this is bullshit. I have seen the memes that (paraphrasing here) "So you're telling me that last week you were eating Tide pods and now you are an expert on constitutional law?" Seriously, does anyone think that these are the same kids? The average heroin addict is a white suburbanite in their early twenties. Doesn't mean it is all white suburbanites in their early twenties. Just a few, some perhaps, but not all. And why can't these kids be experts on constitutional law? Or at least as much of an expert as those people that disagree with them on facebook think they are. What I know about the constitution is what I have read on the internet (I used Constitutioncenter.org and loc.gov) what Nicholas Cage taught me in National Treasure (one not two) and what the bill sang about on Capitol Hill. These kids are far more internet savvy than I am, I am sure they know how to toggle between sites, absorb information faster and have the desire to be articulate and informed when they talk to the president or CNN. Many are voting in the midterm elections, I want them to be educated when they vote. I want them to be well informed when they go to college or get a job or serve in the military. Do we really want dissuade the activists and create a generation of adults that only eat Tide, play on their phones and let us swim in our own urine as we grow old because they have zero respect for us because we would not support their right to peaceful assembly. By the way, that's the First Amendment. Plus, I am pretty sure it was partly because of protests that I get to go to the polls in November and vote. And I won't be casting my vote based on who voted what in the gun debate, I will be voting for those that support education because I truly believe if we got our heads out of our asses and supported schools and teachers with less rhetoric and more money, a lot of all the problems would right themselves.
In 1973, using the 14th Amendment, the supreme court ruled that women had a constitutional right to legal abortion. For 45 years, people, many of them in high school, have been marching on Washington in protest of this decision. I have never seen or heard or read a meme disparaging these people. And I struggle to see the difference, these are two marches that are trying to save lives. The language on the signs are very similar. The passion in the hearts is identical. Regardless of how I feel about gun control or abortion, these young people have the right (it's the first one on the bill) to peacefully assemble.
Facebook is great for sharing our information with companies that try to sway our votes (don't get me started on that one) knowing when it is someone's birthday or to sell our direct sales company stuff, but it is probably not the best place to change what is broken in our nation and world. I feel like we have all become Monday morning quarterbacks with absolutely no respect or courtesy to any other team. We have all become Harry Wormwood in Matilda" I'm smart, you're dumb; I'm big, you're little; I'm right, you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it." But with a little civility and a pledge to only share memes that are 1. true 2. dog based or 3. are sarcastic, we could actually learn to listen and like each other again.
Wednesday, March 7, 2018
Me Too, God Damn It
Well, #METOO and I am gutted.
Sometime in the past five years I became friends with a customer that comes in once or twice a week. An older man who dresses in layers because he walks a couple of miles to work. Usually, not clean shaven. Always carrying a well worn lunch box. The first time I saw him I also saw another employee give him the most disapproving look so I did the opposite I went out of my way, literally, down a different aisle to cut him off so I could say good morning and offer a smile. Thanks to my mothers' orthodontic insistence, I have a very nice smile and he complimented me on it. That started a conversation about my reluctance and my mother's knowledge that a nice smile is important.
Fast forward the next few years and he would enquire about my family and I would enquire about his job. I kept him updated on when I would be out of the store so he wouldn't needlessly stop in (he rarely bought anything, just stopping in for a visit). I'd give him a hug, make sure he'd be warm enough on the below zero days and would have him top off his water bottle on the summer days. I knew that he lived in a home with other men. He talked about sitting on the stoop with them. He was always so friendly and I genuinely thought he enjoyed this friendship. I know that I looked forward to seeing him and worried when I didn't.
I would give him a hug and never thought anything of it. I appreciated this friendship, and thought he did as well.
The last time I gave him a hug, he decided to take it further and grabbed my ass.
And what did I do?
Absolutely nothing but end the hug. I was flabbergasted. I didn't immediately process it. I really wanted to deny it, to think it was something else, but no. I know my ass, I know when it's been grabbed. It was a blatant disregard to me, the human that made human contact. A giant fuck you to the friendship that was cultivated. I cared about him. Worried about him. Wondered about him. And now I am mad and more so, sad. I am left with the incredibly uncomfortable option to confront him, avoid him or ignore what happened.
