What? Another blog about my quest for religion/faith/spiritual guidance. It seems to me that I should be past this, but I am still wandering around, kind of like Jack Skellington during Jack's Lament. There doesn't seem to be a clearing in the woods with holiday doors. I cannot open them with an inquisitive "What's This"? I have to figure this out on my own/with the help of others/divine intervention.
I went back to mass today. I went for two reasons.
1. I had asked my church friends to pray for someone very dear to me and if they are willing to do that for me, than I need to do it as well. I know that I can (and am) praying without going to mass, but if I am asking my church community to do it then I should be part of that community as well.
2. I am still looking for the place for me.
I went to mass early to quiet my mind. It didn't work. I can't calm my mind. The conversation I have with God is silly. I tell Him things he obviously already knows. What's worse is that I sometimes thing I am telling Him what He wants to hear.
I had hoped during mass that I would have that a-ha moment. Or that I would get the shivers. Or I would feel the presence of God like Judah Ben-Hur did. But, it be honest, there was nothing monumental happening. And then it occurred to me that maybe that's how it needs to be for me. Maybe, just maybe, God is tired of laying it out for me and it is now up to me to find what it is I am looking for.
It will be 45 years next Sunday that I have been Catholic and though I don't know if that is where I belong, I do know that I am not brave enough to look elsewhere. I have come to accept that I am never going to be the Catholic or Christian that I ought to be. I will not agree with all the teachings of the one or the other. I will continue to be judgemental and mean and selfish. I will continue to support the right to choose abortion and euthanasia. I will continue to believe in gay marriage (which is just marriage). I will continue to feel strongly that much of the bible is a fable written to teach lessons. I will deny that the God of love that I have known all my life was once a jealous, vengeful God that promoted the annihilation of entire kingdoms, men, women, children and horses.
I may wander forever looking for my answers and that seems pretty pathetic. I am sure that God is rolling his eyes, yet once again. This has to be old.
But, I have forty five more years to get this faith thing right. I have forty five more years of trying to be kind and generous. I have forty five more years of building a relationship with my church community.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Friday, November 14, 2014
Birthday Week Extravaganza Part 2
I left off in San Antonio.
After the penguins, my God what could there be after the penguins?
Austin. We booked a room at the ridiculously silly Brown Bed and Ball Throwing Inn. It was a treat to be able to spend some quality time with my cousin Jake and his ever so lovely wife, Amy and the daughters, Sara and Emma. Sara, I don't know if you had heard, was in an car accident a few days prior and the pain of it all had finally caught up to her. She was pretty miserable with back issues. Emma, on the other hand, was her usual witty self. We were also delighted with Gucci and her ball dropping, dog staring until the ball is thrown antics. Fred the cat didn't do much but sit behind the curtain ala Alfred Hitchcock and occasionally come out to be loved.
Jake and Amy gave us an amazing tour of Austin and by amazing, I mean that Jake would get on the wrong street and Amy would randomly point stuff of interest. It was very entertaining.
We ate at three Austin-ing places and I can't remember the names. A little Mexican place that had great not name brand soda. We ate at P. Telly's. Does that sound right? And we ate at an Austin Brewhouse. That might be what it was called. The best meal out was the one we shared at my cousin, Mary's house. Mary and her husband, Dick are Jake's parents. We also met Micheal, Jake's son. Mary is my first cousin. The Snow family tree grows oddly.
I don't think I have ever spent any quality time with my cousin Mary. The age difference between us made me just a lass when she and her husband moved from Crapids. From our conversation that evening, I learned more about my dad, his mom and my own siblings as children. Mary spilled a bottle of wine. Mary and Dick drank two bottles of wine. It was a fantastic evening.
Saturday, Danny and I went into Austin on our own. We parked the car and walked around the downtown area. We scoped out the bridge for the bats later on. We looked at Formula One cars, and Monster Girls and lots and lots of dogs. We had anticipated a lot more shopping. That was a disappointment. What was not a disappointment was the very fancy cars we saw. A Ferrari, a Bentley and something so damn fancy we couldn't name it. We also saw a lot of Formula One fancy Europeans. You know what I mean by Formula One fancy- their leather shoes are made from grass fed cows that never walked in their own poop. Their white shirts are so white they are blue. Their hair grays in the precise manner that is required of it to make them look distinguished, not old. At first I thought I wasn't Formula One Fancy, but then I decided I was. The alternative is Nascar Fancy and I am certainly not that Fancy!
Danny, being the great guy that he is, stood on the Ann Richards/Congress Bridge with me for an hour and a half because I wanted to see the bats. Danny wanted to see them, too, but I don't know if he would have stood there an hour and a half. The sun set and the bats did not come. We had walked under the bridge earlier in the day and heard a lot of chatter, but when it was time for them to leave, we saw seven fly out. Seven little bats. That was a bit of a let down, but bats migrate- who knew.
Duran Duran. The whole point of this BWE! They did not disappoint.
I have been a fan since 1983. Seventh grade when all my money was sunk into Teen Beat and Tiger Beat magazine. Quality television was Night Trax when they showed a Duran Duran video ( or any video from like minded artists). Duran Duran. John Taylor, mostly, but Duran Duran. Not ever in all my days did I think I would see them live. They never came to Iowa that I was aware of, I wasn't going to be traveling to other states. I got married, John missed his chance. They weren't touring but were collaborating with other artists. I forgot my roots and listened to country. I found my roots again but was too knee deep in little people to afford a concert. And then Danny and I reached that magical age (you know what I am talking about Lisa Moore) when the bands we loved started touring again and we could afford to see them. But still Duran Duran was never even imagined. And my husband got tickets. He is one crafty son of a bitch.
So there I am with the man that replaced John Taylor in my heart of hearts, and believe me, best choice I ever made. We are seven or so rows up from the balcony. Duran Duran is straight ahead of us. They look good and sound, well the smell like they sound. And if that statement is true (and I think it is) they smell fantastic. Considering what the 80s did to so many of their peers, Duran Duran have cleaned up their act and are putting on a great show. There was no mistaking that they were having a great time on stage and the audience completely responded. I had forgotten that I still knew all the words. I knew when to du du du duuuu.
Danny told me later that I do this thing when I am really excited or happy. And it must be completely involuntary as I didn't even realize, but I put my hands up to my lips like a First Communion candidate from the '60s. He said I was doing that a lot. I didn't cry, but I had the shivers when they first took the stage. What an amazing gift he gave me that night. Not the tickets or the trip, but the chance. I am blessed beyond measure, I truly am.
So how does one follow Duran Duran? Well, lets go back six more years to my earliest football memories. What do I find there, none other than the Dallas Cowboys. Coincidentally those Boys just happen to be my husband's favorite as well. Ashlyn and Hayley bought us tickets for our birthdays. Pulling up to Jerry's House was just funny. It is ginormous. And everywhere we looked were other Dallas fans. That was so unusual and so comforting. Everything about the stadium is over the top. But it is impressive and someday (soon) the team will be impressive again as well.
