So it has been a week since my visit to the medium. The same amount of time has passed since my last breakdown as well. I am still taking into consideration what was shared with me that evening. Some of it is fairly tongue in cheek, some far more seriously. It helps tremendously that I have this outlet and the outlet of those that know me to bounce these thoughts off of.
Interestedly, many were ready to completely disregard what this person had to say because it didn't mirror their own experience or they didn't believe. Well, this is mine and it isn't really up to you to decide what happened was real or true or accurate. I cannot really explain, but I know what was true and as I still process, I can make sense of most of what was said. Her feelings about Danny were off. He does like things a certain way when it pertains to his jobs. That was accurate, but in our relationship there has never been a sense of me giving up anything for him. Unless one wants to describe a grand adventure as giving up.
There was the misunderstanding that all of my angst last week was caused by what the medium said. That really isn't true. My angst really stemmed from knowing that as I was read, what was read was still unwritten. Does that make sense? I believe that this person was able to see into me, got a feel of how I feel. She clearly saw that I am not where I want to be. Potential, it seems, is a loaded word. The medium didn't make me feel bad about myself. I felt that way going in, she just pulled those feelings up to the surface. I know that there is something in me that wants to come forward but I can't seem to figure out what that something is. I know that I wanted the medium to be able to see that. But that is my mystery to solve. Challenge accepted. I have books to read and other avenues to explore.
Potential.
I used to really enjoy my job when I was in inventory control. I was good at it and it was a pretty black and white type of job. Scientific even. Selling cosmetics is many colors and I am not so good at it. I could easily retain what I learned in my old position. I do not retain the information I learn in this position. That is frustrating. It isn't that I am not good at my job, it just isn't the type of job I am wired for. But there is that acceptance now that this job is a means to an end. Usually a weekend. This job pays me well enough to enjoy the life I have away from the drugstore.
It feels really good to finally put that into its proper place. Remind me of that when I want to bitch about my job again.
Someone had commented that someday I would realize that my loved ones were in a good place, or something like that. I know where my mom is. I don't question her presence in heaven. That is one of the things I am sure of in my life. Wanting to talk to my mom through the medium was not about finding out if my mom was ok, it was about having one last meaningful conversation with her. I don't remember the last time we spoke as mom and daughter. I remember the last meaningful conversation that we had though. It was my sister, Sheila's wedding. My mom did not recognize me. Sheila talked her through her children, (Bobby, Crissy, Dicky, Sheila, Annie) which had always worked in the past, but this time when Sheila got to Annie, the blank look in my mom's eyes didn't leave. Like the photo in Back to the Future, I had faded away from her memory. I don't know that I will ever make peace with that day. I don't know how anyone can expect me to. And I know that a medium could give me some very generic words of love and pride, but maybe my mom will really come forward and I will get one more chance. Maybe she will use a phrase from my childhood. Maybe. A lot of people have had signs and messages from beyond the grave, am I selfish for wanting mine?
I don't know quite how I feel about reincarnation. But I am having so much fun with my past lives that I don't intend to let them go. Just as people can glean the deeper meaning out of the bible or philosophy texts, I am gleaning the deeper meaning out of my past lives and the additional information she shared with me. If the Lord communicated through dreams and bushes, why can't He also communicate through gifted people? Was a scientist or a healer? Sure! Why not! And if I wasn't, and choose to believe that I was, where is the harm in that? Call me crazy, you probably do anyway.
Oh, potential. I have got a plan for that.
The whole point of the medium, if I am going to be completely honest, was to talk to my dogs. For whatever reason, the expectations that I put on human relationships I never put on the canine ones. I could love them unconditionally without reading into everything. I was always at ease with them (except when I was walking Harlow). I was always myself with them. I always felt safe with them. I don't know if I ever properly thanked them for being my best friends. And secretly, I wanted to ask them to guide my next friend to me. When I hit my low, which happens from time to time, these pups never judged, they never glanced at the scars, they never rolled their eyes. In fact, when I hit the low, they sought me out and put their giant heads on me, taking away some of the weight from my heart in the process. I just wanted to say thanks. That's all.
I feel so much better now. I will go to another medium. I will keep looking for whatever it is I am looking for. I will keep blogging about it. Tapping into my potential.
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