Am I Catholic?

I have been doing a lot of soul searching, answering ten questions, finding some of my truths.  I know that I don't love my job, but I think I can find my way back to it.  There are always changes and I am not ready to jump ship in murky waters so I will let that be.  I don't love the direction my health is taking and I have already taken steps to improve my lot.  I have no idea where my soul is and that makes me terribly sad.
I last went to mass in New Zealand.  It was a fantastic experience and I am grateful that I went.  I don't understand why that gratitude does not carry over to mass here.  I don't feel pulled to go.  I don't feel pulled to celebrate with others.  I don't feel pulled.  And I am scared.  I have never been a good catholic.  I was not the prized pupil of most of my catholic school teachers.  I know that a lot of my struggles have come from what I see others do and say.  I also know hat is a bullshit excuse.  How I practice and celebrate my faith is between me and the Lord.   If others in my pew are judgemental or whatever, that is not for me to judge or me to use as an excuse as to why I don't go to church.  I know all this.  I also know that the church is run by men and women who have their own opinions and those opinions have worked their way into the laws and practices of the church.  Catholics have been around a long time, there are repeated instances of not so Godly acts performed by those that represent.  I cannot use greedy popes from centuries ago as a reason not to give money.  I cannot use the unspeakable acts of some priests to shield away from finding comfort and advice from my own parish priests.  I cannot take the church's view of marriage as the only view there is. 
But there's the thing.  I don't buy all that the church is selling.  I am pro choice.  I am pro marriage for everyone.  I am pro don't convert people.  Those are all pretty big anti catholic ideas. 
I believe in the Holy Eucharist.  I believe that Christ is present on the altar and I am worthy to receive Him.  I believe that through the gift of Jesus' dying on the cross, my sins are forgiven when I ask for forgiveness.  I believe in the communion of saints not as gods but as a group of souls working on my behalf.  Another link in the chain to God. 
It has been two months since I have attended mass.  I think about the party the sheperd had when he found the little lot sheep and I wonder if I can have that party as well or does He know that I am just going to wander off again when the weather gets nice, or I want to sleep in or whatever I come up with.  I don't think God stops giving chances.  I think I want to test how many He gives.  It is me being selfish and foolish.  It is me wanting a church experience like I had as a kid.  It is me wanting it my way and being part of the club. 
I did not give anything up for Lent.  In fact, lent has come and will probably go without me ever really acknowledging it.  Easter has a good chance of being looked over as well.  Or is Easter my chance to return.  Is Holy Week a gift to me to find forgiveness and return to the flock.  Some people would look for a sign, but I know that I don't need one, that door is always open, Christ's arms are always open. Its always up to me to make the walk into them.
But that doesn't settle my internal debate.  Am I Catholic?  My mother would be so sad if I left the church.  I would hate to do that to her, but not going is not any better.  I have read some on other religions and have found identifying elements in them all.  I believe in Jesus Christ as my savior so that really strikes being a Jew or Muslim.  I think many of the tenets of Eastern religions are applicable to my daily life and will not hurt my relationship with God and finding peace will only help me.  I am a pretty decent person.  I try to do right, think right and be right.  I try to share my talents and my money.  I try to let go and let God, hear Him and follow Him.  But none of that requires me to be Catholic.