My Friend Jesus

I went to mass today looking for that sign.  I was hoping i would hear what I needed to hear to know if I was where I was supposed to be.  Surprise, I didn't hear it, at least not in the readings or in the homily or in any of the hymns.  Oh, they were all very nice and lovely and such, but none of them took my by the shoulders and shook the clarity into me. 
It was in that moment after communion when there is the time to reflect or watch all the other people return to their pews, looking for someone I know, that I found my clarity.  It wasn't OT earth shaking.  It was that warm fuzzy feeling that one gets when they hug a friend.  Because my friend Jesus did just that.  Quietly, clearly and ever so sweetly, His warmth came over me in love and friendship.
We are friends.  He loves me for all the good that I try to do and be and for all times I pick myself up.  He loves me in spite of my faults and failures, or maybe He loves me because of them, too.  I don't care really, I just know, I really know, that He loves me.  And not because the bible tells me so, but because I feel it, like the sun on my face. 
It became clear to me today that I may never figure out if I am technically a Catholic, but the doors opened freely for me and there was no one yelling "sinner get out" at me.  That would have been awkward.  Instead,  I was greeted with smiles and salutations of welcome.  Of course, they don't know that I am not a rule follower, but I have let that go.  Murky water off this ducky's back.  They saw in me a child of God, like they all are and I was welcome to join in the celebration.  Today I went to a different parish and it occurred to me that it may be good to visit other parishes and even other churches.   I remember going to a Methodist service and the message received that day stays with me still.  Clearly the Lord speaks through everyone.  Post communion reflection made me realize that Jesus is my friend if I am in this church each Sunday morning or if I am in the yard trying desperately to reduce my carbon footprint.  I am, in either place, celebrating Him and His unending gifts.  Now, I will say that watching the Monkees on a Sunday morning instead of doing one of the above is probably not the most righteous way to celebrate His glories.  Though I do think Jesus would enjoy the crazy antics of Davey Jones and pals. 
I feel really good.  I feel like I was trying way too hard at being something that I wasn't.  All I needed was to be open to His friendship.  We are buddies.  We can hang out formally or informally.  We can chat it up while I'm driving in my car, digging in the yard, or piously while I am on my knees.  I don't even have to talk, I can (and should) just listen most of the time. 
Now that I have made sense of the hard part, the next step for me is to be a better friend.  I know that the bible will give me trouble so I will take that slow.  But as a fan of history, it seems like I should enjoy the bible from the historical view and ease into the religious ramifications. 
And to all my friends that have indulged me and read these blogs, thank you.  I needed as many voices as I could have to find my way because I know that Jesus works through us for us.  You let me know that you cared abut me and my struggle and I really needed that as I was feeling less than zero for a day or two.  Will you see me in church next Sunday?  Well no, I will be in Chicago, but you just might see me the week after that.  regardless of where you see me, you will see me more at peace and happy in this renewed friendship. 

Beer and Jesus

In my quest for answers to questions that I cannot clearly articulate, I spent the afternoon with some friends trying to figure it all out.  When I got home, the discussion was continued with Danny and Ashlyn.  It turns out that I may be being harder on myself than I need to be but I don't know.
We discussed a lot of things today about God and religion and the bible and judgemental people and beer and wine.
God loves me, this I know not because the bible tells me so because I am still not sure how I feel about the bible but because God tells me so in all that He has blessed me with.  I know that I am worthy of His love and His forgiveness.  I have felt His arms around me in various forms throughout my life.  I know I am secure in the palm of His hand.
Religion is different than faith.  Faith is what I have, religion is, in part, how I show my faith.  But not really because I am not very good with religion.  I struggled with whether or not I am catholic.  I decided that I am catholic because (1.) I remember a nun telling me that once one is baptised catholic they are always catholic and (2.) I believe in the Eucharist.  It is not a symbol for me.  Of all the stuff I have read in the bible, that is the one thing that I know is true, this is my body.  I have a pretty decent analogy that explains how I feel about the Eucharist.  When I got my prescription for an epi pen it came with a practice pen. The practice pen is a symbol of the epi pen.   Oh, it is a lot of fun to play Pulp Fiction with, but when it is life and death, I want the real pen, full of life saving goodness.  That is what the Eucharist is for me, soul saving goodness.  So I am Catholic.  I am not a rule following Catholic, but I never was, so there's that.
The bible is a big ole struggle for me.  I have already shared a lot of that struggle in previous blogs.  I am going to read The Story and see how I feel about that.  I would like to read the bible, I would like to have an intellectual grasp of it.  I would like to stop being so frustrated with it.  I don't have the same struggles with the New Testament that I have with the Old Testament.  There is a lot in the OT that I don't think is necessary to believe.  The creation story doesn't matter to me as I believe that six days or six trillion years does not change the miracle.  But I have to figure out a lot of the other stuff.  That is going to take my big brain and a lot of bigger brains telling me what I am reading.  I am going to take it slow and steady and see where I end up.  My current take on it is that some of the Old Testament is written in story form to help explain the unexplainable.  Some of it is a rule book and some of it is the first version of ancestry.com. 
Judgemental people are really just people.  The discussion today frequently returned to the fact that it is easier for people to look out at sin then look in at the sins they have.  Man, isn't that the truth.  I can point fingers all day long.  I probably do.  It sucks that I am so judgemental.  I know that, I still don't seem to change.  I think there was a time that I would have blamed my lack of church attendance on the judgemental people in the pew next to me, but that is a cop out and I know that now.  I call that maturity.  If we are made in God's image, can we be that bad?
Beer was central to our talk today because we were in a pub and we all enjoyed a nice beverage.  The conversation drifted to the rules of religion and the commandments of the OT.  We discussed the sin of drinking.  I am quite confident that Jesus would be a regular in the pubs of the world.  He would be where He was needed and sadly, more people are searching for Him there than in the church.  My point here is that the rules that are set forth by the different religions were created by people.  Sure, people have come up with some good rules, but telling me the correct way to worship and honor The Lord is probably out of their realm.  I don't think partaking in a cold beverage is a sin, Jesus made the best wine at the urging of His mom.  How can a banquet beer be bad?
Thank you Jeff and Kari for hearing me out and sharing with me your open and honest views on all of the above.  Thank you Danny and Ashlyn for listening to me go round and round and round.  Like a record.  Thank you Lord for your sense of humor and your patience and your everlasting love and forgiveness. 

