So I can spend much of my day blowing holes in last night's experience. I can go on and on about how ridiculous it is that I would believe I was a scientist. It is the scientist part I am having a hard time with, not the living on Atlantis. I mean, someone had to live on Atlantis, so why not a former me, but scientist. I flunked chemistry my junior year. I think if I were a scientist on Atlantis, then I could have pushed my way through junior year chem. Of course, I did miss a week of school that year due to my extra curricular activities so my time on Atlantis really wouldn't have come into play. But then again, why couldn't I have been a scientist. A mad one at that.
Anyway, I have to decide what I believe. Do I believe in reincarnation? I don't know. I did have deja vu with my cat once. If I believe in reincarnation than I do believe that the essence of one life would follow to the next. But that also means that I don't believe that the soul immediately goes to heaven. Or maybe the soul multiplies like a single celled amoeba having sex. I don't know. Is this all there is? Is this enough? Is heaven the ultimate goal or is it ashes to ashes and just dust to dust?
Last night began with the medium reading me and opening me up. It was then that she discovered my past. I can take that or leave that. It is fun, it is interesting, it is possible.
I just keep going back to two things that we discussed last night-
My potential. Oh come on, let this go already.
My faith. Yes, we are back to that again.
Does God have a plan for me? Well everyone seems to think so because they say shit like "it is all part of God's plan" or "It wasn't part of God's plan." Tie that up neatly with living to one's potential and worse, that I am living to my potential and I have to wonder why God and I have so little faith in me. If this, and by this, I mean my job, is my potential.
Yes, I am a good wife and fine mother. I am assuming that actually. Danny says nice things about me and stuff, but I can't be really sure. And the kinder do give me hugs and send me texts and get me the perfect gifts. So I must be solid there. And I don't feel like that woman that wonders "is this all there is?" Because I know, for as kick ass wife and mothering is, that isn't all there is and I have never felt like it was or had to be. I have spent a great deal of my life identifying as White's Wife or Ashlyn, Hayley, Jacob's mom. So when the medium talked about me being more than that, I didn't feel like I was being slighted. I am a wife and mom, I identify with that but
This is the most ridiculous first world problem ever. I realize that. And you are all fools to read this utter nonsense but because I have sloppy handwriting and I like the sound of typing, I am going to keep on with this blog. You have been warned. Keep reading. Follow my s
Holy shit! No wonder I don't like open water. I was probably on Atlantis when it sunk in the ocean. It makes perfect sense
As I was saying...
Follow my slow decent into madness.
A writer. You should be a writer. I heard that a lot when I wrote the Ashlyn Alerts many years ago. I am a writer. I am not published. No one is buying my work. I am not holding book signings. But I am a writer. I don't pursue the published writer path for many reasons. I have no idea. I love to write like this, just off the cuff with little sense. I have yet to find a subject that I can turn into something more. I don't want the rejection. I am terrified of the rejection. Getting published is no easy feat. I have researched it. I could probably do pretty well with a historical romance, heavy on the petting and light on the historical. Penthouse Forum is always publishing but I don't think they do book signings. All the good wizard, vampire, new world order themed books have been written. Not that I could have thought of any of those. Maybe I will look up to the clouds and find an idea for my novel. Seriously, it may be as easy as that.
I don't think I have used the F word yet in this piece. I am coming to terms with this experience.
The medium did not make me feel less for myself. What is so difficult is to have someone else recognize the struggle that I am having. That makes it real. That is what hurt so much is that I can hide this huge self worth issue from myself, but I can't hide it from someone that is gifted to see inside me. Does that make sense?
Our time ran short and we didn't get to talk much about God. Why is this relationship with God so hard for me? Jesus, just help a sister out! Funny how the more I search for answers the more fucked up I become. BUT my chakra is wide open and that is a good thing.
You are all very sweet to take this ride with me. It is long and rambling and is just how I am going to have to get there. I am not done looking for answers. I may start looking in some odd places. I am still looking for signs and am just a little peeved that God doesn't show up Old Testament style with a burning bush because honestly, I could use a shrub on fire right about now.
Oh, I was a healer. And I feel so broken now.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
My Visit to the Medium
Not a God Damn Thing.
I went to a medium tonight with the hopes of talking to my mom, my husband's grandmother and my dogs. That's all. I just wanted to know that all in the afterlife was cool. I wanted to know that my dogs were together and that they were still lolloping about the yard. That's all.
But Fuck No! I learned about some past lives. And yes, I believe in past lives. I don't know if these were my lives but let's go with it.
I was a scientist on Atlantis. I worked for the good of humankind. Too bad I was on a sinking ship, so to speak. I was a man. Very analytical.
I was a native American warrior. I was young. I would watch the clouds for solutions to my problems. I don't watch the clouds much now, sometimes when I am in the pool, but I am not usually looking for answers.
I was a writer in Connecticut. My name was Willa or Wilma. I wrote about the things I wanted to do. My husband died in his fifties and I lived a long life without him.
My Grandma Martin was present. She didn't talk to me, just asked the medium some questions about what was going on. I have no reason to doubt it. In life, she wanted to know what was happening in other people's lives. Not as a gossip, just as a well informed observer. I did not have a sense of her being there.
Man, I really weighed going. After Crissy shared her experience, I wanted to go. I wanted to have some earth shaking, heart lifting moment. But I was afraid. I was afraid that Mom wouldn't be there or would say something disapproving. But I didn't expect this.
How many times can I use the word FUCK in this essay to express my feelings? I hope I was a better writer in Connecticut than I am here today. I cannot even find the words to describe how I am feeling. Empty. Fucking empty. That's better.
It appears that I am audio clairvoyant. I don't want to lay quietly at night and learn the house sounds so that I may hear the voices. I don't ever recall hearing my name when no one was around. I do see the flashes of blond and fawn in the yard. I do not hear their barks or yawns.
I was a healer. In a past life. I do not want to be part of the medical world now. Not one little bit.
