So I found The Military Diet or Three Day Diet on Pinterest this past week. I am not very good at following any type of eating plan but thought I could handle three days. The promise of this diet is up to five pounds weight loss in the three days. It is meant as a jumping off point, I suppose, to a little less weight and a little more motivation.
It was hard to pick the best three days. No Wednesdays because that's movie night and kettle korn night. I chose the three days after, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Bad choice because Friday was a work birthday and I couldn't eat cheesecake and Saturday had two birthday cakes to make and I couldn't eat any graham cracker cookies.
Wednesday night I went to the grocery store with my list. I bought the app for the diet just to help me stay on track. The two McDonalds sweet teas that I didn't buy paid for the app. Ashlyn and Danny were with me at the store and were questioning the food choices on this. There is ice cream and saltines and hot dogs along with cottage cheese and carrots. Seems legit!
Thursday morning the scale said loud and proud 149. Well, fuck, that is higher than I expected. And unfortunately from what I know of my weight during the FXB days, that is over ten pounds of fat. During FXB I was much more fit and muscular and weighed ten pounds less. During the deployment days (which I also refer to as the crazy year) I hit bottom at 118. There was very little muscle and mostly bone protruding from my neck. Oddly, when I was in my early twenties, I weighed much less than that but don't notice the protruding bone, she needs a sandwich effect in old photos. And I know that I am not fat, I know that my weight gain is easily solved with less sugar and more exercise. But I am lazy and don't want to keep track. I like sweet tea and candy. In fact, I may be an elf.
I continued to take my normal vitamins and supplements during the three days. I take a multi, an iron, two D's, two different B's, a biotin for healthy nails and hair and an Epicor to keep me breathing!
Day one seemed like a lot of food especially for breakfast. I drank tea and ate grapefruit and toast with peanut butter. I had the grapefruit in the cup because it only called for a half of grapefruit and the other half would have gone bad. The cup has added sugar so there's that. But this was a great breakfast and I wasn't hungry at all at work.
Lunch was at 2:00 with 1/2 cup of cottage cheese and 1/8 cup sunflower kernels and more tea. I normally don't eat lunch at work but two smaller snacks. This was much healthier than usual. I was also drinking water throughout the day, something I don't normally do.
Dinner was delightful with chicken, green beans, 1/2 banana and apple and 1 cup of vanilla ice cream. I did not go to bed hungry!
The next two days were different and less foods but I never felt hungry. I had a horrible headache on day two. I don't know if it was the diet, lack of sugar or just time. I drank a half of gallon of water which is a half gallon more than I usually drink and the headache stayed. That was the only problem I really encountered.
I peed a lot over the next three days, but the claim that I just lost water weight doesn't seem fair considering that I was not dehydrated and that I had drank zero water prior to the start. My belly felt flatter and softer. Danny thought it looked littler as well. I did not exercise at all. There were no violent poops associated with this diet either which was nice. Peeing was the big theme for me.
The weigh in on day two was 146, day three was 145.6 and the final weigh in was 145.2. Respectable results, if you ask me. Now I am on my own eating responsibly and exercising.
I started the 20 day plank challenge yesterday...
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Post Medium
So it has been a week since my visit to the medium. The same amount of time has passed since my last breakdown as well. I am still taking into consideration what was shared with me that evening. Some of it is fairly tongue in cheek, some far more seriously. It helps tremendously that I have this outlet and the outlet of those that know me to bounce these thoughts off of.
Interestedly, many were ready to completely disregard what this person had to say because it didn't mirror their own experience or they didn't believe. Well, this is mine and it isn't really up to you to decide what happened was real or true or accurate. I cannot really explain, but I know what was true and as I still process, I can make sense of most of what was said. Her feelings about Danny were off. He does like things a certain way when it pertains to his jobs. That was accurate, but in our relationship there has never been a sense of me giving up anything for him. Unless one wants to describe a grand adventure as giving up.
There was the misunderstanding that all of my angst last week was caused by what the medium said. That really isn't true. My angst really stemmed from knowing that as I was read, what was read was still unwritten. Does that make sense? I believe that this person was able to see into me, got a feel of how I feel. She clearly saw that I am not where I want to be. Potential, it seems, is a loaded word. The medium didn't make me feel bad about myself. I felt that way going in, she just pulled those feelings up to the surface. I know that there is something in me that wants to come forward but I can't seem to figure out what that something is. I know that I wanted the medium to be able to see that. But that is my mystery to solve. Challenge accepted. I have books to read and other avenues to explore.
Potential.
I used to really enjoy my job when I was in inventory control. I was good at it and it was a pretty black and white type of job. Scientific even. Selling cosmetics is many colors and I am not so good at it. I could easily retain what I learned in my old position. I do not retain the information I learn in this position. That is frustrating. It isn't that I am not good at my job, it just isn't the type of job I am wired for. But there is that acceptance now that this job is a means to an end. Usually a weekend. This job pays me well enough to enjoy the life I have away from the drugstore.
It feels really good to finally put that into its proper place. Remind me of that when I want to bitch about my job again.
