Aunt Eller was Right

"You got to look at all the good on one side and all the bad on the other and say 'Well, alright then.'" - Aunt Eller, Oklahoma

There is, at every moment, good and bad.  Tough and easy.  Happy and sad.  Life gets hard a lot.  But it is also easy.  All you really have to do is breathe, in and out.  Over and over. 

I have had a few days where that was about all I could do.  And I got through.  Most everybody does. 

I keep thinking about the two boys that decided that they couldn't get through.  I just cannot imagine the depth of pain or misery that they must have reached to have decided that tomorrow wasn't worth it.  

I cannot imagine.  

I just try to remember what Aunt Eller said and just know that that is the way it is.  I cannot change much of what happens around me or even to me, but I can change the way I use it.  And I can be kind.   

Hayley Rae White

On this day, nineteen years ago, Hayley Rae White was born.  She was necessarily ready to come that day but due to a couple of circumstances, came anyway.  The first circumstance was that Danny was scheduled to be in the field the first week of February.  He would be on Camp Pendleton, which was near our home, but there was severe flooding on the base and he may have been cut off from an easy route home.  Since I was in Vista with one in the tummy and Ashlyn running about, I did not want to go into labor and have Danny stuck between a mountain range and a raging river.  If I had this baby prior to him going to the field, he wouldn't have to go.  The other circumstance was a little self serving on the part of our doctor.  Sunday, January 31st was Super Bowl Sunday.  He was trying to avoid being at the hospital as much as possible that day so he kindly suggested we start the inducing process on Friday and go from there.  So we did.
So on Saturday morning, we packed Ashlyn up to go to Alice's house.  She was our neighbor, a marine wife and a new mom.  God bless her for taking Ashlyn because we really didn't have too many options.  Hayley was going to be born in a civilian hospital and I was so excited.  Tri City Medical Center was just across the interstate from our complex. 
I was induced around ten in the morning and had a very normal labor.  I couldn't find a focal point to focus on while breathing, but I did have a labor coach who was well rested and did not fall asleep during contractions or forget to "who" when I was done "hee hee hee"ing!  Not being much for pain, I got some reliever and that slowed things down some, but no worries.  At 5:12pm, Hayley was born.
A beautiful little 6 pound 15 ounce girl.  We were pretty ecstatic.  Oh, and pretty tired!  Hayley was just right.  I felt like I was going to have a girl, not because of any of the wives tales, I just had had a girl, knew what to do with girls and wanted a girl.  Ashlyn and Hayley were just over 21 months apart and they were going to be pals!
Hayley Rae White was the name we had chosen.  When we decided on Hayley we felt like Rae flowed nicely with it.  Later we learned that Rae was the middle name of Danny's sister who had died as an infant.  That worked out nicely.  We called her Hayley Rae most often and still do sometimes today.  The name Hayley is English, derived from the spelling H A L E Y.  We chose the other spelling because it rolled off the tongue better when it was spelled.  Say it aloud a couple of times and you'll see what I mean.  Now, here is the thing that is most fitting about this name, Hayley means Hero.  How about that!!!
Hayley and I stayed one night in our single room at the hospital.  It was heaven considering I shared a room with four women when Ashlyn was born.  I was so comfortable with being a mom that I didn't need to watch the baby videos that the nurse insisted on turning on for me.  She even went as far as to turn up the volume on the other bed's control.  It wasn't until I told her that I had a little girl at home that she left me alone.  There was a thunderstorm that night, a rarity in Vista.  We had a lot of rain, but this was the first thunder that I had heard in a year.  Hayley slept right through it.  She was a gentle little thing.  Sleepy and beautiful with three dimples.  Hayley looked like Ashlyn at first, but quickly grew into her own wonderful face. 
We were discharged less than twenty four hours after Hayley was born.  As was our custom, we stopped to get Wendy's on the way home from the hospital.  Danny carried Hayley up the stairs to our apartment so I could give the new big sister a hug.  Ashlyn was taken with Hayley and showered her with love and attention.  We all settled into our bigger, little family.  Danny was on leave for the next ten days.  I would have all the help I needed in him and Ashlyn.  Hayley was resting nicely in the laundry basket she called a bassinet and the Cowboys won the Superbowl. 
So here I am, nineteen years later, with a beautiful young woman with three dimples.  They are harder to see now, but when she smiles just right, they show up.  Hayley Rae White is really quite incredible.  This sweet gentle baby went through many changes.  She was an angry toddler, a princessy preschooler, a sporty middle schooler and a high schooler that came into her own after some struggles.  Hayley is now a freshman in college.  There is a light that comes from her, a joy.  No longer the blonde of her youth, but a striking brunette with bright blue eyes and an infectious smile. 
Happy Birthday Hayley Rae!  My daughter, my friend and my hero.  I love you.

Refrigerator Life

Every once in awhile, it is time to update the fridge.  Not what's inside, but what's on the outside.  The magnets and photos need to be updated from time to time.  Now is the time. 
A few years ago, I splurged and bought the magnet frames the don't fall off and break.  The kind the stick flat to the fridge.  I also have some that are edge only frames.  Those don't protect the photo, so those photos get traded out more often. 
There are a few photos that will always be there.  On one side are photos of four of my dogs as puppies.  Liesl, Barron, LRS, Harlow.  Seeing their big ears and soft puppy eyes make me smile.  Every time.
On the front of the fridge is the photo collage from my mom's wake.  It is a whole bunch of Rita through the years.  Right below her is Pope John Paul II.  He's my favorite Pope.  The newest photo up there is of the little girl that we supporting.  She lives in Peru.  Her name is Nadia and she is nine years old.   Next to Nadia is Jacob and Hayley at Hayley's graduation party.  There are some senior pictures of my nephew, brother in law and Hayley's friend.  I used to have more of my nephew, but Hayley's friend stole them.   There are a several vacation photos of Danny and I.  Those are my favorites.  Moments where we got to just be together, having fun and fruity drinks.  NO KIDS ALLOWED!
There are a few magnets, though most of the souvenir magnets moved to the basement freezer.  The WHITE family crest is up as are all the Australia magnets.  Speaking of Australia, our favorite little Auzzie, Taylor is up there!  Oh, and my sister and her husband's wedding photo from their surprise wedding.  Snoopy is there twice, because he is that nice.  I need to update my Ashlyn photo and my Jacob photo, both are pretty outdated.  Jacob has short hair in his!
The other side of the fridge is supposed to be a organized center with calender and pen cup.  It has important phone number magnets, doctor, orthodontist, Buffalo Wild Wings.  There are three concert lists, several concert stubs and my autographed picks from Air Supply.  Barron and Harlow are there.  The Boarders of the Month photo is really one of their finest. 
You can tell a lot about me by looking at my fridge.  You will see that the cats need to go to the vet.  You will see that I support WWF (think panda not wrestler) and B+ Foundation.  You will know that I am Irish, Catholic and strive every day to be a good person.  You will also see by the magnet I have had on the fridge for over ten years now that I give my troubles to God because He will be up all night anyway.