In this life I am not living to my potential. Seriously? Like selling beauty supplies is any one's potential. But I really didn't need someone to remind me of this two months before my 45th birthday. Potential ship has already sailed. I have struggled and prayed and searched for what I was meant to do and have never felt a pull or saw a sign or heard a whisper. I don't want to start over. I don't want to keep being reminded that there was more for me and I somehow missed it.
I just wanted some peace in my struggle with faith. I wanted to know that my dogs were ok. I wanted to know I wasn't crazy when I imagined that Rita found Lucy on that awful day six years ago.
My crown chakra is wide open. That is where the god is. I am very spiritual. I don't feel very spiritual. I feel...
It is unbelievable to me that I am this upset. That this reading has left me feeling so terribly alone. I cannot find a better word for it.
I am supposed to make a change. In fact I cannot go back to her until I do. But what kind of change? I am tired of looking. I am tired of feeling like this is the best I am going to be. I am just worn out. Unreal how exhausted I feel. And the shit of it is is that I don't have any place to go to get any more answers.
Scorpios apparently feel more deeply. I always thought I was good at shutting feelings off. I wish I were still that analytical scientist.
I am not even going to proof read this. My sweet ramblings of a night gone terribly off course.
And I don't dismiss this night as craziness or tom foolery. I know there is truth to a lot of what was said. Or maybe this was my visit to the wizard.
Yeah, I don't know. I am exhausted.
I went to a medium tonight with the hopes of talking to my mom, my husband's grandmother and my dogs. That's all. I just wanted to know that all in the afterlife was cool. I wanted to know that my dogs were together and that they were still lolloping about the yard. That's all.
But Fuck No! I learned about some past lives. And yes, I believe in past lives. I don't know if these were my lives but let's go with it.
I was a scientist on Atlantis. I worked for the good of humankind. Too bad I was on a sinking ship, so to speak. I was a man. Very analytical.
I was a native American warrior. I was young. I would watch the clouds for solutions to my problems. I don't watch the clouds much now, sometimes when I am in the pool, but I am not usually looking for answers.
I was a writer in Connecticut. My name was Willa or Wilma. I wrote about the things I wanted to do. My husband died in his fifties and I lived a long life without him.
My Grandma Martin was present. She didn't talk to me, just asked the medium some questions about what was going on. I have no reason to doubt it. In life, she wanted to know what was happening in other people's lives. Not as a gossip, just as a well informed observer. I did not have a sense of her being there.
Man, I really weighed going. After Crissy shared her experience, I wanted to go. I wanted to have some earth shaking, heart lifting moment. But I was afraid. I was afraid that Mom wouldn't be there or would say something disapproving. But I didn't expect this.
How many times can I use the word FUCK in this essay to express my feelings? I hope I was a better writer in Connecticut than I am here today. I cannot even find the words to describe how I am feeling. Empty. Fucking empty. That's better.
It appears that I am audio clairvoyant. I don't want to lay quietly at night and learn the house sounds so that I may hear the voices. I don't ever recall hearing my name when no one was around. I do see the flashes of blond and fawn in the yard. I do not hear their barks or yawns.
I was a healer. In a past life. I do not want to be part of the medical world now. Not one little bit.
In this life I am not living to my potential. Seriously? Like selling beauty supplies is any one's potential. But I really didn't need someone to remind me of this two months before my 45th birthday. Potential ship has already sailed. I have struggled and prayed and searched for what I was meant to do and have never felt a pull or saw a sign or heard a whisper. I don't want to start over. I don't want to keep being reminded that there was more for me and I somehow missed it.
I just wanted some peace in my struggle with faith. I wanted to know that my dogs were ok. I wanted to know I wasn't crazy when I imagined that Rita found Lucy on that awful day six years ago.
My crown chakra is wide open. That is where the god is. I am very spiritual. I don't feel very spiritual. I feel...
It is unbelievable to me that I am this upset. That this reading has left me feeling so terribly alone. I cannot find a better word for it.
I am supposed to make a change. In fact I cannot go back to her until I do. But what kind of change? I am tired of looking. I am tired of feeling like this is the best I am going to be. I am just worn out. Unreal how exhausted I feel. And the shit of it is is that I don't have any place to go to get any more answers.
Scorpios apparently feel more deeply. I always thought I was good at shutting feelings off. I wish I were still that analytical scientist.
I am not even going to proof read this. My sweet ramblings of a night gone terribly off course.
And I don't dismiss this night as craziness or tom foolery. I know there is truth to a lot of what was said. Or maybe this was my visit to the wizard.
Yeah, I don't know. I am exhausted.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Not Fact Checking These Opinions
A lot of shit is happening and yet, Kardashians and fall fashion tips are in my news feed. It saddens me that this is news. Don't get me wrong, I read about famous people and fashion and tiny houses, but that's after I have read about the ebola virus, ISIS, the Ukraine, minimum wage debate. I am by no means educated, but I try, seriously, I do try.
So as the title tells you, I'm not fact checking. These are my opinions that I offer and not so humbly so.
The ebola virus. That shit is for real. I don't understand why we cannot air drop a hundred thousand boxes of gloves? Pony up Walgreens. That is not even $10,000 retail. I am sure that Angelina Jolie would foot the bill for the flight, Bill Gates could cover the parachute. Seriously, when the clinic sink consists of two five gallon buckets and a bottle of bleach, we need to help out. This isn't only Africa's problem anymore. There is a third American victim to be hospitalized in Omaha. Why Omaha? If the CDC hospital already treated two people successfully, maybe they should continue. Minimize the risk of people freaking out (Trump). I kid you not though, I am washing my hands just a little more these days and wiping down the counters. I don't make it a habit of touching other people's bodily fluids but it still is a little crazy to have a disease like this just down the road. All seems very zombie-esque.