I am left feeling like I shouldn't hurt his feelings. Which is ridiculous, fuck his feelings. Fuck that he has made me second guess what he did and has made me second guess being kind. Kind which is completely different from being nice and cordial. And I was not dressed provocatively in my khaki pants and blue polo. I was not talking suggestively when I told him how much my dog loves playing fetch, that we spoil her. I was not leading him on when I told him how beautiful my daughter's wedding was and that my husband looked dashing in his bow tie. I was not trying to get something from him with my friendship, I was not pressing my boobs against him. There was no sexual innuendo when I enquired about his health, his warmth, his well being.
Shame on him and every other man that makes a woman feel guilty for what they have done, for the line they have crossed. They should be ashamed and embarrassed and they should be the ones initiating the difficult conversation about where hands are to be and how a proper hug is given.
And I admit, I hoped that with me three week absence from work, be would think I'd quit and I could avoid the entire situation. But I owe it to every other woman that had had these feelings, has been in these and far worse situations to speak up and out.
In no way am I comparing this to the greater instances of harassment and abuse that runs rampant in the world. I have realized though, that the emotions come from the same place of hurt, denial and shame. It makes the responses that others have had more understandable and I hope, me more empathetic.
I told my manager what had happened and that I intended to confront him in the most polite way possible since I was at work. My manager really didn't have a response, and that's okay as it didn't involve work or him, and I just wanted to give him a heads up. My first day back to work, he came in and I headed to the stockroom, a failure . A day or two later, my manager told me that he was in the store, but that I should just stay in the office. He knew how upset I was and i think, afraid of a scene. I went out on the sales floor and still, couldn't confront him. Only said that I had been on vacation and that I had a terrible cold. I was pissed at myself for not being brave enough or sure enough to speak up.
He came in again today, found me in the back of the store. And I told him. I told him that I was not comfortable with the way he touched me the last time we hugged and that I would not hug him again. I said that it was very upsetting and very uncomfortable. I told him that I was still very angry and hurt. He said he was sorry. I am grateful that he didn't try to excuse it or deny it. I am glad it is over. And I am so sad that I lost this friend.
Sometime in the past five years I became friends with a customer that comes in once or twice a week. An older man who dresses in layers because he walks a couple of miles to work. Usually, not clean shaven. Always carrying a well worn lunch box. The first time I saw him I also saw another employee give him the most disapproving look so I did the opposite I went out of my way, literally, down a different aisle to cut him off so I could say good morning and offer a smile. Thanks to my mothers' orthodontic insistence, I have a very nice smile and he complimented me on it. That started a conversation about my reluctance and my mother's knowledge that a nice smile is important.
Fast forward the next few years and he would enquire about my family and I would enquire about his job. I kept him updated on when I would be out of the store so he wouldn't needlessly stop in (he rarely bought anything, just stopping in for a visit). I'd give him a hug, make sure he'd be warm enough on the below zero days and would have him top off his water bottle on the summer days. I knew that he lived in a home with other men. He talked about sitting on the stoop with them. He was always so friendly and I genuinely thought he enjoyed this friendship. I know that I looked forward to seeing him and worried when I didn't.
I would give him a hug and never thought anything of it. I appreciated this friendship, and thought he did as well.
The last time I gave him a hug, he decided to take it further and grabbed my ass.
And what did I do?
Absolutely nothing but end the hug. I was flabbergasted. I didn't immediately process it. I really wanted to deny it, to think it was something else, but no. I know my ass, I know when it's been grabbed. It was a blatant disregard to me, the human that made human contact. A giant fuck you to the friendship that was cultivated. I cared about him. Worried about him. Wondered about him. And now I am mad and more so, sad. I am left with the incredibly uncomfortable option to confront him, avoid him or ignore what happened.