Grounded

Jacob is grounded.  He had a less than stellar grade so for one week, no phone, no tv, no peace (for me).  I really wish he wasn't grounded.  I wish his punishment was actually related to his crime and Danny would have assigned him something.  A book report or research paper or something, anything that would keep him occupied as I try to get my own work done!
When I was a junior, I spent one quarter of the school year grounded.  For one week, I was grounded to my room.  I had to strip the paint off the window sills.   After that week, I still had five more weeks of house arrest.  My mom gave me all kinds of chores to do.  I picked up every available extra hour at work.  My only freedom was a daily walk to Bever Park.  I walked that nearly every day.  That grounding was related to my getting caught drinking at a school function so any type of punishment I received was just.  
But Jacob, Jacob is not really being punished as much as I am being punished.  I think he thinks if he bugs me long enough, I will relent.
Last night he decided that he was going to straighten his hair.  Well, he had just showered so he had to get his hair dry first.  That meant he needed to be in my bathroom dinking around with the blow dryer.  After his hair was pretty dry he started to straighten it.  The straightener is in Hayley's room so that is where he ended up.  After the straightening, there was a long discussion on what kind of hairstyles made him look- good, gross, metro and douche. 
Tonight, he slept for much of the evening.  When he woke up, he was full of energy but had no way of using it.  So, he started catching cats and putting them in the big box in the living room.  Catching Sophie and Elsa was easy but catching Emmitt required finding him.  That brought him to my room.  Emmitt was hiding.  Jacob made a whole lot of ruckus trying to find him.  I was trying to do homework.  Next thing I hear is Jacob hollering for Danny to come and see the cats in the box.  There is much cat walloring, wall bumping and laughing coming up the stairs and Jacob and Danny bring the cats in a box game to me. 
Well, the problem with carrying three cats up a flight of stairs while laughing and one cat is crying desperately is that the attention of one large dog is piqued.  Harlow wanted to see what was going on in the box that was now in the room that I was trying to do my homework in.  Harlow put her giant head in the box, Emmitt jumped out, the other two stayed in the box and my homework wasn't getting done.  But Jacob was grounded.
At some point tonight, Jacob will come in with his guitar or his harmonica and will play me a bit of song.  My homework is done so I will be able to play the guess that tune game.  He and Danny will probably get into some sort of scuffle in the family room.  Cats will probably get chased again.  None of this is teaching him anything about doing better in school!
When I was grounded, it was from the stuff that was getting me grounded.  I was doing dumb stuff so to prevent me from doing more dumb stuff, I was kept at home.  Jacob is doing dumb stuff at home.  He is not studying harder.  In fact, he is preventing me from studying harder and I may get poor grades and then I will be grounded and then I can pay him back.  Oh, if he realizes how in plan may backfire I think he would actually pick up a book.

A Meeting in Heaven

Today's blog is kind of a natural progression from the past few blogs.  With this week holding Bone Marrow Transplant Day and my mom's birthday, I think sharing this story is fitting.
One night, during Ashlyn's treatment, my sister in law, Denise called for a status report.  We got to talking and she brought up this very thing.  Before she could finish her question to me, I answered "Yes."
My mom was the first person I talked to about Ashlyn.  Danny had called me at work to tell me the test results.  I didn't stay on the phone with him.  I told my boss I had to go.  He said he was sorry.  And I was gone.
As soon as my car door shut, I began the conversation with my mom.  Now my image of Mom in Heaven is pretty clear.  She is sitting in a pretty comfortable chair with my grandparents.  I don't clearly see my grandpa, but my grandma is clearly there is a very comfortable chair.  Both my mom and grandma are busy with their hands.  I always remembered my grandma as busy so this seems natural.  As soon as I started talking to my mom, all Heavenly conversation stops and Grandma and Grandpa are listening. 
The entire drive home I am in a conversation with Mom.  Her hand firmly in her mother's hand.  The other, on my heart.  I was not alone in that car.  She was telling me faith.  I had some, but would have much more of that later. 
Once I got home, my mom left me.  Like any good Martin, she needed to spread the word about Ashlyn.  Mom's Heavenly network has to be pretty impressive and I don't think she wasted any time getting the rosary beads going.  That is my picture of Grandma Martin, beads silently flowing through her fingers.  The Hail Mary's floating from her lips.  Grandpa Martin, I see him rather stoic.  Maybe he knows that Ashlyn is orny like I was, like he was.  He came back from death once, he knows she will, too. 
What I picture my mom doing next, and I think it was what Ashlyn and Denise pictured as well, is getting up and marching across Heaven to where Danny's Grandma Lucy was sitting.  Grandma Lucy had died long before Danny was ever born.  We don't know a lot about her but Ashlyn has made a connection to her.  We got to watch her dancing in home movies several years ago, and in that dancing, laughing woman, Ashlyn saw herself.  So there is my mom coming up to this lady she has never met.  There would have been a quick introduction, and then right to the heart of the matter. 
So there is the beauty that is Heaven unites two women with one thing in common, Ashlyn.  Well, two things, Ashlyn and Irish ancestry.  Together, with the rest of the Snow, Martin, White, Cleveland clans, they begin to see Ashlyn through.  Ashlyn comes from a long line of strong women.  She had to feel that presence.  In the breeze the rustles the Family Tree, she got her strength. 
So often during Ashlyn's treatment, I returned to these thoughts.  My mom, as she was right before she got sick.  Lucy, able to walk, to dance.  My Grandpa Martin, in overalls and a wide brimmed hat, having a talk with a saint or two, you know, seeing if they could pull some strings.  This network of family all pulling for this girl that most never met, but knew.  She was one of them and they were part of her. 
I had similar thoughts when Danny was in Iraq.  Both of his grandfathers were military men.  I am sure that they were helping Danny keep an eye out. 
Now, when crisis arises in my family, I know there is a untied force watching out for us.  Most of them, Fighting Irish!