CVS doesn't sell cigarettes anymore! Hooray for CVS. They have also changed their name to CVS Health. I like that stand that they have taken. I suppose they will lose some money not that there is much mark up in smokes. It is mostly kick backs from the tobacco companies. But giving up that kick back also means they give up dealing with tobacco stings and the fines that can follow. They may have a little less employee turn over if they don't have to fire someone for failing a sting which equals less training expense with new hire. They will not have to deal with tobacco reps which seem to be some of the nastiest reps in the retail world. There will be less man hours spent on checking in, counting and filling of cigarettes and most importantly, there will no longer be the pain in the ass dealings with people who forgot their ID, have their money in the bar or shoe or meth laced pockets. There will no longer be that POS that throws a brick through the front door to load up on Marlboro Golds in the hard pack. Thumbs up CVS.
McDonalds employees want $15 an hour. That seems fair. Thirty three percent of my orders have not been correct. You should earn that much. OR you get minimum wage, which sucks. Then you show up to work clean and on time. You are pleasant to the customer, get the order right, do the job without complaint and earn more based on your merit. I love that idea! Granted, the current wage of $7.50 is not enough to live off of if you are the sole bread winner for a family of four, but it is plenty to live off of if you are 16. And please don't give me the argument that the wage should be based on age because I can show you many cases where the 16 year old worked harder and better than the adult.
And if the wage is increased, what happens to people like me that are making a living wage, have put in the time and nurtured the talent? Will I get an increase as well? Will my wage double? Probably not. The gap between a new employee and a seasoned one will tighten. The old timers will get pissed having to do more for less. I know I will. And retailers will probably raise the prices to cover this increase in wage. I cannot imagine paying $8 for a quarter pounder meal, no pickle or onion with a sweet tea, no ice just so anyone can make $15 an hour to start at McDonalds.
ISIS. That group of sons of bitches are for real. This is a beast that has to be stopped by any means because they will bring their ruthless fight to us. Lock up our borders. I understand that there are a lot of people south of us that just want the American Dream, but we have to understand that it isn't the pursuit of the American Dream that these assholes are pursing. They are hell bent on blowing the AD up city by city. If there as ever been a time to get our immigration system shored up, this may be it. And I am not advocating racial profiling because the last two photos I have seen of would be "freedom fighters" from America showed a kid that could have graduated with Jacob and a loser that could have worked at McDonalds for $7.50 an hour. Many of ISIS are well educated, well off men. I suppose a fair number are looking for adventure, but most are looking for their 72 virgins post AD destruction. This is no time for pansy assed diplomacy. I don't think this is the time to worry about racial profiling or religious persecution or any of the ACLU touchy feely crap. This is the time to pull up our big kid pants and double tap those sons of bitches.
Let's not forget that these SOB's do not advocate an education for women. They have no regard for the history of the region. They believe that it is their way or the no way. It is times like this that I am reminded of the great American poet, Toby Keith. "This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage." I think two beheadings is more than a rattle. It's gonna get ugly, that's for damn sure.
I truly know nothing about the Ukraine. I know Putin looks like the evil mastermind in just about every spy movie I have ever watched. He's tricky.
Lastly, there is my thoughts on store receipt surveys. It has come to my attention that jobs have been threatened by various corporations because not enough customers/patients/clients are responding to the surveys. This is ridiculous. I am a letter writer. Some folks around these parts call me "Johnny Letter" and I let them. I write (email) companies all the time. Give me great service and I am excited to let the big guys know. I think they usually just hear the bad so I like to toot the horn of positivity! Piss me off and it's on. Make one disparaging remark about my dog and I expecting a gift card or three. But if you give me just regular, run of the mill service than I am going to not email or call because you did what was expected- nothing more or less. But now that I have learned that this threat hangs over the already over burdened heads of store managers, I am a survey taking fool. No one should feel like they may lose their job because John Q. Public does not want to press 9 on his mobile for six to eight minutes with the very slim chance of winning a gift card, or getting five dollars off a purchase of $25 or more or getting free fries and drink (oh wait, I do want that one). John Q. Public wants to get in, get his stuff, get good service and get going. Who are these fucks in upper floors and where do they get these asinine ideas. I know for damn sure that they aren't filling out surveys. Nor are they offering surveys on themselves.
Woo! Feels good to get that off my chest. I'm out.
Oh, I didn't proof read either.
So as the title tells you, I'm not fact checking. These are my opinions that I offer and not so humbly so.
The ebola virus. That shit is for real. I don't understand why we cannot air drop a hundred thousand boxes of gloves? Pony up Walgreens. That is not even $10,000 retail. I am sure that Angelina Jolie would foot the bill for the flight, Bill Gates could cover the parachute. Seriously, when the clinic sink consists of two five gallon buckets and a bottle of bleach, we need to help out. This isn't only Africa's problem anymore. There is a third American victim to be hospitalized in Omaha. Why Omaha? If the CDC hospital already treated two people successfully, maybe they should continue. Minimize the risk of people freaking out (Trump). I kid you not though, I am washing my hands just a little more these days and wiping down the counters. I don't make it a habit of touching other people's bodily fluids but it still is a little crazy to have a disease like this just down the road. All seems very zombie-esque.
CVS doesn't sell cigarettes anymore! Hooray for CVS. They have also changed their name to CVS Health. I like that stand that they have taken. I suppose they will lose some money not that there is much mark up in smokes. It is mostly kick backs from the tobacco companies. But giving up that kick back also means they give up dealing with tobacco stings and the fines that can follow. They may have a little less employee turn over if they don't have to fire someone for failing a sting which equals less training expense with new hire. They will not have to deal with tobacco reps which seem to be some of the nastiest reps in the retail world. There will be less man hours spent on checking in, counting and filling of cigarettes and most importantly, there will no longer be the pain in the ass dealings with people who forgot their ID, have their money in the bar or shoe or meth laced pockets. There will no longer be that POS that throws a brick through the front door to load up on Marlboro Golds in the hard pack. Thumbs up CVS.
McDonalds employees want $15 an hour. That seems fair. Thirty three percent of my orders have not been correct. You should earn that much. OR you get minimum wage, which sucks. Then you show up to work clean and on time. You are pleasant to the customer, get the order right, do the job without complaint and earn more based on your merit. I love that idea! Granted, the current wage of $7.50 is not enough to live off of if you are the sole bread winner for a family of four, but it is plenty to live off of if you are 16. And please don't give me the argument that the wage should be based on age because I can show you many cases where the 16 year old worked harder and better than the adult.