I am left feeling like I shouldn't hurt his feelings. Which is ridiculous, fuck his feelings. Fuck that he has made me second guess what he did and has made me second guess being kind. Kind which is completely different from being nice and cordial. And I was not dressed provocatively in my khaki pants and blue polo. I was not talking suggestively when I told him how much my dog loves playing fetch, that we spoil her. I was not leading him on when I told him how beautiful my daughter's wedding was and that my husband looked dashing in his bow tie. I was not trying to get something from him with my friendship, I was not pressing my boobs against him. There was no sexual innuendo when I enquired about his health, his warmth, his well being.
Shame on him and every other man that makes a woman feel guilty for what they have done, for the line they have crossed. They should be ashamed and embarrassed and they should be the ones initiating the difficult conversation about where hands are to be and how a proper hug is given.
And I admit, I hoped that with me three week absence from work, be would think I'd quit and I could avoid the entire situation. But I owe it to every other woman that had had these feelings, has been in these and far worse situations to speak up and out.
In no way am I comparing this to the greater instances of harassment and abuse that runs rampant in the world. I have realized though, that the emotions come from the same place of hurt, denial and shame. It makes the responses that others have had more understandable and I hope, me more empathetic.
I told my manager what had happened and that I intended to confront him in the most polite way possible since I was at work. My manager really didn't have a response, and that's okay as it didn't involve work or him, and I just wanted to give him a heads up. My first day back to work, he came in and I headed to the stockroom, a failure . A day or two later, my manager told me that he was in the store, but that I should just stay in the office. He knew how upset I was and i think, afraid of a scene. I went out on the sales floor and still, couldn't confront him. Only said that I had been on vacation and that I had a terrible cold. I was pissed at myself for not being brave enough or sure enough to speak up.
He came in again today, found me in the back of the store. And I told him. I told him that I was not comfortable with the way he touched me the last time we hugged and that I would not hug him again. I said that it was very upsetting and very uncomfortable. I told him that I was still very angry and hurt. He said he was sorry. I am grateful that he didn't try to excuse it or deny it. I am glad it is over. And I am so sad that I lost this friend.
Monday, January 8, 2018
Me Too, Stand Up, Oprah for President
I didn't watch the Golden Globes because I didn't realize they were on until I was all situated in bed. But I did look at the dresses and I did watch Oprah's amazing speech today, several times. Awards season is special to me in a different way as this season coincides with Ashlyn's time in Iowa City. She and I spent a great deal of time reviewing the photos from the red carpet and talking about what we loved about the dresses. We made to effort to not put down anyone's choices because that isn't productive. We picked our favorites and then went about the business of getting well.
As I said, I didn't watch the Golden Globes, but knew that most would wear black as a sign of solidarity with women and men that have been sexually harassed in the workplace. I love that Oprah pointed out that these were women, because honestly that is the usual victim, in fields away from Hollywood. Women trying to feed their kids and pay their bills do not have the luxury of always speaking up. In my working life, I have seen two clear cases of harassment and neither woman spoke up because of fear of losing their job which meant losing their homes, insurance, car... you get the picture. The first case was during my first job at the hardware store. The second case, just a few years ago at my current job. I didn't really know what I was seeing the first time but the second time, I was aware and ready to help my co worker out. But she was too afraid. I wish more people could understand that fear. Ironically though, when women started coming forward in Hollywood (and I use Hollywood as an all encompassing group of movie industry people) she did not have the sympathy for them for waiting to say something. She wasn't sexually harassed, just harassed, that was her reasoning. I couldn't make sense of her reasoning, and I guess it isn't up to me to make sense of it. I had assumed that she would understand.