We all know what happened on the field and it wasn't pretty. And as much as a win would have been perfect, it wasn't necessary because everything else was perfect.
We toured the stadium a couple of days later and were able to go down on the field. I made Cowboys angels in the end zone. I picked bits of turf out of the star. I watched Danny walk around his Graceland. My Graceland too. Granted, there isn't the history that Texas Stadium held. It is no Lambeau Field or Soldier Field in terms of longevity but it is fucking awesome and that is good enough for me. Danny had been carrying around a hundred dollar bill since September. He was given the money by the woman he had saved the day Jacob wanted pancakes. The money was for dinner, but I told Danny to buy something he really wanted and he did. Danny bought a #11 D. White jersey. It's pretty sweet.
Our last couple of days were spent with Danny's good friend Cheto and his family. Cheto was the interpreter assigned to Team Pillage while in Kurdistan in 2004. Getting to meet the last man of that incredible team was a joy. Though Cheto was not part of the Army, he was an important part of this team and I credit him for putting up with those yahoos and for being there each time Danny was talking to village leaders. He was instrumental in Pillage's success.
We ate and ate and ate and then we drank chi. Then we went to the Middle Eastern grocery and Cheto bought us tea and Chi cups so that we could at least drink the chi at home. I opened myself up to all the new foods on the table and found that I loved it all. My mom would have been so proud. Cheto and his wife gave me history lessons about the region and was so patient with me and my ignorant questions. Such warmth and hospitality! I know we always have a place to stay in Dallas.
Our last night was in a fancy hotel in Dallas. Danny likes a fancy hotel and now that I am Formula One Fancy, I do, too. The hotel brought a piece of chocolate cake to our room for my birthday. The pool and spa were outside on the fourth floor. There were fire pits going and the Dallas skyline was lit up beautifully. It was an easy end to such a great week. I don't really have the words- this guy of mine. WOW!
So my birthday is on Monday. I took the day off of work. Danny will take a half day. Traditionally we do our Christmas shopping on my birthday. We hang out, laugh a lot and end up at a nice place for dinner. This year, John and Nick's. Then we start the twelve days of birthday (similar to the twelve days of Christmas) . Nothing happens on those twelve days, I just thought it was a creative way to keep the birthday thing going.
I'm taking Danny on a cruise for his 45th. Thankfully I have 21 months to plan. There will be no topping this one though. Luckiest girl ever!
PS We got real cowboy boots. Justin Ropers. No Shit. They are pretty sweet.
After the penguins, my God what could there be after the penguins?
Austin. We booked a room at the ridiculously silly Brown Bed and Ball Throwing Inn. It was a treat to be able to spend some quality time with my cousin Jake and his ever so lovely wife, Amy and the daughters, Sara and Emma. Sara, I don't know if you had heard, was in an car accident a few days prior and the pain of it all had finally caught up to her. She was pretty miserable with back issues. Emma, on the other hand, was her usual witty self. We were also delighted with Gucci and her ball dropping, dog staring until the ball is thrown antics. Fred the cat didn't do much but sit behind the curtain ala Alfred Hitchcock and occasionally come out to be loved.
Jake and Amy gave us an amazing tour of Austin and by amazing, I mean that Jake would get on the wrong street and Amy would randomly point stuff of interest. It was very entertaining.
We ate at three Austin-ing places and I can't remember the names. A little Mexican place that had great not name brand soda. We ate at P. Telly's. Does that sound right? And we ate at an Austin Brewhouse. That might be what it was called. The best meal out was the one we shared at my cousin, Mary's house. Mary and her husband, Dick are Jake's parents. We also met Micheal, Jake's son. Mary is my first cousin. The Snow family tree grows oddly.
I don't think I have ever spent any quality time with my cousin Mary. The age difference between us made me just a lass when she and her husband moved from Crapids. From our conversation that evening, I learned more about my dad, his mom and my own siblings as children. Mary spilled a bottle of wine. Mary and Dick drank two bottles of wine. It was a fantastic evening.
Saturday, Danny and I went into Austin on our own. We parked the car and walked around the downtown area. We scoped out the bridge for the bats later on. We looked at Formula One cars, and Monster Girls and lots and lots of dogs. We had anticipated a lot more shopping. That was a disappointment. What was not a disappointment was the very fancy cars we saw. A Ferrari, a Bentley and something so damn fancy we couldn't name it. We also saw a lot of Formula One fancy Europeans. You know what I mean by Formula One fancy- their leather shoes are made from grass fed cows that never walked in their own poop. Their white shirts are so white they are blue. Their hair grays in the precise manner that is required of it to make them look distinguished, not old. At first I thought I wasn't Formula One Fancy, but then I decided I was. The alternative is Nascar Fancy and I am certainly not that Fancy!
Danny, being the great guy that he is, stood on the Ann Richards/Congress Bridge with me for an hour and a half because I wanted to see the bats. Danny wanted to see them, too, but I don't know if he would have stood there an hour and a half. The sun set and the bats did not come. We had walked under the bridge earlier in the day and heard a lot of chatter, but when it was time for them to leave, we saw seven fly out. Seven little bats. That was a bit of a let down, but bats migrate- who knew.
Duran Duran. The whole point of this BWE! They did not disappoint.
I have been a fan since 1983. Seventh grade when all my money was sunk into Teen Beat and Tiger Beat magazine. Quality television was Night Trax when they showed a Duran Duran video ( or any video from like minded artists). Duran Duran. John Taylor, mostly, but Duran Duran. Not ever in all my days did I think I would see them live. They never came to Iowa that I was aware of, I wasn't going to be traveling to other states. I got married, John missed his chance. They weren't touring but were collaborating with other artists. I forgot my roots and listened to country. I found my roots again but was too knee deep in little people to afford a concert. And then Danny and I reached that magical age (you know what I am talking about Lisa Moore) when the bands we loved started touring again and we could afford to see them. But still Duran Duran was never even imagined. And my husband got tickets. He is one crafty son of a bitch.
So there I am with the man that replaced John Taylor in my heart of hearts, and believe me, best choice I ever made. We are seven or so rows up from the balcony. Duran Duran is straight ahead of us. They look good and sound, well the smell like they sound. And if that statement is true (and I think it is) they smell fantastic. Considering what the 80s did to so many of their peers, Duran Duran have cleaned up their act and are putting on a great show. There was no mistaking that they were having a great time on stage and the audience completely responded. I had forgotten that I still knew all the words. I knew when to du du du duuuu.