My World Vision

This week, World Vision, one of the sponsor a child organizations, announced that it would hire married gay people.  And then a lot of people freaked out and threatened to pull their support of children.  So World Vision recanted and decided not to hire married gay people. 
It never occurred to me that a business would have such a policy.  I knew that my catholic school had such a policy because the gym teacher was fired for moving in with a divorced women.  It was shocking.  Not really, as we were all almost adults and didn't really care who the gym teacher was banging. 
Anyway, this World Vision debacle has made me think about how little I know about the businesses that I may or may not do business with.  I didn't do business with World Vision as Danny and I sponsor a child through Upbound.  So I don't have to get up in arms over this, though it makes me sad. 
I am not an informed shopper and I really need to start.  Working in retail, I have noticed a few practices that I am not keen on.  Revlon sends their lip liner in a box.  The lip liner is already carded and is then shipped in a box.  One liner per box.  The other companies are not much better, putting two eye liners in a box.  Garnier shrink wraps many of its hair sprays together and then puts them in a cardboard box. 
I recently expressed interest in a company that sells bags, jewelry and accessories.  I searched their website to find out where the products are made and could not find anything.  I have made the personal pledge to only buy things I don't need from local or fairtrade.  Needless to say, I won't be buying from them.  I have to make the better choice with my dollar so that someone can have the opportunity to make choices with their dollars. 
In my bathroom I have started the switch from mass produced heath and beauty products to more natural ones.  The first switch was from drugstore body wash to all natural soap from New Zealand.  In the future, I won't buy New Zealand soaps, I just happened to be there.  But I will continue to buy the most natural of products.
Educating myself is going to be a long process.  I don't think the information is going to be easy to access.  The companies that are proud of their record will promote their record.  The companies that aren't will have broad stroke statements about their commitment to fair trade, fair wages and the environment.  This ought to be fun.
Years from now I hope to have a cabinet filled with the best that I can buy.  The best for me and you and the earth.  I hope that I can be living a smaller life.  I hope that I can minimize the kick in the face that I am giving the earth.  I hope that I am buying from and supporting companies that are stewards of the earth and friends of their fellow man. 

Am I Catholic, part 2 Or More Ramblings from the Zimmer

I am still mulling this over.  I understand that I am not required to have a religion to be a good person.  I am not required to have a god or a belief system to be a good person.  I don't have to be able to quote scripture to be holy.  I don't have to know what Jesus would do to do the right thing.  I get all that.  But what happens to me when I die if I don't have a religion?  Where is my funeral?  But then again, if I don't practice my religion now, what is the point of having it practiced about my corpse?
One friend recommended that I take a bible study.  She gave me the name of a nondenominational that she really enjoyed.  I started a bible study once and it was a disaster.  My foundation was rocked in a way that was completely unexpected.   It was The Bible Timeline presented by Jeff Cavins.  My first mistake was taking this class and not an academic class.  I want to understand the history of the story.  The who, whats, and whys.  I quickly became disenchanted with the stars of the Old Testament.   It was a huge struggle for me and I had to stop taking the class before I left God all together.  I think what was most difficult is that I was constantly told that I had to look at the context of which something was wrote.  For example, Abram's wife invites her maid to sleep with her husband so that he may have a child.  The maid does and Ishmael is the result.   Fast forward to a couple hiring a surrogate to have their child and that is frowned upon in some religious circles.  How does one make sense of it?  Here is a couple that cannot have a child of their own through traditional lay with thy wife methods.  So in comes science and there is a way, a pretty clinical way, for this couple to have a child and the couple has to make that choice between having a child or following the canon law.  But it is perfectly ok for Abram (later Abraham) to bed his wife's maid?  I don't get it.  And please don't say that they could adopt, because Abram could have adopted too. 
I had blogged about a group I had joined, Christ Renews His Parish, a couple of years ago.  This group went to a retreat and later put on a retreat.  During the retreat, I presented part of my history and in this history, used quotes from the bible.  I found fantastic quotes that went so well with the bits of my story.  Later, I went back to the bible and read more than just the quoted area and (my own fault for not doing so to begin with) felt cheated.  How often had someone quoted the bible, but just used the part that applied, as I did?  It's like a parent telling their child "no more cookies" and the child just quoting the "more cookies" part.  So I used some pretty crappy bible quotes once I knew the whole story.  I felt like a sham and felt shammed. 
So I sit here in my zimmer trying to come to terms with my religion, my faith and my friend, Jesus.  I am frustrated and honestly, a lot scared.  This is God I am monkeying around with and I know that He is full of wrath (according to the OT, and why is that?  Why is He wrath and damnation in book one and according to His Son, full of love and forgiveness in book two.)  and mercy. 
And I did pay attention in religion class.  I knew all my prayers.  I asked a lot of these same questions in high school and just had to have talking to by one of the priests.  I have let the Mormons in and I have chatted with the Jehovah's.  I read about other religions and have read about those that have no religion or faith at all.   I have tried to have an open mind.  I even buy into the Book of Enoch and Aliens theory (a little, Blue Blazer guy makes valid points (there I said it Danny White)).  This is my call for help.   Lord, please answer it. 