I am sure that I have been sexually harassed. I know I have had plenty of inappropriate things said to me when I worked in the hardware store. When I was an adult, I don't know that I even heard the remarks that grown men made. I hope that my face showed either contempt or sympathy for their incredible lack of maturity. But when I was a teen, I know that my face showed bright red when someone said something sexual about the nuts, screws, rods they were buying. My friendly little self would say "Hi, how are you?" and they'd answer "fine, and you?" I naively said "I'm fine!" and they'd say "I bet you are." What kind of man does that? Thankfully one of the Jerrys or Dwayne would be in ear shot and would quickly correct them. Because I had a defender, I learned that people couldn't talk to me like that. I got thicker skin and a quicker wit. I worked for a local business and could get away with saying snotty responses when warranted. There was no such thing as a call to corporate to complain. More than once I saw my boss show someone the door. Now, I don't know what you could possibly say to me that I would consider sexually harassing me, but sure as it, I would turn you in. Because if you have found something vulgar enough to offend me, you have no place in the work place.
I think the hashtag #metoo served a very important purpose. I don't think it was to turn women against men. I don't think it was to make every man feel like he was a horrible person or that every woman was a victim. I think it was to make everyone aware that they were not alone in this, that they needed feel embarrassed or ashamed and that sexual harassment was a real, live breathing monster that was somehow ok. And it isn't. And if this hashtag means that women can eat bananas in the office lunchroom without hearing a snide comment then Thank You hashtag because it will also mean that the Frank Hart Jr's of the world won't get to pull their shit anymore either. In fact, it may just create a work environment where there are employees not men and women.
Another argument I have heard about the me too movement is that women that have really been sexually harassed and assaulted won't be believed because women are coming out of the woodwork claiming incidents that happened ten to twenty years ago. I have to wonder why would the person's allegations of twenty years ago have any bearing on the allegations of a person's made today? Should I base the claim of one woman up against the claim of another? If I go to the police and say that I was raped, should the police pull out the file of women that claimed rape but really were not and say "well we've had women say this before and it wasn't true, so you are lying, too?" Of course not!!! We should listen to each story, the facts of it and move forward from there with each story. This is not an all or nothing kind of situation. And yes, there are women who cry rape when they are not. There are women that will claim sexual harassment when they are not harassed and there will be women who use their sex as a way to get ahead in a job. YES! YES! YES! And I don't see how that argument applies here. If you come to me and tell me your story, I will listen and I will believe you until I have evidence not to believe you. Why in the world would I do that the other way around?
And as far as women coming forward years after the incident happened, I understand that. There are some things that one just doesn't realize happened until later in life. Or they have finally come to realize that what happened wasn't their fault and that they no longer needed to feel guilt about it. Or they just didn't think people would believe them, and they were probably right.
Now let's stop blaming the victim, shall we!
Oprah Winfrey for president. It is discouraging that a joke from an awards show host could move so fast in this world to be a hashtag, many memes and sadly, many hateful facebook pages. I am not saying that Winfrey as a candidate would be a bad idea, I would be very interested in this platform. I am saying that it is a bad idea to create such fury over something that is nothing. But the idea of a self made billionaire who has successfully run many businesses and has dogs as a president...I do think that a person like Winfrey would appoint the best people. She has a long career of listening to others, asking questions of experts, admitting her failings and demanding the respect of everyone she does business with, not by her attitude but by her actions.
One more thing... I don't mind that Hollywood talks about politics. They have an opinion just like I do, just like you do. And if you were afforded that platform, wouldn't you want to have your say? I would. In what I wore, in what I said, in what I did, I would want to get my feelings out there if I thought they could create a better place. And let's be honest, we are already highly influenced by what Hollywood has to say or we wouldn't be going to the movies. I know people that have chosen to boycott an actor and I think that is great. I haven't seen another Quentin Tarantino movie since his appearance at an anti police rally. I have always loved his movies, but until I can figure out how to watch one that in no way financially supports him, I won't. But you can and we will still be friends. I appreciate that actresses are demanding equal pay for equal performances. I don't know how one measures that in a workplace that is based on what people want to see and what they are willing to pay to see. I would like to see all of Hollywood to make a little less money and see that trickle down to the box office at my local Cinemark so I could see more movies in the theater!
More than anything, people need to do the right thing. And the right thing for you doesn't have to be the right thing for me and surprise, we can still get along. I am all about the conversation, trying to see the other point of view, trying to understand why something is offensive to them, important to them or angers them. It has only made me more aware and more compassionate (yeah, I went there). I gladly look forward to the day when we can stop being so horrible to each other. I gladly claim my share of the blame. Share your thoughts. Thanks for reading my award show speech!