And if the wage is increased, what happens to people like me that are making a living wage, have put in the time and nurtured the talent? Will I get an increase as well? Will my wage double? Probably not. The gap between a new employee and a seasoned one will tighten. The old timers will get pissed having to do more for less. I know I will. And retailers will probably raise the prices to cover this increase in wage. I cannot imagine paying $8 for a quarter pounder meal, no pickle or onion with a sweet tea, no ice just so anyone can make $15 an hour to start at McDonalds.
ISIS. That group of sons of bitches are for real. This is a beast that has to be stopped by any means because they will bring their ruthless fight to us. Lock up our borders. I understand that there are a lot of people south of us that just want the American Dream, but we have to understand that it isn't the pursuit of the American Dream that these assholes are pursing. They are hell bent on blowing the AD up city by city. If there as ever been a time to get our immigration system shored up, this may be it. And I am not advocating racial profiling because the last two photos I have seen of would be "freedom fighters" from America showed a kid that could have graduated with Jacob and a loser that could have worked at McDonalds for $7.50 an hour. Many of ISIS are well educated, well off men. I suppose a fair number are looking for adventure, but most are looking for their 72 virgins post AD destruction. This is no time for pansy assed diplomacy. I don't think this is the time to worry about racial profiling or religious persecution or any of the ACLU touchy feely crap. This is the time to pull up our big kid pants and double tap those sons of bitches.
Let's not forget that these SOB's do not advocate an education for women. They have no regard for the history of the region. They believe that it is their way or the no way. It is times like this that I am reminded of the great American poet, Toby Keith. "This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage." I think two beheadings is more than a rattle. It's gonna get ugly, that's for damn sure.
I truly know nothing about the Ukraine. I know Putin looks like the evil mastermind in just about every spy movie I have ever watched. He's tricky.
Lastly, there is my thoughts on store receipt surveys. It has come to my attention that jobs have been threatened by various corporations because not enough customers/patients/clients are responding to the surveys. This is ridiculous. I am a letter writer. Some folks around these parts call me "Johnny Letter" and I let them. I write (email) companies all the time. Give me great service and I am excited to let the big guys know. I think they usually just hear the bad so I like to toot the horn of positivity! Piss me off and it's on. Make one disparaging remark about my dog and I expecting a gift card or three. But if you give me just regular, run of the mill service than I am going to not email or call because you did what was expected- nothing more or less. But now that I have learned that this threat hangs over the already over burdened heads of store managers, I am a survey taking fool. No one should feel like they may lose their job because John Q. Public does not want to press 9 on his mobile for six to eight minutes with the very slim chance of winning a gift card, or getting five dollars off a purchase of $25 or more or getting free fries and drink (oh wait, I do want that one). John Q. Public wants to get in, get his stuff, get good service and get going. Who are these fucks in upper floors and where do they get these asinine ideas. I know for damn sure that they aren't filling out surveys. Nor are they offering surveys on themselves.
Woo! Feels good to get that off my chest. I'm out.
Oh, I didn't proof read either.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
I posed a question
Today there was a bit of an issue with two cardboard display boxes thrown in the trash. I stood there asking if he was going to leave those boxes in the trash. Repeating that question very time there was a break in the conversation.
"It really doesn't matter if those boxes get recycled."
"Are you going to leave those boxes in the trash?"
"There are so many people in the world that don't recycle. Do you know the millions of pounds of recycling that goes to the land fill?"
"Are you going to leave those boxes in the trash?"
"When I was at ISU, I took a world populations class and in some countries, men would be escorted into a building and castrated." (I didn't fact check this blog.)
"Are you going to leave those boxes in the trash?"
"As long as people are on the earth, the earth will stay ruined."
"Are you going to leave those boxes in the trash?"
I couldn't stay in the aisle, I had work to do, but I also had a mission to get those boxes out of the trash. I cannot control a lot at work, but I can control where the boxes go that are in my department, this wasn't my department. I am adamant about recycling what we can. I am constantly trying to find new ways to use less. It isn't easy in retail. There are reports to print and notes to write. Nearly everything comes shrink wrapped or boxed, or both. Ask me about Garnier hair products and I will tell you about a company that wastes and removes posts from Facebook. For every five totes of make up I receive, one of those totes is refilled with empty, little boxes. Revlon puts one, just one, carded lip liner in each shipping box. They send a very generic email response when one sends a very passionate one to them. I pointed out the cost savings there is to gain by putting two in a box. Still ships with one.
I bring towels from home to use when shelves are cleaned. I advise the management staff daily when a faucet drips or a toilet leaks. I turn off lights. I thank those that don't take a bag or bring their own bag. I encourage the purchase of products that don't contain microbeads or sulfates. I talk about Dr. Bonners and Shea Moisture.
My options are limited when working for a company that wants to see the company be in the black more than be in the green. There are a lot of greener initiatives happening company wide, but what is mandated and what actually happens are not always the same. People have to give a damn.
I don't know if those two boxes will matter. I doubt that those are the climate changing tipping point that we cannot return from. But maybe they are. Maybe those are the last two boxes that can end up in the landfill. Maybe those are the two boxes that will allow the zombies to rise. I don't know and I am not willing to find out. Zombies will not rise on my cardboard box watch.
I know that the earth is in a world of hurt. I don't know if it can be saved but she is certainly worth fighting for. I try to do my part but I don't come anywhere close to it. How can recycling and turning off lights begin to repay for the flowers in the field, the ocean, the butterflies on a bush?
I do try to walk the walk. And sometimes they realize that I am serious about the boxes in the trash and they take them out and recycle them. Yea Earth!
"It really doesn't matter if those boxes get recycled."
"Are you going to leave those boxes in the trash?"
"There are so many people in the world that don't recycle. Do you know the millions of pounds of recycling that goes to the land fill?"
"Are you going to leave those boxes in the trash?"
"When I was at ISU, I took a world populations class and in some countries, men would be escorted into a building and castrated." (I didn't fact check this blog.)