Am I Catholic?

I have been doing a lot of soul searching, answering ten questions, finding some of my truths.  I know that I don't love my job, but I think I can find my way back to it.  There are always changes and I am not ready to jump ship in murky waters so I will let that be.  I don't love the direction my health is taking and I have already taken steps to improve my lot.  I have no idea where my soul is and that makes me terribly sad.
I last went to mass in New Zealand.  It was a fantastic experience and I am grateful that I went.  I don't understand why that gratitude does not carry over to mass here.  I don't feel pulled to go.  I don't feel pulled to celebrate with others.  I don't feel pulled.  And I am scared.  I have never been a good catholic.  I was not the prized pupil of most of my catholic school teachers.  I know that a lot of my struggles have come from what I see others do and say.  I also know hat is a bullshit excuse.  How I practice and celebrate my faith is between me and the Lord.   If others in my pew are judgemental or whatever, that is not for me to judge or me to use as an excuse as to why I don't go to church.  I know all this.  I also know that the church is run by men and women who have their own opinions and those opinions have worked their way into the laws and practices of the church.  Catholics have been around a long time, there are repeated instances of not so Godly acts performed by those that represent.  I cannot use greedy popes from centuries ago as a reason not to give money.  I cannot use the unspeakable acts of some priests to shield away from finding comfort and advice from my own parish priests.  I cannot take the church's view of marriage as the only view there is. 
But there's the thing.  I don't buy all that the church is selling.  I am pro choice.  I am pro marriage for everyone.  I am pro don't convert people.  Those are all pretty big anti catholic ideas. 
I believe in the Holy Eucharist.  I believe that Christ is present on the altar and I am worthy to receive Him.  I believe that through the gift of Jesus' dying on the cross, my sins are forgiven when I ask for forgiveness.  I believe in the communion of saints not as gods but as a group of souls working on my behalf.  Another link in the chain to God. 
It has been two months since I have attended mass.  I think about the party the sheperd had when he found the little lot sheep and I wonder if I can have that party as well or does He know that I am just going to wander off again when the weather gets nice, or I want to sleep in or whatever I come up with.  I don't think God stops giving chances.  I think I want to test how many He gives.  It is me being selfish and foolish.  It is me wanting a church experience like I had as a kid.  It is me wanting it my way and being part of the club. 
I did not give anything up for Lent.  In fact, lent has come and will probably go without me ever really acknowledging it.  Easter has a good chance of being looked over as well.  Or is Easter my chance to return.  Is Holy Week a gift to me to find forgiveness and return to the flock.  Some people would look for a sign, but I know that I don't need one, that door is always open, Christ's arms are always open. Its always up to me to make the walk into them.
But that doesn't settle my internal debate.  Am I Catholic?  My mother would be so sad if I left the church.  I would hate to do that to her, but not going is not any better.  I have read some on other religions and have found identifying elements in them all.  I believe in Jesus Christ as my savior so that really strikes being a Jew or Muslim.  I think many of the tenets of Eastern religions are applicable to my daily life and will not hurt my relationship with God and finding peace will only help me.  I am a pretty decent person.  I try to do right, think right and be right.  I try to share my talents and my money.  I try to let go and let God, hear Him and follow Him.  But none of that requires me to be Catholic. 