As I said, I didn't watch the Golden Globes, but knew that most would wear black as a sign of solidarity with women and men that have been sexually harassed in the workplace. I love that Oprah pointed out that these were women, because honestly that is the usual victim, in fields away from Hollywood. Women trying to feed their kids and pay their bills do not have the luxury of always speaking up. In my working life, I have seen two clear cases of harassment and neither woman spoke up because of fear of losing their job which meant losing their homes, insurance, car... you get the picture. The first case was during my first job at the hardware store. The second case, just a few years ago at my current job. I didn't really know what I was seeing the first time but the second time, I was aware and ready to help my co worker out. But she was too afraid. I wish more people could understand that fear. Ironically though, when women started coming forward in Hollywood (and I use Hollywood as an all encompassing group of movie industry people) she did not have the sympathy for them for waiting to say something. She wasn't sexually harassed, just harassed, that was her reasoning. I couldn't make sense of her reasoning, and I guess it isn't up to me to make sense of it. I had assumed that she would understand.
I am sure that I have been sexually harassed. I know I have had plenty of inappropriate things said to me when I worked in the hardware store. When I was an adult, I don't know that I even heard the remarks that grown men made. I hope that my face showed either contempt or sympathy for their incredible lack of maturity. But when I was a teen, I know that my face showed bright red when someone said something sexual about the nuts, screws, rods they were buying. My friendly little self would say "Hi, how are you?" and they'd answer "fine, and you?" I naively said "I'm fine!" and they'd say "I bet you are." What kind of man does that? Thankfully one of the Jerrys or Dwayne would be in ear shot and would quickly correct them. Because I had a defender, I learned that people couldn't talk to me like that. I got thicker skin and a quicker wit. I worked for a local business and could get away with saying snotty responses when warranted. There was no such thing as a call to corporate to complain. More than once I saw my boss show someone the door. Now, I don't know what you could possibly say to me that I would consider sexually harassing me, but sure as it, I would turn you in. Because if you have found something vulgar enough to offend me, you have no place in the work place.
I think the hashtag #metoo served a very important purpose. I don't think it was to turn women against men. I don't think it was to make every man feel like he was a horrible person or that every woman was a victim. I think it was to make everyone aware that they were not alone in this, that they needed feel embarrassed or ashamed and that sexual harassment was a real, live breathing monster that was somehow ok. And it isn't. And if this hashtag means that women can eat bananas in the office lunchroom without hearing a snide comment then Thank You hashtag because it will also mean that the Frank Hart Jr's of the world won't get to pull their shit anymore either. In fact, it may just create a work environment where there are employees not men and women.
Another argument I have heard about the me too movement is that women that have really been sexually harassed and assaulted won't be believed because women are coming out of the woodwork claiming incidents that happened ten to twenty years ago. I have to wonder why would the person's allegations of twenty years ago have any bearing on the allegations of a person's made today? Should I base the claim of one woman up against the claim of another? If I go to the police and say that I was raped, should the police pull out the file of women that claimed rape but really were not and say "well we've had women say this before and it wasn't true, so you are lying, too?" Of course not!!! We should listen to each story, the facts of it and move forward from there with each story. This is not an all or nothing kind of situation. And yes, there are women who cry rape when they are not. There are women that will claim sexual harassment when they are not harassed and there will be women who use their sex as a way to get ahead in a job. YES! YES! YES! And I don't see how that argument applies here. If you come to me and tell me your story, I will listen and I will believe you until I have evidence not to believe you. Why in the world would I do that the other way around?
And as far as women coming forward years after the incident happened, I understand that. There are some things that one just doesn't realize happened until later in life. Or they have finally come to realize that what happened wasn't their fault and that they no longer needed to feel guilt about it. Or they just didn't think people would believe them, and they were probably right.
Now let's stop blaming the victim, shall we!
