So two weekends ago, I spent thirty hours at St. Francis on a retreat. Christ Renews His Parish, to be exact. For any of my Catholic friends that have done this, you know what I am talking about, for those that haven't done it, I can't really say much about it.
My relationship with the Lord has been a challenge through the years. We are good now, but I feel like our relationship could always be better. And this is one of my attempts at improving this relationship.
Now if you do not believe in God or believe in a god, but really don't have faith in him, then this blog really isn't for you. But continue reading if you are interested in my comfort zone.
I don't really get along with people. I don't know what my deal is, well, I actually know what my deal is but I don't know if I should go into it here. Anyway, I have a really hard time with women. Especially groups of women. I always feel inferior to them. I immediately find myself crossing my arms. I start to pick apart outfits, body language, anything to make me feel better about myself.
Finding myself in a room full of women with no escape was a huge challenge for me. I had to push myself to stop being critical. I know that there was nothing but my own insecurities that promote this behavior. My heart knows it, my mind...not so much.
So at this retreat, I got to know a few people. I ate with people that I did not know. I joined in conversations. None of it was easy. I left the retreat with a true sense of well being, but did not get everything I wanted out of the weekend.
So after the weekend is another opportunity to stay active with this same group of women. I went to the meeting last night hoping for that feeling of this is where I belong. I did not get the feeling. I was firmly on the fence with whether I wanted to continue. I want big, bold signs from the Lord. Neon flashing signs. The Lord did not provide such a sign. I asked some of the women that I had met to say a prayer for me. I said some prayers for myself.
It is hard to feel unworthy. Self esteem is a fragile thing. Danny does a remarkable job of reminding me all the time that I am more than I think I am. My children do as well. Barron never failed to make me believe that I was all that sparkled in his eyes. My job, the job I was really good at, is gone. I struggle daily with feelings of inadequacy.
I feel like this group of women could be a very safe place for me. I left last night feeling like there were some of the women there that really wanted me to be a part of it with them. But still, this is way outside of my comfort zone. My comfort zone is close to home, where people love me because of and in spite of who I am.
Can I let my guard down? Can I really just be the person that Barron loved so dearly. Can I show them the sincere, semi sweet girl that Danny loves so much? Well, I have to believe that God would not have led me here, that my mom would not be encouraging me to be involved, that I would not find a safe place within St. Francis' walls.
So Monday night, week after next, I am going. Those twenty five or so women are going to get to know me and hopefully, love me. I am going to put away my petty thoughts and know that these are good women that have come with an open heart and a positive attitude. I will have to leave my comfort zone for an unknown zone. But the Lord has worked too long and too hard on me to let me give up on this, on myself worth, on my goals to improve myself.
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