There was a time not so terribly long ago that I would have answered number nine differently. But life experience and maturity have changed my answer for the better. I do view my life as abundant. I am no longer jealous or envious of the greener grass. I have learned that sometimes it takes a lot of shit to have that green of grass and I am perfectly happy with my lawn and life.
Years ago a friend of ours was building a home and every time we visited, I would leave there with a green streak running through my soul. I was jealous of the money they had, the nice things they had, the way their life seemed to go together. This jealousy invaded our friendship and made me such an ugly friend.
I think my jealous tendencies ended when Ashlyn was sick. I learned more lessons in the nine month period than all of the previous months of my life. Prior to that, I would be jealous of other's things, opportunities and good fortune. I knew that I had a pretty nice life, but I could easily drool over the clothes, TV's and cars of others. And it is embarrassing that it took a life or death situation to make me come to terms with my own haves and have nots.
I have frequently talked about the moment that I gave Ashlyn's battle to the Lord. In that moment so many feelings washed over me. I let go and let God and in that, I let go of more than I realized. My eyes saw my blessings, not my wants. I continue to feel blessed that I have been able to continue seeing with grateful eyes.
That is not to say that I still don't want for things, but it is without jealousy. I find the joy in someone else's vacation plans when there was a time I would have made a snide remark. I am happy for the new car or home purchase of anyone because I know how joyous I felt when I achieved those milestones. And I know that not everything is at it seems. Our incredible trip to Australia was because of the overwhelming kindness of strangers. I celebrate someones adventure because I don't know what brought them to that point. Our trip was a Make A Wish trip.
I have a roof over my head. That roof needs to be replaced, which is not a fun way to spend money, but I have the money to do it. I have car insurance due at the end of the month and am fortunate to have two cars to insure. I have had to increase Harlow's medicine. She will take three pills a week instead of two. I don't have to make the decision if it is her pills or my own that I buy, I can afford both.
All that I have talked about has been things. My life is abundant with things. I am able to have many nice things. I know that the things I have are just things.
There is not enough space on this hard drive for me to adequately describe how abundant my life is. I cannot find the words that describe how I feel when I see my children, everyday. I am the recipient of Danny's love and friendship always. There has been a parade of animals that chose not to run from this home, but to stay and guard me and protect me. I, at a moment's notice, have an unending list of people that I can call on for whatever I need. I know this because I have seen this unending list in action. This abundance was shown to me when Danny was deployed ten years ago, but my eyes were clouded and I couldn't see clearly. One would never think to describe a child's illness in a positive way, but it was because of Ashlyn's illness that I was able to see all the good in my life.
Everyday what I need is readily there. Everyday what I want is readily there. Call it what you like, favors, blessings, abundant gifts, I got em. Amen.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Head or Heart?
When I told Ashlyn today's question, she immediately answered with heart. I follow my heart instead of listening to my head. I would agree.
It is funny to think of how different my life would be if I had listened to my head back in 1989. Crazy to think there was much good to come out of the marriage of an eighteen year old and a twenty year old. There wasn't a statistic to support it. Add a baby the following year, another two years later and a third two years after that. Stupidity at its finest if you asked most logical people. But lucky for us, we weren't particularly logical people.
My heart said yes. I would stop to think about what I was doing every once in a while and when I did, I realized that I didn't know what I was doing. I had no idea what was coming my way but I knew that I loved him. Eight months after I married the guy, I knew that I loved the baby I was carrying. But I still didn't know how it was all going to work. I didn't know but I had the belief, the faith in us. Danny had even more faith as I was sure we would break this baby that was coming, he knew we would do just fine.
Maybe it was because we lived in an unpredictable culture that it made it easier to listen to our hearts over our heads. Maybe we just weren't mature enough to think things through. I don't know if it matters to me because we worked.
The article that I am getting my questions from says that the brain can lie, the heart can't. The mind likes a process and the heart just is. The brain weighs the pros and cons, which is not a bad thing, but it can stop us from taking risks. The heart knows the way to happiness.
When I was in seventh or eighth grade, Sister Irene would always advise us to go with our first answer. That piece of advice has stayed with me for thirty years and I return to that gem all the time. I think my first answer springs from my heart, or my gut, more often than not. The longer I have to mull something over, the more likely I am to doubt myself. And I think we have all come to realize that I have my shit together so the doubting part isn't really helpful.
Any earlier question talked about being open and I think this includes being open to what my heart has to say. My brain is busy storing the years of advice, comments and criticisms of the world. It is eager to throw bits and pieces out at me when my heart is gently tugging at me, wanting to express how I really feel.