Rita Cecilia Martin Snow

Today is the 76th anniversary of my mother's birth.  She was a country girl, growing up on a farm outside Fairfax, Iowa.  She was the oldest daughter of seven children.  After high school, she went to Mt. Mercy College of Nursing.  She spent her entire career as a nurse.  As long as I could remember, at St. Lukes Hospital in Cedar Rapids in the NICU.  She took care of sick babies.
In 1959, she married my dad, Bob Snow.  I will forever wonder what kind of rabbit's foot my dad carried to get the likes of my mom.  Now, my dad was a good looking guy.  But my mom was stunning.  She was of dark hair and porcelain skin.  Photos of my mom from the late fifties would have rivaled any Hollywood starlet.  And such style. 
As a child, I would hang out in her room as she would get ready.  Her dresser was a department store counter of bottles and jars.  Her jewelry box, a treasure trove of clip on earrings and saint medallions and old watches.  She used powder, a lost art these days, and had a huge pink powder puff.  When she put panty hose on, she would put on a pair of white gloves first so she wouldn't put a run in them.  I remember playing with the garters, having no idea what they were, just clipping all that I could find together to make a long garter hook rope. 
Mom had weight issues.  I don't clearly remember how heavy she was, but I remember dieting often.  When I was little, before I went to kindergarten, we would have lunch together.  I would have something like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich but my mom would have something exotic, cottage cheese on a bed of lettuce.  Sometimes she would add a pineapple slice or tomato slice.  Now I realize that this doesn't sound exotic but imagine, to a five year old, a bed of lettuce followed by a thinly sliced pineapple and then topped with a cup of cottage cheese that was formed to the cup.  So it was the magazine photo lunch! 
Times changed and  I was a shitty teen age daughter.  I missed out on so much with my mom because neither one of us understood they other.  Just when I was starting to be a civilized person again, I got married and moved away.  I missed my mom as a grandma and my mom missed me as an adult.  When I was living near her, she was getting sick.  By 2004, she no longer knew me. 
The moments I do have with her though are incredible to me.  She thought I was a good mom.  That meant and means the world to me.  She was proud of the way that Danny and I raised our family.  She would be thrilled with the way Ashlyn, Hayley and Jacob turned out.  When we moved into our house in Cedar Rapids in 1999, Mom was there to help me unpack the kitchen boxes. 
Mom died in April of 2006.  Her death was unexpected but welcomed.  The Alzheimer's had taken her from us.  She spent her life saying her prayers so that she could live in Heaven with her mom and dad.  I knew that that is where she went.  My tears were more of joy than sorrow.  I knew she had gone home and more importantly, I knew that she knew me again and could celebrate my children's lives. 
The following winter my dad had to have heart surgery.  When he was returned to his room and we could go in to see him, my mom was there.  There was no doubt about that.  The attending nurse had the same mannerisms as my mom, but it was more than that.  She was there.  It has been the only time that I really felt her presence. 
Years later when Ashlyn got sick, my mom was the first person I talked to.  I could think of no one else that would be able to take care of my little girl better than my mom.  I would watch the nurses hands and imagine my mom's hands guiding the medicine.  Every gentle touch came from her.  I considered Ashlyn very fortunate to have her very own nurse on staff twenty four hours a day.
My mom was many wonderful things.  An amazing cook and baker, I have never had a piece of apple pie better than hers.  A loyal sister and friend.  A devoted wife to a very lucky guy!  A really good mom who loved us and took care of us.  She just didn't have any tolerance for us mucking things up when she was in the kitchen.  Most of all, she was a devote Catholic that, to my knowledge, never wavered in her faith.  I think her faith was her greatest gift to me. 
Happy Birthday, Mom.  I am honored to be your daughter.  Keep an eye on us all as we go about our lives and know that you are never far from my thoughts. 
Love you,
Anne
Happy Birthday Mom!!!   I love you very much.  I know that you are having a wonderful time at Home. 
Love you always, Anne

Beauty and the Beast

Danny, Hayley, Jacob and I went to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D tonight.  I had never seen it in the theaters.  When it originally came out in the fall of 1991, Ashlyn was just seven months old.  She wasn't ready for the movies.  Danny and I were broke, we couldn't afford the movies.  So, the original release came and went without us.
The following year it came out on VHS and it was one of the first movies we ever bought Ashlyn.  I remember buying it at K Mart in Oceanside.  We had no idea what the movie was about other than seeing bits of it on the Oscars.  But her collection had to begin somewhere and this seemed to be a good place to start!
I love this movie.  I love the music, the bird feeding scene, the snowball fight, the library.  I love the grand ballroom and the beautiful yellow dress.  I love that the Beast learns to love and to be loved in return.
I love that there are so many lines from that movie that are still part of our language today.
What I had a real problem with, though, was Belle going into the West Wing.  Granted, the Beast completely overreacted when Crazy Ole Maurice came to the castle.  Seriously, the Beast could have just stayed up in the West Wing for the night and Maurice would never had to have known that there was a beast living there. 
Anyway, back to Belle and going into the West Wing.  She promised that she would not go there.  And other than her over active curiosity, there was no reason to go there.  She had an entire East wing and there was probably a grand foyer.  I bet she could have explored the servants quarters, the grounds, the tower.  But she had to go to the West wing and then to make matters worse, she had to mess with the rose.  I think the Beast was well within his rights to have a freak out.  Ok, so he wasn't well within his rights to hold her captive but she did agree...
Now, back to the movie.  So there we were, with our super cool 3D glasses on.  Bags of popcorn in hand and boxes of Bunch a Crunch in the drink holder.  There was the stained glass window and then Belle going to the book store and I was hooked.  I had not seen this movie in a long time and I had forgotten how wonderful it was.  Seeing it on the big screen was incredible.  I wanted to be their guest!  I wanted to help Crazy Ole Maurice free Belle from the castle, I wanted to warn the Beast the Gaston was on his way to kill him. 
Occasionally I would look over to Jacob and Hayley.  I couldn't see their eyes because of the glasses, but I could see their smiles.  Jacob had the same smile on his face that he uses when he looks at Harlow.  When Belle came down the stairs in her yellow ball gown, Hayley gasped.  I am quite sure that she had reenacted that moment many times in her childhood.  For a long time, Belle was her favorite princess.
I love that Disney is re releasing these movies.  We are having a great time revisiting the kids childhood.  At the same time, we are having a wonderful time loving these movies all over again on the big screen.  Lion King last fall, Beauty and the Beast now and Finding Nemo coming soon.  
Tale as old as time...

What I had to say on Bone Marrow Transplant Day

January 23rd, 2009
So here's something new, a Hayley Headline.  Hayley went into surgery at 830.  All went well, and she recovered quickly.  Possibly too quickly because after she was discharged Danny and I were taking her back to Ashlyn's room.  After we got off the elevator, Hayley thought she was going to be sick so we rushed her into the bathroom where she passed out in the wheelchair.  I do believe that that was the scariest thing ever.  So you would thing that if you were going to pass out somewhere, that the hospital would be a good choice, especially when there is a  woman in a white coat in the bathroom with you.  But, you would be wrong because we were on a floor where there were no medical personal (except woman in white coat) and woman in white coat washed her hands and quickly left without offering any help.  Anyway, we took her back down to the post op and they checked her vitals and decided that she probably was dehydrated and needed to drink a lot and take it easy. 
So here we are back in Ashlyn's room with Hayley relaxing on the couch.  She is starting to feel the effects of the surgery.  She will be sore for a few days.
And as I write this, the marrow had arrived.  So there will be an Ashlyn Alert coming soon.

Thanks for all these prayers,
Anne
Attitude is Everything

Cue the dramatic music...
Ashlyn has Hayley's marrow.
Turn off said music... And now we wait for about two weeks to see if Hayley's marrow has taken over and conquered Ashlyn's marrow. 
It is a pretty simple procedure.  Steve (the PA) brings in a bag full of the marrow and hooks it up to the IV.  Then we all watch it flow down the tube and into Ashlyn.  Ashlyn was given liquid benedryl so she was well on her way to Napville.  She crawled into bed, Hayley was already on the couch, Jacob was in the recliner watching TV and Danny, my sisters and I ate cookie cake.  There it is.
So I sit here in this room with a sleeping Hayley to my right and a sleeping Ashlyn to my left.  Across the room is my very best friend in the whole wide world.  Jacob is in Cedar Rapids with my sisters, the dogs are safely at the kennel and the cats don't have anyone telling them to get off the heat register at home.  It seems to me that all is right with my world.  I don't know that I could feel any more Blessed than I do at this moment knowing you have all thought of and prayed for my girls today.
Thank you will never seem like a big enough word but it is the best that I have in the very quiet moment.
Wishing you all a wonderful weekend,
Anne
Just Jacob - so he doesn't feel left out!
Jacob did not donate marrow, pass out, accept marrow or take a nap.  He ate donuts and cheetos and apple juice and chocolate milk and McDonalds, Burger King and Happy Chef.  He forgot his Save Ashlyn shirt at home but brought two other grey ones.  He got a marker and improvised.  Jacob goofed off on Face Book, Addicting Games and email.  Jacob tried to stay out of the way, blend in with the background, scrounge treats from his aunts and go back to Cedar Rapids.  Jacob did not make fun of Hayley for passing out because he is not a complete idiot.
Jacob gave his mom and dad a great big hug and went to Cedar Rapids to play.
Anne