Oprah Winfrey for president. It is discouraging that a joke from an awards show host could move so fast in this world to be a hashtag, many memes and sadly, many hateful facebook pages. I am not saying that Winfrey as a candidate would be a bad idea, I would be very interested in this platform. I am saying that it is a bad idea to create such fury over something that is nothing. But the idea of a self made billionaire who has successfully run many businesses and has dogs as a president...I do think that a person like Winfrey would appoint the best people. She has a long career of listening to others, asking questions of experts, admitting her failings and demanding the respect of everyone she does business with, not by her attitude but by her actions.
One more thing... I don't mind that Hollywood talks about politics. They have an opinion just like I do, just like you do. And if you were afforded that platform, wouldn't you want to have your say? I would. In what I wore, in what I said, in what I did, I would want to get my feelings out there if I thought they could create a better place. And let's be honest, we are already highly influenced by what Hollywood has to say or we wouldn't be going to the movies. I know people that have chosen to boycott an actor and I think that is great. I haven't seen another Quentin Tarantino movie since his appearance at an anti police rally. I have always loved his movies, but until I can figure out how to watch one that in no way financially supports him, I won't. But you can and we will still be friends. I appreciate that actresses are demanding equal pay for equal performances. I don't know how one measures that in a workplace that is based on what people want to see and what they are willing to pay to see. I would like to see all of Hollywood to make a little less money and see that trickle down to the box office at my local Cinemark so I could see more movies in the theater!
More than anything, people need to do the right thing. And the right thing for you doesn't have to be the right thing for me and surprise, we can still get along. I am all about the conversation, trying to see the other point of view, trying to understand why something is offensive to them, important to them or angers them. It has only made me more aware and more compassionate (yeah, I went there). I gladly look forward to the day when we can stop being so horrible to each other. I gladly claim my share of the blame. Share your thoughts. Thanks for reading my award show speech!
Friday, November 3, 2017
Wedding Week
Here we are, one week away from the wedding. A year in the making and honestly, twenty four years in the imagination. Hayley Rae is getting married. This little girl of mine, the one that was sometimes Snow White, sometimes the Witch and sometimes, Girl. This little girl that loved spinny dresses and holding the hand of Grandma Snow that had the pretty ring on it.
And now, she has a pretty ring of her own and a stunning spinny dress. She has her prince, her hero, her Curly.
She has asked me many times if I will cry. And I always say no. Cry that she has her happiness. Cry that she has the partner she wants for always. Cry that she was fortunate enough to have known that it was worth putting in the work and that it will always be worth it. Of course I will cry.
Her dad and I have been asked so many times if this marriage is a good thing, if we approve of the guy, if we are happy with the match. Yes, is the short answer. This marriage is a good thing. We approve of the guy. We are happy with the match. We feel very fortunate that Hayley has Brett. Brett is a good man. He will take care of her and she, him. They have learned and will continue to learn what partnership is. They will be support for each other, cheerleading and coaching and even being the irrational fan on the sidelines pulling at their hair and cursing the play. They will see each other through the shitty days and weeks and months because they know this isn't something they get to walk away from.
One week away from Hayley Rae White becoming Hayley Rae Vanderpool. One week away from our family getting officially bigger though Brett has been one of us for years. One week away from a couple hundred folks that really love these two coming together to celebrate. And still so many more that had too many miles to travel to be there. And others that will be there in the love of everyone else.
Enjoy this wedding week! Enjoy the flood of congratulations and good natured jokes. Enjoy the busyness of last minute preps, the frenzy of the set up, the short quiet moment before the I "I do".
And now, she has a pretty ring of her own and a stunning spinny dress. She has her prince, her hero, her Curly.
She has asked me many times if I will cry. And I always say no. Cry that she has her happiness. Cry that she has the partner she wants for always. Cry that she was fortunate enough to have known that it was worth putting in the work and that it will always be worth it. Of course I will cry.