And the funny thing is, my heart tells me that I don't love my job, that I am not happy there and my brain reminds me that I am 44, that my pay is good, that I have money in stocks and a 401K. And I ignore my heart because my brain has me shaking in my good for my feet sneakers. Sister Irene admonishes me for not going with my first answer. But I am not a thrill seeker, I don't bungee jump off bridges, I certainly don't walk away from a job. My brain says. My heart sniffles a little at the sadness of it all.
Maybe I am getting somewhere with these 10 questions.
It is funny to think of how different my life would be if I had listened to my head back in 1989. Crazy to think there was much good to come out of the marriage of an eighteen year old and a twenty year old. There wasn't a statistic to support it. Add a baby the following year, another two years later and a third two years after that. Stupidity at its finest if you asked most logical people. But lucky for us, we weren't particularly logical people.
My heart said yes. I would stop to think about what I was doing every once in a while and when I did, I realized that I didn't know what I was doing. I had no idea what was coming my way but I knew that I loved him. Eight months after I married the guy, I knew that I loved the baby I was carrying. But I still didn't know how it was all going to work. I didn't know but I had the belief, the faith in us. Danny had even more faith as I was sure we would break this baby that was coming, he knew we would do just fine.
Maybe it was because we lived in an unpredictable culture that it made it easier to listen to our hearts over our heads. Maybe we just weren't mature enough to think things through. I don't know if it matters to me because we worked.
The article that I am getting my questions from says that the brain can lie, the heart can't. The mind likes a process and the heart just is. The brain weighs the pros and cons, which is not a bad thing, but it can stop us from taking risks. The heart knows the way to happiness.
When I was in seventh or eighth grade, Sister Irene would always advise us to go with our first answer. That piece of advice has stayed with me for thirty years and I return to that gem all the time. I think my first answer springs from my heart, or my gut, more often than not. The longer I have to mull something over, the more likely I am to doubt myself. And I think we have all come to realize that I have my shit together so the doubting part isn't really helpful.
Any earlier question talked about being open and I think this includes being open to what my heart has to say. My brain is busy storing the years of advice, comments and criticisms of the world. It is eager to throw bits and pieces out at me when my heart is gently tugging at me, wanting to express how I really feel.
And the funny thing is, my heart tells me that I don't love my job, that I am not happy there and my brain reminds me that I am 44, that my pay is good, that I have money in stocks and a 401K. And I ignore my heart because my brain has me shaking in my good for my feet sneakers. Sister Irene admonishes me for not going with my first answer. But I am not a thrill seeker, I don't bungee jump off bridges, I certainly don't walk away from a job. My brain says. My heart sniffles a little at the sadness of it all.
Maybe I am getting somewhere with these 10 questions.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Refer to an earlier blog
What are the greatest wounds that I've healed?
Literally? The cuts on my arms. Medically speaking, they were not deep wounds. I suppose one or two could have done with a butterfly stitch. If I would have used polysporin regularly, some would have never scarred. And now, thirty one years after the first scars were created, I cannot even identify which ones those are. The more recent are still clear to me, my right arm used to be seven slashes, but have faded to six.
I have scar cream that I put on many of the other scars I have. The accidental scars. Hot pans and sharp rocks. But the self inflicted, those scars have to stay, I have to always know where I have been, not that I will ever return. I like the reminder though, that I once was weak and hated and now I am strong and loved.
I don't know that I can clearly articulate what the emotional wounds were that led to the physical ones. I suppose forty five minutes on a doctor's couch could give me some sort of diagnosis, but that is not important to me. I know enough. I know that between the ages of thirteen and thirty five, I would have raging moments of self doubt and hate. I know that when the feelings were more than I could handle, I physically released my pain. I know that sometimes it was for attention but I don't recall my parents ever knowing that I cut.
I will never go down that road again. I walked away from hating myself all on my own. I remember one time that a psychiatrist wanted to prescribe drugs and I knew that was not the answer. I felt that drugs would mask what was really feeling and living behind a mask would have been far worse than living with the pain.
The first sentence following question #7 is 'Think of the moments in life when you've been the most tested.' I would not say that when I was cutting, I was being tested. I was tested when Danny deployed, when Ashlyn was sick and a few other times. Granted, I was cutting when Danny was in Iraq, but I think we all know that I was one giant nutball during that deployment. I was lashing out at life in general and God and Danny is specific.