What Tomorrow Is

Tomorrow, January 23, 2012 is the third anniversary of Ashlyn's bone marrow transplant.  Sometimes it seems like a life time ago and sometimes it seems like moments ago.  Just recently, I printed off all the emails I had sent and received during the cancer treatment.  I still haven't done much with the photos or notes on Facebook.  It all still overwhelms me more than I can say.
Tomorrow is the anniversary.   The anniversary of such a simple procedure that began back in September of '08.  A car ride with Hayley.  I don't even know where we were going.  It was the weekend after Ashlyn was diagnosed.  We hadn't even met with Ashlyn's team of doctors.  I hadn't looked anything up on the Internet.  I only knew that a bone marrow transplant might be a thing we could do.  Hayley had asked me about treatment for Ashlyn.  And I mentioned the possibility of a transplant.  Without skipping a beat, Hayley said "and that's where I come in."  She doesn't remember the conversation at all.  I can still clearly hear her voice, the cockiness in there.  Like it was a given.  And it was.
Hayley had to live carefully for those next four months.  No crazy physical antics.  Had to stay healthy.  Try that in the middle of a normal Iowa winter while working and going to school.  Add onto that, some serious friend troubles, maintaining school work and knowing that her marrow was Ashlyn's best chance.  I will forever be in awe of this young lady. 
Then there was Jacob.  Science found him to be the opposite of the match.  But that's ok.  The Good Lord had other things in mind for him.  Jacob was the calm.  He was the hug when I needed it.  He was the easy going, pizza roll eating kid that just wanted everything to be alright.  He was this way when Danny was in Iraq as well.  Somehow, somewhere inside this son of mine was the presence of mind to just be present.  He, both times, could have taken advantage of the situation and been a little beast.  I don't think it ever occurred to him.  He knew where he was needed.  He knew his momma needed him.  I will forever be thankful for this son of mine. 
And Danny.  I cannot imagine having a better partner in my life.  It does not matter what is handed to me because my other hand is firmly in his and I know that.  So when we were given another moment of adversity, I knew that we would get through this one, as well, together.  Danny missed a lot while the kids were growing.  The military can do that to a guy.  So here was a gift for him.  He, because of the excellent benefits at his place of employment and the tremendous generosity of his coworkers, was able to take six months off with pay.  Danny became the primary clinic parent.  He spent most of the nights in the hospital.  He was the shot giver and the port hook it upper.  And though the circumstances were awful, Danny got to spend some amazing quality time with all his children.  I will forever be in love with this man that picked me for forever.
Of course, this blog cannot be without Ashlyn.  There was such tremendous strength and courage in this girl.  I can say, without a doubt, that all I ever learned about Faith was from my mother and my daughter.  Inside, she may have waivered, but to me and to those around her, Ashlyn showed a humor and poise that was humbling to watch.  I cannot imagine any of what she faced.  I cannot imagine facing it with the grace in which she did.  Even after three years, I am at a loss for words and overcome with emotion.  I will forever be amazed by this tremendous young woman.
So it took four months from diagnosis to transplant and then another five months to finally wrap up everything and have the final surgery to remove the port.  We were the more fortunate ones.  We had a support system that was world wide.  Danny and I had employers that knew where we needed to be and made it easy for us to be with our family.  We lived near top notch medical facilities and had excellent insurance that allowed us to have Ashlyn treated aggressively and without concern of bills.   I will forever be grateful.
Tomorrow, we will not all be together.  Ashlyn is in London, studying and stuff.  The rest of us will celebrate.  January 23rd is like Christmas and birthdays and every other great day all rolled into one. 

Conversations with Jacob

I love the nights when Jacob is chatty.  I don't remember ever talking to my parents as much as he talks with Danny and I.  Tonight the conversation was about music, as it often is, my lost dreams and his group of friends.
Music discussions are usually 80s music discussions.  This boy knows what he likes, and he is strongly opinionated.  I like to listen to him defend his choices.  We were watching the top 100 Artists tonight and he had comments on many of the performers.  Jacob's comments were intelligent and thought provoking. 
Somehow, the conversation then went to how so many kids say they hate their parents or their life.  He said that he had two times in his life where he almost lost two different family members and it took him a year to get them back.  He doesn't have bad days.  WOW!  That was pretty cool to hear.  I know that he has perspective.  I know that he is not completely self absorbed.  Jacob sees a world greater than his own. 
And Jacob doesn't hate me.  He probably doesn't hate his father either. 
Then he asked me if I had dreams in my life that never came true.  Yikes, that is pretty deep for a Friday night.  But, yes, I had had dreams that never came true.  He asked me about them.  And then he listened to my response.  And then he told me it was not too late to fullfill my dreams.  (But in fact, it is too late for me to take up living in the single life in Chicago smoking cigarettes and writing the next great American novel.)  I told Jacob that I am actually fullfilling dreams that I never knew I had. 
Spending a few hours on a Friday night talking with my sixteen year old son about music, friends and hopes for the future, that is a dream come true.

Harlow in a Blanket

I am here in the dining room.  This room is a little chilly and I have myself wrapped up in a blanket.  Somehow, the blanket keeps getting less on me and more on the floor.  First it was Sophie who was trying to make a cocoon in the blanket.  Then it was Emmitt.  He was the smart one.  He got under the blanket while the heat was on.  He had himself a nice little sweat tent thing going on.  Until Harlow came in.  Harlow, as we all know, is not the daintiest of girls.  She knocked into chairs, almost unplugged the computer and ruined Emmitt's tent.  It wasn't on purpose though.  More than anything, Harlow wanted to get into the tent with Emmitt.  Emmitt, more than anything, wanted to get as far from Harlow as possible.  So that's where we are now.
Emmitt has escaped to the arm of the green couch.  He stopped on the dining room bed first, but got an unwelcoming welcome from the black cat and brown cat.  So he moved on.  He is now doing his best Art Institute of Chicago lion impression.  Not a bad impression, he even has both paws out in front, kind of regal like!
Harlow has got the blanket all to herself now.  It is completely off of me and my feet are freezing!  She likes to play Elliot.  You know, the big green and pink dragon from the Disney classic, Pete's Dragon.  Anyway, she likes to get herself under the blanket then walk around a bit causing a ruckus.  Or maybe she is playing horse race and is the horse with blanket before the race.  I don't really know what she is doing, but her ass-end is ready to take out all the photos on the little hutch.  And my feet are still freezing.
Here's the thing, in a few years, if I am lucky, I won't have this giant playing Elliot or horse race or anything else.  She is six now.  There have already been some health issues and we have already had the discussion about how far we would take her medical care.  I know that there is maybe two good years left with her.  I am finding myself mourning her already.  I love the big dog.  I love the space they take up in a room.  I love the way their bark fills the cul-de-sac.  I love the fear in the eyes of those who don't know her. 
What in the world will I do with a terrier?  Oh, they are cute enough.  I like the scruffy ones, the ones that look like they were kicked out of a pub.  Harlow has a little dog friend that comes over on occasion, she is 1/32nd Harlow's size.  It is a treat to watch them play.  Harlow lays on her rug and Meeka prances and dances around.  Only time there is an issue is when Meeka high five's Harlow and Harlow wants to high five her back.
She is done now.  Harlow has managed to back herself out of the blanket.  She has successfully turned herself around on the blanket four times and is now laying down on the swirled up heap of what was once keeping my feet warm.  She has gotten herself as small as possible and still takes up four square feet of space. 
Harlow in a blanket?  I think I will!!!