Her dad and I have been asked so many times if this marriage is a good thing, if we approve of the guy, if we are happy with the match. Yes, is the short answer. This marriage is a good thing. We approve of the guy. We are happy with the match. We feel very fortunate that Hayley has Brett. Brett is a good man. He will take care of her and she, him. They have learned and will continue to learn what partnership is. They will be support for each other, cheerleading and coaching and even being the irrational fan on the sidelines pulling at their hair and cursing the play. They will see each other through the shitty days and weeks and months because they know this isn't something they get to walk away from.
One week away from Hayley Rae White becoming Hayley Rae Vanderpool. One week away from our family getting officially bigger though Brett has been one of us for years. One week away from a couple hundred folks that really love these two coming together to celebrate. And still so many more that had too many miles to travel to be there. And others that will be there in the love of everyone else.
Enjoy this wedding week! Enjoy the flood of congratulations and good natured jokes. Enjoy the busyness of last minute preps, the frenzy of the set up, the short quiet moment before the I "I do".
Monday, August 7, 2017
Hair brained Ideas
Perhaps the title to a collection of short stories based on my life Hair brained Ideas would certainly be accurate. I can't think of too many ideas that I have had that have been sound and reasonable but where's the fun in that, right!
On Monday, I announced that I had another hair brained idea. I never actually announced the previous idea so I'm going to do some self promoting here and tell you about both.
On May 7, 2016 I purchased my Aunt Jo's rug loom, fabric and supplies. With the help of my cousins Helen, Rob and Judy and the supervision of Aunt Jo, Danny and I moved this 80 year old (at least) loom from Cedar Rapids to West Des Moines. Then it sat in the garage until the basement was ready for it. Then it sat in the basement assembled but shrouded in cardboard because there were too many kitties in the house. Then the basement bedroom was vacated and in it went. It was reassembled and between the Internet and books, I figured out how to warp it. With 333 individual warps, it was incredibly time consuming to get it all together but here I am, 15 months later with 11 completed rugs and going strong!
The second hair brained idea came to me a few weeks ago after being introduced to some pretty great face products. I have been in the drugstore face product business for a few years and have read my fair share of labels. And by read, I mean mispronounce chemical and synthetically produced product names. It got very discouraging. Now, I would like to consider myself a tree hugger, but I am a lazy blade of grass hugger at best, but the idea of letting all that stuff seep into my body through my biggest organ was a little (a lot) disconcerting.
So a friend of mine posts on facebook about this One Drop Wonder. Cold pressed hedgeballs is what it is, but ask me and I will tell you that it is a magic elixir. I use it on my face, of course, but have also put it on cuts that then heal faster and my itchy spot on my inner arm went away completely overnight. I was intrigued and now folks, I am hooked. So it only seemed logical that I become a sales representative of the company that makes such a product...
So if you have been keeping track and I haven't, these are hair brained ideas numbers 847 and 848. The first hair brained idea I ever had was to marry a boot private first class at the age of twenty. Since that one turned out so well, I figure I am just going to keep at em. I hope you will join me on these two new adventures.
#847 Loomies A Jo Snow Rug Creation loomiesrugs@gmail.com
#848 Pureanne at Limelight by Alcone pureannewhite@gmail.com
Because we only go around once, we ought to find what makes us happy, what allows us to create and what gives us the outlets to make the positive changes in our world.
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| Go Maroons! |
Thursday, June 15, 2017
Congratulations Brett
Tomorrow morning, the Des Moines Police Department will graduate a new class of officers. I believe there are thirteen well trained people ready to take the oath to serve and protect the citizens of this city.
Over the past fourteen years, I have had the great honor to know many people that have taken this oath. They are now dear friends, one is family. And in November, one that takes the oath tomorrow becomes family.
For the past two years, I have watched and waited with Brett and Hayley as Brett went through what I am sure felt like endless application processes. Danny took the same path many years ago and we could sympathize with Brett and Hayley as they felt like they were spinning the wheels of their future. I especially sympathized with Hayley as she took on the same role I held as Danny applied and I cheered his progress, consoled his wounded pride when he was rejected and damned the departments that turned him down. Hayley moved across the state with Brett as he pursued his dreams. They ended up back in central Iowa where their dreams finally came to be.
