Hey resolution time! Yeah, you with the huge expectations. I'm talking to you. And I am telling, not this time. I resolve nothing. I have done enough resolving in previous years so I see no need to create more burdens on my heart and head. I'm just going to keep keeping on. And if my history teaches me anything, there will be days where I will proclaim that I am done. Done with being fat or sad or pissed off and I will be done for days or weeks or even a couple months and then something happens and I'll be back to being fat or sad or pissed off. And that's alright, it is me and I am not interested in changing me too very much.
This past year was very unsettled in our hearts and it was difficult.
Danny, after so many years of using his body to save the world in many different aspects, injured his back. Months of trying to find a treatment that would work has led us to surgery and the hopes that the pain will be minimized. THe chiropractor took a lot of time with Danny explaining what happened and in that conversation said that sometime in the past 35 years, Danny injured his back and over the years, it finally gave. Sometime... parcoring (before it was a word) across downtown Cedar Rapids, humping across the deserts of Saudi Arabia, jumpin out of airplanes, backpacking across Iraq with half his body weight strapped to his body, wearing a vest and belt for ten years getting in and out of a crown vic, chasing down the bad guy, doing the Danny drop. Yeah, sometime in all that, an injury occurred.
As a mom, it was tough to watch the kinder muddle through all that 2018 did and didn't have to offer. I am very proud of them in undescribable ways as they make the make forward. Adults, sure, but there have been some very sweet moments, especially in these past few months, that have showed me the kids they once were. And I couldn't been more proud of them as they measure their successes not in dollars but in satisfactions and joys. What they are now is not so much from what Danny and I did as parents but from what they have learned as adults, adulting.
Me, I made all kinds of resolutions in 2018 and yeah, I worked out, but not always. I made a real go of this little business of mine and I am finding my way and it is wonderful. Loomies Rugs LLC is the most wonderful little business and the support I have received my from family and friends makes my heart so happy. I did not make the transition to pharmacy at work and that's fine. I am particularly good at putting stuff on a shelf so I keep at that.
I tried to let go of IT. It, that all encompassing word, not the clown in the sewer. It has been a little group of emotions that are primarily grief and pissed. A huge thank you to my friends that have allowed me to hash and rehash IT, I may be over IT! Wouldn't that be exciting. I've read about being a toxic person and maybe that is a resolution, to stop being an asshole. I have struggled with letting go with the crimes committed against me, real and perceived. I've done a really good job of playing the victim. I understand why people want a sharp knife for a clean cut. A dull knife leaves a lot of jagged edges that just don't heal properly and that applies to people as well. If you intend to go about inflicting injury on people, at least be sharp not dull. Oh wait, that is me being an asshole again, good thing it isn't the new year yet.
I wish you all a very bright and beautiful new year. May your IT be over and may your happiness be overflowing. Cheers 2019!!!
Monday, December 31, 2018
Wednesday, December 12, 2018
An Agnostic Christmas
My heart has changed over the course of the past year but I wasn't really realizing it until the annual appeal came in the mail from the church I belonged to. I could tell by the amount tithed in 2018, I had not been to mass in a very long time. In fact, the last mass I remember was in July in Cedar Rapids, said for my dad. I had stopped going to mass for no real reason, but as I read the tithing appeal, I realized that I could no longer give to the Catholic Church. I couldn't trust them with my money. I couldn't be certain that none of my dollars were in any way supporting a sex offender, a predator against children, a person that was systematically protected by an organization that should have done the very opposite. (I just read an article about two nuns that embezzled $50,000 from the school they principled and taught at, the diocese was not going to press charges because the sisters showed remorse, more protection.) And with that thought came the realization that I can't expect that same organization to support me, I couldn't just show up and use the facilities etc when I had the means to donate but chose not to.
And in no way is any one parish to blame. St. Francis, the church I most frequented and belonged to, made me welcome. Though it has a huge membership, there were so many options for someone to get involved and feel a part of the place. Though it never felt like Immaculate Conception, and really, what parish could, it was and is a welcoming place. It saddens me to know that I will not have a Catholic funeral mass. I find that particular mass the most comforting, the most beautiful send off. And yet, I am not Catholic and I cannot pick and choose what I want to follow and use. So I did a little web search and this is one of the site's list of requirements to be Catholic. I fail miserably on many of these bullet points and I am pro choice. That seems like an immediate exclusion from Catholic life and I completely agree that all life is sacred. I am just not willing to give up the desire for abortion to remain legal. (And I have had every argument presented to me on this subject and my mind does not waiver.)
The website stated as a Catholic, basically you're required to live a Christian life, pray daily, participate in the sacraments, obey moral law, and accept the teachings of Christ and his Church. I can follow Christ's teachings, or at least try to, but the teachings of the church is where I stumble. There is a long history of corruption, greed and abuse in the church, how can I follow any of what they say when they cannot follow it? Even now, we are still learning about cases of abuse that happened in this century.
-Attend Mass every Sunday and holy day of obligation. Well, I am obviously not doing that. I am not even attending Mass once a month. And I have heard the argument frequently that I don't need to be in a church to worship God and that is correct, but I do need to be in church to be Catholic. Like I need to be in class to be a student. Or at work to be an employee.
-Go to confession annually if not more often or when needed. I cannot say with certainty the last time I went to confession. Oh, I love the sacrament and don't have issue going, it is the cheapest therapy session I know, I just am too lazy to go. And yet, I would receive eucharist knowing that I wasn't supposed to because I hadn't been to confession. Again, confession is not required for my sins to be forgiven, I know that, but receiving the sacrament annually is required for continued Catholicism.
-receiving Holy Communion during Easter. Receiving weekly or daily is encouraged, though. Can't receive if I don't go. Oddly, for all the laws and beliefs that I have an issue with, Holy Communion is not one of them. Believing that Christ's blood and body were/are present in the eucharist has always been easy for me to accept. And I always thought it so interesting that so many other Christian religions that take far more of the bible literally did not take the events of the last supper literally and believe that the Eucharist is merely a symbol of the body and blood of Christ. But again, it shouldn't matter to me what another faith believes as I become agnostic.
-Observe laws on fasting and abstinence: one full meal on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday; not eating meat on Fridays during Lent. Well, I don't. I absolutely suck at fasting. Tell me I can't eat something and all of a sudden that is all I want. This past Lenten period, my muslim friend made plenty of fun of me for not being able to get through a Friday when he fasts during all of Ramadan. There is some serious fasting in that religion. No Thanks!
-Obey the marriage laws of the Church. I am pretty sure I hit this one on the nose. Except for the obey part. Neither Danny or I do much of that.
-Support the Church financially and otherwise. Well, I have already touched on this one in the beginning. I don't tithe anymore. When I was going to mass, it was $10 in the basket, but I would also claim it on my taxes so it wasn't exactly a free gift from the heart. And after the most recent comments made by Pope Francis regarding homosexuals that he made in an interview for a book to be soon published, "He urged homosexuals who are already priests or nuns to be celibate and responsible to avoid creating scandal." /www.nbcnews.com/news/religion/pope-francis-says-he-s-worried-about-homosexuality-priesthood-n942726. While reading this, I wondered one thing, did Pope Francis believe that because someone was homosexual, meaning that they were attracted to a member of their same sex as opposed to a heterosexual, someone attracted to a member of the opposite sex, they could not take a vow of celibacy and maintain that vow? Because let's not confuse things here one bit. Homosexuality is in no way responsible for the actions taken by members of the church that preyed upon children and young people for their own needs. Those that commited sexual assaults against children and young people did so for no other reason than that they could not control themselves. Those people used their position of trust and power to prey upon the most vulnerable and were then protected and supported by the Church. Pope Francis's words left me saddened for every person that wants to be accepted into the church and then hears those words that imply their sexuality makes them less moral or ethical. A person chooses a life of celibacy regardless of their sexual preference. And the scandals created in the past were by priests and bishops and cardinals that were protecting criminals. FFS if my parish priest chooses to have an affair with another consenting adult, be it hetero or homosexual, that is not a scandal compared to hundreds of, wait thousands of children being assaulted sexually be people representing Christ. Don't get me wrong, the aforementioned affair would certainly be interesting as far as nosey human interest goes, but it would not be a scandal that ruined the lives of children and that required the hard earn money of parishioners to be used as hush money.
So that's how I came to realize I was no longer Catholic. And I am sad for it. I love the Catholic mass. I love the rituals and meanings behind all the small actions. I love the huge monuments built to honor Christ (and to show off to the neighboring bishop). I love the art and pageantry. I love the blue shirts and khaki pants and plaid skirts of the students. I will always remember fondly the Catholic Church of my youth with IC school, bazaars, KofC 909 fish fries and steak fries. But I am no longer there.
And with that, I started to question my faith. And this is where is all gets very muddled and tricky.
I separate God and Jesus. I know the one in three persons deal, and I don't know how that works exactly, but for my purposes, I am separating God and Jesus and here's why. Jesus is legit. Everything I can read about him in the bible adds up. He's a good guy who walks the walk He know what Jesus would do and does it. And Jesus' message is clear. Love your neighbor, help the poor, don't be an ass. God, on the other hand, has no clear message. Don't get a tattoo, sacrifice your baby, don't eat shellfish.
Trust in me. That's where He got me. I started trusting and I started leaving it up to Him and I saw no change, or the change I saw was worse. And I'm not talking about winning the lottery prayers. I am talking about reading about all these people trying to make the world better in a million ways and nothing comes to fruition. I am talking about the ridiculousness in refusing plastic straws and carrying my own bags when the earth is dying around us and yet we were called upon to be stewards and all the stewards are just hitting these political walls. I am talking about these organizations desperately trying to feed babies in Yemen and the convoys are stolen or destroyed. And I ask why in the word should I trust You? What is to be gained from it? I am no worse off to refuse my straws and donate to relief organizations without looking to a higher power for hope and help. Is it absolutely ridiculous of me to want to see your work in action? I don't think so. I feel like the only time I see "God's work" is when one religion is attacking another or one group is protesting another group and I don't think either of those is what "God's work" is supposed to be.