Someone had commented that someday I would realize that my loved ones were in a good place, or something like that. I know where my mom is. I don't question her presence in heaven. That is one of the things I am sure of in my life. Wanting to talk to my mom through the medium was not about finding out if my mom was ok, it was about having one last meaningful conversation with her. I don't remember the last time we spoke as mom and daughter. I remember the last meaningful conversation that we had though. It was my sister, Sheila's wedding. My mom did not recognize me. Sheila talked her through her children, (Bobby, Crissy, Dicky, Sheila, Annie) which had always worked in the past, but this time when Sheila got to Annie, the blank look in my mom's eyes didn't leave. Like the photo in Back to the Future, I had faded away from her memory. I don't know that I will ever make peace with that day. I don't know how anyone can expect me to. And I know that a medium could give me some very generic words of love and pride, but maybe my mom will really come forward and I will get one more chance. Maybe she will use a phrase from my childhood. Maybe. A lot of people have had signs and messages from beyond the grave, am I selfish for wanting mine?
I don't know quite how I feel about reincarnation. But I am having so much fun with my past lives that I don't intend to let them go. Just as people can glean the deeper meaning out of the bible or philosophy texts, I am gleaning the deeper meaning out of my past lives and the additional information she shared with me. If the Lord communicated through dreams and bushes, why can't He also communicate through gifted people? Was a scientist or a healer? Sure! Why not! And if I wasn't, and choose to believe that I was, where is the harm in that? Call me crazy, you probably do anyway.
Oh, potential. I have got a plan for that.
The whole point of the medium, if I am going to be completely honest, was to talk to my dogs. For whatever reason, the expectations that I put on human relationships I never put on the canine ones. I could love them unconditionally without reading into everything. I was always at ease with them (except when I was walking Harlow). I was always myself with them. I always felt safe with them. I don't know if I ever properly thanked them for being my best friends. And secretly, I wanted to ask them to guide my next friend to me. When I hit my low, which happens from time to time, these pups never judged, they never glanced at the scars, they never rolled their eyes. In fact, when I hit the low, they sought me out and put their giant heads on me, taking away some of the weight from my heart in the process. I just wanted to say thanks. That's all.
I feel so much better now. I will go to another medium. I will keep looking for whatever it is I am looking for. I will keep blogging about it. Tapping into my potential.
Interestedly, many were ready to completely disregard what this person had to say because it didn't mirror their own experience or they didn't believe. Well, this is mine and it isn't really up to you to decide what happened was real or true or accurate. I cannot really explain, but I know what was true and as I still process, I can make sense of most of what was said. Her feelings about Danny were off. He does like things a certain way when it pertains to his jobs. That was accurate, but in our relationship there has never been a sense of me giving up anything for him. Unless one wants to describe a grand adventure as giving up.
There was the misunderstanding that all of my angst last week was caused by what the medium said. That really isn't true. My angst really stemmed from knowing that as I was read, what was read was still unwritten. Does that make sense? I believe that this person was able to see into me, got a feel of how I feel. She clearly saw that I am not where I want to be. Potential, it seems, is a loaded word. The medium didn't make me feel bad about myself. I felt that way going in, she just pulled those feelings up to the surface. I know that there is something in me that wants to come forward but I can't seem to figure out what that something is. I know that I wanted the medium to be able to see that. But that is my mystery to solve. Challenge accepted. I have books to read and other avenues to explore.
Potential.
I used to really enjoy my job when I was in inventory control. I was good at it and it was a pretty black and white type of job. Scientific even. Selling cosmetics is many colors and I am not so good at it. I could easily retain what I learned in my old position. I do not retain the information I learn in this position. That is frustrating. It isn't that I am not good at my job, it just isn't the type of job I am wired for. But there is that acceptance now that this job is a means to an end. Usually a weekend. This job pays me well enough to enjoy the life I have away from the drugstore.
It feels really good to finally put that into its proper place. Remind me of that when I want to bitch about my job again.
Someone had commented that someday I would realize that my loved ones were in a good place, or something like that. I know where my mom is. I don't question her presence in heaven. That is one of the things I am sure of in my life. Wanting to talk to my mom through the medium was not about finding out if my mom was ok, it was about having one last meaningful conversation with her. I don't remember the last time we spoke as mom and daughter. I remember the last meaningful conversation that we had though. It was my sister, Sheila's wedding. My mom did not recognize me. Sheila talked her through her children, (Bobby, Crissy, Dicky, Sheila, Annie) which had always worked in the past, but this time when Sheila got to Annie, the blank look in my mom's eyes didn't leave. Like the photo in Back to the Future, I had faded away from her memory. I don't know that I will ever make peace with that day. I don't know how anyone can expect me to. And I know that a medium could give me some very generic words of love and pride, but maybe my mom will really come forward and I will get one more chance. Maybe she will use a phrase from my childhood. Maybe. A lot of people have had signs and messages from beyond the grave, am I selfish for wanting mine?
I don't know quite how I feel about reincarnation. But I am having so much fun with my past lives that I don't intend to let them go. Just as people can glean the deeper meaning out of the bible or philosophy texts, I am gleaning the deeper meaning out of my past lives and the additional information she shared with me. If the Lord communicated through dreams and bushes, why can't He also communicate through gifted people? Was a scientist or a healer? Sure! Why not! And if I wasn't, and choose to believe that I was, where is the harm in that? Call me crazy, you probably do anyway.
Oh, potential. I have got a plan for that.
The whole point of the medium, if I am going to be completely honest, was to talk to my dogs. For whatever reason, the expectations that I put on human relationships I never put on the canine ones. I could love them unconditionally without reading into everything. I was always at ease with them (except when I was walking Harlow). I was always myself with them. I always felt safe with them. I don't know if I ever properly thanked them for being my best friends. And secretly, I wanted to ask them to guide my next friend to me. When I hit my low, which happens from time to time, these pups never judged, they never glanced at the scars, they never rolled their eyes. In fact, when I hit the low, they sought me out and put their giant heads on me, taking away some of the weight from my heart in the process. I just wanted to say thanks. That's all.