It did not even occur to me that today is the 21st anniversary of the start of  Operation Desert Storm.  A friend of mine pointed that out today on Facebook.  I didn't think that I would forget this date, as it was such a pivotal moment in my first year as a wife.  But, like so many pivotal moments, it turned out to be just another moment in a long string of moments.  This was very significant at the time, but when I look back on it now, we were just warming up!
I have told this story before.  I was in Oceanside.  I was over five months pregnant.  I had two very sickly little kitties.  And the three of us, four if you count the Ashlyn in my tummy, were completely unprepared for how it was going to feel when the war actually started.  The news was on all the time at my house.  I was so terribly afraid of missing Danny on TV again that I watched every newscast.  Seeing the video of war and knowing that my husband is in it somehow is really quite surreal. 
Twenty one years ago.  Is that even possible?  Well, I suppose it must be since I have a nearly twenty one year old Ashlyn.  Is it possible to think that at that time, I thought this was the hardest thing I would have to face.  What did I know?  At that point in my life, and I was twenty one at that time, it was the hardest thing I had to face.  Oh, the military prepared me well for much of what life has brought me.
Wow, that's half a life ago. 

A Letter to my Girls

Dear Ashlyn and Hayley,
Please learn from a few of my mistakes.  They are not worth repeating, so just take my advice on these and go forth and make your own, different mistakes.
I am not going to give you advice on money.  You both seem to have a handle on that.  Though you have approached college loans differently, I think you are both doing what is right for you. 
I am not going to give you advice on love, either.  If you did not learn by the example that your daddy and I set for you then so be it.  If you find a man that treats you the way your dad treats me, you will be fine.
I am not going to give you advice on friends.  I love your friends almost as much (ok, as much!!!) as I love you.
What I am going to preach to you now is what was preached to me years ago and obviously, I didn't listen.
Take care of yourself.  I have been in really good shape about three times in my life.  The first time was when I was in high school and was grounded for six weeks.  The only place I could go after school other than work was on a walk.  So I walked to Bever Park every day that I could.  I had amazing legs.  But, I also was smoking at the time, so there's that. 
The second time I got in great shape was when we lived in Vista and Denise Austin work outs were on every morning.  Ashlyn, you were little and Hayley, you were not yet.  Daddy was gone for a month and I worked out.  I was almost at a healthy weight and was in good shape.  Then I got pregnant with you Hayley and got to that healthy weight, just didn't keep exercising.
The last time I was in great shape and was eating well was when Daddy and I were doing FXB.  You saw the difference in me.  I had energy, my clothes fit and I was not bitching about my fat. 
Don't wait until you have to do something about your health.  Do something now and just keep doing it.  I don't mean going to some sort of extreme, just make the good choices now.  Don't rely on gimmicks or unhealthy options.  Be healthy now and just make it part of your life! 
The other thing I want to preach to you about is your skincare.  Please wear sunscreen, don't sleep with make up on, buy quality products and use them.  Wear sunglasses, don't squint and never, ever smoke.  You were given some incredible genes.  Make them proud.  If you start a love affair with your skin now, you will thank me and your good Irish genes for the rest of your life.  It is so much easier to prevent the wrinkles and age spots now then have to try and reduce them later. 
Lastly, as my mother said, "the most important thing a girl should wear is a nice smile".  Take great care of your teeth.   Visit the dentist, brush, floss, change your toothbrush often, wear your retainer nightly.  I know it sounds superficial, but people do judge you by your smile.  So, take care of those chompers and smile often.
There, I have said all that I have to say.  All my pearls of wisdom are distributed to you.  Well, not all, not even close.  I am so wise that I will be spouting pearls for years.  But when it comes to your fitness and skin, this is it.  Take care of you.  Be good to you.  Love you,
Mom

So after I wrote about being a kitty for a day, Jacob wanted to know what I would do if I could be Jacob for one day.  First of all, I don't want to be Jacob ever.  There is never going to be some crazy fortune cookie mix up where we trade lives.  Though we both work at Walgreens so we could fake that part pretty well.  But I would never ever want to be Jacob for a day.  I don't really even want to know what Jacob does for a day but if I must, well...
If I were Jacob on a week day, then I would get up for school with time to spare.  But I would leave every light on that I could.  That includes the light in the dryer.  I would not eat breakfast even though someone lovingly bought granola bars for me.  I would spend a great deal of time deciding which 80s band tee I wanted to wear that day.  I would probably take an extra minute to marvel at the collection that I have amassed.  I think it is 28 different tees now.
Don't ask me how my school day would go.  Other than ducking around every overhead projector, I don't really know what I would do.  German class would be tricky.  But I think I could muddle my way through the rest of the classes.  I would say a lot of inappropriate things to my friends.  I would get written on, a lot.  I would hug people in the hall.
When I got home from school I would not do my homeowrk.  I have a million study halls and I get it all done there.  Seriously, that is my story. If I didn't have to work, I would give rides home to my friends.  They would give me gas money, but it would all be in change.  I might stop at the mall to hang out or go to Wal Mart to hang out.  I would stop at Kum and Go to buy Chuggs milkshake milk.
If I worked then I would grab any blue polo hanging up in the basement.  It might be a woman's but I really wouldn't care.  I would arrive to work just in the nick of time.  I would say a few funny things to the ladies I work with.  Never mind that they are all old enough to be my grandmothers, I am generous with a compliment!  I would spend most of my evening at the front cash register.  I am witty and the customers love me.  Except for the grouchy people, they don't like me because I can turn my wittiness into undercover sacrasm.  I consider it a gift.  I know just how to say something semi-nice to make them pissed off.  Oh, such a gift. 
After work, I will go through Hardees or McDonalds drive thru.  I know that I have money to burn and I must burn it.  Forget that my front windsheild is cracked and car insurance is coming soon.  I will worry about those things later. 
When I get home from work, I will settle in front of the tv for a bit and enjoy my fast food.  Depending on the time, I might try to kill a few zombies, but I will probably just watch the King of the Hill, Family Guy American Dad line up before I head to bed.  Before I actually go to bed, I will play on my guitar a little.  Then I will come up stairs to play on Dad's guitar.  I will make mom guess what song I am playing and she won't be able to guess.  I know that I am playing the song correctly and she just really sucks at this game (I do really suck at that game).  If Hayley is home, I will bug her for a few minutes, then she will kick me out of her room.  I will then bug Emmitt until he runs away.  Mom will yell at me for bugging Emmitt and then I will finally conceed and go to my room. 
There, that is how I would spend a day as Jacob.  I would avoid doing any of the following though:  I would not take pictures of everyday products with the words nuts, balls or tit in the name.  For example, I would not zoom in on the TIT of TITLEIST GOLF BALLS, or try to capture the NICE and NUTS on the package of NICE brand peanuts at Walgreens.  I would not fold a pack of JUMBO cotton BALLS to say JUMBO BALLS.  I would not scour the produce section for fruits and vegetables that looked like penises.  I owuld not photograph the pork loin that looked exactly like a twig and berries.  I would then not send that photo to all of my friends, including my father who would probably send it to his friends.  I would not spend a hour or two going through YOUTUBE videos looking for terrible singers or people being hit in the nuts.  I would not settle into a night of watching Tosh.O or some other make fun of the idiots out there show.  (Ok, I might do that). 