"It's God's Will" Ah, yes, that is a classic stand by. And we are not to understand why it is His will or in His plan or any other thing. There is a movement of people that believe that the government does not want to fund better education for its population because uneducated people are easier to control. That same philosophy certainly could be applied to the teachings about God. People have created this huge, hulking power that we are to fear. If we fear, we probably won't challenge. Reading the Old Testament, it certainly feels like we should fear.
Let me ask you this, Am I any worse for wear if I do not worship God? Will I go to hell? Possibly, but depending on your belief system, heaven may only have a limited number of rooms available anyway. According to Revelation 7:4, 144,000 people will be headed home and the rest? Now, the argument there is that this was written in a time... The whole bible was written in a time ... I absolutely struggle with people taking one piece as fact and another as rumor and a third as a lesson meant to teach us. Generally we take the facts to fit our own needs, rumor to dispel our sins and lessons to explain something we don't really want to follow anyway. For example, I cannot eat shellfish, the bible says so. But I can get tattoos because the bible was written when non believers would have tattoos. And the 144,000 going to heaven was a story that had to do with the 12 tribes of Israel and was written before new math. But if everything is literal, there are not going to be very many people in heaven, yet we were told to be fruitful and multiply. It makes zero sense!
Not believing or worshipping or even honoring God doesn't change who I am other than the fact that I have a tattoo I need covered. I still do good stuff, I am still a relatively good person, I still donate my dollars but I do all those not because of God but because I want this world to be better. And with God, it hasn't gotten any better so why should I put for that extra effort on Him when I could use it to make a change that is here and now?
If I want to believe that God is responsible for Danny's safe return home from Iraq or Ashlyn's cure of cancer then I have to believe that He is also responsible for the death of everyone that didn't come home. I have to believe He is to blame for the death of those not cured. He has to be present in the action and reaction. Danny was primarily responsible for his safe return home and Ashlyn's cure was because of science and the way her body responded to treatment. Sure you can argue that those doctors got their big brains from God, but they chose to use them. Free will and God's plan can't be used in the same argument.
Funny thing is, crosses are still a big part of my home decorating. I have many, crosses and crucifixes. I will still collect them on my travels because they are beautiful and the cross symbol has been around for a every long time, so it doesn't have to be religious. And during the holidays, I am still unpacking many nativity sets. And I still want more. There are some beautiful nativities carved in Bethlehem and I would love to have one because it is hand made by Christians in Bethlehem, a group of people I want to support and the craftsmanship is amazing. Christmas time is full of symbols that I don't understand or know the meaning of, even the time of year we celebrate the birth of Jesus was chosen because people were already celebrating the winter solstice and it was easier to introduce another celebration that used many of the same symbols. If we believe the nativity story, and the other clues presented in the bible, Jesus would have been born in September or October.
And yes, I will wish you a Merry Christmas. And you will probably wish me a Merry Christmas as well and I will take no offense because that would be dumb. You can pray for me if you like, but I will not pray for you because I am not positive in the purpose and do you really want someone of less faith praying for you? Though out of habit, I still find myself saying prayers to myself when the ambulance drives by. I still believe Mom and Dad are in heaven. I absolutely believe that your beliefs are right and true for you (mostly).
Last week a very emotional woman was in the store. She talked to me for quite awhile in the aisle and then again at the check out. She did a lot of stops and starts in her sentences, never quite saying what she wanted and there were tears in her eyes. I followed her outside just to be sure she was ok. And I offered her a hug. She came back to the store later with two flowers for me and a thank you note. The note said something about Jesus putting me there for her. I don't know if that's true but I know it doesn't matter if it is. Jesus didn't compel me to be kind or to offer her a hug. Jesus didn't put Barron between me and the harm I was going to cause. Jesus didn't give me two daughters with compatible blood types, and if he did, why didn't he give compatible blood types to other sisters? It's all just how it happened. The earth rotates, sometimes it rains, people are kind, people are assholes, dogs are really good at reading people but don't live nearly long enough, shit happens.
This may all be a phase. I've gone through phases before. I was once trying to be an educated Catholic, that backfired. I once tried to be a devote rosary sayer, I was lazy. I looked into Eastern religions but don't have the self discipline. So agnostic it is. And a cover up tattoo.
Romans 14:1.
And in no way is any one parish to blame. St. Francis, the church I most frequented and belonged to, made me welcome. Though it has a huge membership, there were so many options for someone to get involved and feel a part of the place. Though it never felt like Immaculate Conception, and really, what parish could, it was and is a welcoming place. It saddens me to know that I will not have a Catholic funeral mass. I find that particular mass the most comforting, the most beautiful send off. And yet, I am not Catholic and I cannot pick and choose what I want to follow and use. So I did a little web search and this is one of the site's list of requirements to be Catholic. I fail miserably on many of these bullet points and I am pro choice. That seems like an immediate exclusion from Catholic life and I completely agree that all life is sacred. I am just not willing to give up the desire for abortion to remain legal. (And I have had every argument presented to me on this subject and my mind does not waiver.)
The website stated as a Catholic, basically you're required to live a Christian life, pray daily, participate in the sacraments, obey moral law, and accept the teachings of Christ and his Church. I can follow Christ's teachings, or at least try to, but the teachings of the church is where I stumble. There is a long history of corruption, greed and abuse in the church, how can I follow any of what they say when they cannot follow it? Even now, we are still learning about cases of abuse that happened in this century.
-Attend Mass every Sunday and holy day of obligation. Well, I am obviously not doing that. I am not even attending Mass once a month. And I have heard the argument frequently that I don't need to be in a church to worship God and that is correct, but I do need to be in church to be Catholic. Like I need to be in class to be a student. Or at work to be an employee.
-Go to confession annually if not more often or when needed. I cannot say with certainty the last time I went to confession. Oh, I love the sacrament and don't have issue going, it is the cheapest therapy session I know, I just am too lazy to go. And yet, I would receive eucharist knowing that I wasn't supposed to because I hadn't been to confession. Again, confession is not required for my sins to be forgiven, I know that, but receiving the sacrament annually is required for continued Catholicism.
-receiving Holy Communion during Easter. Receiving weekly or daily is encouraged, though. Can't receive if I don't go. Oddly, for all the laws and beliefs that I have an issue with, Holy Communion is not one of them. Believing that Christ's blood and body were/are present in the eucharist has always been easy for me to accept. And I always thought it so interesting that so many other Christian religions that take far more of the bible literally did not take the events of the last supper literally and believe that the Eucharist is merely a symbol of the body and blood of Christ. But again, it shouldn't matter to me what another faith believes as I become agnostic.
-Observe laws on fasting and abstinence: one full meal on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday; not eating meat on Fridays during Lent. Well, I don't. I absolutely suck at fasting. Tell me I can't eat something and all of a sudden that is all I want. This past Lenten period, my muslim friend made plenty of fun of me for not being able to get through a Friday when he fasts during all of Ramadan. There is some serious fasting in that religion. No Thanks!
-Obey the marriage laws of the Church. I am pretty sure I hit this one on the nose. Except for the obey part. Neither Danny or I do much of that.
-Support the Church financially and otherwise. Well, I have already touched on this one in the beginning. I don't tithe anymore. When I was going to mass, it was $10 in the basket, but I would also claim it on my taxes so it wasn't exactly a free gift from the heart. And after the most recent comments made by Pope Francis regarding homosexuals that he made in an interview for a book to be soon published, "He urged homosexuals who are already priests or nuns to be celibate and responsible to avoid creating scandal." /www.nbcnews.com/news/religion/pope-francis-says-he-s-worried-about-homosexuality-priesthood-n942726. While reading this, I wondered one thing, did Pope Francis believe that because someone was homosexual, meaning that they were attracted to a member of their same sex as opposed to a heterosexual, someone attracted to a member of the opposite sex, they could not take a vow of celibacy and maintain that vow? Because let's not confuse things here one bit. Homosexuality is in no way responsible for the actions taken by members of the church that preyed upon children and young people for their own needs. Those that commited sexual assaults against children and young people did so for no other reason than that they could not control themselves. Those people used their position of trust and power to prey upon the most vulnerable and were then protected and supported by the Church. Pope Francis's words left me saddened for every person that wants to be accepted into the church and then hears those words that imply their sexuality makes them less moral or ethical. A person chooses a life of celibacy regardless of their sexual preference. And the scandals created in the past were by priests and bishops and cardinals that were protecting criminals. FFS if my parish priest chooses to have an affair with another consenting adult, be it hetero or homosexual, that is not a scandal compared to hundreds of, wait thousands of children being assaulted sexually be people representing Christ. Don't get me wrong, the aforementioned affair would certainly be interesting as far as nosey human interest goes, but it would not be a scandal that ruined the lives of children and that required the hard earn money of parishioners to be used as hush money.
So that's how I came to realize I was no longer Catholic. And I am sad for it. I love the Catholic mass. I love the rituals and meanings behind all the small actions. I love the huge monuments built to honor Christ (and to show off to the neighboring bishop). I love the art and pageantry. I love the blue shirts and khaki pants and plaid skirts of the students. I will always remember fondly the Catholic Church of my youth with IC school, bazaars, KofC 909 fish fries and steak fries. But I am no longer there.
And with that, I started to question my faith. And this is where is all gets very muddled and tricky.
I separate God and Jesus. I know the one in three persons deal, and I don't know how that works exactly, but for my purposes, I am separating God and Jesus and here's why. Jesus is legit. Everything I can read about him in the bible adds up. He's a good guy who walks the walk He know what Jesus would do and does it. And Jesus' message is clear. Love your neighbor, help the poor, don't be an ass. God, on the other hand, has no clear message. Don't get a tattoo, sacrifice your baby, don't eat shellfish.
Trust in me. That's where He got me. I started trusting and I started leaving it up to Him and I saw no change, or the change I saw was worse. And I'm not talking about winning the lottery prayers. I am talking about reading about all these people trying to make the world better in a million ways and nothing comes to fruition. I am talking about the ridiculousness in refusing plastic straws and carrying my own bags when the earth is dying around us and yet we were called upon to be stewards and all the stewards are just hitting these political walls. I am talking about these organizations desperately trying to feed babies in Yemen and the convoys are stolen or destroyed. And I ask why in the word should I trust You? What is to be gained from it? I am no worse off to refuse my straws and donate to relief organizations without looking to a higher power for hope and help. Is it absolutely ridiculous of me to want to see your work in action? I don't think so. I feel like the only time I see "God's work" is when one religion is attacking another or one group is protesting another group and I don't think either of those is what "God's work" is supposed to be.