I feel so much better now. I will go to another medium. I will keep looking for whatever it is I am looking for. I will keep blogging about it. Tapping into my potential.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Thank a Police Officer
It is thank a police officer day today. I didn't know that there was a special day for this, it seems to me that we should be thanking them on a regular basis for all that they do and don't do. But sadly, we don't. We grumble and complain and blame. Worse, our media often portrays them as brutal, racist bullies. Read the comments section below any law enforcement news story and it is hate filled and judgemental. High profile television news personalities second guess the actions of officers as they watch recorded footage. Well educated men that know their doubt creates doubt in their viewers.
I know that there are two big pushes right now following the shooting in Ferguson. Citizens demand that the officers wear body cameras and citizens demand that police departments get rid of the military styled equipment. Citizens are outraged. Citizens are generally uninformed and are feeding off the media frenzy. As the spouse of an officer, I am viewed as someone thoroughly educated on the in's and out's of law enforcement. Surprisingly, I am not. I do not know penal codes. I do not know the whereabouts of speed traps. I do not know why tasers, car cameras, radios malfunction. Though I find the idiots of this city fascinating, I am not in law enforcement, only married to a bit of it. I am quite sure that when my police officer husband goes to work, his fellow officers are not asking him questions regarding the cosmetics department at Walgreens.
Back to the body cameras and military styled equipment. My opinions on these two subjects are very biased. I love a great number of people that would use this equipment and their safety and well being is far more important to me than the opinions of Anderson Cooper et all. Body cameras, like any electronic device, will not work at some point. The point will probably be when it has been hit or jostled or knocked about a bit. It will probably be hit or jostled or knocked about a bit during a foot chase, an apprehension or a no holds barred fight for life. And when that happens, and it will, someone sitting comfortably behind a desk or standing angerly on the street corner will accuse the officer of shutting the camera off. They will forget, or not even remember what transpired. They will not understand that this officer was running across a trash strewn lot or was reaching for handcuffs while trying to maintain control of the suspect or was relying on every bit of police training to stay ahead of the man trying to get the service revolver. Because the finger of blame will have to be pointed. There will always have to be a hidden agenda. It will cause an officer to second guess instinct.
But in our need to know everything society, body cameras will become the norm.
Now about this military styled equipment that we have been hearing so much about. I think it is important to recognized that just because something is finished with a matte black coating, it does not make it militarized. Again, a creation of the media. As we watch the advancement of ISIS and learn of the ever increasing sympathizers here in the United States I think it is time we realize that the day we ask our local law enforcement to preform like the military is not too far off. The criminal that they are fighting will always be the piece of shit selling drugs and shooting rivals. The enemy they will have to fight will be well trained and educated haters of America bent on its destruction. Will it be necessary for Middle America agencies to have tactical vehicles and high powered rifles? You bet your ass. Because it is in places like Middle America that won't be the easy targets (WOLVERINES!). I want to know that in the event of a terrorist attack there are vehicles that can move through the rubble. Because those vehicles will be awfully handy during an Iowa snowstorm or spring flood. But with this equipment must come the training. Law enforcement cannot just dole it out when the shit hits, there must be continually training so that they are ready for the shit.
On that note, let's discuss the fact that two people have recently scaled the White House fence. Is this like the velociraptor in Jurassic Park? Never testing the fence in the same place, looking for the weakness? Ideally, the federal police would gather some well trained Belgian malinois' on break away leashes. Dogs aren't going to second guess, body camera or not and I don't care what crazy faction you are working for, there isn't a person alive that would not piss their pants at the sound of K9 law coming.
I cannot stay on topic.
Thank you for getting me across the street with ease after a concert at The Well. Thank you for cruising through the Quik Trip parking lot as I walk back to my car after the fair. Thank you for popping my lock at Wendy's when Ashlyn was in the back seat. Thank you for clearing out the post party at the Boom Boom Room when I was trying to sleep. Thank you for being honest about the liberal courts system in KC and that no one was going to jail when my vehicle was stolen. Thank you for the warning instead of the ticket and even thanks for the ticket. Sometimes we all need the reminder to slow it down, and you were probably close to winning a toaster. Thank you for being out in the worst kind of weather dealing with the worst kinds of people. Thank you for not listening to all the negative know it alls that do not have what it takes to save a life, stop a crime, protect a child.
I know that there are two big pushes right now following the shooting in Ferguson. Citizens demand that the officers wear body cameras and citizens demand that police departments get rid of the military styled equipment. Citizens are outraged. Citizens are generally uninformed and are feeding off the media frenzy. As the spouse of an officer, I am viewed as someone thoroughly educated on the in's and out's of law enforcement. Surprisingly, I am not. I do not know penal codes. I do not know the whereabouts of speed traps. I do not know why tasers, car cameras, radios malfunction. Though I find the idiots of this city fascinating, I am not in law enforcement, only married to a bit of it. I am quite sure that when my police officer husband goes to work, his fellow officers are not asking him questions regarding the cosmetics department at Walgreens.