Remembering John

Today marks the twentieth anniversary of the death of my brother-in-law, John.  I remember the day well, it was warm out, at least warm enough for Sheila and I to take the kids for a stroll around the apartment complex.  Sheila had wanted to give his siblings some time with him alone.   I remember John's family finding us and taking Sheila back home so that she was with him when he died.  I remember Sheila's grace and strength.  I remember explaining to Ashlyn that her beloved Uncle John was gone. 
We hardly had the opportunity to know John.  The girls and I had moved back to Cedar Rapids in April of the previous year.  Sheila and John were still living in Knoxville.  They would move to Cedar Rapids later that year.  Hayley and Isaac were just a month apart so it was great to have them so close.  I don't remember the timeline of John's sickness other than it was quick from diagnosis to death.  I learned a lot from Sheila in that time, lessons I would use later on.  I also learned a lot from Ashlyn about being thoughtful and kind.  Knowing Ashlyn at that time, she was not one to be overly concerned with being thoughtful or kind, but she was great with her Uncle John.  She sang many songs to him and they were buddies.  I was awfully proud of her in those weeks. 
John had cancer.  It took him quickly and without any regard to the life that John had built with Sheila.  Isaac was just a year old when John died.  He would have no memories of him.  I have to believe though, that John has made himself known to him over and over again through the years.  I cannot imagine how proud John must be of the man that is now his son.  And to Isaac's credit, he never used his father's death as a crutch. 
I remember having the conversation once with Sheila about how can she let people know that Isaac's dad had died without it seeming like she was trying to get sympathy.  It was important to her that people understood that Isaac was represented on the soccer field sidelines by those who could be there and that his dad was truly there in spirit.  That conversation has always stayed with me and I hope has kept me from judging the nontraditional family. 
Sheila raised Isaac well.  He is an incredible young man and makes us all very proud.  Sheila was blessed with having Crissy and Dad always present in Isaac's life as well.  Ten years ago, Sheila married Rick and he shares his pride in Isaac as well.
 John was pretty taken with Ashlyn.  They hung out a lot. After Danny had gone to Okinawa, John was a nice distraction for Ashlyn and he was great about taking her on when she needed it!  John was so easy going about being pooped on by Hayley at Dick and Cathy's wedding.  He just took it in stride.   John was a skilled father, able to feed his own son and two begging nieces all at the same time.  That may be my most favorite memory of John.   John was a marine, having served in Vietnam.  I have always been one to believe that those in heaven watch over us and when Danny was in Iraq, I counted on John to keep an eye on him.  John made Sheila very happy. He gave us Isaac. He loved us. We all loved him.

The Final Question

Do I believe I can create the life I want?
Well, I believe I have created the life I want for the most part.  I am happy.  I am content.  I am blessed.  What else is there? 
Oh I think I have come to the conclusion that the job I am at now is not floating my boat, but I am alright with that for the moment.  If I don't find a joy outside of work that is just for me, than I am an idiot and I deserve the misery I have allowed for myself.  But finding a joy is my trade off.  I understand the advantages to staying where I am and that is my head speaking.  There is time and paid leave, a decent salary and a short commute.  So I look at it as a way to fuel my new joy what ever that may be.  I am going to start with gardening and let it go from there.  That is my heart speaking. 
I know that there may be a leap of employment faith in my future.  If it is meant to be it will be.  But until then, there is a new employee that I can mentor and I can continue to be a positive person in the store. 
I know that there will be days when I will wish for my children to live next door, or at least down the street.  I know that the missing them will overwhelm me at times.  I know that it is my own fault (and Danny's as well) that they have the self reliance and moxie to go.  And I believe that they will go and be great and wonderful people.  And I will visit! 
Like most, I have suffered from the doubts that others have put on me and the doubts that I put on myself.  There was a time when I could only identify myself as White's wife or Ashlyn, Hayley and Jacob's mom.  Those are pretty great names, and so is the cake lady, or the nice lady in cosmetics or Anne.  I am moving forward listening with my heart, hearing the positive and being open to it all. 
When I look in the mirror, or even deeper, when I look in my heart of hearts, I am happy.  Between the good Lord and the man I married, I have got it all. 
This article that has been the springboard from which the last ten blogs has sprung from has made me think and search and be very honest.  I have confronted some touchy issues in my heart but couldn't share in the blogs.  I have healed some wounds and let go of a lot of wasted emotions.  I am not instantly changed, but I am not the same.  I will keep moving forward and being the person I am intended to be.  All is possible.

Number Nine

There was a time not so terribly long ago that I would have answered number nine differently.  But life experience and maturity have changed my answer for the better.  I do view my life as abundant.  I am no longer jealous or envious of the greener grass.  I have learned that sometimes it takes a lot of shit to have that green of grass and I am perfectly happy with my lawn and life.
Years ago a friend of ours was building a home and every time we visited, I would leave there with a green streak running through my soul.  I was jealous of the money they had, the nice things they had, the way their life seemed to go together.  This jealousy invaded our friendship and made me such an ugly friend.
I think my jealous tendencies ended when Ashlyn was sick.  I learned more lessons in the nine month period than all of the previous months of my life.  Prior to that, I would be jealous of other's things, opportunities and good fortune.  I knew that I had a pretty nice life, but I could easily drool over the clothes, TV's and cars of others.  And it is embarrassing that it took a life or death situation to make me come to terms with my own haves and have nots. 
I have frequently talked about the moment that I gave Ashlyn's battle to the Lord.  In that moment so many feelings washed over me.  I let go and let God and in that, I let go of more than I realized.  My eyes saw my blessings, not my wants.  I continue to feel blessed that I have been able to continue seeing with grateful eyes. 
That is not to say that  I still don't want for things, but it is without jealousy.  I find the joy in someone else's vacation plans when there was a time I would have made a snide remark.  I am happy for the new car or home purchase of anyone because I know how joyous I felt when I achieved those milestones.  And I know that not everything is at it seems.  Our incredible trip to Australia was because of the overwhelming kindness of strangers.  I celebrate someones adventure because I don't know what brought them to that point.  Our trip was a Make A Wish trip.
I have a roof over my head.  That roof needs to be replaced, which is not a fun way to spend money, but I have the money to do it.  I have car insurance due at the end of the month and am fortunate to have two cars to insure.   I have had to increase Harlow's medicine.  She will take three pills a week instead of two.  I don't have to make the decision if it is her pills or my own that I buy, I can afford both.
All that I have talked about has been things.  My life is abundant with things.  I am able to have many nice things.  I know that the things I have are just things.
There is not enough space on this hard drive for me to adequately describe how abundant my life is.  I cannot find the words that describe how I feel when I see my children, everyday.  I am the recipient of Danny's love and friendship always.  There has been a parade of animals that chose not to run from this home, but to stay and guard me and protect me.  I, at a moment's notice, have an unending list of people that I can call on for whatever I need.  I know this because I have seen this unending list in action.  This abundance was shown to me when Danny was deployed ten years ago, but my eyes were clouded and I couldn't see clearly.   One would never think to describe a child's illness in a positive way, but it was because of Ashlyn's illness that I was able to see all the good in my life. 
Everyday what I need is readily there.  Everyday what I want is readily there.  Call it what you like, favors, blessings, abundant gifts, I got em.  Amen. 