"It's God's Will" Ah, yes, that is a classic stand by. And we are not to understand why it is His will or in His plan or any other thing. There is a movement of people that believe that the government does not want to fund better education for its population because uneducated people are easier to control. That same philosophy certainly could be applied to the teachings about God. People have created this huge, hulking power that we are to fear. If we fear, we probably won't challenge. Reading the Old Testament, it certainly feels like we should fear.
Let me ask you this, Am I any worse for wear if I do not worship God? Will I go to hell? Possibly, but depending on your belief system, heaven may only have a limited number of rooms available anyway. According to Revelation 7:4, 144,000 people will be headed home and the rest? Now, the argument there is that this was written in a time... The whole bible was written in a time ... I absolutely struggle with people taking one piece as fact and another as rumor and a third as a lesson meant to teach us. Generally we take the facts to fit our own needs, rumor to dispel our sins and lessons to explain something we don't really want to follow anyway. For example, I cannot eat shellfish, the bible says so. But I can get tattoos because the bible was written when non believers would have tattoos. And the 144,000 going to heaven was a story that had to do with the 12 tribes of Israel and was written before new math. But if everything is literal, there are not going to be very many people in heaven, yet we were told to be fruitful and multiply. It makes zero sense!
Not believing or worshipping or even honoring God doesn't change who I am other than the fact that I have a tattoo I need covered. I still do good stuff, I am still a relatively good person, I still donate my dollars but I do all those not because of God but because I want this world to be better. And with God, it hasn't gotten any better so why should I put for that extra effort on Him when I could use it to make a change that is here and now?
If I want to believe that God is responsible for Danny's safe return home from Iraq or Ashlyn's cure of cancer then I have to believe that He is also responsible for the death of everyone that didn't come home. I have to believe He is to blame for the death of those not cured. He has to be present in the action and reaction. Danny was primarily responsible for his safe return home and Ashlyn's cure was because of science and the way her body responded to treatment. Sure you can argue that those doctors got their big brains from God, but they chose to use them. Free will and God's plan can't be used in the same argument.
Funny thing is, crosses are still a big part of my home decorating. I have many, crosses and crucifixes. I will still collect them on my travels because they are beautiful and the cross symbol has been around for a every long time, so it doesn't have to be religious. And during the holidays, I am still unpacking many nativity sets. And I still want more. There are some beautiful nativities carved in Bethlehem and I would love to have one because it is hand made by Christians in Bethlehem, a group of people I want to support and the craftsmanship is amazing. Christmas time is full of symbols that I don't understand or know the meaning of, even the time of year we celebrate the birth of Jesus was chosen because people were already celebrating the winter solstice and it was easier to introduce another celebration that used many of the same symbols. If we believe the nativity story, and the other clues presented in the bible, Jesus would have been born in September or October.
And yes, I will wish you a Merry Christmas. And you will probably wish me a Merry Christmas as well and I will take no offense because that would be dumb. You can pray for me if you like, but I will not pray for you because I am not positive in the purpose and do you really want someone of less faith praying for you? Though out of habit, I still find myself saying prayers to myself when the ambulance drives by. I still believe Mom and Dad are in heaven. I absolutely believe that your beliefs are right and true for you (mostly).
Last week a very emotional woman was in the store. She talked to me for quite awhile in the aisle and then again at the check out. She did a lot of stops and starts in her sentences, never quite saying what she wanted and there were tears in her eyes. I followed her outside just to be sure she was ok. And I offered her a hug. She came back to the store later with two flowers for me and a thank you note. The note said something about Jesus putting me there for her. I don't know if that's true but I know it doesn't matter if it is. Jesus didn't compel me to be kind or to offer her a hug. Jesus didn't put Barron between me and the harm I was going to cause. Jesus didn't give me two daughters with compatible blood types, and if he did, why didn't he give compatible blood types to other sisters? It's all just how it happened. The earth rotates, sometimes it rains, people are kind, people are assholes, dogs are really good at reading people but don't live nearly long enough, shit happens.
This may all be a phase. I've gone through phases before. I was once trying to be an educated Catholic, that backfired. I once tried to be a devote rosary sayer, I was lazy. I looked into Eastern religions but don't have the self discipline. So agnostic it is. And a cover up tattoo.
Romans 14:1.
Sunday, November 18, 2018
Go West
It was 18 years ago today that we moved out of my little old house in Cedar Rapids and moved into a crappy but big apartment in West Des Moines. Just three years later, we would make the decision to stay in West Des Moines and bought a home. Frequently, we talk about how different life would be if we would have followed one of the other potential paths. We would all be very different people. There would have been no Harlow, no Emmitt, no Hattie and possibly, no deployment. More than likely, there would have been no Brett (or Marie or Arthur). Cancer treatment could have looked very different. There probably would have still have been a truck, only sooner and maybe, bigger.
When we moved here, it was for a job with the Iowa State Patrol at the capital. Cedar Rapids Police had already said no thank you and we weren't holding out for Linn County. The terrible thing about being in the hiring process for law enforcement agencies is that they take months. I get it, they want to make sure they have the best people, but for the people in the process, it sucks! After CRPD said no thank you, and ISP said thank you, it seemed silly and risky to stick around to see what Linn County Sheriff's department was going to say. So sold the house and headed west.
After three years of Danny doing overnights at the governor's mansion and capital, he applied to Des Moines Police Department, put in for a transfer with the state patrol and applied to Nevada State Patrol. We had decided to say yes to the first offer he (we) got. DMPD it was. That allowed us to buy a home and stay in the area that had begun to feel like home. It meant the kids didn't switch schools again. I kept my job. Absolutely the easiest of decisions.
Had the state patrol offered a transfer, we could have gone anywhere in the state except the bigger cities. We could have lived on some land, had goats and chickens. The kids would have gone to a small school not Valley. There would not have been a Harlow, but there would have been other dogs, probably several. I could have had an old farm house and maybe a coup. I would have completely gone all in with that lifestyle. I would have ended up with entirely different kids because of the experiences they would have had. Every time we visit friends that have their own little slice of green far away from the city, I think of what could have been and then I hear about their commute, or think about the gravel road they are on, or how terribly far from the hospital they are and I am grateful to be where we are.
The other option, moving to Nevada, was terribly exciting. We would have been in the Las Vegas area and would have eventually made our way north to Reno to be near Danny's sisters and their families. Our lives, and to some extend, their lives would have been so different. Our kids could have taken dance and learned to ski. We could have been in the city or outside of town. But it would have been a lot of long roads for Danny to patrol and I don't think any of us would have liked that. I would have become proficient at winter mountain driving. When cancer came, there would have been a pretty good chance we would have gone to Sacramento for transplant. I would have picked up a gambling habit. I would have seen Barry Manilow, a lot.
I don't know if this is where we were meant to be. It is impossible to know. And I don't put any stock in god's plan. It is just how it happened. One city didn't see the potential and a state and another city did. We followed the money so to speak.
There was comfort in living in Cedar Rapids. I knew my way around. I knew the schools my kids would attend. The house we were in was cheap and had great woodwork and I cried the day I left it. I cried for all the things I was leaving, not just the woodwork and high ceilings, but the Sunday dinners at my parents, the growing up with cousins, grandparents at soccer games and band concerts. I had a church that knew me. I even had a couple of high school friends still in town. And Danny would have been such a good police officer for that city. I still take it personally that he didn't make the cut. Crapids.
And here's where we are and, barring a very large lottery win, here's where we will stay. West Des Moines has certainly become home. It is where my kids are from, it's where I want to be. We have roots, we have a community. We still root for the Tigers even though we have no children there. We have our Hy Vee and our Target and yes, our Walgreens. And let's be clear, I live in West Des Moines and don't know my way around Des Moines at all though I am good to go in Clive, Urbandale and most of Johnston! And I cannot imagine a life without these friends we have here, these work, church and school friends that feel like family.
We went where we needed to go to do what was best for our family. (My sister in law and her family have just done a similar thing.) Not everyone was happy we moved west and others weren't happy we didn't move further west. It's just how it goes. And now that I am watching my own kids make those same type of life choices I just try to make it clear that if they must go, then they must and we shall visit and if they must stay, then they must and we will not stop by unannounced.
So people, go where you must, enjoy it, embrace it and be happy in knowing that you did what was best and right for you! We might come visit!
When we moved here, it was for a job with the Iowa State Patrol at the capital. Cedar Rapids Police had already said no thank you and we weren't holding out for Linn County. The terrible thing about being in the hiring process for law enforcement agencies is that they take months. I get it, they want to make sure they have the best people, but for the people in the process, it sucks! After CRPD said no thank you, and ISP said thank you, it seemed silly and risky to stick around to see what Linn County Sheriff's department was going to say. So sold the house and headed west.
After three years of Danny doing overnights at the governor's mansion and capital, he applied to Des Moines Police Department, put in for a transfer with the state patrol and applied to Nevada State Patrol. We had decided to say yes to the first offer he (we) got. DMPD it was. That allowed us to buy a home and stay in the area that had begun to feel like home. It meant the kids didn't switch schools again. I kept my job. Absolutely the easiest of decisions.
Had the state patrol offered a transfer, we could have gone anywhere in the state except the bigger cities. We could have lived on some land, had goats and chickens. The kids would have gone to a small school not Valley. There would not have been a Harlow, but there would have been other dogs, probably several. I could have had an old farm house and maybe a coup. I would have completely gone all in with that lifestyle. I would have ended up with entirely different kids because of the experiences they would have had. Every time we visit friends that have their own little slice of green far away from the city, I think of what could have been and then I hear about their commute, or think about the gravel road they are on, or how terribly far from the hospital they are and I am grateful to be where we are.
The other option, moving to Nevada, was terribly exciting. We would have been in the Las Vegas area and would have eventually made our way north to Reno to be near Danny's sisters and their families. Our lives, and to some extend, their lives would have been so different. Our kids could have taken dance and learned to ski. We could have been in the city or outside of town. But it would have been a lot of long roads for Danny to patrol and I don't think any of us would have liked that. I would have become proficient at winter mountain driving. When cancer came, there would have been a pretty good chance we would have gone to Sacramento for transplant. I would have picked up a gambling habit. I would have seen Barry Manilow, a lot.