Back to the body cameras and military styled equipment. My opinions on these two subjects are very biased. I love a great number of people that would use this equipment and their safety and well being is far more important to me than the opinions of Anderson Cooper et all. Body cameras, like any electronic device, will not work at some point. The point will probably be when it has been hit or jostled or knocked about a bit. It will probably be hit or jostled or knocked about a bit during a foot chase, an apprehension or a no holds barred fight for life. And when that happens, and it will, someone sitting comfortably behind a desk or standing angerly on the street corner will accuse the officer of shutting the camera off. They will forget, or not even remember what transpired. They will not understand that this officer was running across a trash strewn lot or was reaching for handcuffs while trying to maintain control of the suspect or was relying on every bit of police training to stay ahead of the man trying to get the service revolver. Because the finger of blame will have to be pointed. There will always have to be a hidden agenda. It will cause an officer to second guess instinct.
But in our need to know everything society, body cameras will become the norm.
Now about this military styled equipment that we have been hearing so much about. I think it is important to recognized that just because something is finished with a matte black coating, it does not make it militarized. Again, a creation of the media. As we watch the advancement of ISIS and learn of the ever increasing sympathizers here in the United States I think it is time we realize that the day we ask our local law enforcement to preform like the military is not too far off. The criminal that they are fighting will always be the piece of shit selling drugs and shooting rivals. The enemy they will have to fight will be well trained and educated haters of America bent on its destruction. Will it be necessary for Middle America agencies to have tactical vehicles and high powered rifles? You bet your ass. Because it is in places like Middle America that won't be the easy targets (WOLVERINES!). I want to know that in the event of a terrorist attack there are vehicles that can move through the rubble. Because those vehicles will be awfully handy during an Iowa snowstorm or spring flood. But with this equipment must come the training. Law enforcement cannot just dole it out when the shit hits, there must be continually training so that they are ready for the shit.
On that note, let's discuss the fact that two people have recently scaled the White House fence. Is this like the velociraptor in Jurassic Park? Never testing the fence in the same place, looking for the weakness? Ideally, the federal police would gather some well trained Belgian malinois' on break away leashes. Dogs aren't going to second guess, body camera or not and I don't care what crazy faction you are working for, there isn't a person alive that would not piss their pants at the sound of K9 law coming.
I cannot stay on topic.
Thank you for getting me across the street with ease after a concert at The Well. Thank you for cruising through the Quik Trip parking lot as I walk back to my car after the fair. Thank you for popping my lock at Wendy's when Ashlyn was in the back seat. Thank you for clearing out the post party at the Boom Boom Room when I was trying to sleep. Thank you for being honest about the liberal courts system in KC and that no one was going to jail when my vehicle was stolen. Thank you for the warning instead of the ticket and even thanks for the ticket. Sometimes we all need the reminder to slow it down, and you were probably close to winning a toaster. Thank you for being out in the worst kind of weather dealing with the worst kinds of people. Thank you for not listening to all the negative know it alls that do not have what it takes to save a life, stop a crime, protect a child.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Still On This Medium Thing
So I can spend much of my day blowing holes in last night's experience. I can go on and on about how ridiculous it is that I would believe I was a scientist. It is the scientist part I am having a hard time with, not the living on Atlantis. I mean, someone had to live on Atlantis, so why not a former me, but scientist. I flunked chemistry my junior year. I think if I were a scientist on Atlantis, then I could have pushed my way through junior year chem. Of course, I did miss a week of school that year due to my extra curricular activities so my time on Atlantis really wouldn't have come into play. But then again, why couldn't I have been a scientist. A mad one at that.
Anyway, I have to decide what I believe. Do I believe in reincarnation? I don't know. I did have deja vu with my cat once. If I believe in reincarnation than I do believe that the essence of one life would follow to the next. But that also means that I don't believe that the soul immediately goes to heaven. Or maybe the soul multiplies like a single celled amoeba having sex. I don't know. Is this all there is? Is this enough? Is heaven the ultimate goal or is it ashes to ashes and just dust to dust?
Last night began with the medium reading me and opening me up. It was then that she discovered my past. I can take that or leave that. It is fun, it is interesting, it is possible.
I just keep going back to two things that we discussed last night-
My potential. Oh come on, let this go already.
My faith. Yes, we are back to that again.
Does God have a plan for me? Well everyone seems to think so because they say shit like "it is all part of God's plan" or "It wasn't part of God's plan." Tie that up neatly with living to one's potential and worse, that I am living to my potential and I have to wonder why God and I have so little faith in me. If this, and by this, I mean my job, is my potential.
Yes, I am a good wife and fine mother. I am assuming that actually. Danny says nice things about me and stuff, but I can't be really sure. And the kinder do give me hugs and send me texts and get me the perfect gifts. So I must be solid there. And I don't feel like that woman that wonders "is this all there is?" Because I know, for as kick ass wife and mothering is, that isn't all there is and I have never felt like it was or had to be. I have spent a great deal of my life identifying as White's Wife or Ashlyn, Hayley, Jacob's mom. So when the medium talked about me being more than that, I didn't feel like I was being slighted. I am a wife and mom, I identify with that but
This is the most ridiculous first world problem ever. I realize that. And you are all fools to read this utter nonsense but because I have sloppy handwriting and I like the sound of typing, I am going to keep on with this blog. You have been warned. Keep reading. Follow my s
Holy shit! No wonder I don't like open water. I was probably on Atlantis when it sunk in the ocean. It makes perfect sense
As I was saying...
Follow my slow decent into madness.
