I say the last eight years because my mom has been dead that long. But she had been gone much longer than that. She was robbed of so much more mom time, grandma time than the past eight years. The disease that took her, took her just a little at a time. We knew we had to say our good byes over and over again because one can linger for ever in that bitch of a place called dementia. I think it fortunate that my mom did not linger, she was able to stay in her home longer than most, she was able to know most of her children and knew her husband, maybe til the end. Her siblings still could visit her and she was able to receive Holy Communion for a long time. Those are the blessings that I have to pull out of all the unfairness of her last years.
I was not around much ever. My sisters took the brunt of it as they are now with my dad. I think about these rolls we have taken on, a lot. It isn't fair- that they are there and I am not. But life isn't like that. Whereas my sisters have a million wonderful and horrible moments with my mom, I have just a few of both that are scattered throughout the 16 years of my adult gypsy life.
So here I am on Mother's Day morning just thinking about you, Mom. And I am sad that I cannot interrupt your magazine reading with a conversation. I am so sad that I cannot turn off Doctor Zhivago (because you weren't watching it anyway, resting eyes, right) and talk to you. I can't follow you into the kitchen and learn some of your secrets. But lets be honest, you were a horrible teacher in the kitchen. You had zero patience for less than perfect measuring and stirring. As much as I was fascinated by your apple slicing abilities, I always felt inferior in that place.
I am sad that I don't really know how much you know. Can you really see all that we do? Do you know that I have been so successful at love and marriage? Do you know what your grandkids are doing? Do you know or are you just a spirit that is free from all the earthly bindings? If that's the case, I am going to be so mad because I believe you know. I believe that you have seen all the tragedy and triumphs that make us. I believe that you have been in the hospital rooms, and in the Knapp Center, you were at ISU last December and you will be present in two weeks when Jacob graduates. I believe that you have disapproved of every bit of ink we have gotten. I believe that you appreciate that I plant geraniums every year for you.
I believe that you did the best you could for me and with me as I do with my own. Being a mom isn't easy, but man, it is a blast. I wish that we could have shared more of it together. I wish that we would have both made different decisions at times, but that's how it goes. I love you and appreciate all that you taught me, did for me, and put up with me. Happy Mother's Day!
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