Danny told me later that I do this thing when I am really excited or happy. And it must be completely involuntary as I didn't even realize, but I put my hands up to my lips like a First Communion candidate from the '60s. He said I was doing that a lot. I didn't cry, but I had the shivers when they first took the stage. What an amazing gift he gave me that night. Not the tickets or the trip, but the chance. I am blessed beyond measure, I truly am.
So how does one follow Duran Duran? Well, lets go back six more years to my earliest football memories. What do I find there, none other than the Dallas Cowboys. Coincidentally those Boys just happen to be my husband's favorite as well. Ashlyn and Hayley bought us tickets for our birthdays. Pulling up to Jerry's House was just funny. It is ginormous. And everywhere we looked were other Dallas fans. That was so unusual and so comforting. Everything about the stadium is over the top. But it is impressive and someday (soon) the team will be impressive again as well.
We all know what happened on the field and it wasn't pretty. And as much as a win would have been perfect, it wasn't necessary because everything else was perfect.
We toured the stadium a couple of days later and were able to go down on the field. I made Cowboys angels in the end zone. I picked bits of turf out of the star. I watched Danny walk around his Graceland. My Graceland too. Granted, there isn't the history that Texas Stadium held. It is no Lambeau Field or Soldier Field in terms of longevity but it is fucking awesome and that is good enough for me. Danny had been carrying around a hundred dollar bill since September. He was given the money by the woman he had saved the day Jacob wanted pancakes. The money was for dinner, but I told Danny to buy something he really wanted and he did. Danny bought a #11 D. White jersey. It's pretty sweet.
Our last couple of days were spent with Danny's good friend Cheto and his family. Cheto was the interpreter assigned to Team Pillage while in Kurdistan in 2004. Getting to meet the last man of that incredible team was a joy. Though Cheto was not part of the Army, he was an important part of this team and I credit him for putting up with those yahoos and for being there each time Danny was talking to village leaders. He was instrumental in Pillage's success.
We ate and ate and ate and then we drank chi. Then we went to the Middle Eastern grocery and Cheto bought us tea and Chi cups so that we could at least drink the chi at home. I opened myself up to all the new foods on the table and found that I loved it all. My mom would have been so proud. Cheto and his wife gave me history lessons about the region and was so patient with me and my ignorant questions. Such warmth and hospitality! I know we always have a place to stay in Dallas.
Our last night was in a fancy hotel in Dallas. Danny likes a fancy hotel and now that I am Formula One Fancy, I do, too. The hotel brought a piece of chocolate cake to our room for my birthday. The pool and spa were outside on the fourth floor. There were fire pits going and the Dallas skyline was lit up beautifully. It was an easy end to such a great week. I don't really have the words- this guy of mine. WOW!
So my birthday is on Monday. I took the day off of work. Danny will take a half day. Traditionally we do our Christmas shopping on my birthday. We hang out, laugh a lot and end up at a nice place for dinner. This year, John and Nick's. Then we start the twelve days of birthday (similar to the twelve days of Christmas) . Nothing happens on those twelve days, I just thought it was a creative way to keep the birthday thing going.
I'm taking Danny on a cruise for his 45th. Thankfully I have 21 months to plan. There will be no topping this one though. Luckiest girl ever!
PS We got real cowboy boots. Justin Ropers. No Shit. They are pretty sweet.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Happy 239th Birthday Marines!
Well, I am a day early, but for those of you that know me, my USMC birthday starts a few days ahead as I have the distinct honor of making the birthday cake for a group of Marines here. They appear to be a rag tag group of firemen, police and salty dogs looking for a place to celebrate with like minded people. And by like minded people, I mean hard charging Marines.
I believe this is my eighth cake in nine years. I did not do the honors in 2008 as I had a lot going on, but otherwise I have been it! I don't know how I got the job. I am guessing Pat Hickey and my husband were talking and you know what they say about great minds... So I said yep that first year which was also the year we were remodeling our kitchen and I haven't looked back since.
This year is the 239th birthday but for me, more importantly, it is my Marine's 25th birthday. The Marine Corps was very good to him, making much of the man he is today. It was also very good to me. As a spouse, I learned a lot in those four years and am grateful for the opportunity to live in Southern California, drive on the 5, learn a little something about pride and honor, and oh, there is the small matter of two baby girls that the Marines paid for.
This year's cake is my second bulldog. There is eight cakes on that board, fifteen cups of powdered sugar in the frosting, no misspelled words (which is a plus considering I am writing backwards and upside down sometimes).
The first year I went simple with the Marine Corps emblem. The second year was my first bulldog. Then I made a trip to the Marine Corps Museum and got a little more creative. Tun's Tavern has been my favorite as it required all my creative skills. Another year was the yellow footprints, followed by Iwo Jima, dress blues blouse and campaign cover. I already know next year's and the year after. They look brilliant in my mind.
With Veteran's Day the day after the Corps birthday it is easy to get caught up in the emotions of being on the fringe of the military. Some of these guys that will gather around the cake tomorrow have put their asses on the line in the Pacific, Korea, Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan. The rest have missed birthdays, Christmas', day to day life in case. In case the shit got real and they needed to take care of business. There will be very few heroic stories tomorrow night, but it will mostly be tales of drunken escapades, barrack hi jinks, run ins with command. These men are so very proud to be Marines.
Happy 239th Birthday Marines...Semper Fi!
I believe this is my eighth cake in nine years. I did not do the honors in 2008 as I had a lot going on, but otherwise I have been it! I don't know how I got the job. I am guessing Pat Hickey and my husband were talking and you know what they say about great minds... So I said yep that first year which was also the year we were remodeling our kitchen and I haven't looked back since.
This year is the 239th birthday but for me, more importantly, it is my Marine's 25th birthday. The Marine Corps was very good to him, making much of the man he is today. It was also very good to me. As a spouse, I learned a lot in those four years and am grateful for the opportunity to live in Southern California, drive on the 5, learn a little something about pride and honor, and oh, there is the small matter of two baby girls that the Marines paid for.
This year's cake is my second bulldog. There is eight cakes on that board, fifteen cups of powdered sugar in the frosting, no misspelled words (which is a plus considering I am writing backwards and upside down sometimes).
The first year I went simple with the Marine Corps emblem. The second year was my first bulldog. Then I made a trip to the Marine Corps Museum and got a little more creative. Tun's Tavern has been my favorite as it required all my creative skills. Another year was the yellow footprints, followed by Iwo Jima, dress blues blouse and campaign cover. I already know next year's and the year after. They look brilliant in my mind.
With Veteran's Day the day after the Corps birthday it is easy to get caught up in the emotions of being on the fringe of the military. Some of these guys that will gather around the cake tomorrow have put their asses on the line in the Pacific, Korea, Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan. The rest have missed birthdays, Christmas', day to day life in case. In case the shit got real and they needed to take care of business. There will be very few heroic stories tomorrow night, but it will mostly be tales of drunken escapades, barrack hi jinks, run ins with command. These men are so very proud to be Marines.
