Play Nice

I cannot play nice.  I cannot not say bad things about my fellow person.  Oh, I try.  I really do.  Sometimes, I will have a spurt of two or three hours of nothing but good thoughts then someone comes around me being catty, and just like that, the claws come out and I start the mean. 
I am forty two years old.  I am not in high school.  I have no clique to belong to.  Why is it so hard for me to be nice? 
I know a lot of my problem is that I am terribly insecure.  I have always been terribly insecure.  I also went through a period of great jealousy.  I work on those problems, but when I think about insecurities, I know that is a problem that goes way back and way deep.
I used to have a friend.  She wasn't really a friend by definition because I don't think we really cared for each other.  Our personalities clashed like the titans.  I always felt like she felt judged by me and vice versa.  The fact was, she had a lot of traits and talents that I admired.  When I would tell her, I think she believed me, but she was equally insecure so that belief didn't last long.  We aren't friends anymore, she has moved away and moved on.  I wish that I could see her one more time just to let her know that I didn't always mean to be not nice.
At work, I am jealous that I don't have the natural talent to approach people, to sell them stuff, to be remembered by them.  That is not my strength.  My strength is the background stuff.  My strength was in my old, done away with job.  So part of my not being nice is just because I am forever pissed that I don't love my job. 
I was nice today.  And it really is easier to be that way.  I should be happy that there is someone there with the talent to sell.  I should encourage that.  I should learn from that.  It is no secret that a happy work environment is a more productive work environment. 
I don't want my kids to grow up to be not nice.  I don't want an insult to flash through their mind before a compliment.  I don't want them to be like I am. 
I think being snotty is a defense mechanism.  If I don't make friends, then I don't lose friends.  Funny how the insecurities from grade school, middle school and high school can stay with me all these years. 
So here it is, just a couple weeks until Ash Wednesday.  Ash Wednesday is kind of like a second chance at failed resolutions.  Anyway, traditionally, people give something up for Lent but this year I am going to add something, niceness.  I am going to somehow replace every mental putdown with a verbal compliment. I am going to stop complaining and bitching and whiny and just be nice. 
And I will probably stop running with scissors as well.