I don't know if this is where we were meant to be. It is impossible to know. And I don't put any stock in god's plan. It is just how it happened. One city didn't see the potential and a state and another city did. We followed the money so to speak.
There was comfort in living in Cedar Rapids. I knew my way around. I knew the schools my kids would attend. The house we were in was cheap and had great woodwork and I cried the day I left it. I cried for all the things I was leaving, not just the woodwork and high ceilings, but the Sunday dinners at my parents, the growing up with cousins, grandparents at soccer games and band concerts. I had a church that knew me. I even had a couple of high school friends still in town. And Danny would have been such a good police officer for that city. I still take it personally that he didn't make the cut. Crapids.
And here's where we are and, barring a very large lottery win, here's where we will stay. West Des Moines has certainly become home. It is where my kids are from, it's where I want to be. We have roots, we have a community. We still root for the Tigers even though we have no children there. We have our Hy Vee and our Target and yes, our Walgreens. And let's be clear, I live in West Des Moines and don't know my way around Des Moines at all though I am good to go in Clive, Urbandale and most of Johnston! And I cannot imagine a life without these friends we have here, these work, church and school friends that feel like family.
We went where we needed to go to do what was best for our family. (My sister in law and her family have just done a similar thing.) Not everyone was happy we moved west and others weren't happy we didn't move further west. It's just how it goes. And now that I am watching my own kids make those same type of life choices I just try to make it clear that if they must go, then they must and we shall visit and if they must stay, then they must and we will not stop by unannounced.
So people, go where you must, enjoy it, embrace it and be happy in knowing that you did what was best and right for you! We might come visit!
Saturday, August 11, 2018
Run Anne Run
A week ago yesterday, while doing my evening reflection, I had an epiphany. I needed to run. It was so clear in my mind. It was also 12:30 am and I had no proper footwear, it would have been irresponsible to run then, so fast forward to Sunday. Danny took me to the good shoe store, the one that watches you walk and actually finds the right shoes for a first time runner. Monday morning post FXB, I ran. And it's ugly. Most of the time it is this slow scuffle of feet barely leaving the pavement, or worse, a hunched over nearly defeated girl digging in for that next spurt and then the music changes and I am upright, chest out, fingers spread and I know I am placing each foot, each solution in front of the other with grace and purpose.
I am not running from anything anymore.
I am running toward something.
Piece of mind, peace of mind. Exercise may help ward off dementia. Exercise does help ward off all the bullshit in life.
I think the catalyst to this need to run came from an audio book I am listening to with my sister Dene' and friends. May Cause Miracles by Gabrielle Bernstein. It is not an earth shattering idea, it is mostly about forgiving myself, loving myself and finding that forgiveness and love in the world. It is nothing that I didn't already know, I had just decided for too long to ignore the issues in my heart and mind. When Dene' sent the Facebook invitation, I lept for it. I needed it, I need it. And I am already finding miracles. My God, I am running. There is a miracle.
And this invitation came just as I was researching therapists. I appeared to be stuck in a stage of grief or something that I couldn't get past. I was looking for sneaky ways to self harm to avoid situations. I'm going to stop there for a moment. I was so emotionally worked up about a social situation that I was actively trying to hurt myself badly enough to not have to go. That, my friends, is a shit place to be. I have worked very hard to get out of the self harm space. Somewhere in me, I was willing to go back to that place. Obviously, I needed help. I was super sensitive to the invitations that were not extended or the choice of words on facebook. I will tell you, for as much as I love Facebook, it is the fucking devil when one is feeling insecure. Anyway, with any trip to the therapist comes a copay and I decided, nope, I am not giving up any more of myself to this problem so I downloaded the Audible app, bought a little journal and started to find the answers in me.
The night of the epiphany I was heartbroken, again (Jesus Anne, get over it) and in the sobs, I saw it. I saw me, stride after stride, fixing my heart and getting killer legs while at it. I reached out to my friend, Juli, who is an avid runner. She frequently posts about the joy and release she finds in runs. She is currently training for the Chicago Marathon. She is an incredible friend. She is super bad ass. I would read her posts with a desire to experience that feeling but someone in my head would say, remember, you can't run. Because of what I am learning through May Cause Miracles, I know there is no one else in my head but me. I have gratefully shown the door to all the other naysayers that resided there. The voices from my youth, my young adulthood and even my middle adulthood, those voices that said I can't. The only voice that is left is the one that had listened to the others. And I am helping that Anne pack up and leave.
I can run. I am perfectly capable of it. I will work on my endurance and I will be able to keep a steady stride for an entire mile. I will add onto that mile as time goes on, I don't have an end goal of time or mileage, I don't know my destination, I don't think that is the important part right now, it's that I am running. Outside of my comfort zone but nearly as far out today as I was on Monday. I am running toward a better me. An Anne that sees the miracles. An Anne that faced a fear and aced that fear.
I wrap up this week with five days at Farrells and six days running. Miracle.
I have slept soundly six nights in a row. No despairing dreams. Miracle.
I have not self harmed in more years than I can remember even though the desire is frequently present. Miracle.
I am running. Miracle.
And in case you were wondering, there is a Broadway show based on life of Donna Summer. The music has begun to show up on my Pandora Showtunes Radio station. I have always loved "MacArthur Park" but was only familiar with Richard Harris's version. I did not know there was a disco version. There is. I was completely out of steam. It started to play and it starts out slow. Who did leave the cake out in the rain? I've always wondered that, and I can appreciate the time to it takes to make it, it does take time to bake it. And without the internet, they very well may never have that recipe again. And then the music changes and there is no denying the beat. I had my best run to that song. I think a disco station is what I need to maximize my run.
I am not running from anything anymore.
I am running toward something.
Piece of mind, peace of mind. Exercise may help ward off dementia. Exercise does help ward off all the bullshit in life.
I think the catalyst to this need to run came from an audio book I am listening to with my sister Dene' and friends. May Cause Miracles by Gabrielle Bernstein. It is not an earth shattering idea, it is mostly about forgiving myself, loving myself and finding that forgiveness and love in the world. It is nothing that I didn't already know, I had just decided for too long to ignore the issues in my heart and mind. When Dene' sent the Facebook invitation, I lept for it. I needed it, I need it. And I am already finding miracles. My God, I am running. There is a miracle.
And this invitation came just as I was researching therapists. I appeared to be stuck in a stage of grief or something that I couldn't get past. I was looking for sneaky ways to self harm to avoid situations. I'm going to stop there for a moment. I was so emotionally worked up about a social situation that I was actively trying to hurt myself badly enough to not have to go. That, my friends, is a shit place to be. I have worked very hard to get out of the self harm space. Somewhere in me, I was willing to go back to that place. Obviously, I needed help. I was super sensitive to the invitations that were not extended or the choice of words on facebook. I will tell you, for as much as I love Facebook, it is the fucking devil when one is feeling insecure. Anyway, with any trip to the therapist comes a copay and I decided, nope, I am not giving up any more of myself to this problem so I downloaded the Audible app, bought a little journal and started to find the answers in me.
The night of the epiphany I was heartbroken, again (Jesus Anne, get over it) and in the sobs, I saw it. I saw me, stride after stride, fixing my heart and getting killer legs while at it. I reached out to my friend, Juli, who is an avid runner. She frequently posts about the joy and release she finds in runs. She is currently training for the Chicago Marathon. She is an incredible friend. She is super bad ass. I would read her posts with a desire to experience that feeling but someone in my head would say, remember, you can't run. Because of what I am learning through May Cause Miracles, I know there is no one else in my head but me. I have gratefully shown the door to all the other naysayers that resided there. The voices from my youth, my young adulthood and even my middle adulthood, those voices that said I can't. The only voice that is left is the one that had listened to the others. And I am helping that Anne pack up and leave.
I can run. I am perfectly capable of it. I will work on my endurance and I will be able to keep a steady stride for an entire mile. I will add onto that mile as time goes on, I don't have an end goal of time or mileage, I don't know my destination, I don't think that is the important part right now, it's that I am running. Outside of my comfort zone but nearly as far out today as I was on Monday. I am running toward a better me. An Anne that sees the miracles. An Anne that faced a fear and aced that fear.
I wrap up this week with five days at Farrells and six days running. Miracle.
I have slept soundly six nights in a row. No despairing dreams. Miracle.
I have not self harmed in more years than I can remember even though the desire is frequently present. Miracle.
I am running. Miracle.
And in case you were wondering, there is a Broadway show based on life of Donna Summer. The music has begun to show up on my Pandora Showtunes Radio station. I have always loved "MacArthur Park" but was only familiar with Richard Harris's version. I did not know there was a disco version. There is. I was completely out of steam. It started to play and it starts out slow. Who did leave the cake out in the rain? I've always wondered that, and I can appreciate the time to it takes to make it, it does take time to bake it. And without the internet, they very well may never have that recipe again. And then the music changes and there is no denying the beat. I had my best run to that song. I think a disco station is what I need to maximize my run.
Monday, August 6, 2018
It's inevitable, Change
I'm 48, nearly 49, obviously I have changed. Everything about me from the number on my scale to even the height mark on the door has changed. Inside, outside, upside and downside, people change. Otherwise there would be a whole lot of newborns laying around without fire or the wheel etc and, well, it seems like evolution and all that requires change. So there you go.
Think of your own life, your own journey. What has changed you most? And what have been the good and bad changes that you have made? Would you trade out the bad or did they lead to better? Or did they lead to worse? At some point in life, we have to own the changes we have made or the change we have become and know that that is who we are and move on from that. I think that is finally where I am.
I am different than I was, obviously. But when was 'was'? Did I change when I moved to each new city? Yes, because each new city brought new challenges for me that I had to adapt to. Those new challenges were sometimes similar, new city, more children, Danny away with deployments and training. And then there were the changes of being in a different country, or learning how to balance my own work with deployments and growing children and having a home I was responsible for, not a lease. And in all of that, is adapting to the changes that are happening in the lives of the people around me as well. I have never been successful at that. Own it, and move forward.
