My Visit to the Medium

Not a God Damn Thing. 
I went to a medium tonight with the hopes of talking to my mom, my husband's grandmother and my dogs.  That's all.  I just wanted to know that all in the afterlife was cool.  I wanted to know that my dogs were together and that they were still lolloping about the yard.  That's all. 
But Fuck No!  I learned about some past lives.  And yes, I believe in past lives.  I don't know if these were my lives but let's go with it. 
I was a scientist on Atlantis.  I worked for the good of humankind.  Too bad I was on a sinking ship, so to speak.  I was a man.  Very analytical.
I was a native American warrior.  I was young.  I would watch the clouds for solutions to my problems.  I don't watch the clouds much now, sometimes when I am in the pool, but I am not usually looking for answers.
I was a writer in Connecticut.  My name was Willa or Wilma.  I wrote about the things I wanted to do.  My husband died in his fifties and I lived a long life without him.
My Grandma Martin was present.  She didn't talk to me, just asked the medium some questions about what was going on.  I have no reason to doubt it.  In life, she wanted to know what was happening in other people's lives.  Not as a gossip, just as a well informed observer.  I did not have a sense of her being there.
Man, I really weighed going.  After Crissy shared her experience, I wanted to go.  I wanted to have some earth shaking, heart lifting moment.  But I was afraid.  I was afraid that Mom wouldn't be there or would say something disapproving.  But I didn't expect this.
How many times can I use the word FUCK in this essay to express my feelings?  I hope I was a better writer in Connecticut than I am here today.  I cannot even find the words to describe how I am feeling.  Empty.  Fucking empty.  That's better. 
It appears that I am audio clairvoyant.  I don't want to lay quietly at night and learn the house sounds so that I may hear the voices.  I don't ever recall hearing my name when no one was around.  I do see the flashes of blond and fawn in the yard.  I do not hear their barks or yawns. 
I was a healer.  In a past life.  I do not want to be part of the medical world now.  Not one little bit.
In this life I am not living to my potential.  Seriously?  Like selling beauty supplies is any one's potential.  But I really didn't need someone to remind me of this two months before my 45th birthday.  Potential ship has already sailed.  I have struggled and prayed and searched for what I was meant to do and have never felt a pull or saw a sign or heard a whisper.  I don't want to start over.  I don't want to keep being reminded that there was more for me and I somehow missed it.
I just wanted some peace in my struggle with faith.  I wanted to know that my dogs were ok.  I wanted to know I wasn't crazy when I imagined that Rita found Lucy on that awful day six years ago. 
My crown chakra is wide open.  That is where the god is.  I am very spiritual.  I don't feel very spiritual.  I feel...
It is unbelievable to me that I am this upset.  That this reading has left me feeling so terribly alone.  I cannot find a better word for it. 
I am supposed to make a change.  In fact I cannot go back to her until I do.  But what kind of change?  I am tired of looking.  I am tired of feeling like this is the best I am going to be.   I am just worn out.  Unreal how exhausted I feel.  And the shit of it is is that I don't have any place to go to get any more answers. 
Scorpios apparently feel more deeply.  I always thought I was good at shutting feelings off.   I wish I were still that analytical scientist. 
I am not even going to proof read this.  My sweet ramblings of a night gone terribly off course. 
And I don't dismiss this night as craziness or tom foolery.  I know there is truth to a lot of what was said.  Or maybe this was my visit to the wizard.
Yeah, I don't know.  I am exhausted.