So I can spend much of my day blowing holes in last night's experience. I can go on and on about how ridiculous it is that I would believe I was a scientist. It is the scientist part I am having a hard time with, not the living on Atlantis. I mean, someone had to live on Atlantis, so why not a former me, but scientist. I flunked chemistry my junior year. I think if I were a scientist on Atlantis, then I could have pushed my way through junior year chem. Of course, I did miss a week of school that year due to my extra curricular activities so my time on Atlantis really wouldn't have come into play. But then again, why couldn't I have been a scientist. A mad one at that.
Anyway, I have to decide what I believe. Do I believe in reincarnation? I don't know. I did have deja vu with my cat once. If I believe in reincarnation than I do believe that the essence of one life would follow to the next. But that also means that I don't believe that the soul immediately goes to heaven. Or maybe the soul multiplies like a single celled amoeba having sex. I don't know. Is this all there is? Is this enough? Is heaven the ultimate goal or is it ashes to ashes and just dust to dust?
Last night began with the medium reading me and opening me up. It was then that she discovered my past. I can take that or leave that. It is fun, it is interesting, it is possible.
I just keep going back to two things that we discussed last night-
My potential. Oh come on, let this go already.
My faith. Yes, we are back to that again.
Does God have a plan for me? Well everyone seems to think so because they say shit like "it is all part of God's plan" or "It wasn't part of God's plan." Tie that up neatly with living to one's potential and worse, that I am living to my potential and I have to wonder why God and I have so little faith in me. If this, and by this, I mean my job, is my potential.
Yes, I am a good wife and fine mother. I am assuming that actually. Danny says nice things about me and stuff, but I can't be really sure. And the kinder do give me hugs and send me texts and get me the perfect gifts. So I must be solid there. And I don't feel like that woman that wonders "is this all there is?" Because I know, for as kick ass wife and mothering is, that isn't all there is and I have never felt like it was or had to be. I have spent a great deal of my life identifying as White's Wife or Ashlyn, Hayley, Jacob's mom. So when the medium talked about me being more than that, I didn't feel like I was being slighted. I am a wife and mom, I identify with that but
This is the most ridiculous first world problem ever. I realize that. And you are all fools to read this utter nonsense but because I have sloppy handwriting and I like the sound of typing, I am going to keep on with this blog. You have been warned. Keep reading. Follow my s
Holy shit! No wonder I don't like open water. I was probably on Atlantis when it sunk in the ocean. It makes perfect sense
As I was saying...
Follow my slow decent into madness.
A writer. You should be a writer. I heard that a lot when I wrote the Ashlyn Alerts many years ago. I am a writer. I am not published. No one is buying my work. I am not holding book signings. But I am a writer. I don't pursue the published writer path for many reasons. I have no idea. I love to write like this, just off the cuff with little sense. I have yet to find a subject that I can turn into something more. I don't want the rejection. I am terrified of the rejection. Getting published is no easy feat. I have researched it. I could probably do pretty well with a historical romance, heavy on the petting and light on the historical. Penthouse Forum is always publishing but I don't think they do book signings. All the good wizard, vampire, new world order themed books have been written. Not that I could have thought of any of those. Maybe I will look up to the clouds and find an idea for my novel. Seriously, it may be as easy as that.
I don't think I have used the F word yet in this piece. I am coming to terms with this experience.
The medium did not make me feel less for myself. What is so difficult is to have someone else recognize the struggle that I am having. That makes it real. That is what hurt so much is that I can hide this huge self worth issue from myself, but I can't hide it from someone that is gifted to see inside me. Does that make sense?
Our time ran short and we didn't get to talk much about God. Why is this relationship with God so hard for me? Jesus, just help a sister out! Funny how the more I search for answers the more fucked up I become. BUT my chakra is wide open and that is a good thing.
You are all very sweet to take this ride with me. It is long and rambling and is just how I am going to have to get there. I am not done looking for answers. I may start looking in some odd places. I am still looking for signs and am just a little peeved that God doesn't show up Old Testament style with a burning bush because honestly, I could use a shrub on fire right about now.
Oh, I was a healer. And I feel so broken now.
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