I can't and won't look back anymore on the should haves and could haves of my past. I accept that each decision I made, right or wrong, is mine. I can't undo a decision, but if it were the wrong one, I can take steps to rectify it. Like the hallway paint color, horrible choice, I can paint over. Like my anger toward someone that was very close to me, nothing I can do to paint over that, I have learned to live with it and forgive myself for the grudge that I held.
Here's the other thing, we don't know what causes a person to change. We don't know what is happening in a life that makes someone become angry all the time, or unhealthy or despondent. I also know that I generally didn't ask, just made assumptions, but I am changing that behavior.
And where is all this discussion of change coming from, you may ask, well, several months ago, I got told that I had changed (and not for the better I might add!) when I moved to Des Moines. And that is fair. I have definitely changed in the past nearly 18 years. In this time, I have experienced some situations that I never dreamt I would, and for as much as the day to day of living can change a person, add in illness and death and at times, a very different and dark day to day, you bet your ass I have changed. I don't apologize for who I have become and I don't think I need to. I also don't think I need to spend any more time on justifying who I have become. As Goethe so eloquently said "If God wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise." Meaning, I am here as God's creation, not someone else's idea of what I should be. That being said, God did create me as a work in progress and I continue to progress and change.
Even today, I changed. I got outside of a fear and I ran a mile. Within that mile was some walking, some resting, some jogging but there was also running. And I wasn't running from my problems, but running towards my solutions. That is part of the continual change that is taking place within me.
This living business can be tricky. I have had to decide who do I please, who do I change for, who do I want to be. I may please no one unless they choose to be pleased by my actions, I may change for no one but myself because only I know who I choose to be.
Think of your own life, your own journey. What has changed you most? And what have been the good and bad changes that you have made? Would you trade out the bad or did they lead to better? Or did they lead to worse? At some point in life, we have to own the changes we have made or the change we have become and know that that is who we are and move on from that. I think that is finally where I am.
I am different than I was, obviously. But when was 'was'? Did I change when I moved to each new city? Yes, because each new city brought new challenges for me that I had to adapt to. Those new challenges were sometimes similar, new city, more children, Danny away with deployments and training. And then there were the changes of being in a different country, or learning how to balance my own work with deployments and growing children and having a home I was responsible for, not a lease. And in all of that, is adapting to the changes that are happening in the lives of the people around me as well. I have never been successful at that. Own it, and move forward.
I can't and won't look back anymore on the should haves and could haves of my past. I accept that each decision I made, right or wrong, is mine. I can't undo a decision, but if it were the wrong one, I can take steps to rectify it. Like the hallway paint color, horrible choice, I can paint over. Like my anger toward someone that was very close to me, nothing I can do to paint over that, I have learned to live with it and forgive myself for the grudge that I held.
Here's the other thing, we don't know what causes a person to change. We don't know what is happening in a life that makes someone become angry all the time, or unhealthy or despondent. I also know that I generally didn't ask, just made assumptions, but I am changing that behavior.
And where is all this discussion of change coming from, you may ask, well, several months ago, I got told that I had changed (and not for the better I might add!) when I moved to Des Moines. And that is fair. I have definitely changed in the past nearly 18 years. In this time, I have experienced some situations that I never dreamt I would, and for as much as the day to day of living can change a person, add in illness and death and at times, a very different and dark day to day, you bet your ass I have changed. I don't apologize for who I have become and I don't think I need to. I also don't think I need to spend any more time on justifying who I have become. As Goethe so eloquently said "If God wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise." Meaning, I am here as God's creation, not someone else's idea of what I should be. That being said, God did create me as a work in progress and I continue to progress and change.
Even today, I changed. I got outside of a fear and I ran a mile. Within that mile was some walking, some resting, some jogging but there was also running. And I wasn't running from my problems, but running towards my solutions. That is part of the continual change that is taking place within me.
This living business can be tricky. I have had to decide who do I please, who do I change for, who do I want to be. I may please no one unless they choose to be pleased by my actions, I may change for no one but myself because only I know who I choose to be.
Saturday, March 24, 2018
Not an expert on constitutional law or anything else, just a gal with some thoughts
I've kept my opinion off line for the most part because, honestly, what difference will it make? The difference my opinion will make is at the polls, where I shop, what businesses I choose to support. Gun control, the 2nd amendment, safer schools and the simple idea that some asshole with a gun will not shoot me while I shop, movie watch, pray or rock out are all very hot and emotional topics, especially today as it was March for our lives across much of America.
Most of what I say will be my own opinion which has been formed through 48 years of experience that is all my own. I will probably make up some percentages and will misquote the constitution. You are welcome to tell me how wrong or right I am in the comments and I will read them and appreciate what you have to say knowing that your opinions are based on your own unique life experiences.
Guns are not evil. They are often the preferred tool of evil. As have spears, swords, boulders, words, tylenol capsules and packages. I have a great fondness of guns, in particular WWII era rifles that my dad collected, frequently cleaned and cared for. That fondness has absolutely nothing to do with what they do, but with who I was with when I learned (I don't remember what I learned) about them. I appreciated that these weapons were often the weapons of the Allies (I watched Big Red One, I knew the score). I saw no evil in the wood stocks that were a little gouged from use, in the leather slings that were stretched from years of being slung over a soldier's shoulder, from the history of where this gun traveled from and from who it served. I don't remember a time when a gun was not something I knew about.
The first gun massacres I recall were in California outside of a McDonald's and in Texas at a Ruby's. And then I didn't hear about them again until Columbine. It feels like it hasn't stopped since Columbine. It feels like there is always an asshole with a gun and not nearly enough is there a not an asshole with a gun to stop him. And I think too often the not asshole would be outgunned. And that, my friends, makes me sick. I love a lot of not assholes with guns. I don't want them to be at the mall with a handgun concealed in their waistband when an asshole looking to create mass terror and mass destruction walks in with a weapon (this is where I may make up facts even if I try to fact check, I don't know what I'm reading) that has a magazine that holds 100 rounds. I am confident that if the asshole had to stop and change magazines, the not asshole would eliminate the threat.
I have a permit to carry. I don't carry. I have enough shit in my purse, if I needed to pull out a gun, there is a good chance I would attempt to protect myself with lip balm and a tampon. I do not have an issue with those that do carry concealed. In fact, I am very pleased to know that there are many very well trained, even keeled individuals out there that are willing and able to stop a threat. I am glad to know that the individuals that teach about gun safety and use are well educated and well versed in real life situations. I pray that these individuals will never have to be that one that stops the threat, but as we saw in Maryland just this past week, we need those sheepdogs. I do have an issue with those that choose to not conceal. I believe that those individuals often choose to show the world their weapon because they think it is cool and I believe that they create an unnecessary climate of fear in Target. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.
I know there was a lot of backlash to Dick's when they announced that they would no longer sell rifles to those under 21. I believe Walmart made the same decision but I don't recall that they received the same backlash. I believe it is harder to boycott a store that sells just about everything one needs at a reasonable price than it is to boycott a store that sells sporting goods. But the beauty of it is, if you don't like a store, company practice, you can not put your money where your mouth is. Imagine if we got this fired up about oil spills and clear cutting forests!
My problem is with the age of 21. That fucker in Las Vegas was a long way from 21. And why is 21 this arbitrary number that allows you to all of a sudden make the right decisions about firearms and alcohol (unless you are in the military and then you are trained and expected to make the right decisions with a firearm at 18 and unless you are in Europe and then you are able to make the right decisions with alcohol at 18) and I know plenty of people that are far from 21 that cannot make a correct decision regarding alcohol (me). But at the same time, people have to show ID to buy children's cough medicine because there are enough people out there that cannot make a good decision with a normal product.
School safety is another hot topic. Do we arm teachers? Why am I saying, do we? I am not arming anyone. God, I don't even arm myself. I am not keen on arming teachers based on the opinions I have read from teachers. They have expressed their opinions about already often feeling overwhelmed with what they are tasked with by the school and society and with what they have tasked themselves with, as well. Instead of training and arming teachers, I would rather see enhanced security measures, increased funding for more staff especially with at risk kids and trained security and police officers. The opinions I have read from teachers is that no amount of training could prepare them to shoot a child, perhaps a former or current student. That they just couldn't. That is not to say that there aren't some teachers that would be an asset armed, but if someone knows that they could not stop the threat, don't put them in that position with the expectation that they would.
I believe that no amount of law will stop an asshole. And I also believe that an asshole will take the easiest route to cause the desired amount of terror. It is very difficult to get a gun in Great Britain so the assholes often use a lorry or knife. The assholes of the middle east use explosives strapped to themselves, how are you going to stop that? There are assholes crashing planes and making bombs and creating synthetic heroin that makes one eat other people's faces. None of this is legal or ok or accepted by society. And generally, we try to make it harder for the next asshole. That's why I don't mind if there is a waiting period to buy any gun. I don't think it is very often that someone needs a gun right now. It isn't like its milk or bread or toilet paper. It is a gun. If you need to go hunting, check your equipment four days in advance. If you need to kill a rabid dog on your property, call the animal control. If you need to shoot someone, well, that's why there would be a waiting period. Of course, a waiting period wouldn't have stopped Las Vegas or Ft. Hood or most of the other shootings. But maybe it will stop the next one. Maybe it will stop a pissed off hothead asshole from swinging into Walmart for milk, bread and an AR-15 or any other gun and shooting someone. I don't think this is what the second amendment had in mind. Maybe it did. "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." Again, not a constitutional law expert, as so many are, but I truly don't know what that means. I take it to mean that I can have a gun and be part of a militia to protect my state and the federals can't stop me.
I wouldn't describe any of these assholes with guns as part of a well regulated Militia. If the idea of the second amendment was so that I, as an armed citizen, could defend myself against a tyrannical government, well, ok! But I am pretty sure that I could not own a powerful enough weapon to defend myself against a government's weapons. But, in the Red Dawn scenario, I would want to try. And in such a scenario, I think all three day waiting periods would become null and void because we would all be trying to kick a foreign invader's ass. Same with zombie apocalypse. A weapon to protect yourself and family and home, absolutely. Just know there will be a three day period of wait. Like Good Friday to Easter. We've been doing that for 2000 years and it's worked out okay.