"Are you going to leave those boxes in the trash?"
"As long as people are on the earth, the earth will stay ruined."
"Are you going to leave those boxes in the trash?"
I couldn't stay in the aisle, I had work to do, but I also had a mission to get those boxes out of the trash. I cannot control a lot at work, but I can control where the boxes go that are in my department, this wasn't my department. I am adamant about recycling what we can. I am constantly trying to find new ways to use less. It isn't easy in retail. There are reports to print and notes to write. Nearly everything comes shrink wrapped or boxed, or both. Ask me about Garnier hair products and I will tell you about a company that wastes and removes posts from Facebook. For every five totes of make up I receive, one of those totes is refilled with empty, little boxes. Revlon puts one, just one, carded lip liner in each shipping box. They send a very generic email response when one sends a very passionate one to them. I pointed out the cost savings there is to gain by putting two in a box. Still ships with one.
I bring towels from home to use when shelves are cleaned. I advise the management staff daily when a faucet drips or a toilet leaks. I turn off lights. I thank those that don't take a bag or bring their own bag. I encourage the purchase of products that don't contain microbeads or sulfates. I talk about Dr. Bonners and Shea Moisture.
My options are limited when working for a company that wants to see the company be in the black more than be in the green. There are a lot of greener initiatives happening company wide, but what is mandated and what actually happens are not always the same. People have to give a damn.
I don't know if those two boxes will matter. I doubt that those are the climate changing tipping point that we cannot return from. But maybe they are. Maybe those are the last two boxes that can end up in the landfill. Maybe those are the two boxes that will allow the zombies to rise. I don't know and I am not willing to find out. Zombies will not rise on my cardboard box watch.
I know that the earth is in a world of hurt. I don't know if it can be saved but she is certainly worth fighting for. I try to do my part but I don't come anywhere close to it. How can recycling and turning off lights begin to repay for the flowers in the field, the ocean, the butterflies on a bush?
I do try to walk the walk. And sometimes they realize that I am serious about the boxes in the trash and they take them out and recycle them. Yea Earth!
Monday, August 25, 2014
Misty Watered Colored Memories
My brother, Bobby and his wife Sarah have been visiting the family for almost a month now. I will have only seen them a couple of times because life gets in the way. We spent nearly two weeks with them in New Zealand back in February so seeing them again so soon is such a treat.
Bobby is the oldest, nine years older than me. He was frequently my care giver. I remember being ridden down to Redmond Park in the summer for Tot Lot. I remember watching Abbott and Costello on Sunday mornings when everyone else had gone to Mass. I remember when the recruiter came to take Bobby away. He never really came back after that. I don't realize how much I miss him until he is back. Even with all the time and miles, a girl still needs to have someone to watch Abbott and Costello with.
With the Kiwi Snow visit came Jacob's CRapids graduation party. Again, I get all teary eyed thinking about my little guy going off to college. I think I handled it all pretty well until we actually moved him in and then it just became too much in many different ways.
Today is the actual first day of school for both Hayley and Jacob. This is Hayley's last first day of school. I sometimes think she has already graduated in her mind and is trying to figure out the day after graduation. Hayley has a plan. Plans don't always pan out. I hope she is prepared for that. Don't rush this last year. Enjoy it. You can always bunk here until the earth feels steady and you are ready to move on.
Our old CRapids house is for sale. Couldn't time the visit for the open house. I would love to walk through there again. Just to see.
On Sunday, I went to my Aunt Margaret's house for a family gathering to sort through old photos that were at my grandma's house. It was wonderful. All of my mom's siblings were there. I always get just a little pissed off at the world when I see them healthy and of sharp mind and wonder why did Mom get dementia? Why couldn't she have stayed as brilliant as the rest? Being with The Sisters, as they are called by my children, is as close as I will ever get to my mom. There is such comfort in their hugs, in their voices, in their stories. I always come away a little fuller.
I found a photo of the orginial Barron, my grandparents dog. It was very cool to see an old friend. I also found a photo of my grandpa holding me, I was pretty brand new. It was probably the only time I was happy to be held by him. I did not always see eye to eye with the man.
I learned that Sister Alice, my second grade teacher, died recently. She was in a retirement home for nuns in Omaha. She was in her ninties. I have fond memories of her. She gave me a little book of paintings by Renoir on her last day of teaching at IC. I still have the book.
I'm glad that I have Monday mornings off as they allow for some rebound time from the weekend. This Monday morning I am rebounding emotionally from just so much joy. I have a warm fuzzy that should last all week. I won't see Bobby and Sarah again before they head home. Hayley and Brett will be the last of the White's to represent. I will not get to hear all about the first day of school from either of my kinder as the bus doesn't drop them off here anymore. I have to wait a month to go through the photos again as Crissy will bring the box down for me to pick through and scan in. I have a family tree program that is ever expanding.
More than anything, I am struck by my good fortune. In this week, really in these two days, I can see where I came from and I can see where the future is headed. It is pretty cool to see where hard work and love can bring a family. I think my own kinder know that hard work and love that was put in to get them close to where they are going.
Bobby is the oldest, nine years older than me. He was frequently my care giver. I remember being ridden down to Redmond Park in the summer for Tot Lot. I remember watching Abbott and Costello on Sunday mornings when everyone else had gone to Mass. I remember when the recruiter came to take Bobby away. He never really came back after that. I don't realize how much I miss him until he is back. Even with all the time and miles, a girl still needs to have someone to watch Abbott and Costello with.
With the Kiwi Snow visit came Jacob's CRapids graduation party. Again, I get all teary eyed thinking about my little guy going off to college. I think I handled it all pretty well until we actually moved him in and then it just became too much in many different ways.
Today is the actual first day of school for both Hayley and Jacob. This is Hayley's last first day of school. I sometimes think she has already graduated in her mind and is trying to figure out the day after graduation. Hayley has a plan. Plans don't always pan out. I hope she is prepared for that. Don't rush this last year. Enjoy it. You can always bunk here until the earth feels steady and you are ready to move on.