I know what has tested me and I know what I have learned. I have learned that it takes a community. Thank you Paul Simon, but I am not a rock, I am not an island. I learned that there is no shame in receiving help. I learned that we are all in this together. I don't do a very good job of living those life lessons but at least I have learned them. In the same way that I have learned algebra and spelling, I suppose.
On the flip side though, I have also learned that there are a lot of people out there that have no desire to heal from their wounds. They would rather sit there and pick at he scab then to cover it with a soothing salve and get on with living. I don't have the patience for scab pickers. I oddly didn't learn compassion.
Literally? The cuts on my arms. Medically speaking, they were not deep wounds. I suppose one or two could have done with a butterfly stitch. If I would have used polysporin regularly, some would have never scarred. And now, thirty one years after the first scars were created, I cannot even identify which ones those are. The more recent are still clear to me, my right arm used to be seven slashes, but have faded to six.
I have scar cream that I put on many of the other scars I have. The accidental scars. Hot pans and sharp rocks. But the self inflicted, those scars have to stay, I have to always know where I have been, not that I will ever return. I like the reminder though, that I once was weak and hated and now I am strong and loved.
I don't know that I can clearly articulate what the emotional wounds were that led to the physical ones. I suppose forty five minutes on a doctor's couch could give me some sort of diagnosis, but that is not important to me. I know enough. I know that between the ages of thirteen and thirty five, I would have raging moments of self doubt and hate. I know that when the feelings were more than I could handle, I physically released my pain. I know that sometimes it was for attention but I don't recall my parents ever knowing that I cut.
I will never go down that road again. I walked away from hating myself all on my own. I remember one time that a psychiatrist wanted to prescribe drugs and I knew that was not the answer. I felt that drugs would mask what was really feeling and living behind a mask would have been far worse than living with the pain.
The first sentence following question #7 is 'Think of the moments in life when you've been the most tested.' I would not say that when I was cutting, I was being tested. I was tested when Danny deployed, when Ashlyn was sick and a few other times. Granted, I was cutting when Danny was in Iraq, but I think we all know that I was one giant nutball during that deployment. I was lashing out at life in general and God and Danny is specific.
I know what has tested me and I know what I have learned. I have learned that it takes a community. Thank you Paul Simon, but I am not a rock, I am not an island. I learned that there is no shame in receiving help. I learned that we are all in this together. I don't do a very good job of living those life lessons but at least I have learned them. In the same way that I have learned algebra and spelling, I suppose.
On the flip side though, I have also learned that there are a lot of people out there that have no desire to heal from their wounds. They would rather sit there and pick at he scab then to cover it with a soothing salve and get on with living. I don't have the patience for scab pickers. I oddly didn't learn compassion.
Friday, March 14, 2014
No Expectations
Do I always expect a certain outcome? Question #6 is making me think.
According to the article, going into situations with an expectation can keep one from being open to what may be. I understand that idea, but I also think it is important to go into situtations with a postive attitude. As for me, that has not always been the case.
I had a talent for getting myself so worked up by what could happen, what could go wrong, that I could not be open to enjoy the moment. I would start playing senerios in my mind a few days before the event. I would work myself into a bit of a frenzy and by the time the moment arrived, I would be sick with what ifs. My guard would be up. The moment was no longer enjoyable. It sucked.
Time and more time has helped me get to the point where I let the situation surprise me. Sure, sometimes people still suck and sometimes I still spend the evening telling myself "I told you so". But more often than not, a good time is had by all.
Distance from bad situations has let me see that most of life's situations have been grand. I can count on one hand (twice) the moments that really, really sucked. In some of those situations, my attitude was part of the problem.
Today, I am much better about going with the flow. I have learned to ignore a lot of the crap that ruins a day. Sure, idiots and mean people still get me down, but I bounce back up a lot quicker.
The article suggested that going into a situation without expectation leaves one open to all the possiblities. I am open to that. Had I kept my old habit of knowing the outcome before I even started, I would have missed out on riding a surfboard in the warm pacific. I would not have stepped into a harness and allowed myself to be clipped to a cable that extended across the expanse of a New Zealand forest. But thankfully a few old habits never die and I did not step into the second harness, the one that lifted Danny up 148 feet above a perfectly good ground. I couldn't help but think that bungee jumping would not be fun and I kept that expectation.
Maybe, just maybe I should change the title to Great Expectations and be open to that.
According to the article, going into situations with an expectation can keep one from being open to what may be. I understand that idea, but I also think it is important to go into situtations with a postive attitude. As for me, that has not always been the case.