Now, on to these damn kids protesting. In all of this debate, I think this is where I am most frustrated. Why in the world are people so against these peaceful protests? Yes, I know there were some really shitty things that happened at some of the walk outs on March 14th. I saw the video of the kids that tore down the United States flag. I don't think their shitty actions were representative of the majority of the kids that walked out to honor and draw attention to the seventeen victims of the shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. If my kids were still in school, I would have supported them walking out because I know they would not have desecrated a flag, that they would have been respectful of the situation and that their voice matters. Telling someone that they cannot possibly have an opinion in this is bullshit. I have seen the memes that (paraphrasing here) "So you're telling me that last week you were eating Tide pods and now you are an expert on constitutional law?" Seriously, does anyone think that these are the same kids? The average heroin addict is a white suburbanite in their early twenties. Doesn't mean it is all white suburbanites in their early twenties. Just a few, some perhaps, but not all. And why can't these kids be experts on constitutional law? Or at least as much of an expert as those people that disagree with them on facebook think they are. What I know about the constitution is what I have read on the internet (I used Constitutioncenter.org and loc.gov) what Nicholas Cage taught me in National Treasure (one not two) and what the bill sang about on Capitol Hill. These kids are far more internet savvy than I am, I am sure they know how to toggle between sites, absorb information faster and have the desire to be articulate and informed when they talk to the president or CNN. Many are voting in the midterm elections, I want them to be educated when they vote. I want them to be well informed when they go to college or get a job or serve in the military. Do we really want dissuade the activists and create a generation of adults that only eat Tide, play on their phones and let us swim in our own urine as we grow old because they have zero respect for us because we would not support their right to peaceful assembly. By the way, that's the First Amendment. Plus, I am pretty sure it was partly because of protests that I get to go to the polls in November and vote. And I won't be casting my vote based on who voted what in the gun debate, I will be voting for those that support education because I truly believe if we got our heads out of our asses and supported schools and teachers with less rhetoric and more money, a lot of all the problems would right themselves.
In 1973, using the 14th Amendment, the supreme court ruled that women had a constitutional right to legal abortion. For 45 years, people, many of them in high school, have been marching on Washington in protest of this decision. I have never seen or heard or read a meme disparaging these people. And I struggle to see the difference, these are two marches that are trying to save lives. The language on the signs are very similar. The passion in the hearts is identical. Regardless of how I feel about gun control or abortion, these young people have the right (it's the first one on the bill) to peacefully assemble.
Facebook is great for sharing our information with companies that try to sway our votes (don't get me started on that one) knowing when it is someone's birthday or to sell our direct sales company stuff, but it is probably not the best place to change what is broken in our nation and world. I feel like we have all become Monday morning quarterbacks with absolutely no respect or courtesy to any other team. We have all become Harry Wormwood in Matilda" I'm smart, you're dumb; I'm big, you're little; I'm right, you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it." But with a little civility and a pledge to only share memes that are 1. true 2. dog based or 3. are sarcastic, we could actually learn to listen and like each other again.
Most of what I say will be my own opinion which has been formed through 48 years of experience that is all my own. I will probably make up some percentages and will misquote the constitution. You are welcome to tell me how wrong or right I am in the comments and I will read them and appreciate what you have to say knowing that your opinions are based on your own unique life experiences.
Guns are not evil. They are often the preferred tool of evil. As have spears, swords, boulders, words, tylenol capsules and packages. I have a great fondness of guns, in particular WWII era rifles that my dad collected, frequently cleaned and cared for. That fondness has absolutely nothing to do with what they do, but with who I was with when I learned (I don't remember what I learned) about them. I appreciated that these weapons were often the weapons of the Allies (I watched Big Red One, I knew the score). I saw no evil in the wood stocks that were a little gouged from use, in the leather slings that were stretched from years of being slung over a soldier's shoulder, from the history of where this gun traveled from and from who it served. I don't remember a time when a gun was not something I knew about.
The first gun massacres I recall were in California outside of a McDonald's and in Texas at a Ruby's. And then I didn't hear about them again until Columbine. It feels like it hasn't stopped since Columbine. It feels like there is always an asshole with a gun and not nearly enough is there a not an asshole with a gun to stop him. And I think too often the not asshole would be outgunned. And that, my friends, makes me sick. I love a lot of not assholes with guns. I don't want them to be at the mall with a handgun concealed in their waistband when an asshole looking to create mass terror and mass destruction walks in with a weapon (this is where I may make up facts even if I try to fact check, I don't know what I'm reading) that has a magazine that holds 100 rounds. I am confident that if the asshole had to stop and change magazines, the not asshole would eliminate the threat.
I have a permit to carry. I don't carry. I have enough shit in my purse, if I needed to pull out a gun, there is a good chance I would attempt to protect myself with lip balm and a tampon. I do not have an issue with those that do carry concealed. In fact, I am very pleased to know that there are many very well trained, even keeled individuals out there that are willing and able to stop a threat. I am glad to know that the individuals that teach about gun safety and use are well educated and well versed in real life situations. I pray that these individuals will never have to be that one that stops the threat, but as we saw in Maryland just this past week, we need those sheepdogs. I do have an issue with those that choose to not conceal. I believe that those individuals often choose to show the world their weapon because they think it is cool and I believe that they create an unnecessary climate of fear in Target. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.
I know there was a lot of backlash to Dick's when they announced that they would no longer sell rifles to those under 21. I believe Walmart made the same decision but I don't recall that they received the same backlash. I believe it is harder to boycott a store that sells just about everything one needs at a reasonable price than it is to boycott a store that sells sporting goods. But the beauty of it is, if you don't like a store, company practice, you can not put your money where your mouth is. Imagine if we got this fired up about oil spills and clear cutting forests!
My problem is with the age of 21. That fucker in Las Vegas was a long way from 21. And why is 21 this arbitrary number that allows you to all of a sudden make the right decisions about firearms and alcohol (unless you are in the military and then you are trained and expected to make the right decisions with a firearm at 18 and unless you are in Europe and then you are able to make the right decisions with alcohol at 18) and I know plenty of people that are far from 21 that cannot make a correct decision regarding alcohol (me). But at the same time, people have to show ID to buy children's cough medicine because there are enough people out there that cannot make a good decision with a normal product.
School safety is another hot topic. Do we arm teachers? Why am I saying, do we? I am not arming anyone. God, I don't even arm myself. I am not keen on arming teachers based on the opinions I have read from teachers. They have expressed their opinions about already often feeling overwhelmed with what they are tasked with by the school and society and with what they have tasked themselves with, as well. Instead of training and arming teachers, I would rather see enhanced security measures, increased funding for more staff especially with at risk kids and trained security and police officers. The opinions I have read from teachers is that no amount of training could prepare them to shoot a child, perhaps a former or current student. That they just couldn't. That is not to say that there aren't some teachers that would be an asset armed, but if someone knows that they could not stop the threat, don't put them in that position with the expectation that they would.
I believe that no amount of law will stop an asshole. And I also believe that an asshole will take the easiest route to cause the desired amount of terror. It is very difficult to get a gun in Great Britain so the assholes often use a lorry or knife. The assholes of the middle east use explosives strapped to themselves, how are you going to stop that? There are assholes crashing planes and making bombs and creating synthetic heroin that makes one eat other people's faces. None of this is legal or ok or accepted by society. And generally, we try to make it harder for the next asshole. That's why I don't mind if there is a waiting period to buy any gun. I don't think it is very often that someone needs a gun right now. It isn't like its milk or bread or toilet paper. It is a gun. If you need to go hunting, check your equipment four days in advance. If you need to kill a rabid dog on your property, call the animal control. If you need to shoot someone, well, that's why there would be a waiting period. Of course, a waiting period wouldn't have stopped Las Vegas or Ft. Hood or most of the other shootings. But maybe it will stop the next one. Maybe it will stop a pissed off hothead asshole from swinging into Walmart for milk, bread and an AR-15 or any other gun and shooting someone. I don't think this is what the second amendment had in mind. Maybe it did. "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." Again, not a constitutional law expert, as so many are, but I truly don't know what that means. I take it to mean that I can have a gun and be part of a militia to protect my state and the federals can't stop me.
I wouldn't describe any of these assholes with guns as part of a well regulated Militia. If the idea of the second amendment was so that I, as an armed citizen, could defend myself against a tyrannical government, well, ok! But I am pretty sure that I could not own a powerful enough weapon to defend myself against a government's weapons. But, in the Red Dawn scenario, I would want to try. And in such a scenario, I think all three day waiting periods would become null and void because we would all be trying to kick a foreign invader's ass. Same with zombie apocalypse. A weapon to protect yourself and family and home, absolutely. Just know there will be a three day period of wait. Like Good Friday to Easter. We've been doing that for 2000 years and it's worked out okay.
Now, on to these damn kids protesting. In all of this debate, I think this is where I am most frustrated. Why in the world are people so against these peaceful protests? Yes, I know there were some really shitty things that happened at some of the walk outs on March 14th. I saw the video of the kids that tore down the United States flag. I don't think their shitty actions were representative of the majority of the kids that walked out to honor and draw attention to the seventeen victims of the shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. If my kids were still in school, I would have supported them walking out because I know they would not have desecrated a flag, that they would have been respectful of the situation and that their voice matters. Telling someone that they cannot possibly have an opinion in this is bullshit. I have seen the memes that (paraphrasing here) "So you're telling me that last week you were eating Tide pods and now you are an expert on constitutional law?" Seriously, does anyone think that these are the same kids? The average heroin addict is a white suburbanite in their early twenties. Doesn't mean it is all white suburbanites in their early twenties. Just a few, some perhaps, but not all. And why can't these kids be experts on constitutional law? Or at least as much of an expert as those people that disagree with them on facebook think they are. What I know about the constitution is what I have read on the internet (I used Constitutioncenter.org and loc.gov) what Nicholas Cage taught me in National Treasure (one not two) and what the bill sang about on Capitol Hill. These kids are far more internet savvy than I am, I am sure they know how to toggle between sites, absorb information faster and have the desire to be articulate and informed when they talk to the president or CNN. Many are voting in the midterm elections, I want them to be educated when they vote. I want them to be well informed when they go to college or get a job or serve in the military. Do we really want dissuade the activists and create a generation of adults that only eat Tide, play on their phones and let us swim in our own urine as we grow old because they have zero respect for us because we would not support their right to peaceful assembly. By the way, that's the First Amendment. Plus, I am pretty sure it was partly because of protests that I get to go to the polls in November and vote. And I won't be casting my vote based on who voted what in the gun debate, I will be voting for those that support education because I truly believe if we got our heads out of our asses and supported schools and teachers with less rhetoric and more money, a lot of all the problems would right themselves.
