Kind of Like Therapy

Well, in nineteen days I will be participating in a 10 to 15 mile obstacle course that I have not trained for.  Oh, I planned to train, I started to train (12 times) but I did not train.  I did lose six pounds, but that does not an athlete make.
But Tough Mudder is the least of my problems.  There is something going on that I cannot figure out.  There is a blah that has come over me that I cannot shake.  I recently started taking SAM-e, a supplement that is among other things, meant to support mood.  I have been on it a week and I can't tell a difference.  I still feel blah.  I don't want a prescription for something stronger, that is a road I do not want to take.  If I cannot find the joy in myself, than I got problems.  And right now, I cannot sustain the joy.
All of my woes are little ones.  I have had the big ones, so I know the difference.  My girls are far away and I miss them.  I forget that I encouraged them to go, go, go.  And there is great joy for them, I just miss them.  I don't want them to come running back.  Not yet.  Maybe not ever.  I just didn't know I would miss them this much.  I wasn't prepared for this.
Jacob is almost 18.  There is a sadness there for me and such joy that we did it!  We raised another one successfully.  Bully!  And he is still home (I use the term loosely) for another year.  But I suspect this year, as it should be, will be filled with activities that don't involve or revolve around me. 
And then there's Harlow.  And maybe this is it.  Maybe when I get right down to it, maybe it is that undeniable fact that my big girl is getting old.  Slower to get up, slower to lay down.  Often unresponsive to my commands.  Yesterday brought four accidents.  Which means another trip to the vet, a long list of tests they would like to do and a lot of stress for my girl and me.  I am sad.  Because it wasn't until I started this paragraph that the tears came. 
I reread this blog and realize that just typing it helps my heart.  Helps me loosen the hurt that holds the joy.  I am at a point here in this lovely life of mine where change is inevitable.  I need to find the joy in that. 
Hey, thanks for listening.  I guess I have some work to do with this heart of mine.  Tough Mudder will come whether I am prepared or not so there is no point in stressing that.  And if I want to be honest, the rest of it will come whether I am prepared for it or not so there is no point in stressing that either.