I had a talent for getting myself so worked up by what could happen, what could go wrong, that I could not be open to enjoy the moment. I would start playing senerios in my mind a few days before the event. I would work myself into a bit of a frenzy and by the time the moment arrived, I would be sick with what ifs. My guard would be up. The moment was no longer enjoyable. It sucked.
Time and more time has helped me get to the point where I let the situation surprise me. Sure, sometimes people still suck and sometimes I still spend the evening telling myself "I told you so". But more often than not, a good time is had by all.
Distance from bad situations has let me see that most of life's situations have been grand. I can count on one hand (twice) the moments that really, really sucked. In some of those situations, my attitude was part of the problem.
Today, I am much better about going with the flow. I have learned to ignore a lot of the crap that ruins a day. Sure, idiots and mean people still get me down, but I bounce back up a lot quicker.
The article suggested that going into a situation without expectation leaves one open to all the possiblities. I am open to that. Had I kept my old habit of knowing the outcome before I even started, I would have missed out on riding a surfboard in the warm pacific. I would not have stepped into a harness and allowed myself to be clipped to a cable that extended across the expanse of a New Zealand forest. But thankfully a few old habits never die and I did not step into the second harness, the one that lifted Danny up 148 feet above a perfectly good ground. I couldn't help but think that bungee jumping would not be fun and I kept that expectation.
Maybe, just maybe I should change the title to Great Expectations and be open to that.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Let It Go Let It Go
If you know me well then you will not be surprised by my answer to question number five.
Can I let the past go? HELL NO! I carry the past around in a multi directional wheeled suitcase. Sometimes I think I have no room for future plans because I am so full of past regrets. Ok, that was a little dramatic but I thought it read well. Anyway, I have a hard time letting go. I'm like Elsa in the first part of Frozen.
When I think about negative experiences that I am trying to avoid in the future, the only one that comes to mind is when my dog bit a child in my care. From that, I became uber vigilant about kids around my dogs. I was always nervous when children came to our house even after we had adopted new dogs. That fear and shame lingered. It still does.
Letting go of past hurts and embarrassments are hard. The hurts tend to harden our hearts and create a kind of protective shield. The embarrassments serve as reminders to keep our heads out of our asses. I think it is important to keep a little of the hurt or embarrassment around to keep me safe. But it also so important to let go of the hurt caused by others if the hurt keeps hurting me. I had once kept a hurt with the intention that I would let it go when I was apologized to. I hadn't considered that the apology would never come. So the original hurt became not a shield, but a burden. I had to let it go. I had to forgive. I didn't forget though and I learned the warning signs so I would avoid that hurt again. Forgiving, in that instance, was more about me than the other person.
I have discovered that getting rid of the past has also meant getting rid of some of the people that the past is attached to. I have learned if I take a lot of that crap out of my suitcase, I have more room for souvenirs. I can make it to the next adventure without being weighed down. I laugh more, I live better.
If I am being really honest here, and I am. I think I hold on to the past as a crutch. If I fail then I can say to myself that they said I would fail. But I don't think I will fail so why I bother remembering that they think I would fail is beyond me. I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I got my shit going on. Right?
I don't think there is anything in my past that is stopping me from moving forward. Just like everyone, I have had my feelings hurt. I have had my heart broken. I have had disappointment. I have been made the fool. There gets to the point when one has to get over it and I think I am there, have been there for a while.
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold sucks (I adlibbed that part).
Can I let the past go? HELL NO! I carry the past around in a multi directional wheeled suitcase. Sometimes I think I have no room for future plans because I am so full of past regrets. Ok, that was a little dramatic but I thought it read well. Anyway, I have a hard time letting go. I'm like Elsa in the first part of Frozen.
When I think about negative experiences that I am trying to avoid in the future, the only one that comes to mind is when my dog bit a child in my care. From that, I became uber vigilant about kids around my dogs. I was always nervous when children came to our house even after we had adopted new dogs. That fear and shame lingered. It still does.
Letting go of past hurts and embarrassments are hard. The hurts tend to harden our hearts and create a kind of protective shield. The embarrassments serve as reminders to keep our heads out of our asses. I think it is important to keep a little of the hurt or embarrassment around to keep me safe. But it also so important to let go of the hurt caused by others if the hurt keeps hurting me. I had once kept a hurt with the intention that I would let it go when I was apologized to. I hadn't considered that the apology would never come. So the original hurt became not a shield, but a burden. I had to let it go. I had to forgive. I didn't forget though and I learned the warning signs so I would avoid that hurt again. Forgiving, in that instance, was more about me than the other person.