In 1973, using the 14th Amendment, the supreme court ruled that women had a constitutional right to legal abortion. For 45 years, people, many of them in high school, have been marching on Washington in protest of this decision. I have never seen or heard or read a meme disparaging these people. And I struggle to see the difference, these are two marches that are trying to save lives. The language on the signs are very similar. The passion in the hearts is identical. Regardless of how I feel about gun control or abortion, these young people have the right (it's the first one on the bill) to peacefully assemble.
Facebook is great for sharing our information with companies that try to sway our votes (don't get me started on that one) knowing when it is someone's birthday or to sell our direct sales company stuff, but it is probably not the best place to change what is broken in our nation and world. I feel like we have all become Monday morning quarterbacks with absolutely no respect or courtesy to any other team. We have all become Harry Wormwood in Matilda" I'm smart, you're dumb; I'm big, you're little; I'm right, you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it." But with a little civility and a pledge to only share memes that are 1. true 2. dog based or 3. are sarcastic, we could actually learn to listen and like each other again.
Wednesday, March 7, 2018
Me Too, God Damn It
Well, #METOO and I am gutted.
Sometime in the past five years I became friends with a customer that comes in once or twice a week. An older man who dresses in layers because he walks a couple of miles to work. Usually, not clean shaven. Always carrying a well worn lunch box. The first time I saw him I also saw another employee give him the most disapproving look so I did the opposite I went out of my way, literally, down a different aisle to cut him off so I could say good morning and offer a smile. Thanks to my mothers' orthodontic insistence, I have a very nice smile and he complimented me on it. That started a conversation about my reluctance and my mother's knowledge that a nice smile is important.
Fast forward the next few years and he would enquire about my family and I would enquire about his job. I kept him updated on when I would be out of the store so he wouldn't needlessly stop in (he rarely bought anything, just stopping in for a visit). I'd give him a hug, make sure he'd be warm enough on the below zero days and would have him top off his water bottle on the summer days. I knew that he lived in a home with other men. He talked about sitting on the stoop with them. He was always so friendly and I genuinely thought he enjoyed this friendship. I know that I looked forward to seeing him and worried when I didn't.
I would give him a hug and never thought anything of it. I appreciated this friendship, and thought he did as well.
The last time I gave him a hug, he decided to take it further and grabbed my ass.
And what did I do?
Absolutely nothing but end the hug. I was flabbergasted. I didn't immediately process it. I really wanted to deny it, to think it was something else, but no. I know my ass, I know when it's been grabbed. It was a blatant disregard to me, the human that made human contact. A giant fuck you to the friendship that was cultivated. I cared about him. Worried about him. Wondered about him. And now I am mad and more so, sad. I am left with the incredibly uncomfortable option to confront him, avoid him or ignore what happened.
I am left feeling like I shouldn't hurt his feelings. Which is ridiculous, fuck his feelings. Fuck that he has made me second guess what he did and has made me second guess being kind. Kind which is completely different from being nice and cordial. And I was not dressed provocatively in my khaki pants and blue polo. I was not talking suggestively when I told him how much my dog loves playing fetch, that we spoil her. I was not leading him on when I told him how beautiful my daughter's wedding was and that my husband looked dashing in his bow tie. I was not trying to get something from him with my friendship, I was not pressing my boobs against him. There was no sexual innuendo when I enquired about his health, his warmth, his well being.
Shame on him and every other man that makes a woman feel guilty for what they have done, for the line they have crossed. They should be ashamed and embarrassed and they should be the ones initiating the difficult conversation about where hands are to be and how a proper hug is given.
And I admit, I hoped that with me three week absence from work, be would think I'd quit and I could avoid the entire situation. But I owe it to every other woman that had had these feelings, has been in these and far worse situations to speak up and out.
In no way am I comparing this to the greater instances of harassment and abuse that runs rampant in the world. I have realized though, that the emotions come from the same place of hurt, denial and shame. It makes the responses that others have had more understandable and I hope, me more empathetic.
I told my manager what had happened and that I intended to confront him in the most polite way possible since I was at work. My manager really didn't have a response, and that's okay as it didn't involve work or him, and I just wanted to give him a heads up. My first day back to work, he came in and I headed to the stockroom, a failure . A day or two later, my manager told me that he was in the store, but that I should just stay in the office. He knew how upset I was and i think, afraid of a scene. I went out on the sales floor and still, couldn't confront him. Only said that I had been on vacation and that I had a terrible cold. I was pissed at myself for not being brave enough or sure enough to speak up.
He came in again today, found me in the back of the store. And I told him. I told him that I was not comfortable with the way he touched me the last time we hugged and that I would not hug him again. I said that it was very upsetting and very uncomfortable. I told him that I was still very angry and hurt. He said he was sorry. I am grateful that he didn't try to excuse it or deny it. I am glad it is over. And I am so sad that I lost this friend.
Sometime in the past five years I became friends with a customer that comes in once or twice a week. An older man who dresses in layers because he walks a couple of miles to work. Usually, not clean shaven. Always carrying a well worn lunch box. The first time I saw him I also saw another employee give him the most disapproving look so I did the opposite I went out of my way, literally, down a different aisle to cut him off so I could say good morning and offer a smile. Thanks to my mothers' orthodontic insistence, I have a very nice smile and he complimented me on it. That started a conversation about my reluctance and my mother's knowledge that a nice smile is important.
Fast forward the next few years and he would enquire about my family and I would enquire about his job. I kept him updated on when I would be out of the store so he wouldn't needlessly stop in (he rarely bought anything, just stopping in for a visit). I'd give him a hug, make sure he'd be warm enough on the below zero days and would have him top off his water bottle on the summer days. I knew that he lived in a home with other men. He talked about sitting on the stoop with them. He was always so friendly and I genuinely thought he enjoyed this friendship. I know that I looked forward to seeing him and worried when I didn't.
I would give him a hug and never thought anything of it. I appreciated this friendship, and thought he did as well.
The last time I gave him a hug, he decided to take it further and grabbed my ass.
And what did I do?
Absolutely nothing but end the hug. I was flabbergasted. I didn't immediately process it. I really wanted to deny it, to think it was something else, but no. I know my ass, I know when it's been grabbed. It was a blatant disregard to me, the human that made human contact. A giant fuck you to the friendship that was cultivated. I cared about him. Worried about him. Wondered about him. And now I am mad and more so, sad. I am left with the incredibly uncomfortable option to confront him, avoid him or ignore what happened.
I am left feeling like I shouldn't hurt his feelings. Which is ridiculous, fuck his feelings. Fuck that he has made me second guess what he did and has made me second guess being kind. Kind which is completely different from being nice and cordial. And I was not dressed provocatively in my khaki pants and blue polo. I was not talking suggestively when I told him how much my dog loves playing fetch, that we spoil her. I was not leading him on when I told him how beautiful my daughter's wedding was and that my husband looked dashing in his bow tie. I was not trying to get something from him with my friendship, I was not pressing my boobs against him. There was no sexual innuendo when I enquired about his health, his warmth, his well being.
Shame on him and every other man that makes a woman feel guilty for what they have done, for the line they have crossed. They should be ashamed and embarrassed and they should be the ones initiating the difficult conversation about where hands are to be and how a proper hug is given.
And I admit, I hoped that with me three week absence from work, be would think I'd quit and I could avoid the entire situation. But I owe it to every other woman that had had these feelings, has been in these and far worse situations to speak up and out.
In no way am I comparing this to the greater instances of harassment and abuse that runs rampant in the world. I have realized though, that the emotions come from the same place of hurt, denial and shame. It makes the responses that others have had more understandable and I hope, me more empathetic.
I told my manager what had happened and that I intended to confront him in the most polite way possible since I was at work. My manager really didn't have a response, and that's okay as it didn't involve work or him, and I just wanted to give him a heads up. My first day back to work, he came in and I headed to the stockroom, a failure . A day or two later, my manager told me that he was in the store, but that I should just stay in the office. He knew how upset I was and i think, afraid of a scene. I went out on the sales floor and still, couldn't confront him. Only said that I had been on vacation and that I had a terrible cold. I was pissed at myself for not being brave enough or sure enough to speak up.
He came in again today, found me in the back of the store. And I told him. I told him that I was not comfortable with the way he touched me the last time we hugged and that I would not hug him again. I said that it was very upsetting and very uncomfortable. I told him that I was still very angry and hurt. He said he was sorry. I am grateful that he didn't try to excuse it or deny it. I am glad it is over. And I am so sad that I lost this friend.
Monday, January 8, 2018
Me Too, Stand Up, Oprah for President
I didn't watch the Golden Globes because I didn't realize they were on until I was all situated in bed. But I did look at the dresses and I did watch Oprah's amazing speech today, several times. Awards season is special to me in a different way as this season coincides with Ashlyn's time in Iowa City. She and I spent a great deal of time reviewing the photos from the red carpet and talking about what we loved about the dresses. We made to effort to not put down anyone's choices because that isn't productive. We picked our favorites and then went about the business of getting well.
As I said, I didn't watch the Golden Globes, but knew that most would wear black as a sign of solidarity with women and men that have been sexually harassed in the workplace. I love that Oprah pointed out that these were women, because honestly that is the usual victim, in fields away from Hollywood. Women trying to feed their kids and pay their bills do not have the luxury of always speaking up. In my working life, I have seen two clear cases of harassment and neither woman spoke up because of fear of losing their job which meant losing their homes, insurance, car... you get the picture. The first case was during my first job at the hardware store. The second case, just a few years ago at my current job. I didn't really know what I was seeing the first time but the second time, I was aware and ready to help my co worker out. But she was too afraid. I wish more people could understand that fear. Ironically though, when women started coming forward in Hollywood (and I use Hollywood as an all encompassing group of movie industry people) she did not have the sympathy for them for waiting to say something. She wasn't sexually harassed, just harassed, that was her reasoning. I couldn't make sense of her reasoning, and I guess it isn't up to me to make sense of it. I had assumed that she would understand.
