I am still mulling this over. I understand that I am not required to have a religion to be a good person. I am not required to have a god or a belief system to be a good person. I don't have to be able to quote scripture to be holy. I don't have to know what Jesus would do to do the right thing. I get all that. But what happens to me when I die if I don't have a religion? Where is my funeral? But then again, if I don't practice my religion now, what is the point of having it practiced about my corpse?
One friend recommended that I take a bible study. She gave me the name of a nondenominational that she really enjoyed. I started a bible study once and it was a disaster. My foundation was rocked in a way that was completely unexpected. It was The Bible Timeline presented by Jeff Cavins. My first mistake was taking this class and not an academic class. I want to understand the history of the story. The who, whats, and whys. I quickly became disenchanted with the stars of the Old Testament. It was a huge struggle for me and I had to stop taking the class before I left God all together. I think what was most difficult is that I was constantly told that I had to look at the context of which something was wrote. For example, Abram's wife invites her maid to sleep with her husband so that he may have a child. The maid does and Ishmael is the result. Fast forward to a couple hiring a surrogate to have their child and that is frowned upon in some religious circles. How does one make sense of it? Here is a couple that cannot have a child of their own through traditional lay with thy wife methods. So in comes science and there is a way, a pretty clinical way, for this couple to have a child and the couple has to make that choice between having a child or following the canon law. But it is perfectly ok for Abram (later Abraham) to bed his wife's maid? I don't get it. And please don't say that they could adopt, because Abram could have adopted too.
I had blogged about a group I had joined, Christ Renews His Parish, a couple of years ago. This group went to a retreat and later put on a retreat. During the retreat, I presented part of my history and in this history, used quotes from the bible. I found fantastic quotes that went so well with the bits of my story. Later, I went back to the bible and read more than just the quoted area and (my own fault for not doing so to begin with) felt cheated. How often had someone quoted the bible, but just used the part that applied, as I did? It's like a parent telling their child "no more cookies" and the child just quoting the "more cookies" part. So I used some pretty crappy bible quotes once I knew the whole story. I felt like a sham and felt shammed.
So I sit here in my zimmer trying to come to terms with my religion, my faith and my friend, Jesus. I am frustrated and honestly, a lot scared. This is God I am monkeying around with and I know that He is full of wrath (according to the OT, and why is that? Why is He wrath and damnation in book one and according to His Son, full of love and forgiveness in book two.) and mercy.
And I did pay attention in religion class. I knew all my prayers. I asked a lot of these same questions in high school and just had to have talking to by one of the priests. I have let the Mormons in and I have chatted with the Jehovah's. I read about other religions and have read about those that have no religion or faith at all. I have tried to have an open mind. I even buy into the Book of Enoch and Aliens theory (a little, Blue Blazer guy makes valid points (there I said it Danny White)). This is my call for help. Lord, please answer it.
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