Our old CRapids house is for sale. Couldn't time the visit for the open house. I would love to walk through there again. Just to see.
On Sunday, I went to my Aunt Margaret's house for a family gathering to sort through old photos that were at my grandma's house. It was wonderful. All of my mom's siblings were there. I always get just a little pissed off at the world when I see them healthy and of sharp mind and wonder why did Mom get dementia? Why couldn't she have stayed as brilliant as the rest? Being with The Sisters, as they are called by my children, is as close as I will ever get to my mom. There is such comfort in their hugs, in their voices, in their stories. I always come away a little fuller.
I found a photo of the orginial Barron, my grandparents dog. It was very cool to see an old friend. I also found a photo of my grandpa holding me, I was pretty brand new. It was probably the only time I was happy to be held by him. I did not always see eye to eye with the man.
I learned that Sister Alice, my second grade teacher, died recently. She was in a retirement home for nuns in Omaha. She was in her ninties. I have fond memories of her. She gave me a little book of paintings by Renoir on her last day of teaching at IC. I still have the book.
I'm glad that I have Monday mornings off as they allow for some rebound time from the weekend. This Monday morning I am rebounding emotionally from just so much joy. I have a warm fuzzy that should last all week. I won't see Bobby and Sarah again before they head home. Hayley and Brett will be the last of the White's to represent. I will not get to hear all about the first day of school from either of my kinder as the bus doesn't drop them off here anymore. I have to wait a month to go through the photos again as Crissy will bring the box down for me to pick through and scan in. I have a family tree program that is ever expanding.
More than anything, I am struck by my good fortune. In this week, really in these two days, I can see where I came from and I can see where the future is headed. It is pretty cool to see where hard work and love can bring a family. I think my own kinder know that hard work and love that was put in to get them close to where they are going.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
News At 11
If you saw my cryptic post on Facebook earlier today, I am sure you were maybe concerned, but definitely curious about what this day held.
Today started with a furious storm. Lying in bed listening to the thunder and rain lashing the windows, I only thought of it being moving day. Moving day for Jacob. We had packed up most of the cars the night before so there wasn't much to do this morning until we got to Iowa State. Jacob left before us taking his chances when the rain broke.
We arrived a couple hours later and much of the room was put together. Jacob is rooming with two of his buddies. They seemed to have worked out who was bringing what and it appeared that Jacob brought the nonsense. I will admit that I am worried, worried that there will be room for all the gaming systems and that they will be able to sort out all the cords. Worried that Jacob will OD on the fantastic chocolate milk at the dining hall. Worried that, well, just worried, I guess. We did not stay long as Jacob and roommates needed to figure it all out for themselves.
Before I get to the rest of the day, I want to just work through the idea of my youngest going off to college. I am not really sad. This is the goal, right? To prepare the offspring to leave the house and go. Danny and I have always stressed that we wanted our children to be successful. Not rich, not famous, just successful. Meaning that they do what they enjoy. College was always something we discussed, but we also discussed the military and trade schools. We were always honest about the bill being theirs but so is the accomplishment. I cannot take any claim to the success or failure of college. This is all them. So I bade Jacob a fond so long today knowing that we have done as much as we could to prepare him for this day. Jacob will figure it out. He will learn to set his priorities, he will learn to do homework first and have fun immediately after. He will learn to eat well and not too often. He will learn to live with roommates, the first time ever. He will.
I had different worries about Ashlyn and Hayley. Worries that pertained to each of them. Worries that were unnecessary as I am sure my worries for Jacob are as well.
We offered Jacob lunch and that was the most important decision we made all day.
Village Inn, because Jacob wanted pancakes.
While waiting for our table, an elderly couple came in and Danny and Jacob offered up their seat on the bench. I have the terrible habit of people watching. I watched as this little lady grabbed the flap on the back pocket of her husband's pants. I thought it was cute. The second time I looked over at them, he was sitting in the chair looking out at the restaurant and she was reaching for her purse on the floor. But she wasn't. She had slumped over and wasn't ok. I immediately got Danny who rushed to her. She was not breathing. Danny had them call 911 and with the help of the manager, laid her on the floor and began performing CPR.
There are many sides to all of us. I have the front side and the back side, the sweet and the snarky. That's pretty much it. I can live with that. I'm no hero.
I have seen a few of Danny's sides. I have never seen the Marine or Ranger in action, for that I am thankful. I have never seen full on police officer either. I have seen enough of that though to get the idea. But today I saw the lifesaving training kick into gear. It was very emotional. She wasn't breathing. Her heartbeat was very weak. Her husband sat on the bench just watching two complete strangers do chest compressions on his wife. I could not have been more proud of Danny. It was very overwhelming.
One family waiting for a table had to leave. Jacob said that the girl in the group was very upset. Another dad said to his son that "we picked the wrong place to eat." Another woman, while chest compressions were in progress, asked where she should pay. Jacob held the door for the first responders, I stood waiting for instructions and then sat with her husband. Danny saved her life.
Ames police and paramedics said that she had a strong heartbeat when they had her in the ambulance.
Jacob, after it had all calmed down and we were seated, looked at me and said "people need to know that this is what they do. When someone says 'fuck the police', they need to know that this is what they do. Dad didn't have to do anything, he is a dad taking his kid to school. But he did, he saved her life because that is what they do." Jacob makes a very valid point.
So that was our very interesting day. We are exhausted. Watching someone save a life is very tiring. I am impressed with the response time and professionalism of the Ames police department and paramedics. I am appreciative that Village Inn paid for our meal. I am beyond grateful that Danny is well trained and is willing to rush in when I people watch.
In other news, Emmitt is glad that Ashlyn in home. Ashlyn had a quick little get away with the Kiwi Snows and Crissy and Duncan. They went to Chicago and Ashlyn got to Mata Trader and came home with two new frocks and two new tops. Fair Trade!!!
Hayley is ready for her final year to start. She is trying to have a bit of a plan for the future but it is hard. She knows that there is always a place here for her to rest and regroup.
On another note, I found myself bitching about my job again. I hate that I do that.