Three things in human life are important.

Today was one of those days where feeling sorry for myself was the norm.  Nothing bad had happened.  I just decided to put on my self pity wrap and stay in it all day.  Then at break I was rummaging through my wallet and found a quote I carry to remind myself to be kind.  Being kind isn't one of my strong points.  So I changed my Facebook status to reflect my attempt at kindness and went about the rest of my day.
Later in the afternoon, a woman came in that is known to steal.  She usually loads her cart with ads and stuffs what she wants free under the ads.  When she is done shopping, she pushes her cart out the door and loads her car with purchases and freebees alike.  Well, forgetting that I was to be kind, I followed her out the door.  She did not have any ads in the cart, but did have a pretty large purse sitting in the kid seat.  Putting stuff under her purse is another on of her tactics. 
I followed her out to bring the cart back in and to be sure that she didn't have anything in her cart.  I told her that due to the weather, we didn't want to leave the carts out.  She thanked me for taking it in for her and then told me that she had recently had knee surgery and walking on the snowy sidewalks frightened her.  So remember that scene in How the Grinch Stole Christmas where his heart grew two sizes that day?  That was me.  I offered her my arm and helped her get to her car safely. My motive was not pure, but from somewhere I heard the message- The first is to be kind.
 I don't know why this woman steals.  It is never anything she needs.  There was an As Seen On TV steamer, two big bags of Skittles, two Christmas cards over three separate occasions.  When she comes in, we act like the freakin gestapo trying to bust her. And for what?  Is what she doing wrong?  Sure it is.  There is no way to justify stealing from a store.  Especially Skittles and Christmas cards.  But what I am doing is wrong as well.  I have no room to judge her.    The second is to be kind.

I knew that I would blog about this, it was eating at me all afternoon.  But when I got home and logged on to Facebook, I was struck by two other items. 

The first was a photograph of a little guy named Eli Horn.  Eli in currently in a hospital in New York fighting for his life.  He had a bone marrow transplant recently and is now suffering from some serious complications.  It was almost three years ago that Ashlyn was in a hospital in Iowa City fighting a very similar fight. 
After I said the prayer for Eli that was said for Ashlyn so often I went to my home page. 
Grace Chance, a fourteen year old from Urbandale, died today from brain cancer.  I did not know her or her story.  Only yesterday I saw a car in the parking lot with window paint in honor of Grace.  I said that same prayer yesterday.

These three events have reminded me that there is a whole lot going on in this world that is much harder than whatever it is I am facing.  So I come to this, probably the most important thing I will learn all day.   And the third is to be kind. 

For One Day

For one day I would like to be one of our cats.  I would like it to be on a day when Jacob is not home because he is not always pleasant to the cats.   He is not down right mean, just cantankerous.  Particularly to Emmitt who has a tendency to yell about nothing all the time.  If Jacob were home, then I would want to be Elsa for the day.  If Jacob were not home, then I would want to be Sophie for the day.  I don't think I would ever want to be Emmitt for the day because he is really high strung and doesn't relax as much as I am planning on relaxing on my one day as a kittie.
So here is how my day is gonna go when I am Sophie for the day.  I will wake in the morning whenever who I am sleeping with wakes up, but I won't get up.  In fact I will move little for the next hour or so.  I may go from my warm spot above the covers to the extra warm spot under the covers.  Elsa will probably beat me to it and even though she is afraid of me, I won't want to start something that early in the day.  After my morning nap, I will go eat something and then drink out of the dog water dish.  The basement water is not to my liking.  If it is before 9AM,  the heat register will kick on one more time and I will sit on that until it quits for much of the day.  I will will all the heat to be absorbed into my little body.  I will then do one of two things, find a sun spot or find another warm spot to sleep away the day. 
On the way to where ever I am going to rest, I will throw up.  I will try to throw up on a blanket or carpet.  I realize that I will have to go out of my way to throw up on the carpet unless I am heading upstairs.  But what's the fun of gagging for half an hour if I can't spew half eaten cat food on the comfy throw on the couch or leave orange and brown vomit on gray carpeting. 
I will probably sleep the day away in the basement.   I am not allowed in Jacob's room so I will settle in on the little couch.  Elsa will join me there and Emmitt will lay on the edge of the couch until I look at him sideways then he will go lay on the floor.  I know he outweighs me by eight pounds, but I rule this roost. 
The basement is the warmest place in the house during the day, unless Danny is sleeping and then I try my hardest to get in his room.  But he is pretty quick at throwing me (and I mean that literally) out when I start gagging. 
When I am a kitty for the day, I will plan it for a day when there are lots of people home in the evening.  That way I am guaranteed many laps to lay in.  It would be especially nice if we had company so I could get extra attention from people that didn't know I was such a needy little cat.  Oh, I can see it now, warm lap to warm lap to warm lap.  I would curl up just like a baby.  Yeah, that would be alright. 
If I chose to be Elsa for a day, I would probably find a blanket to burrow into and stay there the entire day.  I would get to be bitchy and grouchy and would not have to be polite to anyone.  I would also get to sit in a darkened doorway and blink a lot.  No one would be able to see me until the light caught my eyes just so.  Jacob would come to my defenses whenever I was laying where Sophie wanted to lay and she was   going to kick me out.  I would also get my fill of Wild West Treats from Danny because he spoils me.
That would be an alright day.  Being any one of the cats, finding a sun spot, sleeping the day away!  Yeah, I could probably handle that for one day, or until I had to pee in a sand filled box in front of God and the washing machine!

