Ten Questions

February's Prevention Magazine had an article about living the life of your dreams.  I tore it out and put it on the floor to be reread at a later date.  There are always three or four magazine pages next to my bed.  They may be recipes or products or, in the case of this article, something I may want to pay attention to.  There are ten questions in this article and I am going to attempt to answer them as if they were a homework assignment.  (And I am going to attempt to get an A.)
Question 1.  Am I happy?
Well the short answer is yes.  But if I stop what I am doing and really ask the question, the long answer is yes, I am happy.  I could be happier though.
At the end of the day my heart is light and warm.  The knots I used to keep secure in my stomach have been worked out and have passed through.  My first recollection of feeling an emotion go was shortly after Ashlyn's diagnosis.  The feeling of letting go of the worry was a physical lifting of weight off my body.  Once I felt that, I knew it was a feeling I didn't want to lose.  I have continued to be conscious of that and when I feel the weight return, I seek out its cause and let it go.  My happiness, even in the midst of sadness or concern, is still important for me to maintain.  And by happiness, I don't mean jocularity all the time, but I mean a wellness in my soul.
I have a follow up question for myself though.  How may I be happier?  I don't think I am reaching my full potential in my days and that may be were the happiness wanes.  My job is not particularly fulfilling and as I read more and more about more natural ways of caring for ones body, skin and hair, I wonder if I would be more fulfilled in a place like Whole Foods.  It is not an easy thought.  I don't know that retail in general will be fulfilling for me and that is why I have been thinking of supplementing my job with a calling.
In the fall I am going to actively seek out a place to volunteer.  My first step is to contact a school counselor friend of mine and listen to her.  I have Monday mornings wide open and being in a school setting might be a good place for me to be.  If that isn't right, I will move on to other ideas.  And if you ask why I am waiting until fall, well, I am going to have a big go of it in the backyard.  This month's Better Homes and Gardens had a few great garden layouts that just might be perfect for that weird spot in the back corner where the grass doesn't really grow and it's awkward to mow.  I have been wanting to reduce the grass footprint in the yard for several years and this just may be the summer for it. 
I am happy, not just because I am married to a great guy, have three healthy and well adjusted children, an adorable dog and two feisty cats.  I am happy because after years of not being so, I figured out how to let go and let God take the heavy stuff.  I am happy because I know that it isn't about what I have, but what I am.  I am happy because I learned that Stuart Smalley  was saying was true.  I am good enough.
The recent trip to a warmer climate taught me some important lessons.  I always thought that I had that winter blues syndrome and figured that one of the reasons I was so happy in the New Zealand sun was the sun.  But it was more than that.  I actively chose to be happy, to laugh, to shrug off the bullshit.  I learned that happy is a choice.  It is my choice.  I deserve an A for effort!  Yea!