Tomorrow Brett graduates from the Des Moines Police Academy and Danny and I could not be prouder of him. Having inside knowledge, we know how hard he worked and how well he did. We know that even though he may feel like "White's future son in law" Brett has made a name for himself through his hard work, his strength and most importantly, his character.
In recent years, it has sometimes felt like the public's perception of law enforcement officers was waning. The media did an excellent job of making police look like the enemy. The silent majority became silent no longer as cities found themselves in the middle of officer ambushes. Officers found themselves knee deep in flowers, donuts, pizzas, cold drinks and warm hugs. And the men and women that were filling out applications, doing sit ups, running miles, taking tests, talking to hiring boards and psychiatrists and polygraph administrators, waiting for the next call, waiting to hear back if they passed the test, made the grade had the points. Waiting to hear if precertified, former military, college graduated, female, minority all had the advantage. Some putting their lives on hold for two years to finally get the call that they, upon completion of the academy, will be Des Moines Police Officers. Brett is one of those. And if you are a citizen of Des Moines, let me tell you how fortunate you are to have another outstanding officer take to your streets.
Brett is kind and intelligent. He is not full of himself. He is not prideful. He is hard working and patient. He has put down roots in this community and is invested in its success. Brett is really nice, the kind of guy that old ladies will swoon over and young kids will want to talk to. He is the kind of man that I like knowing will respond to a call. He has the ability to talk people through a situation but also has the ability to stop a situation from escalating. He is smart enough to know that he doesn't know it all, not even close and he will, through his FTO, his fellow officers, superiors and future father in law, keep learning.
Congratulations Brett! We love you and are proud of this and all your accomplishments!
Over the past fourteen years, I have had the great honor to know many people that have taken this oath. They are now dear friends, one is family. And in November, one that takes the oath tomorrow becomes family.
For the past two years, I have watched and waited with Brett and Hayley as Brett went through what I am sure felt like endless application processes. Danny took the same path many years ago and we could sympathize with Brett and Hayley as they felt like they were spinning the wheels of their future. I especially sympathized with Hayley as she took on the same role I held as Danny applied and I cheered his progress, consoled his wounded pride when he was rejected and damned the departments that turned him down. Hayley moved across the state with Brett as he pursued his dreams. They ended up back in central Iowa where their dreams finally came to be.
Tomorrow Brett graduates from the Des Moines Police Academy and Danny and I could not be prouder of him. Having inside knowledge, we know how hard he worked and how well he did. We know that even though he may feel like "White's future son in law" Brett has made a name for himself through his hard work, his strength and most importantly, his character.
In recent years, it has sometimes felt like the public's perception of law enforcement officers was waning. The media did an excellent job of making police look like the enemy. The silent majority became silent no longer as cities found themselves in the middle of officer ambushes. Officers found themselves knee deep in flowers, donuts, pizzas, cold drinks and warm hugs. And the men and women that were filling out applications, doing sit ups, running miles, taking tests, talking to hiring boards and psychiatrists and polygraph administrators, waiting for the next call, waiting to hear back if they passed the test, made the grade had the points. Waiting to hear if precertified, former military, college graduated, female, minority all had the advantage. Some putting their lives on hold for two years to finally get the call that they, upon completion of the academy, will be Des Moines Police Officers. Brett is one of those. And if you are a citizen of Des Moines, let me tell you how fortunate you are to have another outstanding officer take to your streets.
Brett is kind and intelligent. He is not full of himself. He is not prideful. He is hard working and patient. He has put down roots in this community and is invested in its success. Brett is really nice, the kind of guy that old ladies will swoon over and young kids will want to talk to. He is the kind of man that I like knowing will respond to a call. He has the ability to talk people through a situation but also has the ability to stop a situation from escalating. He is smart enough to know that he doesn't know it all, not even close and he will, through his FTO, his fellow officers, superiors and future father in law, keep learning.
Congratulations Brett! We love you and are proud of this and all your accomplishments!
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