Happy 239th Birthday Marines...Semper Fi!
Birthday Week Extravaganza Part 1
I didn't know all the details of my Birthday Week Extravaganza (BWE) and for the first time, I was glad not to know. I knew that Danny had done a lot of work on this week and I didn't want to try and think of his surprises or be a pain in the ass about the plans. I had two questions, did I need to pack my scuba gear or prom dress. He said no to both which was good, since I have neither.
I knew that we were going to Austin and to Dallas. We were going to see Duran Duran and The Cowboys. That was the gist of the trip.
Oh this all started months ago when a friend of mine that lives in Austin posted to her Facebook page that Duran Duran would be performing during the Formula 1 Race. Having been a fan, sometimes rabid, since 1983, I reposted the information to my husband's wall and commented that we should go.
Fast forward to ticket sales day. Danny took the day off of work and started the purchasing process at exactly 10 a.m. He had gotten the tickets, second balcony about seven rows up in the middle. In a venue that truly did not have a bad seat in the house, these were amazing. Though John Taylor would not see me or hear me, I would clearly see and hear him. I was beginning to be Hungry Like the Wolf. (I smell like I sound).
So with tickets purchased, a vacation now had to be planned...
Danny did it all. And I graciously stayed out of Ashlyn, Hayley, by text, and his way as they put their heads together and giggled and oohed and aahed and glanced my way and then uttered a series of yes's followed by chest bumps and high fives. Ok, I don't know what they did in the planning stages because I just tried to stay out of the way. Danny making plans is a joyous event because he is so excited about it. I love his generosity. (When he bought The Eagles tickets for his mom, he could not be contained with excitement as he found the perfect seats!)
At work, I readied everything I could for my week's absence. I wrote seven pages of notes, including all the post holiday switches. I was going to be gone over Halloween, and would not be there for the taking down of orange and black and the putting up of red and green. My notes were detailed. The information shared with the leadership. And at 4:00 on Tuesday, I didn't have a rat's ass to share with anyone about what may happen the following week at work! In fact, I didn't even go into a Walgreens while on vacation. Upon return, I was still on such a BWE high that I didn't care that the notes were mostly left unread and that I still got to switch the colors.
We flew Southwest out of Des Moines. I love that we have Southwest now though I am still not a fan of not having an assigned seat. But other than that, the airline is fun! My first surprise was revealed at check in time when the ticket counter person asked if we were headed to San Antonio. I thought we were going to Austin but San Antonio is cool. What do I know!?! And I admit that my geography knowledge of Texas is poor so I didn't know drive times etc and figured this was an easier flight.
San Antonio, what a great town. Danny has a thing about hotels, he likes to stay in the very nice ones when he can. The Contessa on the Riverwalk is one such hotel. We had a Riverwalk view. The room was an upscale studio apartment. The people were so nice! I love being treated as special as I am!
We ate at Hard Rock because we could. I have always liked the Hardrock since my first visit to the original in 1987 in London. I know it is an overpriced chain, but. That is where drink #1 and #2 happened. I drank half of Danny's fruit press drink. It was so good!
We took a boat ride and learned some of the history of the area. These type of little tours are such a great way to see the city, or riverwalk quickly and then make a plan to go a little deeper into places. After the tour we headed to the Alamo (basement was closed for repairs) and then onto The Menger to have a beer in the same bar that Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders drank in. We have now drank in the same establishments as Teddy and Charles Dickens. I don't know if we will ever top that pub though as it was so dark and dank and reeked of beer and fire. Oh, and Tits was going to be there but that is another story.
That was drink #3.
We went to the Riverwalk mall and found a Disney store. Christmas present purchased!
We took a lot of photos and laughed a lot and I was already over the moon with my BWE and the first day wasn't even over. I use the term blessed a lot, but boy am I ever!
We went to a Texas steakhouse on the Riverwalk and got a terrible steak. I don't even know how that happens. I thin ribeye, an overcooked sirloin and cold fries. Tripadvisor will hear about this.
We went to Durty Nelly's, an Irish pub with a sing a long piano player. There were buckets of peanuts on the tables and buckets of shells on the floor. Drinks #4, 5. I had been up since 5 am.
Our final stop was a piano bar and that is where all my money left me. Have you been to a piano bar? Tips for songs (I did not get Barry Manilow). Tips to change the writing on the mirror -GO COWBOYS in response to someone's GO GIANTS and SCREW THAT! GO USA! in response to someone's bullshit European sports shout out! I'm nothing if not obnoxious when well into drinks #6, 7, 8, 9. 9 was the kicker. My birthday shot which was twice that size and contained Red Bull. No thank you. Danny and I danced and dipped and then he cut me off from the booze because I was trashed and a huge surprise was planned for the next day. I ever so lady liked flipped him off but don't think I was truly upset. It was a fantastic day and I immediately passed out on return to the Contessa.
At 4 in the morning 9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 left me in a very unlady like fashion. I had never been a consumer of Pepto Bismal before but I shall never leave home without it again. By the time we hit the road on Thursday morning, I was feeling fine. We headed south. Austin is north. Sea World signs. WTF?
I asked Danny if we were going to Sea World and he told me yes, but that it was closed. The slight hangover probably didn't help my confusion so Danny explained further. The park was closed but he had purchased an hour encounter in the penguin exhibit. I (we) would be able to go into the Antarctica like enclosure and walk amongst the penguins. I started crying there on the interstate. I thought skipping a day of work to buy Duran Duran tickets was the nicest thing ever but this, this tops everything. I have loved penguins longer than Duran Duran. My dad had been to Antarctica twice while in the Navy and it was a great treat when he would get out the old photo album and show me the photos of him in his bushy beard and the penguins on the ice pack. I have spent much of my adult life collecting and being gifted penguins of all designs. Our wedding cake top was of penguins in veil and dress blues cover. I had imagined taking a cruise to Antarctica, but not really. But this, this was just beyond anything I ever imagined.
At Sea World we watched a little slide show, were given the do's and don'ts and donned the cold weather gear. It was around 30 degrees in the enclosure with a light snow. It was mating season and many of the penguins had paired off and were nestled together in their cozy rock nests.
Naughty and hilarious and more naughty and oh, so very sweet. That describes the penguins we met. Gentoo, King, Rockhopper and Chinstrap live inside the enclosure. The King had just finished moulting and were walking around strutting their stuff. Most of the Rockhoppers had found themselves a partner and were snuggled in the rocks. The Chinstraps were busy causing trouble. One spent our entire visit walking behind Danny and biting at his ankles. They very much wanted to know what we were up to, but wanted no part of our kind words or kind pets. The Gentoo were so very nice and sweet. Words fail me. I know, how is that possible. I never ever ever imagined that I would get to pet a penguin, let alone all those that came up to me. I never ever ever imagined that I would have a penguin on my lap and one peaking around my should while another came barreling in ala Harlow to get some attention. I had always been a fan of the emperor but can now say with complete confidence that the gentle Gentoo is my favorite. To top it all off, Danny just let me have this experience. He took all the photos, he was completely selfless, making sure I was first and foremost with these guys. Best friend/husband/guy ever. Have I mentioned that I am blessed beyond measure.