Head or Heart?

When I told Ashlyn today's question, she immediately answered with heart.  I follow my heart instead of listening to my head.  I would agree.
It is funny to think of how different my life would be if I had listened to my head back in 1989.  Crazy to think there was much good to come out of the marriage of an eighteen year old and a twenty year old.  There wasn't a statistic to support it.  Add a baby the following year, another two years later and a third two years after that.  Stupidity at its finest if you asked most logical people.  But lucky for us, we weren't particularly logical people. 
My heart said yes.  I would stop to think about what I was doing every once in a while and when I did, I realized that I didn't know what I was doing.  I had no idea what was coming my way but I knew that I loved him.  Eight months after I married the guy, I knew that I loved the baby I was carrying.  But I still didn't know how it was all going to work.  I didn't know but I had the belief, the faith in us.  Danny had even more faith as I was sure we would break this baby that was coming, he knew we would do just fine.
Maybe it was because we lived in an unpredictable culture that it made it easier to listen to our hearts over our heads.  Maybe we just weren't mature enough to think things through.  I don't know if it matters to me because we worked. 
The article that I am getting my questions from says that the brain can lie, the heart can't.  The mind likes a process and the heart just is.  The brain weighs the pros and cons, which is not a bad thing, but it can stop us from taking risks.  The heart knows the way to happiness. 
When I was in seventh or eighth grade, Sister Irene would always advise us to go with our first answer.  That piece of advice has stayed with me for thirty years and I return to that gem all the time.  I think my first answer springs from my heart, or my gut, more often than not.  The longer I have to mull something over, the more likely I am to doubt myself.  And I think we have all come to realize that I have my shit together so the doubting part isn't really helpful. 
Any earlier question talked about being open and I think this includes being open to what my heart has to say.  My brain is busy storing the years of advice, comments and criticisms of the world.  It is eager to throw bits and pieces out at me when my heart is gently tugging at me, wanting to express how I really feel. 
And the funny thing is, my heart tells me that I don't love my job, that I am not happy there and my brain reminds me that I am 44, that my pay is good, that I have money in stocks and a 401K.  And I ignore my heart because my brain has me shaking in my good for my feet sneakers.  Sister Irene admonishes me for not going with my first answer.  But I am not a thrill seeker, I don't bungee jump off bridges, I certainly don't walk away from a job.  My brain says.  My heart sniffles a little at the sadness of it all. 


Maybe I am getting somewhere with these 10 questions. 

Refer to an earlier blog

What are the greatest wounds that I've healed? 
Literally?  The cuts on my arms.  Medically speaking, they were not deep wounds.  I suppose one or two could have done with a butterfly stitch.  If I would have used polysporin regularly, some would have never scarred.  And now, thirty one years after the first scars were created, I cannot even identify which ones those are.  The more recent are still clear to me, my right arm used to be seven slashes, but have faded to six. 
I have scar cream that I put on many of the other scars I have.  The accidental scars.  Hot pans and sharp rocks.  But the self inflicted, those scars have to stay, I have to always know where I have been, not that I will ever return.  I like the reminder though, that I once was weak and hated and now I am strong and loved.
I don't know that I can clearly articulate what the emotional wounds were that led to the physical ones.  I suppose forty five minutes on a doctor's couch could give me some sort of diagnosis, but that is not important to me.  I know enough.  I know that between the ages of thirteen and thirty five, I would have raging moments of self doubt and hate.  I know that when the feelings were more than I could handle, I physically released my pain.  I know that sometimes it was for attention but I don't recall my parents ever knowing that I cut. 
I will never go down that road again.  I walked away from hating myself all on my own.  I remember one time that a psychiatrist wanted to prescribe drugs and I knew that was not the answer.  I felt that drugs would mask what  was really feeling and living behind a mask would have been far worse than living with the pain. 
The first sentence following question #7 is  'Think of the moments in life when you've been the most tested.'  I would not say that when I was cutting, I was being tested.  I was tested when Danny deployed, when Ashlyn was sick and a few other times.  Granted, I was cutting when Danny was in Iraq, but I think we all know that I was one giant nutball during that deployment.  I was lashing out at life in general and God and Danny is specific. 
I know what has tested me and I know what I have learned.  I have learned that it takes a community.  Thank you Paul Simon, but I am not a rock, I am not an island.   I learned that there is no shame in receiving help.  I learned that we are all in this together.  I don't do a very good job of living those life lessons but at least I have learned them.  In the same way that I have learned algebra and spelling, I suppose. 
On the flip side though, I have also learned that there are a lot of people out there that have no desire to heal from their wounds.  They would rather sit there and pick at he scab then to cover it with a soothing salve and get on with living.  I don't have the patience for scab pickers.  I oddly didn't learn compassion.