Going Green

I want to be environmental and ecological and responsible.  But it is hard.  And often more expensive!  And sometimes, no fun at all.  I recently read an article about a family that threw away just about nothing because they were ubber unwasteful!  The mom took mason jars to the deli so she didn't get the meat wrapped.  The kids got experiences for their birthdays instead of stuff.  They recycled and reused and composted.  It was very interesting and I was jealous.  But I am more lazy than jealous so I can promise you that I will not be taking mason jars to the deli so I can carry home my sliced ham in them instead of the shiny white paper that I have grown accustom to!
Here is what I do to be green.  Granted, some days I am the really light green that almost looks yellow.  Yellow-green is what Crayola calls it.  But other days, I am a pretty vibrant green like the Sinful nail polish color Irish Green.  I don't think I will ever make it to kelly green or forest green.  But I will strive for that. 
Anyway, I have switched as much as I can to email so I don't get paper bills.  But I still get magazines because I don't want to take my e reader in the tub or to the pool or to work.  So those two kind of cancel each other out.  But I do pass my magazines on to others so they are read more than once. 
I use energy efficient light bulbs in about three fourths of the fixtures in my house.  I have yet to find a good outside one that is bright right off the bat and can withstand the cold weather.  My current energy efficient bulbs that are on the garage take twenty minutes to get bright and I am not exaggerating.  Harlow can go outside, dink around, go pee, dink around so more, go to the fence and bark at nothing, search the yard for a good place to poop, decide that that isn't a good place to poop, dink around behind the deck, roll around in the dry leaves, poop, run to the fence, perk her ears up at some sound, look at me for explanation of sound, dink around in the leaves by the garage, sit on the back door stoop and be let in.  Just as I am about to flip off the garage lights, they shine at their brightest.
I wash most everything in cold/cold but I don't air dry much of anything.  I wouldn't mind a clothes line, but someone in the house doesn't like stiff, scratchy line dried clothes.  I use a dishwasher and run it when it is full but I don't use the dry cycle. 
I don't buy water bottles but do get five gallon bottles filled at Hy Vee.  And say whatever you want about that, but I can taste a difference.  We did try a filter on the tap and a pitcher with a filter, but neither of these worked out for us.  The tap filter didn't fit the faucet and the pitcher never got used. 
Danny and I bought fuel efficient cars.  That is our biggest green thing at the moment, but any good that we have done will be offset by the plane trip we take this April.  So much for lowering that carbon footprint.
Many of the greens steps we have taken are green in two ways, environmentally and economically.  We have installed better windows and doors.   We put in a heat blanket in the attic and we have a high efficiency washer.  The blanket has done such a good job for us that our heating bill is lower now with the blanket AND running the hot tub than it was before the blanket and the hot tub.
I search online for more tips but so much of what I find just isn't feasible.  We can't have a goat mow the yard.  I will not bike or rollerblade to work.  The city will not allow me to erect a windmill in the yard.  But I could plant more local plants in the yard.  I could have one day a week that I don't drive the car.  I could even email companies to encourage them to reduce their packaging. 
You know though, Kermit is right, it isn't easy being green.  It takes thought and effort.  It takes being diligent about turning off everything and even never plugging some stuff in in the first place.  It means looking at what I am buying and if I need to buy it in the first place.  It means shopping local, living local.  It means trying to think of a larger picture than the one I am starring in.  Greater good and all that feel good mumbo jumbo.  But as Kermit said,
I am green and it'll do fine
It's beautiful!
And I think it's what I want to be!

Gone Surfing

It was about two years ago when we took our trip Make a Wish Trip to Australia.  There were a lot of really amazing parts, bridge climbing, koala bear petting, Outback Resturant dining and surfing.  I wanted nothing to do with this particular part of the wish.  Now, before you start in on me about how it was Ashlyn's wish and she survived cancer and Hayley donated life saving marrow and Jacob was half my age and he wasn't chicken blah, blah, blah.  I am terrified of water that is deeper, darker and bigger than me.  In other words, I like swimming pools, shallow streams, the very edge of the Pacific Ocean. 
Anyway, back to this part of the wish.  Ashlyn wanted to go surfing.  Danny, Hayley and Jacob were all pretty stoked about it.  See, I am not against surfing, I know the lingo.  I just know that I did not want to go that far into the ocean.  I cannot swim.  I have no upper body strength.  I have an unnatural fear of sharks and pirates.  (The pirate fear is why I won't go on a cruise!).  But there I was, knee deep in the Pacific Ocean.  I was in my super cool wetsuit.  I had my board.  I had a real life Australian Surfer Guy to show me how to surf.  He had the zinc oxide and the surfer terms and everything!  (He also had a huge tolerance for Dumbasses from America!)
There are a lot of steps to surfing.  I don't remember what they all were because I never mastered any of them.  I know that I started out on the board and ended in the water.  Over and over again.  Danny and the kids managed to get their feet out from under them and rode a wave or two into the beach, but not me.  And that was perfectly OK.  I had no intention of leaving New South Wales a proficient surfer.  Considering I came to New South Wales with no intention of even trying surfing, I think wiping out a couple of dozen times was pretty cool.
After the lesson was over, the boards were put away, the wet suits returned and the certificates signed (yes, I am a certified surfer, not really but I do have a certificate from a surfing place in Bondi Beach and that is good enough for me) I began the tedious task of telling Danny, Ashlyn, Hayley and Jacob that they were right.  Surfing, or my version of it, is fun and not that scary.  The chances of me being eaten by a shark were none.  I didn't even have to go out into the deep, I could touch the whole time.  So in a nutshell, they were all right and I was all wrong.  Who knew?
Now, this rationale will not get me to jump out of a plane or bungee jump or run with the bulls.  But it will get me to think twice before I completely poo-poo something.  Oh, I will probably poo poo it, because that is my M.O. but I will relent and do whatever it is they want me to do and I will end up loving it.  And I will end up telling them that they were right and I was wrong.  
So the next time you see me with sheepish grin, head hanging down, scuffing feet along the pavement, you'll know that I just had a great time doing something I was adament that I would hate!

All's Well that End's Well

It was one of those weeks.  Last week, I am glad it is over.  Nothing really bad came of any of it, but there were moments when it felt like it was going to be bad. 
Ashlyn left for London.  That wasn't particularly stressful except for the fact that she had a doctor's appointment on the day before and had had this lingering cough and they wanted to do a CATscan and...So my mind is racing with what if's and then what's.  Ashlyn informed me that she was going to London regardless of test results so it really didn't matter, and there were doctors in London if something had to be treated.
Turned out that all was well and good.  Ashlyn had a little scar tissue on her lung.  That will take care of itself, cough was diminishing.  Trip went ahead as scheduled.
Ashlyn flew out on Wednesday from Chicago.  Danny drove her to the airport after very little sleep the night before.  He had to pull some extra hours with the Occupiers and Caucus nonsense.  So I was concerned with the driving and the being tired and such. 
Danny got Ashlyn to the airport in plenty of time.  He stopped outside of Chicago and got a hotel room.  He got plenty of sleep and arrived home in tip top condition.
Hayley had to leave her futon at UNI before winter break.  She was able to get all of her stuff home but that.  Her roommate was bringing up her own futon so Hayley needed to get hers out ASAP.  But there wasn't a time that was working.  Also, the day Ashlyn headed to London, Hayley started to transform her room into her very own room.  Now I had intended to have all of my stuff out of there before she moved home, but that didn't quite happen so Hayley had to deal with getting my stuff out and her stuff situated.  
Hayley's roommate's parents brought the futon to our house after they dropped off the new futon at UNI.  All of the extra stuff in Hayley's room slid nicely into my room with little effort.  Hayley now has her own little space at our house that maybe feels a bit like her dorm room without the crazy friend down the hall.
Harlow hadn't been eating much for about a week.  I chalked it up to new medicine and a lot happening around here.  Wednesday night she threw up followed by blood in her stool.  These were now the symptoms of the poisoning that our pup died of in 2004.  It was late, the vet was closed.  The emergency vet costs a fortune.  Danny was already asleep.  I was up and down much of the night with Harlow worried and berating myself for not taking her to the ER.
Thursday morning Harlow ate a little.  She survived the trip to the vet without any issues and after her thorough exam, was deemed fit and fine.  Turns out that Harlow just had a bit of tummy trouble.  Nothing an bland diet and a few pills couldn't take care of.  Three days later and I would never have guessed that Harlow had any ailments in the previous week.  She is back to her ole goofy self.  The only thing is sticking my hand half way down her throat to administer pills. 
While I am at the vet on Thursday I get a call from the assistant principal at Valley.  There has been an incident and Jacob is fine, but (Holy cow lady, can you draw this out any longer?!) a student had an outburst at the study hall teacher and attempted to throw an overhead projector at the teacher.  The projector was still plugged in so instead of going forward, it snapped back and hit Jacob in the arm (three spots) and the head.  I wanted him to come home, I wanted to go to the doctor to make sure he didn't have a concussion.  Jacob wanted to stay in school and let things be.
Jacob came home from school that evening with a sore arm and a headache, but not too much worse for wear.  I don't know how this one will end.  The student had charges pressed against him.  Whether Jacob will ever have to participate in any type of proceeding, I don't know.  Jacob wears his projector scars as badges of courage and honor and dumb luck.
So when Friday arrived uneventfully, I was glad.  When Saturday came and went without any hitches, I was over the moon.  When Sunday woke me with Ashlyn safely in London, Danny sound asleep next to me, Hayley set up in her little efficiency and Jacob in the clear of all mobile school supplies, I felt very thankful that all is well.