"We have never done a whole birthday week before" commented Danny
"I always have, you have just finally caught on to it." I replied
I knew that we were going to Austin and to Dallas. We were going to see Duran Duran and The Cowboys. That was the gist of the trip.
Oh this all started months ago when a friend of mine that lives in Austin posted to her Facebook page that Duran Duran would be performing during the Formula 1 Race. Having been a fan, sometimes rabid, since 1983, I reposted the information to my husband's wall and commented that we should go.
Fast forward to ticket sales day. Danny took the day off of work and started the purchasing process at exactly 10 a.m. He had gotten the tickets, second balcony about seven rows up in the middle. In a venue that truly did not have a bad seat in the house, these were amazing. Though John Taylor would not see me or hear me, I would clearly see and hear him. I was beginning to be Hungry Like the Wolf. (I smell like I sound).
So with tickets purchased, a vacation now had to be planned...
Danny did it all. And I graciously stayed out of Ashlyn, Hayley, by text, and his way as they put their heads together and giggled and oohed and aahed and glanced my way and then uttered a series of yes's followed by chest bumps and high fives. Ok, I don't know what they did in the planning stages because I just tried to stay out of the way. Danny making plans is a joyous event because he is so excited about it. I love his generosity. (When he bought The Eagles tickets for his mom, he could not be contained with excitement as he found the perfect seats!)
At work, I readied everything I could for my week's absence. I wrote seven pages of notes, including all the post holiday switches. I was going to be gone over Halloween, and would not be there for the taking down of orange and black and the putting up of red and green. My notes were detailed. The information shared with the leadership. And at 4:00 on Tuesday, I didn't have a rat's ass to share with anyone about what may happen the following week at work! In fact, I didn't even go into a Walgreens while on vacation. Upon return, I was still on such a BWE high that I didn't care that the notes were mostly left unread and that I still got to switch the colors.
We flew Southwest out of Des Moines. I love that we have Southwest now though I am still not a fan of not having an assigned seat. But other than that, the airline is fun! My first surprise was revealed at check in time when the ticket counter person asked if we were headed to San Antonio. I thought we were going to Austin but San Antonio is cool. What do I know!?! And I admit that my geography knowledge of Texas is poor so I didn't know drive times etc and figured this was an easier flight.
San Antonio, what a great town. Danny has a thing about hotels, he likes to stay in the very nice ones when he can. The Contessa on the Riverwalk is one such hotel. We had a Riverwalk view. The room was an upscale studio apartment. The people were so nice! I love being treated as special as I am!
We ate at Hard Rock because we could. I have always liked the Hardrock since my first visit to the original in 1987 in London. I know it is an overpriced chain, but. That is where drink #1 and #2 happened. I drank half of Danny's fruit press drink. It was so good!
We took a boat ride and learned some of the history of the area. These type of little tours are such a great way to see the city, or riverwalk quickly and then make a plan to go a little deeper into places. After the tour we headed to the Alamo (basement was closed for repairs) and then onto The Menger to have a beer in the same bar that Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders drank in. We have now drank in the same establishments as Teddy and Charles Dickens. I don't know if we will ever top that pub though as it was so dark and dank and reeked of beer and fire. Oh, and Tits was going to be there but that is another story.
That was drink #3.
We went to the Riverwalk mall and found a Disney store. Christmas present purchased!
We took a lot of photos and laughed a lot and I was already over the moon with my BWE and the first day wasn't even over. I use the term blessed a lot, but boy am I ever!
We went to a Texas steakhouse on the Riverwalk and got a terrible steak. I don't even know how that happens. I thin ribeye, an overcooked sirloin and cold fries. Tripadvisor will hear about this.
We went to Durty Nelly's, an Irish pub with a sing a long piano player. There were buckets of peanuts on the tables and buckets of shells on the floor. Drinks #4, 5. I had been up since 5 am.
Our final stop was a piano bar and that is where all my money left me. Have you been to a piano bar? Tips for songs (I did not get Barry Manilow). Tips to change the writing on the mirror -GO COWBOYS in response to someone's GO GIANTS and SCREW THAT! GO USA! in response to someone's bullshit European sports shout out! I'm nothing if not obnoxious when well into drinks #6, 7, 8, 9. 9 was the kicker. My birthday shot which was twice that size and contained Red Bull. No thank you. Danny and I danced and dipped and then he cut me off from the booze because I was trashed and a huge surprise was planned for the next day. I ever so lady liked flipped him off but don't think I was truly upset. It was a fantastic day and I immediately passed out on return to the Contessa.
At 4 in the morning 9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 left me in a very unlady like fashion. I had never been a consumer of Pepto Bismal before but I shall never leave home without it again. By the time we hit the road on Thursday morning, I was feeling fine. We headed south. Austin is north. Sea World signs. WTF?
I asked Danny if we were going to Sea World and he told me yes, but that it was closed. The slight hangover probably didn't help my confusion so Danny explained further. The park was closed but he had purchased an hour encounter in the penguin exhibit. I (we) would be able to go into the Antarctica like enclosure and walk amongst the penguins. I started crying there on the interstate. I thought skipping a day of work to buy Duran Duran tickets was the nicest thing ever but this, this tops everything. I have loved penguins longer than Duran Duran. My dad had been to Antarctica twice while in the Navy and it was a great treat when he would get out the old photo album and show me the photos of him in his bushy beard and the penguins on the ice pack. I have spent much of my adult life collecting and being gifted penguins of all designs. Our wedding cake top was of penguins in veil and dress blues cover. I had imagined taking a cruise to Antarctica, but not really. But this, this was just beyond anything I ever imagined.
At Sea World we watched a little slide show, were given the do's and don'ts and donned the cold weather gear. It was around 30 degrees in the enclosure with a light snow. It was mating season and many of the penguins had paired off and were nestled together in their cozy rock nests.
Naughty and hilarious and more naughty and oh, so very sweet. That describes the penguins we met. Gentoo, King, Rockhopper and Chinstrap live inside the enclosure. The King had just finished moulting and were walking around strutting their stuff. Most of the Rockhoppers had found themselves a partner and were snuggled in the rocks. The Chinstraps were busy causing trouble. One spent our entire visit walking behind Danny and biting at his ankles. They very much wanted to know what we were up to, but wanted no part of our kind words or kind pets. The Gentoo were so very nice and sweet. Words fail me. I know, how is that possible. I never ever ever imagined that I would get to pet a penguin, let alone all those that came up to me. I never ever ever imagined that I would have a penguin on my lap and one peaking around my should while another came barreling in ala Harlow to get some attention. I had always been a fan of the emperor but can now say with complete confidence that the gentle Gentoo is my favorite. To top it all off, Danny just let me have this experience. He took all the photos, he was completely selfless, making sure I was first and foremost with these guys. Best friend/husband/guy ever. Have I mentioned that I am blessed beyond measure.