A writer. You should be a writer. I heard that a lot when I wrote the Ashlyn Alerts many years ago. I am a writer. I am not published. No one is buying my work. I am not holding book signings. But I am a writer. I don't pursue the published writer path for many reasons. I have no idea. I love to write like this, just off the cuff with little sense. I have yet to find a subject that I can turn into something more. I don't want the rejection. I am terrified of the rejection. Getting published is no easy feat. I have researched it. I could probably do pretty well with a historical romance, heavy on the petting and light on the historical. Penthouse Forum is always publishing but I don't think they do book signings. All the good wizard, vampire, new world order themed books have been written. Not that I could have thought of any of those. Maybe I will look up to the clouds and find an idea for my novel. Seriously, it may be as easy as that.
I don't think I have used the F word yet in this piece. I am coming to terms with this experience.
The medium did not make me feel less for myself. What is so difficult is to have someone else recognize the struggle that I am having. That makes it real. That is what hurt so much is that I can hide this huge self worth issue from myself, but I can't hide it from someone that is gifted to see inside me. Does that make sense?
Our time ran short and we didn't get to talk much about God. Why is this relationship with God so hard for me? Jesus, just help a sister out! Funny how the more I search for answers the more fucked up I become. BUT my chakra is wide open and that is a good thing.
You are all very sweet to take this ride with me. It is long and rambling and is just how I am going to have to get there. I am not done looking for answers. I may start looking in some odd places. I am still looking for signs and am just a little peeved that God doesn't show up Old Testament style with a burning bush because honestly, I could use a shrub on fire right about now.
Oh, I was a healer. And I feel so broken now.
Anyway, I have to decide what I believe. Do I believe in reincarnation? I don't know. I did have deja vu with my cat once. If I believe in reincarnation than I do believe that the essence of one life would follow to the next. But that also means that I don't believe that the soul immediately goes to heaven. Or maybe the soul multiplies like a single celled amoeba having sex. I don't know. Is this all there is? Is this enough? Is heaven the ultimate goal or is it ashes to ashes and just dust to dust?
Last night began with the medium reading me and opening me up. It was then that she discovered my past. I can take that or leave that. It is fun, it is interesting, it is possible.
I just keep going back to two things that we discussed last night-
My potential. Oh come on, let this go already.
My faith. Yes, we are back to that again.
Does God have a plan for me? Well everyone seems to think so because they say shit like "it is all part of God's plan" or "It wasn't part of God's plan." Tie that up neatly with living to one's potential and worse, that I am living to my potential and I have to wonder why God and I have so little faith in me. If this, and by this, I mean my job, is my potential.
Yes, I am a good wife and fine mother. I am assuming that actually. Danny says nice things about me and stuff, but I can't be really sure. And the kinder do give me hugs and send me texts and get me the perfect gifts. So I must be solid there. And I don't feel like that woman that wonders "is this all there is?" Because I know, for as kick ass wife and mothering is, that isn't all there is and I have never felt like it was or had to be. I have spent a great deal of my life identifying as White's Wife or Ashlyn, Hayley, Jacob's mom. So when the medium talked about me being more than that, I didn't feel like I was being slighted. I am a wife and mom, I identify with that but
This is the most ridiculous first world problem ever. I realize that. And you are all fools to read this utter nonsense but because I have sloppy handwriting and I like the sound of typing, I am going to keep on with this blog. You have been warned. Keep reading. Follow my s
Holy shit! No wonder I don't like open water. I was probably on Atlantis when it sunk in the ocean. It makes perfect sense
As I was saying...
Follow my slow decent into madness.
A writer. You should be a writer. I heard that a lot when I wrote the Ashlyn Alerts many years ago. I am a writer. I am not published. No one is buying my work. I am not holding book signings. But I am a writer. I don't pursue the published writer path for many reasons. I have no idea. I love to write like this, just off the cuff with little sense. I have yet to find a subject that I can turn into something more. I don't want the rejection. I am terrified of the rejection. Getting published is no easy feat. I have researched it. I could probably do pretty well with a historical romance, heavy on the petting and light on the historical. Penthouse Forum is always publishing but I don't think they do book signings. All the good wizard, vampire, new world order themed books have been written. Not that I could have thought of any of those. Maybe I will look up to the clouds and find an idea for my novel. Seriously, it may be as easy as that.
I don't think I have used the F word yet in this piece. I am coming to terms with this experience.
The medium did not make me feel less for myself. What is so difficult is to have someone else recognize the struggle that I am having. That makes it real. That is what hurt so much is that I can hide this huge self worth issue from myself, but I can't hide it from someone that is gifted to see inside me. Does that make sense?
Our time ran short and we didn't get to talk much about God. Why is this relationship with God so hard for me? Jesus, just help a sister out! Funny how the more I search for answers the more fucked up I become. BUT my chakra is wide open and that is a good thing.
You are all very sweet to take this ride with me. It is long and rambling and is just how I am going to have to get there. I am not done looking for answers. I may start looking in some odd places. I am still looking for signs and am just a little peeved that God doesn't show up Old Testament style with a burning bush because honestly, I could use a shrub on fire right about now.
Oh, I was a healer. And I feel so broken now.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
My Visit to the Medium
Not a God Damn Thing.
I went to a medium tonight with the hopes of talking to my mom, my husband's grandmother and my dogs. That's all. I just wanted to know that all in the afterlife was cool. I wanted to know that my dogs were together and that they were still lolloping about the yard. That's all.
But Fuck No! I learned about some past lives. And yes, I believe in past lives. I don't know if these were my lives but let's go with it.
I was a scientist on Atlantis. I worked for the good of humankind. Too bad I was on a sinking ship, so to speak. I was a man. Very analytical.
I was a native American warrior. I was young. I would watch the clouds for solutions to my problems. I don't watch the clouds much now, sometimes when I am in the pool, but I am not usually looking for answers.