We have some home improvement projects that we will be starting soon. Carpet coming up and flooring going down. We have Ashlyn here so the nest isn't empty, but with her two jobs, it is not full. And with Jacob away and Harlow gone, it is far too quiet.
Today started with a furious storm. Lying in bed listening to the thunder and rain lashing the windows, I only thought of it being moving day. Moving day for Jacob. We had packed up most of the cars the night before so there wasn't much to do this morning until we got to Iowa State. Jacob left before us taking his chances when the rain broke.
We arrived a couple hours later and much of the room was put together. Jacob is rooming with two of his buddies. They seemed to have worked out who was bringing what and it appeared that Jacob brought the nonsense. I will admit that I am worried, worried that there will be room for all the gaming systems and that they will be able to sort out all the cords. Worried that Jacob will OD on the fantastic chocolate milk at the dining hall. Worried that, well, just worried, I guess. We did not stay long as Jacob and roommates needed to figure it all out for themselves.
Before I get to the rest of the day, I want to just work through the idea of my youngest going off to college. I am not really sad. This is the goal, right? To prepare the offspring to leave the house and go. Danny and I have always stressed that we wanted our children to be successful. Not rich, not famous, just successful. Meaning that they do what they enjoy. College was always something we discussed, but we also discussed the military and trade schools. We were always honest about the bill being theirs but so is the accomplishment. I cannot take any claim to the success or failure of college. This is all them. So I bade Jacob a fond so long today knowing that we have done as much as we could to prepare him for this day. Jacob will figure it out. He will learn to set his priorities, he will learn to do homework first and have fun immediately after. He will learn to eat well and not too often. He will learn to live with roommates, the first time ever. He will.
I had different worries about Ashlyn and Hayley. Worries that pertained to each of them. Worries that were unnecessary as I am sure my worries for Jacob are as well.
We offered Jacob lunch and that was the most important decision we made all day.
Village Inn, because Jacob wanted pancakes.
While waiting for our table, an elderly couple came in and Danny and Jacob offered up their seat on the bench. I have the terrible habit of people watching. I watched as this little lady grabbed the flap on the back pocket of her husband's pants. I thought it was cute. The second time I looked over at them, he was sitting in the chair looking out at the restaurant and she was reaching for her purse on the floor. But she wasn't. She had slumped over and wasn't ok. I immediately got Danny who rushed to her. She was not breathing. Danny had them call 911 and with the help of the manager, laid her on the floor and began performing CPR.
There are many sides to all of us. I have the front side and the back side, the sweet and the snarky. That's pretty much it. I can live with that. I'm no hero.
I have seen a few of Danny's sides. I have never seen the Marine or Ranger in action, for that I am thankful. I have never seen full on police officer either. I have seen enough of that though to get the idea. But today I saw the lifesaving training kick into gear. It was very emotional. She wasn't breathing. Her heartbeat was very weak. Her husband sat on the bench just watching two complete strangers do chest compressions on his wife. I could not have been more proud of Danny. It was very overwhelming.
One family waiting for a table had to leave. Jacob said that the girl in the group was very upset. Another dad said to his son that "we picked the wrong place to eat." Another woman, while chest compressions were in progress, asked where she should pay. Jacob held the door for the first responders, I stood waiting for instructions and then sat with her husband. Danny saved her life.
Ames police and paramedics said that she had a strong heartbeat when they had her in the ambulance.
Jacob, after it had all calmed down and we were seated, looked at me and said "people need to know that this is what they do. When someone says 'fuck the police', they need to know that this is what they do. Dad didn't have to do anything, he is a dad taking his kid to school. But he did, he saved her life because that is what they do." Jacob makes a very valid point.
So that was our very interesting day. We are exhausted. Watching someone save a life is very tiring. I am impressed with the response time and professionalism of the Ames police department and paramedics. I am appreciative that Village Inn paid for our meal. I am beyond grateful that Danny is well trained and is willing to rush in when I people watch.
In other news, Emmitt is glad that Ashlyn in home. Ashlyn had a quick little get away with the Kiwi Snows and Crissy and Duncan. They went to Chicago and Ashlyn got to Mata Trader and came home with two new frocks and two new tops. Fair Trade!!!
Hayley is ready for her final year to start. She is trying to have a bit of a plan for the future but it is hard. She knows that there is always a place here for her to rest and regroup.
On another note, I found myself bitching about my job again. I hate that I do that.
We have some home improvement projects that we will be starting soon. Carpet coming up and flooring going down. We have Ashlyn here so the nest isn't empty, but with her two jobs, it is not full. And with Jacob away and Harlow gone, it is far too quiet.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Another One of Those Religion Blogs
Conversation the other day between me and a twenty year old Bosnian Muslim was fascinating. He had a lot of questions for me and I, a lot for him. It was pretty sad that we couldn't answer most of them. In the course of our conversation though, he said some very interesting things. I don't know if they are facts, when it comes to religion, I don't know if there are many facts. He told me that there are not versions of the Koran. Translations, but not versions. I told him that I can look up a bible verse online and get ten different interpretations of it. Some varying greatly from others. He said that it was not as easy for him to manipulate the words in his favor as it seems others can do. TRUE! How else can people take a religion of love and turn it into hate?
And why does believing get more frustrating for me? Where has that peace gone?
I remember a nun telling me that if one was not baptized, they would not go to heaven. That is pretty heavy stuff for a child of no more than third grade to hear. More so when the child has non catholic friends and had a non catholic grandmother die many years before. I know now that isn't true but for a kid of eight or nine, that is heavy. And I wonder if this was the beginning of my struggle?
It is hard to look out in the world and see the positive of religion. Mighty fine building built in the name of God, I'll give you that, but I don't know what else. War. Genocide. Loss of culture. Hate. Yeah, a lot of hate.
I think a lot of my current frustrations come from the liberal use of Christian and then attaching it to something of hate. People that have Christian values but zero tolerance for illegal immigrants. I haven't much tolerance for illegal immigrants but I also don't have much in the way of Christian values. And maybe I am putting Christian values into a political light because I know there are those that live and breathe the Christian values and just love.