"We have never done a whole birthday week before" commented Danny
"I always have, you have just finally caught on to it." I replied
Monday, October 13, 2014
Home Again
Two weekends ago, we had Hayley and Brett. Last weekend we had Jacob. We always have Ashlyn.
Home again. Just briefly. So briefly that there is no time to clean up after the cat or dinner. That waits for mom on Monday!
Home again with laundry and meal requests. Long talks at the island. Time going by far too fast.
It is strange the way these children move in and out of my day now. I wonder how my parents felt with my comings and goings. It isn't hard to have them pop in and out. But it is so hard. These lives they have are not something I am privy to. I have to ask the questions to get the answers. And even then, the answers are often a two letter word. OK. Or I am the board in which a dozen ideas are bounced off of. I love that they have enough faith and confidence in me to let me in on their hopes.
Hayley, at the end of one chapter and already wanting to write the next. I cannot really imagine what she is feeling, desperately wanting to know what come next and wanting to know how to start making that happen. She will graduate in May from UNI. She may have a job lined up here in Des Moines but I get the feeling that she is in no hurry to leave the job she has in Cedar Falls. I know that she is ready to pack up and leave the shit hole she is living in. She is ready for an ant free, furnace working apartment with cupboards that close properly, with tenants that don't hit the building, with pot smoke not wafting through the halls. But this apartment was a great place to start because it will only get better. She has already taken the first step and purchased a reliable vehicle, she has money in the bank. She has a plan.
I just hope she remembers that plans are written on the beach of the ocean and the tide comes in with no mercy. What is written isn't always so. I hope she knows that she always has a place here, even with her cat. I hope she knows that there is no shame in finding us a safe place to rest, regroup and see movies every Wednesday night. If she should need us...
Jacob is full of adventure. He is taking ISU's marketing campaign to heart and seems to be enjoying it. OK is the answer I get to the question of classes. But this isn't my bill so it isn't mine to pry. I just hope that he takes advantage of every adventure that is offered academic and otherwise. College has not changed him yet. I was still hugged and tackled and hugged again. Emmitt was still terrified all weekend. Jacob already has a job lined up for next summer. I think he has also realized that he will have to line up a job on campus sooner than later as life still comes with unexpected and expected bills.
Ashlyn waits for the LSAT results. I know we will lose her in the spring. Maybe as we gain Hayley and Jacob. I know that she only stopped here to rest. I know.
I returned twice to my parents home after I had gone and gotten married. It may have been the greatest gift they gave me in a long line of gifts. Danny was gone and I had the girls. We absolutely could have made it in SoCal as we did in Germany years later. But they were little and we were out in town. Which meant that there was no military near by and we were on our own day in and day out. Coming home gave peace of mind to everyone that needed it and it meant that the girls had a relationship with their grandparents that otherwise would not have been.
I hope that my kinder know that they can always come home again. If it is for summer break, or just a break from the realities of the world out there. We offer an old bedroom, a fresh supply of towels, some food, sometimes even cooked, Wednesday night movies (with kettle korn), a short list of chores and all the childhood movies one could ask for.
Home again. Just briefly. So briefly that there is no time to clean up after the cat or dinner. That waits for mom on Monday!
Home again with laundry and meal requests. Long talks at the island. Time going by far too fast.
It is strange the way these children move in and out of my day now. I wonder how my parents felt with my comings and goings. It isn't hard to have them pop in and out. But it is so hard. These lives they have are not something I am privy to. I have to ask the questions to get the answers. And even then, the answers are often a two letter word. OK. Or I am the board in which a dozen ideas are bounced off of. I love that they have enough faith and confidence in me to let me in on their hopes.
Hayley, at the end of one chapter and already wanting to write the next. I cannot really imagine what she is feeling, desperately wanting to know what come next and wanting to know how to start making that happen. She will graduate in May from UNI. She may have a job lined up here in Des Moines but I get the feeling that she is in no hurry to leave the job she has in Cedar Falls. I know that she is ready to pack up and leave the shit hole she is living in. She is ready for an ant free, furnace working apartment with cupboards that close properly, with tenants that don't hit the building, with pot smoke not wafting through the halls. But this apartment was a great place to start because it will only get better. She has already taken the first step and purchased a reliable vehicle, she has money in the bank. She has a plan.
I just hope she remembers that plans are written on the beach of the ocean and the tide comes in with no mercy. What is written isn't always so. I hope she knows that she always has a place here, even with her cat. I hope she knows that there is no shame in finding us a safe place to rest, regroup and see movies every Wednesday night. If she should need us...
Jacob is full of adventure. He is taking ISU's marketing campaign to heart and seems to be enjoying it. OK is the answer I get to the question of classes. But this isn't my bill so it isn't mine to pry. I just hope that he takes advantage of every adventure that is offered academic and otherwise. College has not changed him yet. I was still hugged and tackled and hugged again. Emmitt was still terrified all weekend. Jacob already has a job lined up for next summer. I think he has also realized that he will have to line up a job on campus sooner than later as life still comes with unexpected and expected bills.
Ashlyn waits for the LSAT results. I know we will lose her in the spring. Maybe as we gain Hayley and Jacob. I know that she only stopped here to rest. I know.
I returned twice to my parents home after I had gone and gotten married. It may have been the greatest gift they gave me in a long line of gifts. Danny was gone and I had the girls. We absolutely could have made it in SoCal as we did in Germany years later. But they were little and we were out in town. Which meant that there was no military near by and we were on our own day in and day out. Coming home gave peace of mind to everyone that needed it and it meant that the girls had a relationship with their grandparents that otherwise would not have been.
I hope that my kinder know that they can always come home again. If it is for summer break, or just a break from the realities of the world out there. We offer an old bedroom, a fresh supply of towels, some food, sometimes even cooked, Wednesday night movies (with kettle korn), a short list of chores and all the childhood movies one could ask for.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
The Military Diet
So I found The Military Diet or Three Day Diet on Pinterest this past week. I am not very good at following any type of eating plan but thought I could handle three days. The promise of this diet is up to five pounds weight loss in the three days. It is meant as a jumping off point, I suppose, to a little less weight and a little more motivation.
It was hard to pick the best three days. No Wednesdays because that's movie night and kettle korn night. I chose the three days after, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Bad choice because Friday was a work birthday and I couldn't eat cheesecake and Saturday had two birthday cakes to make and I couldn't eat any graham cracker cookies.