I was a writer in Connecticut. My name was Willa or Wilma. I wrote about the things I wanted to do. My husband died in his fifties and I lived a long life without him.
My Grandma Martin was present. She didn't talk to me, just asked the medium some questions about what was going on. I have no reason to doubt it. In life, she wanted to know what was happening in other people's lives. Not as a gossip, just as a well informed observer. I did not have a sense of her being there.
Man, I really weighed going. After Crissy shared her experience, I wanted to go. I wanted to have some earth shaking, heart lifting moment. But I was afraid. I was afraid that Mom wouldn't be there or would say something disapproving. But I didn't expect this.
How many times can I use the word FUCK in this essay to express my feelings? I hope I was a better writer in Connecticut than I am here today. I cannot even find the words to describe how I am feeling. Empty. Fucking empty. That's better.
It appears that I am audio clairvoyant. I don't want to lay quietly at night and learn the house sounds so that I may hear the voices. I don't ever recall hearing my name when no one was around. I do see the flashes of blond and fawn in the yard. I do not hear their barks or yawns.
I was a healer. In a past life. I do not want to be part of the medical world now. Not one little bit.
In this life I am not living to my potential. Seriously? Like selling beauty supplies is any one's potential. But I really didn't need someone to remind me of this two months before my 45th birthday. Potential ship has already sailed. I have struggled and prayed and searched for what I was meant to do and have never felt a pull or saw a sign or heard a whisper. I don't want to start over. I don't want to keep being reminded that there was more for me and I somehow missed it.
I just wanted some peace in my struggle with faith. I wanted to know that my dogs were ok. I wanted to know I wasn't crazy when I imagined that Rita found Lucy on that awful day six years ago.
My crown chakra is wide open. That is where the god is. I am very spiritual. I don't feel very spiritual. I feel...
It is unbelievable to me that I am this upset. That this reading has left me feeling so terribly alone. I cannot find a better word for it.
I am supposed to make a change. In fact I cannot go back to her until I do. But what kind of change? I am tired of looking. I am tired of feeling like this is the best I am going to be. I am just worn out. Unreal how exhausted I feel. And the shit of it is is that I don't have any place to go to get any more answers.
Scorpios apparently feel more deeply. I always thought I was good at shutting feelings off. I wish I were still that analytical scientist.
I am not even going to proof read this. My sweet ramblings of a night gone terribly off course.
And I don't dismiss this night as craziness or tom foolery. I know there is truth to a lot of what was said. Or maybe this was my visit to the wizard.
Yeah, I don't know. I am exhausted.
I went to a medium tonight with the hopes of talking to my mom, my husband's grandmother and my dogs. That's all. I just wanted to know that all in the afterlife was cool. I wanted to know that my dogs were together and that they were still lolloping about the yard. That's all.
But Fuck No! I learned about some past lives. And yes, I believe in past lives. I don't know if these were my lives but let's go with it.
I was a scientist on Atlantis. I worked for the good of humankind. Too bad I was on a sinking ship, so to speak. I was a man. Very analytical.
I was a native American warrior. I was young. I would watch the clouds for solutions to my problems. I don't watch the clouds much now, sometimes when I am in the pool, but I am not usually looking for answers.
I was a writer in Connecticut. My name was Willa or Wilma. I wrote about the things I wanted to do. My husband died in his fifties and I lived a long life without him.
My Grandma Martin was present. She didn't talk to me, just asked the medium some questions about what was going on. I have no reason to doubt it. In life, she wanted to know what was happening in other people's lives. Not as a gossip, just as a well informed observer. I did not have a sense of her being there.
Man, I really weighed going. After Crissy shared her experience, I wanted to go. I wanted to have some earth shaking, heart lifting moment. But I was afraid. I was afraid that Mom wouldn't be there or would say something disapproving. But I didn't expect this.
How many times can I use the word FUCK in this essay to express my feelings? I hope I was a better writer in Connecticut than I am here today. I cannot even find the words to describe how I am feeling. Empty. Fucking empty. That's better.
It appears that I am audio clairvoyant. I don't want to lay quietly at night and learn the house sounds so that I may hear the voices. I don't ever recall hearing my name when no one was around. I do see the flashes of blond and fawn in the yard. I do not hear their barks or yawns.
I was a healer. In a past life. I do not want to be part of the medical world now. Not one little bit.
In this life I am not living to my potential. Seriously? Like selling beauty supplies is any one's potential. But I really didn't need someone to remind me of this two months before my 45th birthday. Potential ship has already sailed. I have struggled and prayed and searched for what I was meant to do and have never felt a pull or saw a sign or heard a whisper. I don't want to start over. I don't want to keep being reminded that there was more for me and I somehow missed it.
I just wanted some peace in my struggle with faith. I wanted to know that my dogs were ok. I wanted to know I wasn't crazy when I imagined that Rita found Lucy on that awful day six years ago.
My crown chakra is wide open. That is where the god is. I am very spiritual. I don't feel very spiritual. I feel...
It is unbelievable to me that I am this upset. That this reading has left me feeling so terribly alone. I cannot find a better word for it.
I am supposed to make a change. In fact I cannot go back to her until I do. But what kind of change? I am tired of looking. I am tired of feeling like this is the best I am going to be. I am just worn out. Unreal how exhausted I feel. And the shit of it is is that I don't have any place to go to get any more answers.
Scorpios apparently feel more deeply. I always thought I was good at shutting feelings off. I wish I were still that analytical scientist.