Make Me Beautiful

One afternoon, a very nice looking woman in the fifty age range came into the store.  She was griping about how the magazines tell her to not wear shimmery eye shadow because it will age her, but that all she found on the shelf was shimmery eye shadow.  I agreed with her, the majority of the eye shadows had some shimmer to them.  (Revlon had come out with a line of matte shadows that did not sell well in the drugstore market, and they were discontinued.)  But I also suggested that she wear whatever makes her feel beautiful and her response broke my heart.  "Nothing makes me feel beautiful."
Ok, we have all had days like that, I am sure.  I hope that this was one of those days for her.  Something told me that is wasn't just the day, but really was how she felt about herself.  During our interaction, she never smiled.  She was frustrated at the mixed signals that she got from the industry that should be helping her.  She was frustrated that I could not pull the magic elixir off the shelf.  I was frustrated that I couldn't help her either.  I could not, can not make someone see themselves as beautiful.  I can say it, but they have to believe it. 
When I look in the mirror, I see the flaws caused by too much sun.  My Aunt Rosanne warned me and I didn't listen.  I now put a little lemon juice on those spots and I am seeing them fade.  I am also putting a SPF on my face every day to try and protect what is left of my mother's genetic gift.  I also see the lines across my forehead.  They are more prominent at the hair salon, I suppose it is the lighting and the constant mirror staring.  I don't love these lines, but I definitely own them.  I don't think they are frown lines, I don't frown that often, but worry lines, perhaps.  I have had some cause to worry these past few years.  A little high quality face cream does seem to be doing the trick and the lines are fading slightly.  I read up on what tricks of trade will hide or highlight what I would like to hide and highlight.  With a little effort, I can leave the mirror looking pretty nice.  That is not what makes me beautiful though.
Beautiful is the smile I share with the struggling mom with the frustrated child that does not want to stay in the cart.  My smile (your smile) can go a long way to make her feel less judged and more able to cope with the matter at hand.  Beautiful is the look in my eyes when the elderly lady cannot find the perfect shade of coral lipstick.  (By the way, the perfect shade of coral lipstick is getting harder to find as the drugstore lines fazes them out for more youthful trends.  It is sad that the generation that really ignited the make up industry has been all but forgotten by them now.)   Beautiful is the time we take to listen with the ears decorated with diamond studs, huge loops or dangling snowmen.  Beautiful is the whole package and it really does come from the inside. 
Beautiful also seems to be the way a fella looks at his gal.  I am lucky enough to have a job that gives me a lot of interaction with the retired set.  So many of these couples are still so head over hills for each other and they look at each other with such love.  They also treat each other with such love.  I think that adds to the beauty of it all!  
Do I think I am beautiful?  Sometimes, sometimes not.  Sometimes I think I am pretty frickin ugly.   I tend to believe that pretty is only skin deep, but beautiful and ugly goes all the way in. 

Reaching Her Goal

Where were you three years ago?  We had just celebrated Christmas and were preparing for the unknown.  It was January of 2009.  One daughter was gravely ill and the other daughter was set to save her life.  I made only one resolution that year, to keep this family.   By the grace of God and the amazing medical staff at Blank and University of Iowa Hospital, I was able.
I mention this today for one reason.  Ashlyn is raising money for Dance Marathon which donates all of its proceeds to the University of Iowa Children's Hospital.  Ashlyn will not be participating in the event this year as she will be in London.  She has already served on the planning committee in the fall.  Last year, she was a moral dancer.  The previous year, her freshman year at Iowa State, she was a dance. 
The year prior to that, she was a patient surfing the web on a laptop in her room.  She was enjoying the tropical view of the fish in the tank in the hall in her specialized ward.  She was reaping the benefits of weekly massages from the visiting therapist.  Outside of her room, there were hundreds of other children on laptops, playing games, doing crafts because of Dance Marathon.  And the parents of those children were able to go to a quiet room to catch their breath, grab something to eat, pretend to unwind with a book or movie. 
This year, Ashlyn has set a goal of $500.00.  Pretty lofty, perhaps.  But I have seen this girl of mine set some pretty high goals in the past, and breeze right by them!   
If you have ever spent any time in a hospital room with a child, then you understand how important the generosity of Dance Marathon is.  If you haven't, then please count your blessings and maybe the change in your pocket and...

Ashlyn White

www.helpmakemiracles.org

A fundraising page for Ashlyn White

 

Her Bags are Packed

She's ready to go. She's standing there beside the door, and she will have to wake me up to say good bye.  The dawn is breakin, it's early morn, Dad's waiting, blowing the horn.  Already I'm so excited I could die!
...Cause she's leaving on a jet plane.  I know when she'll be back again.  And I am glad that she will go...

Forgive me, John Denver for mucking up your words, but where you were so sad to be leaving, I am not sad.  No, quite the contrary, I am so excited.  Obviously, I am not keen on Ashlyn being away from me for four months.  I will miss her so very much.  There will be no surprise weekend visits.   She will not be here to cheer the Cowboys on to Super Bowl victory.  Emmitt will not have someone to love him unconditionally. 
But, Ashlyn will have adventure and culture and pubs.  She will take on London as she took on Chicago, with delight. 
This is Ashlyn's fourth trip to Europe.  That sounds so ridiculous.  The first trip was on Uncle Sam's dime and she lived there for four years.  Her second trip was to Ireland with the Valley Marchmasters.  Ashlyn marched in the St. Patrick's Day Parade in Dublin.  The third trip was just a few weeks after her final surgery related to her treatment for leukemia.  That trip was her victory tour. 
And now, she heads to London to study at The London College of Fashion at the University of Arts of London.  So you can see why I am not sad.  I am thankful.  Thankful that the travel bug bit her nearly at birth.  Ashlyn drove cross country when she was three months old.  She visited seven countries before she was seven.  She has been on three of the seven continents. 
Thankful that her grades are where they needed to be to qualify for this program.  A job well done has always mattered to her.  That ethic has taken her to Chicago for a summer and now, London.
But most of all, just thankful that this incredible young lady that I had a hand in creating is able to seek adventure.