Wednesday night I went to the grocery store with my list. I bought the app for the diet just to help me stay on track. The two McDonalds sweet teas that I didn't buy paid for the app. Ashlyn and Danny were with me at the store and were questioning the food choices on this. There is ice cream and saltines and hot dogs along with cottage cheese and carrots. Seems legit!
Thursday morning the scale said loud and proud 149. Well, fuck, that is higher than I expected. And unfortunately from what I know of my weight during the FXB days, that is over ten pounds of fat. During FXB I was much more fit and muscular and weighed ten pounds less. During the deployment days (which I also refer to as the crazy year) I hit bottom at 118. There was very little muscle and mostly bone protruding from my neck. Oddly, when I was in my early twenties, I weighed much less than that but don't notice the protruding bone, she needs a sandwich effect in old photos. And I know that I am not fat, I know that my weight gain is easily solved with less sugar and more exercise. But I am lazy and don't want to keep track. I like sweet tea and candy. In fact, I may be an elf.
I continued to take my normal vitamins and supplements during the three days. I take a multi, an iron, two D's, two different B's, a biotin for healthy nails and hair and an Epicor to keep me breathing!
Day one seemed like a lot of food especially for breakfast. I drank tea and ate grapefruit and toast with peanut butter. I had the grapefruit in the cup because it only called for a half of grapefruit and the other half would have gone bad. The cup has added sugar so there's that. But this was a great breakfast and I wasn't hungry at all at work.
Lunch was at 2:00 with 1/2 cup of cottage cheese and 1/8 cup sunflower kernels and more tea. I normally don't eat lunch at work but two smaller snacks. This was much healthier than usual. I was also drinking water throughout the day, something I don't normally do.
Dinner was delightful with chicken, green beans, 1/2 banana and apple and 1 cup of vanilla ice cream. I did not go to bed hungry!
The next two days were different and less foods but I never felt hungry. I had a horrible headache on day two. I don't know if it was the diet, lack of sugar or just time. I drank a half of gallon of water which is a half gallon more than I usually drink and the headache stayed. That was the only problem I really encountered.
I peed a lot over the next three days, but the claim that I just lost water weight doesn't seem fair considering that I was not dehydrated and that I had drank zero water prior to the start. My belly felt flatter and softer. Danny thought it looked littler as well. I did not exercise at all. There were no violent poops associated with this diet either which was nice. Peeing was the big theme for me.
The weigh in on day two was 146, day three was 145.6 and the final weigh in was 145.2. Respectable results, if you ask me. Now I am on my own eating responsibly and exercising.
I started the 20 day plank challenge yesterday...
It was hard to pick the best three days. No Wednesdays because that's movie night and kettle korn night. I chose the three days after, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Bad choice because Friday was a work birthday and I couldn't eat cheesecake and Saturday had two birthday cakes to make and I couldn't eat any graham cracker cookies.
Wednesday night I went to the grocery store with my list. I bought the app for the diet just to help me stay on track. The two McDonalds sweet teas that I didn't buy paid for the app. Ashlyn and Danny were with me at the store and were questioning the food choices on this. There is ice cream and saltines and hot dogs along with cottage cheese and carrots. Seems legit!
Thursday morning the scale said loud and proud 149. Well, fuck, that is higher than I expected. And unfortunately from what I know of my weight during the FXB days, that is over ten pounds of fat. During FXB I was much more fit and muscular and weighed ten pounds less. During the deployment days (which I also refer to as the crazy year) I hit bottom at 118. There was very little muscle and mostly bone protruding from my neck. Oddly, when I was in my early twenties, I weighed much less than that but don't notice the protruding bone, she needs a sandwich effect in old photos. And I know that I am not fat, I know that my weight gain is easily solved with less sugar and more exercise. But I am lazy and don't want to keep track. I like sweet tea and candy. In fact, I may be an elf.
I continued to take my normal vitamins and supplements during the three days. I take a multi, an iron, two D's, two different B's, a biotin for healthy nails and hair and an Epicor to keep me breathing!
Day one seemed like a lot of food especially for breakfast. I drank tea and ate grapefruit and toast with peanut butter. I had the grapefruit in the cup because it only called for a half of grapefruit and the other half would have gone bad. The cup has added sugar so there's that. But this was a great breakfast and I wasn't hungry at all at work.
Lunch was at 2:00 with 1/2 cup of cottage cheese and 1/8 cup sunflower kernels and more tea. I normally don't eat lunch at work but two smaller snacks. This was much healthier than usual. I was also drinking water throughout the day, something I don't normally do.
Dinner was delightful with chicken, green beans, 1/2 banana and apple and 1 cup of vanilla ice cream. I did not go to bed hungry!
The next two days were different and less foods but I never felt hungry. I had a horrible headache on day two. I don't know if it was the diet, lack of sugar or just time. I drank a half of gallon of water which is a half gallon more than I usually drink and the headache stayed. That was the only problem I really encountered.
I peed a lot over the next three days, but the claim that I just lost water weight doesn't seem fair considering that I was not dehydrated and that I had drank zero water prior to the start. My belly felt flatter and softer. Danny thought it looked littler as well. I did not exercise at all. There were no violent poops associated with this diet either which was nice. Peeing was the big theme for me.
The weigh in on day two was 146, day three was 145.6 and the final weigh in was 145.2. Respectable results, if you ask me. Now I am on my own eating responsibly and exercising.
I started the 20 day plank challenge yesterday...
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Post Medium
So it has been a week since my visit to the medium. The same amount of time has passed since my last breakdown as well. I am still taking into consideration what was shared with me that evening. Some of it is fairly tongue in cheek, some far more seriously. It helps tremendously that I have this outlet and the outlet of those that know me to bounce these thoughts off of.
Interestedly, many were ready to completely disregard what this person had to say because it didn't mirror their own experience or they didn't believe. Well, this is mine and it isn't really up to you to decide what happened was real or true or accurate. I cannot really explain, but I know what was true and as I still process, I can make sense of most of what was said. Her feelings about Danny were off. He does like things a certain way when it pertains to his jobs. That was accurate, but in our relationship there has never been a sense of me giving up anything for him. Unless one wants to describe a grand adventure as giving up.
There was the misunderstanding that all of my angst last week was caused by what the medium said. That really isn't true. My angst really stemmed from knowing that as I was read, what was read was still unwritten. Does that make sense? I believe that this person was able to see into me, got a feel of how I feel. She clearly saw that I am not where I want to be. Potential, it seems, is a loaded word. The medium didn't make me feel bad about myself. I felt that way going in, she just pulled those feelings up to the surface. I know that there is something in me that wants to come forward but I can't seem to figure out what that something is. I know that I wanted the medium to be able to see that. But that is my mystery to solve. Challenge accepted. I have books to read and other avenues to explore.