No Expectations

Do I always expect a certain outcome?  Question #6 is making me think.  
According to the article, going into situations with an expectation can keep one from being open to what may be.  I understand that idea, but I also think it is important to go into situtations with a postive attitude.  As for me, that has not always been the case.
I had a talent for getting myself so worked up by what could happen, what could go wrong, that I could not be open to enjoy the moment.  I would start playing senerios in my mind a few days before the event.  I would work myself into a bit of a frenzy and by the time the moment arrived, I would be sick with what ifs.  My guard would be up.  The moment was no longer enjoyable.  It sucked.
Time and more time has helped me get to the point where I let the situation surprise me.  Sure, sometimes people still suck and sometimes I still spend the evening telling myself "I told you so".  But more often than not, a good time is had by all. 
Distance from bad situations has let me see that most of life's situations have been grand.  I can count on one hand (twice) the moments that really, really sucked.  In some of those situations, my attitude was part of the problem. 
Today, I am much better about going with the flow.  I have learned to ignore a lot of the crap that ruins a day.  Sure, idiots and mean people still get me down, but I bounce back up a lot quicker. 
The article suggested that going into a situation without expectation leaves one open to all the possiblities.  I am open to that.  Had I kept my old habit of knowing the outcome before I even started, I would have missed out on riding a surfboard in the warm pacific.  I would not have stepped into a harness and allowed myself to be clipped to a cable that extended across the expanse of a New Zealand forest.  But thankfully a few old habits never die and I did not step into the second harness, the one that lifted Danny up 148 feet above a perfectly good ground.  I couldn't help but think that bungee jumping would not be fun and I kept that expectation. 
Maybe, just maybe I should change the title to Great Expectations and be open to that.

Let It Go Let It Go

If you know me well then you will not be surprised by my answer to question number five.
Can I let the past go?  HELL NO!  I carry the past around in a multi directional wheeled suitcase.  Sometimes I think I have no room for future plans because I am so full of past regrets.  Ok, that was a little dramatic but I thought it read well.  Anyway, I have a hard time letting go.  I'm like Elsa in the first part of Frozen. 
When I think about negative experiences that I am trying to avoid in the future, the only one that comes to mind is when my dog bit a child in my care.  From that, I became uber vigilant about kids around my dogs.  I was always nervous when children came to our house even after we had adopted new dogs.  That fear and shame lingered.  It still does.
Letting go of past hurts and embarrassments are hard.  The hurts tend to harden our hearts and create a kind of protective shield.  The embarrassments serve as reminders to keep our heads out of our asses.  I think it is important to keep a little of the hurt or embarrassment around to keep me safe.  But it also so important to let go of the hurt caused by others if the hurt keeps hurting me.  I had once kept a hurt with the intention that I would let it go when I was apologized to.  I hadn't considered that the apology would never come.  So the original hurt became not a shield, but a burden.  I had to let it go.  I had to forgive.  I didn't forget though and I learned the warning signs so I would avoid that hurt again.  Forgiving, in that instance, was more about me than the other person.
I have discovered that getting rid of the past has also meant getting rid of some of the people that the past is attached to.  I have learned if I take a lot of that crap out of my suitcase, I have more room for souvenirs.  I can make it to the next adventure without being weighed down.  I laugh more, I live better.
If I am being really honest here, and I am.  I think I hold on to the past as a crutch.  If I fail then I can say to myself that they said I would fail.  But I don't think I will fail so why I bother remembering that they think I would fail is beyond me.  I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I got my shit going on.  Right?
I don't think there is anything in my past that is stopping me from moving forward.  Just like everyone, I have had my feelings hurt.  I have had my heart broken.  I have had disappointment.  I have been made the fool.  There gets to the point when one has to get over it and I think I am there, have been there for a while.
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold sucks (I adlibbed that part).

I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I got my shit going on

Do I trust my own inner guidance? 
Well, after reading the paragraph that followed the question, I would say no.  I am constantly second guessing my thoughts and decisions.  Danny is on repeat with reassuring answers.  At 44, I should be able to listen to myself and know what the correct answer is for me.
At 44 it is silly that I give much of a damn about what people think of me, but it obvious that I still do want approval.  I write this blog, don't I?  If I really want to get down to it, I do question myself and my abilities quite frequently because there is, tucked way back in the back of my mind, that voice.
Do you know the voice?  It is the one that calls me "Annie".  It is the one that is pretty condescending.  It is the voice that makes me feel worthless.  It is the voice I respond to with excuses and lies.  I hate that freakin voice but it has been there so long that I find it hard to kick it to the curb.
That voice is getting in the way of me listening to me.  It is the voice of self doubt.  I don't think I put the voice there.  I think it was put there by people who did not have faith in me or my abilities.  I let the voice stay.  So it's on me now to get rid of it.
So, the paragraph suggests that to tune into my own innate wisdom I must free myself from the filters of fear and doubt and free myself from other people's ideas and expectations (yeah, Annie).  Well, that sounds like fancy talk for "I don't give a rat's ass what you think- I got my shit going on."   So how do I do that?  I think I just say "I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I got my shit going on" frequently.  
Let's look at the facts.  Had I listened to what others were telling me to do, I would not have married Danny, I would not have had two more babies, I would not have had nearly the fun that I have had. 
So, this looks like as good a time as any to give this a try...
I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I GOT my shit going on.  Yeah, that feels about right.

