I Am Running

Running, by definition, is not what I am doing.  There are no track athletes taking notice of my speed and form.  There is no one taking notice of my speed and form mainly because there is no speed and my form is pretty pathetic. 
But I am running.  I have started the couch to five kilometer program on my fancy pants phone.  The app tells me to warm up, run, walk, run, walk, run, walk, run, walk,  cool down.  What I actually do is warm up, no problem there.  I have 80s rock in my old school headphones.  My ears are too little for ear buds so I am sporting the 80s type.  Nothing quite as cool as 70s rollerskating headphones, but its what works for me.  I am moving right along warming up and shit.  then she tells me to run.  And run I do.  Well, not lion is chasing me run, more of a good jog.  My form is good, I am breathing, nice stride.  And then the nice lady tells me to walk.  And walk I do.  We repeat this a couple of times and then something terrible happens.
I have taken a turn onto a hilly street and the bitch tells me to run.  Run my ass.  More like a shuffle.  And I don't mean Superbowl Shuffle.  I mean I cannot lift my legs to save my sorry self shuffle.  There is no form, no breathing, no stride.  I am actually moving backward and my breathing has become this gasping.  I feel like I should be pulling an oxygen tank to offset my unfiltered camels induced hacking (ok, that is a bit of an over exaggeration). 
And then we are friends again because she tells me it is time to walk.  She flips out on me one or two more times and I really try to run.  But I am moving slower than if I were walking.  It is frustrating.  It pisses me off.  It is the exact opposite of this elusive runner's high all the cool kids talk about.
Finally it is cool down time.  I am really good at the cool down time.  In fact, I pick it up a bit and am feeling pretty good.  In fact, I feel good enough to jog, but it isn't jog time, it is cool down time.  Being the rule breaker that I am not, I continue to walk, to cool down, to let my heart rate settle and my breathing return to normal.
I really want to quit.  I want to just walk.  I like to give up on things that are hard.  Hard is dumb.  Giving up is easy.  I like easy.  But in eight months time I have a ten mile obstacle course.  So hard or easy, I cannot quit.  In fact, I have to do a lot more than just learn to run.  I have to build my core strength so I don't blow my back.  I have to improve (and by improve I mean create some!) my upper body strength so I can pull myself over a wall.  I have to stretch so I don't pull a hammy. 
There is a basement full of just about everything I need to reach my goals.  I don't have a treadmill, but I can run outside until it gets cold and then I will switch it up to cardio indoors.  I have to.  I have to get this body in fighting shape because when this race is over I plan to start MMA fighting.  You know, or sit on the couch.