I have discovered that getting rid of the past has also meant getting rid of some of the people that the past is attached to. I have learned if I take a lot of that crap out of my suitcase, I have more room for souvenirs. I can make it to the next adventure without being weighed down. I laugh more, I live better.
If I am being really honest here, and I am. I think I hold on to the past as a crutch. If I fail then I can say to myself that they said I would fail. But I don't think I will fail so why I bother remembering that they think I would fail is beyond me. I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I got my shit going on. Right?
I don't think there is anything in my past that is stopping me from moving forward. Just like everyone, I have had my feelings hurt. I have had my heart broken. I have had disappointment. I have been made the fool. There gets to the point when one has to get over it and I think I am there, have been there for a while.
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold sucks (I adlibbed that part).
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I got my shit going on
Do I trust my own inner guidance?
Well, after reading the paragraph that followed the question, I would say no. I am constantly second guessing my thoughts and decisions. Danny is on repeat with reassuring answers. At 44, I should be able to listen to myself and know what the correct answer is for me.
At 44 it is silly that I give much of a damn about what people think of me, but it obvious that I still do want approval. I write this blog, don't I? If I really want to get down to it, I do question myself and my abilities quite frequently because there is, tucked way back in the back of my mind, that voice.
Do you know the voice? It is the one that calls me "Annie". It is the one that is pretty condescending. It is the voice that makes me feel worthless. It is the voice I respond to with excuses and lies. I hate that freakin voice but it has been there so long that I find it hard to kick it to the curb.
That voice is getting in the way of me listening to me. It is the voice of self doubt. I don't think I put the voice there. I think it was put there by people who did not have faith in me or my abilities. I let the voice stay. So it's on me now to get rid of it.
So, the paragraph suggests that to tune into my own innate wisdom I must free myself from the filters of fear and doubt and free myself from other people's ideas and expectations (yeah, Annie). Well, that sounds like fancy talk for "I don't give a rat's ass what you think- I got my shit going on." So how do I do that? I think I just say "I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I got my shit going on" frequently.
Let's look at the facts. Had I listened to what others were telling me to do, I would not have married Danny, I would not have had two more babies, I would not have had nearly the fun that I have had.
So, this looks like as good a time as any to give this a try...
I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I GOT my shit going on. Yeah, that feels about right.
Well, after reading the paragraph that followed the question, I would say no. I am constantly second guessing my thoughts and decisions. Danny is on repeat with reassuring answers. At 44, I should be able to listen to myself and know what the correct answer is for me.
At 44 it is silly that I give much of a damn about what people think of me, but it obvious that I still do want approval. I write this blog, don't I? If I really want to get down to it, I do question myself and my abilities quite frequently because there is, tucked way back in the back of my mind, that voice.
Do you know the voice? It is the one that calls me "Annie". It is the one that is pretty condescending. It is the voice that makes me feel worthless. It is the voice I respond to with excuses and lies. I hate that freakin voice but it has been there so long that I find it hard to kick it to the curb.
That voice is getting in the way of me listening to me. It is the voice of self doubt. I don't think I put the voice there. I think it was put there by people who did not have faith in me or my abilities. I let the voice stay. So it's on me now to get rid of it.
So, the paragraph suggests that to tune into my own innate wisdom I must free myself from the filters of fear and doubt and free myself from other people's ideas and expectations (yeah, Annie). Well, that sounds like fancy talk for "I don't give a rat's ass what you think- I got my shit going on." So how do I do that? I think I just say "I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I got my shit going on" frequently.
Let's look at the facts. Had I listened to what others were telling me to do, I would not have married Danny, I would not have had two more babies, I would not have had nearly the fun that I have had.
So, this looks like as good a time as any to give this a try...
I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I GOT my shit going on. Yeah, that feels about right.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
This Question is Kind of a Whammy
When have I felt the most radiant?
Radiant- Like when I have I felt the most alive, the most purpose filled, the most loved? That's some heavy duty thinking for me.
Easily, those moments when I first met Ashlyn, Hayley and Jacob are the moments that I have felt the most powerful and successful. Bringing a life from point A to point B is pretty powerful and actually getting them there is a huge success. But I can't go around having babies all the time so though it is the most obvious, it will be shelved for the remainder of this blog.
So the heart of this question is that when I felt most radiant I was probably doing what I was called to do.