Potential.
I used to really enjoy my job when I was in inventory control. I was good at it and it was a pretty black and white type of job. Scientific even. Selling cosmetics is many colors and I am not so good at it. I could easily retain what I learned in my old position. I do not retain the information I learn in this position. That is frustrating. It isn't that I am not good at my job, it just isn't the type of job I am wired for. But there is that acceptance now that this job is a means to an end. Usually a weekend. This job pays me well enough to enjoy the life I have away from the drugstore.
It feels really good to finally put that into its proper place. Remind me of that when I want to bitch about my job again.
Someone had commented that someday I would realize that my loved ones were in a good place, or something like that. I know where my mom is. I don't question her presence in heaven. That is one of the things I am sure of in my life. Wanting to talk to my mom through the medium was not about finding out if my mom was ok, it was about having one last meaningful conversation with her. I don't remember the last time we spoke as mom and daughter. I remember the last meaningful conversation that we had though. It was my sister, Sheila's wedding. My mom did not recognize me. Sheila talked her through her children, (Bobby, Crissy, Dicky, Sheila, Annie) which had always worked in the past, but this time when Sheila got to Annie, the blank look in my mom's eyes didn't leave. Like the photo in Back to the Future, I had faded away from her memory. I don't know that I will ever make peace with that day. I don't know how anyone can expect me to. And I know that a medium could give me some very generic words of love and pride, but maybe my mom will really come forward and I will get one more chance. Maybe she will use a phrase from my childhood. Maybe. A lot of people have had signs and messages from beyond the grave, am I selfish for wanting mine?
I don't know quite how I feel about reincarnation. But I am having so much fun with my past lives that I don't intend to let them go. Just as people can glean the deeper meaning out of the bible or philosophy texts, I am gleaning the deeper meaning out of my past lives and the additional information she shared with me. If the Lord communicated through dreams and bushes, why can't He also communicate through gifted people? Was a scientist or a healer? Sure! Why not! And if I wasn't, and choose to believe that I was, where is the harm in that? Call me crazy, you probably do anyway.
Oh, potential. I have got a plan for that.
The whole point of the medium, if I am going to be completely honest, was to talk to my dogs. For whatever reason, the expectations that I put on human relationships I never put on the canine ones. I could love them unconditionally without reading into everything. I was always at ease with them (except when I was walking Harlow). I was always myself with them. I always felt safe with them. I don't know if I ever properly thanked them for being my best friends. And secretly, I wanted to ask them to guide my next friend to me. When I hit my low, which happens from time to time, these pups never judged, they never glanced at the scars, they never rolled their eyes. In fact, when I hit the low, they sought me out and put their giant heads on me, taking away some of the weight from my heart in the process. I just wanted to say thanks. That's all.
I feel so much better now. I will go to another medium. I will keep looking for whatever it is I am looking for. I will keep blogging about it. Tapping into my potential.
Interestedly, many were ready to completely disregard what this person had to say because it didn't mirror their own experience or they didn't believe. Well, this is mine and it isn't really up to you to decide what happened was real or true or accurate. I cannot really explain, but I know what was true and as I still process, I can make sense of most of what was said. Her feelings about Danny were off. He does like things a certain way when it pertains to his jobs. That was accurate, but in our relationship there has never been a sense of me giving up anything for him. Unless one wants to describe a grand adventure as giving up.
There was the misunderstanding that all of my angst last week was caused by what the medium said. That really isn't true. My angst really stemmed from knowing that as I was read, what was read was still unwritten. Does that make sense? I believe that this person was able to see into me, got a feel of how I feel. She clearly saw that I am not where I want to be. Potential, it seems, is a loaded word. The medium didn't make me feel bad about myself. I felt that way going in, she just pulled those feelings up to the surface. I know that there is something in me that wants to come forward but I can't seem to figure out what that something is. I know that I wanted the medium to be able to see that. But that is my mystery to solve. Challenge accepted. I have books to read and other avenues to explore.
Potential.
I used to really enjoy my job when I was in inventory control. I was good at it and it was a pretty black and white type of job. Scientific even. Selling cosmetics is many colors and I am not so good at it. I could easily retain what I learned in my old position. I do not retain the information I learn in this position. That is frustrating. It isn't that I am not good at my job, it just isn't the type of job I am wired for. But there is that acceptance now that this job is a means to an end. Usually a weekend. This job pays me well enough to enjoy the life I have away from the drugstore.
It feels really good to finally put that into its proper place. Remind me of that when I want to bitch about my job again.
Someone had commented that someday I would realize that my loved ones were in a good place, or something like that. I know where my mom is. I don't question her presence in heaven. That is one of the things I am sure of in my life. Wanting to talk to my mom through the medium was not about finding out if my mom was ok, it was about having one last meaningful conversation with her. I don't remember the last time we spoke as mom and daughter. I remember the last meaningful conversation that we had though. It was my sister, Sheila's wedding. My mom did not recognize me. Sheila talked her through her children, (Bobby, Crissy, Dicky, Sheila, Annie) which had always worked in the past, but this time when Sheila got to Annie, the blank look in my mom's eyes didn't leave. Like the photo in Back to the Future, I had faded away from her memory. I don't know that I will ever make peace with that day. I don't know how anyone can expect me to. And I know that a medium could give me some very generic words of love and pride, but maybe my mom will really come forward and I will get one more chance. Maybe she will use a phrase from my childhood. Maybe. A lot of people have had signs and messages from beyond the grave, am I selfish for wanting mine?
I don't know quite how I feel about reincarnation. But I am having so much fun with my past lives that I don't intend to let them go. Just as people can glean the deeper meaning out of the bible or philosophy texts, I am gleaning the deeper meaning out of my past lives and the additional information she shared with me. If the Lord communicated through dreams and bushes, why can't He also communicate through gifted people? Was a scientist or a healer? Sure! Why not! And if I wasn't, and choose to believe that I was, where is the harm in that? Call me crazy, you probably do anyway.
Oh, potential. I have got a plan for that.
The whole point of the medium, if I am going to be completely honest, was to talk to my dogs. For whatever reason, the expectations that I put on human relationships I never put on the canine ones. I could love them unconditionally without reading into everything. I was always at ease with them (except when I was walking Harlow). I was always myself with them. I always felt safe with them. I don't know if I ever properly thanked them for being my best friends. And secretly, I wanted to ask them to guide my next friend to me. When I hit my low, which happens from time to time, these pups never judged, they never glanced at the scars, they never rolled their eyes. In fact, when I hit the low, they sought me out and put their giant heads on me, taking away some of the weight from my heart in the process. I just wanted to say thanks. That's all.
I feel so much better now. I will go to another medium. I will keep looking for whatever it is I am looking for. I will keep blogging about it. Tapping into my potential.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)