I am not even going to proof read this. My sweet ramblings of a night gone terribly off course.
And I don't dismiss this night as craziness or tom foolery. I know there is truth to a lot of what was said. Or maybe this was my visit to the wizard.
Yeah, I don't know. I am exhausted.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Not Fact Checking These Opinions
A lot of shit is happening and yet, Kardashians and fall fashion tips are in my news feed. It saddens me that this is news. Don't get me wrong, I read about famous people and fashion and tiny houses, but that's after I have read about the ebola virus, ISIS, the Ukraine, minimum wage debate. I am by no means educated, but I try, seriously, I do try.
So as the title tells you, I'm not fact checking. These are my opinions that I offer and not so humbly so.
The ebola virus. That shit is for real. I don't understand why we cannot air drop a hundred thousand boxes of gloves? Pony up Walgreens. That is not even $10,000 retail. I am sure that Angelina Jolie would foot the bill for the flight, Bill Gates could cover the parachute. Seriously, when the clinic sink consists of two five gallon buckets and a bottle of bleach, we need to help out. This isn't only Africa's problem anymore. There is a third American victim to be hospitalized in Omaha. Why Omaha? If the CDC hospital already treated two people successfully, maybe they should continue. Minimize the risk of people freaking out (Trump). I kid you not though, I am washing my hands just a little more these days and wiping down the counters. I don't make it a habit of touching other people's bodily fluids but it still is a little crazy to have a disease like this just down the road. All seems very zombie-esque.
CVS doesn't sell cigarettes anymore! Hooray for CVS. They have also changed their name to CVS Health. I like that stand that they have taken. I suppose they will lose some money not that there is much mark up in smokes. It is mostly kick backs from the tobacco companies. But giving up that kick back also means they give up dealing with tobacco stings and the fines that can follow. They may have a little less employee turn over if they don't have to fire someone for failing a sting which equals less training expense with new hire. They will not have to deal with tobacco reps which seem to be some of the nastiest reps in the retail world. There will be less man hours spent on checking in, counting and filling of cigarettes and most importantly, there will no longer be the pain in the ass dealings with people who forgot their ID, have their money in the bar or shoe or meth laced pockets. There will no longer be that POS that throws a brick through the front door to load up on Marlboro Golds in the hard pack. Thumbs up CVS.
McDonalds employees want $15 an hour. That seems fair. Thirty three percent of my orders have not been correct. You should earn that much. OR you get minimum wage, which sucks. Then you show up to work clean and on time. You are pleasant to the customer, get the order right, do the job without complaint and earn more based on your merit. I love that idea! Granted, the current wage of $7.50 is not enough to live off of if you are the sole bread winner for a family of four, but it is plenty to live off of if you are 16. And please don't give me the argument that the wage should be based on age because I can show you many cases where the 16 year old worked harder and better than the adult.
And if the wage is increased, what happens to people like me that are making a living wage, have put in the time and nurtured the talent? Will I get an increase as well? Will my wage double? Probably not. The gap between a new employee and a seasoned one will tighten. The old timers will get pissed having to do more for less. I know I will. And retailers will probably raise the prices to cover this increase in wage. I cannot imagine paying $8 for a quarter pounder meal, no pickle or onion with a sweet tea, no ice just so anyone can make $15 an hour to start at McDonalds.
ISIS. That group of sons of bitches are for real. This is a beast that has to be stopped by any means because they will bring their ruthless fight to us. Lock up our borders. I understand that there are a lot of people south of us that just want the American Dream, but we have to understand that it isn't the pursuit of the American Dream that these assholes are pursing. They are hell bent on blowing the AD up city by city. If there as ever been a time to get our immigration system shored up, this may be it. And I am not advocating racial profiling because the last two photos I have seen of would be "freedom fighters" from America showed a kid that could have graduated with Jacob and a loser that could have worked at McDonalds for $7.50 an hour. Many of ISIS are well educated, well off men. I suppose a fair number are looking for adventure, but most are looking for their 72 virgins post AD destruction. This is no time for pansy assed diplomacy. I don't think this is the time to worry about racial profiling or religious persecution or any of the ACLU touchy feely crap. This is the time to pull up our big kid pants and double tap those sons of bitches.
Let's not forget that these SOB's do not advocate an education for women. They have no regard for the history of the region. They believe that it is their way or the no way. It is times like this that I am reminded of the great American poet, Toby Keith. "This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage." I think two beheadings is more than a rattle. It's gonna get ugly, that's for damn sure.
I truly know nothing about the Ukraine. I know Putin looks like the evil mastermind in just about every spy movie I have ever watched. He's tricky.
Lastly, there is my thoughts on store receipt surveys. It has come to my attention that jobs have been threatened by various corporations because not enough customers/patients/clients are responding to the surveys. This is ridiculous. I am a letter writer. Some folks around these parts call me "Johnny Letter" and I let them. I write (email) companies all the time. Give me great service and I am excited to let the big guys know. I think they usually just hear the bad so I like to toot the horn of positivity! Piss me off and it's on. Make one disparaging remark about my dog and I expecting a gift card or three. But if you give me just regular, run of the mill service than I am going to not email or call because you did what was expected- nothing more or less. But now that I have learned that this threat hangs over the already over burdened heads of store managers, I am a survey taking fool. No one should feel like they may lose their job because John Q. Public does not want to press 9 on his mobile for six to eight minutes with the very slim chance of winning a gift card, or getting five dollars off a purchase of $25 or more or getting free fries and drink (oh wait, I do want that one). John Q. Public wants to get in, get his stuff, get good service and get going. Who are these fucks in upper floors and where do they get these asinine ideas. I know for damn sure that they aren't filling out surveys. Nor are they offering surveys on themselves.