This Question is Kind of a Whammy

When have I felt the most radiant? 
Radiant-  Like when I have I felt the most alive, the most purpose filled, the most loved?  That's some heavy duty thinking for me.
Easily, those moments when I first met Ashlyn, Hayley and Jacob are the moments that I have felt the most powerful and successful.  Bringing a life from point A to point B is pretty powerful and actually getting them there is a huge success.  But I can't go around having babies all the time so though it is the most obvious, it will be shelved for the remainder of this blog.

So the heart of this question is that when I felt most radiant I was probably doing what I was called to do. 
I was happy when Danny and I were night managers at Extreme Body Shaping.  I was really surprised by how much I enjoyed the work I did there.  I think because taking an exercise class was a big step outside my comfort zone.  Being successful at that followed by signing people up for exercise classes made me feel like I was certainly offering something to someone that was worthwhile.  When I started teaching, first bands, and later kickboxing, I felt invincible.  Especially when I knew that people were actually getting a good work out on my watch. 
I have often thought about getting back into that type of activity.  FXB has changed up their formula just enough that it feels like a terribly remodeled home.  By no means do I mean that the program is bad, its just not comfortable to me.  I have gone back a couple of times and, well sometimes one can't go home.
So I have considered the Y or other workout facilities, but have never taken that leap.
I do remember when we lived in SoCal in 1992 and I would do double work outs with Denise Austin and Gilead.  Denise Austin was introduced as a exercise physiologist.  I had no idea what that was, but was curious about it as a career.  And then I got pregnant and I was radiant for a different reason.
But when Danny and I were talking about buying the FXB location, I was not radiant.  I was sick with the idea of taking on that kind of debt and responsibility.  Plus we had new issues to take care of shortly after we decided against the purchase.  But I do regret not keeping exercise in my life in a more prominent way.  Maybe I need to revisit that again, seek out different avenues that are available to me, or maybe I just need to pop in the DVD of my old friend Denise and radiate for free.
I don't think that is where I am supposed to be, exercising with people.  I don't find my heart pulled there.  I cannot articulate how my heart is being pulled. 

Oh, the last time I was radiant was on vacation, but not because I was on vacation but because I was with people I loved.  You will find me that radiant tomorrow night when Ashlyn and I go to the movies.  I will be that radiant this weekend when Hayley comes home for the weekend.  Apparently I light up when Danny stops in at work to take me to lunch.  I practically beam when Jacob pops by to get more hair color, Arizona tea and candy bars.  But that is a different kind of radiant from the fulfilled by my job radiant.  That is the WOW look how blessed I am kind of radiant.  (which is the best kind)

Question #2

After establishing that I am happy.  I have moved on to the second question.  This one was easy to answer as well.  But finding the way to change the answer in my life will be a challenge.
2.  How often do I take time for stillness?
Um, never.  Stillness is weird.  I can almost be physically quiet, but I cannot quiet my brain.  As soon as I get close, I start a to do list or worse, replay an old argument and come up with new and more clever comebacks.  Stillness eludes me. 
I know the importance of being still, of letting my brain relax and my soul rejuvenate.  I know that it does not require a darkened room with incense burning.  I do not have to be in a robe with a Buddha statute in the garden.  I know that the quiet has to come from within.  But there are song lyrics on a loop in my brain and when it gets remotely quiet Abba or Meatloaf or The Proclaimers step in to fill the silence.
I now challenge myself to find the quiet.  That seems counterproductive.  I will probably search my brain for the synonym of challenge that doesn't seem quite so forceful the first time I try to find quiet.  Then I will get pissed that I can't think of a better word to have used and will end up throwing the entire stillness project out the window and will put on headphones and listen to some Billy Joel. 
No, I want to, maybe even need to find that stillness.  Ironically, as with the first question, stillness did come frequently in the hospital room.  In a space such as that, a mind can go anywhere and it was very important to me that I didn't let it go anywhere.  My mind had to stay in the present. 
This is not my first article on stillness.  Some articles have suggested a special place.  So I cleared the extra blankets off my chair in my bedroom so that I could be still there.  It didn't take long before I was found out by the cats and they interrupted my stillness with purrs and kneading.  Other articles have suggested letting the stillness come wherever I am.  That approach generally resulted in a nap.  All articles have suggested that stillness or quiet or mind rest really does make a person healthier and more at ease with the trials of life.  I want that. 
So here I go again. 
I will remove all cats, dogs, husbands, children and cell phones.  I will keep the lights low so my eyes will not wander to unwashed clothes, dusty ceiling fans, or cats, dogs, husbands, children and cell phones.  I will not play hokey massage music because that makes me have to pee.  I will be okay in the silence and find my quiet there. 
Here goes nothing...
Whoa Whoa Whoa My Waterloo...    