I was happy when Danny and I were night managers at Extreme Body Shaping. I was really surprised by how much I enjoyed the work I did there. I think because taking an exercise class was a big step outside my comfort zone. Being successful at that followed by signing people up for exercise classes made me feel like I was certainly offering something to someone that was worthwhile. When I started teaching, first bands, and later kickboxing, I felt invincible. Especially when I knew that people were actually getting a good work out on my watch.
I have often thought about getting back into that type of activity. FXB has changed up their formula just enough that it feels like a terribly remodeled home. By no means do I mean that the program is bad, its just not comfortable to me. I have gone back a couple of times and, well sometimes one can't go home.
So I have considered the Y or other workout facilities, but have never taken that leap.
I do remember when we lived in SoCal in 1992 and I would do double work outs with Denise Austin and Gilead. Denise Austin was introduced as a exercise physiologist. I had no idea what that was, but was curious about it as a career. And then I got pregnant and I was radiant for a different reason.
But when Danny and I were talking about buying the FXB location, I was not radiant. I was sick with the idea of taking on that kind of debt and responsibility. Plus we had new issues to take care of shortly after we decided against the purchase. But I do regret not keeping exercise in my life in a more prominent way. Maybe I need to revisit that again, seek out different avenues that are available to me, or maybe I just need to pop in the DVD of my old friend Denise and radiate for free.
I don't think that is where I am supposed to be, exercising with people. I don't find my heart pulled there. I cannot articulate how my heart is being pulled.
Oh, the last time I was radiant was on vacation, but not because I was on vacation but because I was with people I loved. You will find me that radiant tomorrow night when Ashlyn and I go to the movies. I will be that radiant this weekend when Hayley comes home for the weekend. Apparently I light up when Danny stops in at work to take me to lunch. I practically beam when Jacob pops by to get more hair color, Arizona tea and candy bars. But that is a different kind of radiant from the fulfilled by my job radiant. That is the WOW look how blessed I am kind of radiant. (which is the best kind)
Radiant- Like when I have I felt the most alive, the most purpose filled, the most loved? That's some heavy duty thinking for me.
Easily, those moments when I first met Ashlyn, Hayley and Jacob are the moments that I have felt the most powerful and successful. Bringing a life from point A to point B is pretty powerful and actually getting them there is a huge success. But I can't go around having babies all the time so though it is the most obvious, it will be shelved for the remainder of this blog.
So the heart of this question is that when I felt most radiant I was probably doing what I was called to do.
I was happy when Danny and I were night managers at Extreme Body Shaping. I was really surprised by how much I enjoyed the work I did there. I think because taking an exercise class was a big step outside my comfort zone. Being successful at that followed by signing people up for exercise classes made me feel like I was certainly offering something to someone that was worthwhile. When I started teaching, first bands, and later kickboxing, I felt invincible. Especially when I knew that people were actually getting a good work out on my watch.
I have often thought about getting back into that type of activity. FXB has changed up their formula just enough that it feels like a terribly remodeled home. By no means do I mean that the program is bad, its just not comfortable to me. I have gone back a couple of times and, well sometimes one can't go home.
So I have considered the Y or other workout facilities, but have never taken that leap.
I do remember when we lived in SoCal in 1992 and I would do double work outs with Denise Austin and Gilead. Denise Austin was introduced as a exercise physiologist. I had no idea what that was, but was curious about it as a career. And then I got pregnant and I was radiant for a different reason.
But when Danny and I were talking about buying the FXB location, I was not radiant. I was sick with the idea of taking on that kind of debt and responsibility. Plus we had new issues to take care of shortly after we decided against the purchase. But I do regret not keeping exercise in my life in a more prominent way. Maybe I need to revisit that again, seek out different avenues that are available to me, or maybe I just need to pop in the DVD of my old friend Denise and radiate for free.
I don't think that is where I am supposed to be, exercising with people. I don't find my heart pulled there. I cannot articulate how my heart is being pulled.
Oh, the last time I was radiant was on vacation, but not because I was on vacation but because I was with people I loved. You will find me that radiant tomorrow night when Ashlyn and I go to the movies. I will be that radiant this weekend when Hayley comes home for the weekend. Apparently I light up when Danny stops in at work to take me to lunch. I practically beam when Jacob pops by to get more hair color, Arizona tea and candy bars. But that is a different kind of radiant from the fulfilled by my job radiant. That is the WOW look how blessed I am kind of radiant. (which is the best kind)
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