Woo! Feels good to get that off my chest. I'm out.
Oh, I didn't proof read either.
So as the title tells you, I'm not fact checking. These are my opinions that I offer and not so humbly so.
The ebola virus. That shit is for real. I don't understand why we cannot air drop a hundred thousand boxes of gloves? Pony up Walgreens. That is not even $10,000 retail. I am sure that Angelina Jolie would foot the bill for the flight, Bill Gates could cover the parachute. Seriously, when the clinic sink consists of two five gallon buckets and a bottle of bleach, we need to help out. This isn't only Africa's problem anymore. There is a third American victim to be hospitalized in Omaha. Why Omaha? If the CDC hospital already treated two people successfully, maybe they should continue. Minimize the risk of people freaking out (Trump). I kid you not though, I am washing my hands just a little more these days and wiping down the counters. I don't make it a habit of touching other people's bodily fluids but it still is a little crazy to have a disease like this just down the road. All seems very zombie-esque.
CVS doesn't sell cigarettes anymore! Hooray for CVS. They have also changed their name to CVS Health. I like that stand that they have taken. I suppose they will lose some money not that there is much mark up in smokes. It is mostly kick backs from the tobacco companies. But giving up that kick back also means they give up dealing with tobacco stings and the fines that can follow. They may have a little less employee turn over if they don't have to fire someone for failing a sting which equals less training expense with new hire. They will not have to deal with tobacco reps which seem to be some of the nastiest reps in the retail world. There will be less man hours spent on checking in, counting and filling of cigarettes and most importantly, there will no longer be the pain in the ass dealings with people who forgot their ID, have their money in the bar or shoe or meth laced pockets. There will no longer be that POS that throws a brick through the front door to load up on Marlboro Golds in the hard pack. Thumbs up CVS.
McDonalds employees want $15 an hour. That seems fair. Thirty three percent of my orders have not been correct. You should earn that much. OR you get minimum wage, which sucks. Then you show up to work clean and on time. You are pleasant to the customer, get the order right, do the job without complaint and earn more based on your merit. I love that idea! Granted, the current wage of $7.50 is not enough to live off of if you are the sole bread winner for a family of four, but it is plenty to live off of if you are 16. And please don't give me the argument that the wage should be based on age because I can show you many cases where the 16 year old worked harder and better than the adult.
And if the wage is increased, what happens to people like me that are making a living wage, have put in the time and nurtured the talent? Will I get an increase as well? Will my wage double? Probably not. The gap between a new employee and a seasoned one will tighten. The old timers will get pissed having to do more for less. I know I will. And retailers will probably raise the prices to cover this increase in wage. I cannot imagine paying $8 for a quarter pounder meal, no pickle or onion with a sweet tea, no ice just so anyone can make $15 an hour to start at McDonalds.
ISIS. That group of sons of bitches are for real. This is a beast that has to be stopped by any means because they will bring their ruthless fight to us. Lock up our borders. I understand that there are a lot of people south of us that just want the American Dream, but we have to understand that it isn't the pursuit of the American Dream that these assholes are pursing. They are hell bent on blowing the AD up city by city. If there as ever been a time to get our immigration system shored up, this may be it. And I am not advocating racial profiling because the last two photos I have seen of would be "freedom fighters" from America showed a kid that could have graduated with Jacob and a loser that could have worked at McDonalds for $7.50 an hour. Many of ISIS are well educated, well off men. I suppose a fair number are looking for adventure, but most are looking for their 72 virgins post AD destruction. This is no time for pansy assed diplomacy. I don't think this is the time to worry about racial profiling or religious persecution or any of the ACLU touchy feely crap. This is the time to pull up our big kid pants and double tap those sons of bitches.
Let's not forget that these SOB's do not advocate an education for women. They have no regard for the history of the region. They believe that it is their way or the no way. It is times like this that I am reminded of the great American poet, Toby Keith. "This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage." I think two beheadings is more than a rattle. It's gonna get ugly, that's for damn sure.
I truly know nothing about the Ukraine. I know Putin looks like the evil mastermind in just about every spy movie I have ever watched. He's tricky.
Lastly, there is my thoughts on store receipt surveys. It has come to my attention that jobs have been threatened by various corporations because not enough customers/patients/clients are responding to the surveys. This is ridiculous. I am a letter writer. Some folks around these parts call me "Johnny Letter" and I let them. I write (email) companies all the time. Give me great service and I am excited to let the big guys know. I think they usually just hear the bad so I like to toot the horn of positivity! Piss me off and it's on. Make one disparaging remark about my dog and I expecting a gift card or three. But if you give me just regular, run of the mill service than I am going to not email or call because you did what was expected- nothing more or less. But now that I have learned that this threat hangs over the already over burdened heads of store managers, I am a survey taking fool. No one should feel like they may lose their job because John Q. Public does not want to press 9 on his mobile for six to eight minutes with the very slim chance of winning a gift card, or getting five dollars off a purchase of $25 or more or getting free fries and drink (oh wait, I do want that one). John Q. Public wants to get in, get his stuff, get good service and get going. Who are these fucks in upper floors and where do they get these asinine ideas. I know for damn sure that they aren't filling out surveys. Nor are they offering surveys on themselves.
Woo! Feels good to get that off my chest. I'm out.
Oh, I didn't proof read either.
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