Ten Questions

February's Prevention Magazine had an article about living the life of your dreams.  I tore it out and put it on the floor to be reread at a later date.  There are always three or four magazine pages next to my bed.  They may be recipes or products or, in the case of this article, something I may want to pay attention to.  There are ten questions in this article and I am going to attempt to answer them as if they were a homework assignment.  (And I am going to attempt to get an A.)
Question 1.  Am I happy?
Well the short answer is yes.  But if I stop what I am doing and really ask the question, the long answer is yes, I am happy.  I could be happier though.
At the end of the day my heart is light and warm.  The knots I used to keep secure in my stomach have been worked out and have passed through.  My first recollection of feeling an emotion go was shortly after Ashlyn's diagnosis.  The feeling of letting go of the worry was a physical lifting of weight off my body.  Once I felt that, I knew it was a feeling I didn't want to lose.  I have continued to be conscious of that and when I feel the weight return, I seek out its cause and let it go.  My happiness, even in the midst of sadness or concern, is still important for me to maintain.  And by happiness, I don't mean jocularity all the time, but I mean a wellness in my soul.
I have a follow up question for myself though.  How may I be happier?  I don't think I am reaching my full potential in my days and that may be were the happiness wanes.  My job is not particularly fulfilling and as I read more and more about more natural ways of caring for ones body, skin and hair, I wonder if I would be more fulfilled in a place like Whole Foods.  It is not an easy thought.  I don't know that retail in general will be fulfilling for me and that is why I have been thinking of supplementing my job with a calling.
In the fall I am going to actively seek out a place to volunteer.  My first step is to contact a school counselor friend of mine and listen to her.  I have Monday mornings wide open and being in a school setting might be a good place for me to be.  If that isn't right, I will move on to other ideas.  And if you ask why I am waiting until fall, well, I am going to have a big go of it in the backyard.  This month's Better Homes and Gardens had a few great garden layouts that just might be perfect for that weird spot in the back corner where the grass doesn't really grow and it's awkward to mow.  I have been wanting to reduce the grass footprint in the yard for several years and this just may be the summer for it. 
I am happy, not just because I am married to a great guy, have three healthy and well adjusted children, an adorable dog and two feisty cats.  I am happy because after years of not being so, I figured out how to let go and let God take the heavy stuff.  I am happy because I know that it isn't about what I have, but what I am.  I am happy because I learned that Stuart Smalley  was saying was true.  I am good enough.
The recent trip to a warmer climate taught me some important lessons.  I always thought that I had that winter blues syndrome and figured that one of the reasons I was so happy in the New Zealand sun was the sun.  But it was more than that.  I actively chose to be happy, to laugh, to shrug off the bullshit.  I learned that happy is a choice.  It is my choice.  I deserve an A for effort!  Yea! 

Blogging, Blogging , Blogging. All my thoughts I'm logging...online.

Blogging, such a dumb term.  Why couldn't it have stayed weblog or internet diary or online thoughts?  Those are terms I like just a little better.  But I am late to the blogging party so I must cave to the peer pressure and BLOG.
It seems as though everyone blogs and most seem to have a theme to their blog.  People blog about raising children that are special needs or gifted or in pageants or are home schooled.  People blog about their disease, treating their disease with experimental therapy, conventional therapy, holistic therapy, dog therapy.  Or they blog about how they changed their way of life through Christ or trees or all chocolate diets.  Some blog about finding fashion for less or make up for more.  Others blog about how to turn old coffee cans into reading lamps.  There are even those that have turned their blog into guest spots on TV programs or have authored books or created a column for a magazine.
And then there's me and my blog.  Kindoflikewriting is not viral nor do I expect it to ever be.  You shall not see me in the Best Blog of the Week section of Better Homes and Gardens.  I am not going to lead anyone to a better, more fulfilled, Jesus coated life full of vegan recipes and garage sale finds.  Nope, you won't find any of that here.  What you will find is the openly expressed thoughts of a middle aged woman that is looking at three grown children, an aged puppy and a best friend of nearly 26 years.
Let me break it down for you.  Middle aged- I am forty four.  I am assuming that I will live to be eighty eight.  So this is a realistic middle age, not those fifty seven year old women that are trying to disguise their age.  Who are they kidding, not too many live to 114 so if you are actually middle age, thumbs up to you!
Three grown children- that may be the hardest part.  I know that my job as a parent is not over even though they are all eighteen.  I know that they will be back for days, weeks, months at a time when life flips them the bird and they just need a safe place to regroup.  I know that as they get older, our relationship will continue to shift into new roles.  But the truth of the matter is that their decisions are their own and I have to abide by them.  I have to watch the boxes get packed, the hearts get broken, the dreams get squashed just a little and can only offer a warm hug, a sounding board, another hug. 
An aged puppy-Harlow is eight and a half now.  Her muzzle is grey.  She struggles to get up and struggles to get down.  Her eyesight may be failing.  She is beyond middle age.  She is golden now and I have pledged to her days filled with dignity. 
A best friend of nearly 26 years-ah, Danny.  He's much to write home about!  I think there will be a lot of weblogs about my fella and me.  I may start to document our grand Wednesday night movies or our golf outings.  I may even share our tips for a happy life. 
So here it is.  My well thought out plan for this blog that I have been tinkering with for a couple of years.  Will you read it?  I hope so.  I hope that I generate a thought or two in some one's head.  I hope that someone thinks nice things about me and my silly little life.  But you know what I really hope, deep down?  I hope my grandbabies read this internet diary and they learn through my words about the lives that came before them. 
Blogging Blogging Blogging.
 man my fingers are dogging
got to keep a logging
Online!
Great, now the Rawhide song is stuck in my head...