I am sure that I have been sexually harassed. I know I have had plenty of inappropriate things said to me when I worked in the hardware store. When I was an adult, I don't know that I even heard the remarks that grown men made. I hope that my face showed either contempt or sympathy for their incredible lack of maturity. But when I was a teen, I know that my face showed bright red when someone said something sexual about the nuts, screws, rods they were buying. My friendly little self would say "Hi, how are you?" and they'd answer "fine, and you?" I naively said "I'm fine!" and they'd say "I bet you are." What kind of man does that? Thankfully one of the Jerrys or Dwayne would be in ear shot and would quickly correct them. Because I had a defender, I learned that people couldn't talk to me like that. I got thicker skin and a quicker wit. I worked for a local business and could get away with saying snotty responses when warranted. There was no such thing as a call to corporate to complain. More than once I saw my boss show someone the door. Now, I don't know what you could possibly say to me that I would consider sexually harassing me, but sure as it, I would turn you in. Because if you have found something vulgar enough to offend me, you have no place in the work place.
I think the hashtag #metoo served a very important purpose. I don't think it was to turn women against men. I don't think it was to make every man feel like he was a horrible person or that every woman was a victim. I think it was to make everyone aware that they were not alone in this, that they needed feel embarrassed or ashamed and that sexual harassment was a real, live breathing monster that was somehow ok. And it isn't. And if this hashtag means that women can eat bananas in the office lunchroom without hearing a snide comment then Thank You hashtag because it will also mean that the Frank Hart Jr's of the world won't get to pull their shit anymore either. In fact, it may just create a work environment where there are employees not men and women.
Another argument I have heard about the me too movement is that women that have really been sexually harassed and assaulted won't be believed because women are coming out of the woodwork claiming incidents that happened ten to twenty years ago. I have to wonder why would the person's allegations of twenty years ago have any bearing on the allegations of a person's made today? Should I base the claim of one woman up against the claim of another? If I go to the police and say that I was raped, should the police pull out the file of women that claimed rape but really were not and say "well we've had women say this before and it wasn't true, so you are lying, too?" Of course not!!! We should listen to each story, the facts of it and move forward from there with each story. This is not an all or nothing kind of situation. And yes, there are women who cry rape when they are not. There are women that will claim sexual harassment when they are not harassed and there will be women who use their sex as a way to get ahead in a job. YES! YES! YES! And I don't see how that argument applies here. If you come to me and tell me your story, I will listen and I will believe you until I have evidence not to believe you. Why in the world would I do that the other way around?
And as far as women coming forward years after the incident happened, I understand that. There are some things that one just doesn't realize happened until later in life. Or they have finally come to realize that what happened wasn't their fault and that they no longer needed to feel guilt about it. Or they just didn't think people would believe them, and they were probably right.
Now let's stop blaming the victim, shall we!
Oprah Winfrey for president. It is discouraging that a joke from an awards show host could move so fast in this world to be a hashtag, many memes and sadly, many hateful facebook pages. I am not saying that Winfrey as a candidate would be a bad idea, I would be very interested in this platform. I am saying that it is a bad idea to create such fury over something that is nothing. But the idea of a self made billionaire who has successfully run many businesses and has dogs as a president...I do think that a person like Winfrey would appoint the best people. She has a long career of listening to others, asking questions of experts, admitting her failings and demanding the respect of everyone she does business with, not by her attitude but by her actions.
One more thing... I don't mind that Hollywood talks about politics. They have an opinion just like I do, just like you do. And if you were afforded that platform, wouldn't you want to have your say? I would. In what I wore, in what I said, in what I did, I would want to get my feelings out there if I thought they could create a better place. And let's be honest, we are already highly influenced by what Hollywood has to say or we wouldn't be going to the movies. I know people that have chosen to boycott an actor and I think that is great. I haven't seen another Quentin Tarantino movie since his appearance at an anti police rally. I have always loved his movies, but until I can figure out how to watch one that in no way financially supports him, I won't. But you can and we will still be friends. I appreciate that actresses are demanding equal pay for equal performances. I don't know how one measures that in a workplace that is based on what people want to see and what they are willing to pay to see. I would like to see all of Hollywood to make a little less money and see that trickle down to the box office at my local Cinemark so I could see more movies in the theater!
More than anything, people need to do the right thing. And the right thing for you doesn't have to be the right thing for me and surprise, we can still get along. I am all about the conversation, trying to see the other point of view, trying to understand why something is offensive to them, important to them or angers them. It has only made me more aware and more compassionate (yeah, I went there). I gladly look forward to the day when we can stop being so horrible to each other. I gladly claim my share of the blame. Share your thoughts. Thanks for reading my award show speech!
As I said, I didn't watch the Golden Globes, but knew that most would wear black as a sign of solidarity with women and men that have been sexually harassed in the workplace. I love that Oprah pointed out that these were women, because honestly that is the usual victim, in fields away from Hollywood. Women trying to feed their kids and pay their bills do not have the luxury of always speaking up. In my working life, I have seen two clear cases of harassment and neither woman spoke up because of fear of losing their job which meant losing their homes, insurance, car... you get the picture. The first case was during my first job at the hardware store. The second case, just a few years ago at my current job. I didn't really know what I was seeing the first time but the second time, I was aware and ready to help my co worker out. But she was too afraid. I wish more people could understand that fear. Ironically though, when women started coming forward in Hollywood (and I use Hollywood as an all encompassing group of movie industry people) she did not have the sympathy for them for waiting to say something. She wasn't sexually harassed, just harassed, that was her reasoning. I couldn't make sense of her reasoning, and I guess it isn't up to me to make sense of it. I had assumed that she would understand.
I am sure that I have been sexually harassed. I know I have had plenty of inappropriate things said to me when I worked in the hardware store. When I was an adult, I don't know that I even heard the remarks that grown men made. I hope that my face showed either contempt or sympathy for their incredible lack of maturity. But when I was a teen, I know that my face showed bright red when someone said something sexual about the nuts, screws, rods they were buying. My friendly little self would say "Hi, how are you?" and they'd answer "fine, and you?" I naively said "I'm fine!" and they'd say "I bet you are." What kind of man does that? Thankfully one of the Jerrys or Dwayne would be in ear shot and would quickly correct them. Because I had a defender, I learned that people couldn't talk to me like that. I got thicker skin and a quicker wit. I worked for a local business and could get away with saying snotty responses when warranted. There was no such thing as a call to corporate to complain. More than once I saw my boss show someone the door. Now, I don't know what you could possibly say to me that I would consider sexually harassing me, but sure as it, I would turn you in. Because if you have found something vulgar enough to offend me, you have no place in the work place.
I think the hashtag #metoo served a very important purpose. I don't think it was to turn women against men. I don't think it was to make every man feel like he was a horrible person or that every woman was a victim. I think it was to make everyone aware that they were not alone in this, that they needed feel embarrassed or ashamed and that sexual harassment was a real, live breathing monster that was somehow ok. And it isn't. And if this hashtag means that women can eat bananas in the office lunchroom without hearing a snide comment then Thank You hashtag because it will also mean that the Frank Hart Jr's of the world won't get to pull their shit anymore either. In fact, it may just create a work environment where there are employees not men and women.
Another argument I have heard about the me too movement is that women that have really been sexually harassed and assaulted won't be believed because women are coming out of the woodwork claiming incidents that happened ten to twenty years ago. I have to wonder why would the person's allegations of twenty years ago have any bearing on the allegations of a person's made today? Should I base the claim of one woman up against the claim of another? If I go to the police and say that I was raped, should the police pull out the file of women that claimed rape but really were not and say "well we've had women say this before and it wasn't true, so you are lying, too?" Of course not!!! We should listen to each story, the facts of it and move forward from there with each story. This is not an all or nothing kind of situation. And yes, there are women who cry rape when they are not. There are women that will claim sexual harassment when they are not harassed and there will be women who use their sex as a way to get ahead in a job. YES! YES! YES! And I don't see how that argument applies here. If you come to me and tell me your story, I will listen and I will believe you until I have evidence not to believe you. Why in the world would I do that the other way around?
And as far as women coming forward years after the incident happened, I understand that. There are some things that one just doesn't realize happened until later in life. Or they have finally come to realize that what happened wasn't their fault and that they no longer needed to feel guilt about it. Or they just didn't think people would believe them, and they were probably right.
Now let's stop blaming the victim, shall we!
Oprah Winfrey for president. It is discouraging that a joke from an awards show host could move so fast in this world to be a hashtag, many memes and sadly, many hateful facebook pages. I am not saying that Winfrey as a candidate would be a bad idea, I would be very interested in this platform. I am saying that it is a bad idea to create such fury over something that is nothing. But the idea of a self made billionaire who has successfully run many businesses and has dogs as a president...I do think that a person like Winfrey would appoint the best people. She has a long career of listening to others, asking questions of experts, admitting her failings and demanding the respect of everyone she does business with, not by her attitude but by her actions.
One more thing... I don't mind that Hollywood talks about politics. They have an opinion just like I do, just like you do. And if you were afforded that platform, wouldn't you want to have your say? I would. In what I wore, in what I said, in what I did, I would want to get my feelings out there if I thought they could create a better place. And let's be honest, we are already highly influenced by what Hollywood has to say or we wouldn't be going to the movies. I know people that have chosen to boycott an actor and I think that is great. I haven't seen another Quentin Tarantino movie since his appearance at an anti police rally. I have always loved his movies, but until I can figure out how to watch one that in no way financially supports him, I won't. But you can and we will still be friends. I appreciate that actresses are demanding equal pay for equal performances. I don't know how one measures that in a workplace that is based on what people want to see and what they are willing to pay to see. I would like to see all of Hollywood to make a little less money and see that trickle down to the box office at my local Cinemark so I could see more movies in the theater!
More than anything, people need to do the right thing. And the right thing for you doesn't have to be the right thing for me and surprise, we can still get along. I am all about the conversation, trying to see the other point of view, trying to understand why something is offensive to them, important to them or angers them. It has only made me more aware and more compassionate (yeah, I went there). I gladly look forward to the day when we can stop being so horrible to each other. I gladly claim my share of the blame. Share your thoughts. Thanks for reading my award show speech!
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