Most of all, why does this bother me so much? Am I just looking at all the stuff other people do that I deem unchristian or ungodly so I don't have to look at myself? Am I pissed off that another round of war and hate is going strong in the Mideast and it is in the name of religion? And our Christian nation says let them work it out, keep Ebola patients in Africa, not my problem...but when someone wants their birth control paid for, Christian Values banners are flown from the highest hill.
Can we be good Christians when we sell crap from China knowing that those people don't make a living wage and cannot worship freely, when we bulldoze forests for a Chick Fil A and Wal Mart, when we belittle the cashier, the clerk, the guy taking our order?
I think heaven is open to everyone who wants to find peace there. I think Barron and Harlow will be there, waiting because they are the closest thing to God's presence that I have known in my adult life. I think God is tired of my whiny baby act and would appreciate it if I would find my purpose and get on with it. It is obvious that He isn't going to show me is plan for me, if in fact He has one. I don't believe that there is a special plan for all of us. If there was, why would little girls die of horrible diseases and why would mothers have to bury their boys because they couldn't keep them safe. That all seems too cruel to be part of a plan.
And my dear friends Kari and Jeff, I still am muddling through The Story. It has not made things easier, in fact, when reading of all the war and killing and hamstringing, it has made it worse. I come away thinking there was plenty of opportunity to have the promised land and maybe it was just wasn't part of the plan to keep it. But I am forever grateful that you are concerned for my heart and soul.
I am still trying to figure it all out and am at times equally envious and angry at my mom's faith. It would have been nice if she and I could have shared it more. I want to just believe and stop with all the wondering. I want- much like a selfish child. Am I going to be smited? Am I going to develop boils? Am I going to continue to be misreable in this aspect of my life until I can find some peace? No, no, yes.
It is with our free will that we will continue to muck things up. God doesn't want us to be misreable, but the forces of the world are in motion and until we can improve those forces, misery is some of our lot. Will me not buying crap from Target change the lives of someone in the asian garment industry? Probably not, but choosing to buy from a fair trade company will begin to change the lives of someone in the asian garment industry. I guess maybe being Christian isn't what I am after, but being human is.
Anyway, another religion ramble. I write enough of these and people will unfriend me.
He also couldn't understand how people couldn't believe in God. We got into a minor discussion of evolution and it impressed me that even though he didn't quite buy what I was selling, he listened without telling me I was wrong or stupid or a sinner. Maybe people don't believe in God so that they can never be disappointed by Him.
Do I not believe so that I won't be disappointed? Do I hope that God really doesn't have a plan for me, that He is a distant observer - hopeful that we will get our heads out of our asses and straighten the world out - but isn't going to start fixing things. Do I believe that we were given free will and that God didn't "harden Pharaoh's heart" (pg 50 The Story). Because if Paraoh was this way because God made him that way than he really isn't the bad guy but just a pawn. That would be pretty dirty. Am I really prepared to believe that a centuries old story gives justification to war? And why does believing get more frustrating for me? Where has that peace gone?
I remember a nun telling me that if one was not baptized, they would not go to heaven. That is pretty heavy stuff for a child of no more than third grade to hear. More so when the child has non catholic friends and had a non catholic grandmother die many years before. I know now that isn't true but for a kid of eight or nine, that is heavy. And I wonder if this was the beginning of my struggle?
It is hard to look out in the world and see the positive of religion. Mighty fine building built in the name of God, I'll give you that, but I don't know what else. War. Genocide. Loss of culture. Hate. Yeah, a lot of hate.
I think a lot of my current frustrations come from the liberal use of Christian and then attaching it to something of hate. People that have Christian values but zero tolerance for illegal immigrants. I haven't much tolerance for illegal immigrants but I also don't have much in the way of Christian values. And maybe I am putting Christian values into a political light because I know there are those that live and breathe the Christian values and just love.
Most of all, why does this bother me so much? Am I just looking at all the stuff other people do that I deem unchristian or ungodly so I don't have to look at myself? Am I pissed off that another round of war and hate is going strong in the Mideast and it is in the name of religion? And our Christian nation says let them work it out, keep Ebola patients in Africa, not my problem...but when someone wants their birth control paid for, Christian Values banners are flown from the highest hill.
Can we be good Christians when we sell crap from China knowing that those people don't make a living wage and cannot worship freely, when we bulldoze forests for a Chick Fil A and Wal Mart, when we belittle the cashier, the clerk, the guy taking our order?
I think heaven is open to everyone who wants to find peace there. I think Barron and Harlow will be there, waiting because they are the closest thing to God's presence that I have known in my adult life. I think God is tired of my whiny baby act and would appreciate it if I would find my purpose and get on with it. It is obvious that He isn't going to show me is plan for me, if in fact He has one. I don't believe that there is a special plan for all of us. If there was, why would little girls die of horrible diseases and why would mothers have to bury their boys because they couldn't keep them safe. That all seems too cruel to be part of a plan.
And my dear friends Kari and Jeff, I still am muddling through The Story. It has not made things easier, in fact, when reading of all the war and killing and hamstringing, it has made it worse. I come away thinking there was plenty of opportunity to have the promised land and maybe it was just wasn't part of the plan to keep it. But I am forever grateful that you are concerned for my heart and soul.
I am still trying to figure it all out and am at times equally envious and angry at my mom's faith. It would have been nice if she and I could have shared it more. I want to just believe and stop with all the wondering. I want- much like a selfish child. Am I going to be smited? Am I going to develop boils? Am I going to continue to be misreable in this aspect of my life until I can find some peace? No, no, yes.
It is with our free will that we will continue to muck things up. God doesn't want us to be misreable, but the forces of the world are in motion and until we can improve those forces, misery is some of our lot. Will me not buying crap from Target change the lives of someone in the asian garment industry? Probably not, but choosing to buy from a fair trade company will begin to change the lives of someone in the asian garment industry. I guess maybe being Christian isn't what I am after, but being human is.
Anyway, another religion ramble. I write enough of these and people will unfriend me.
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